Friday, May 15th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 15th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, "We didn't torture," then it became, "OK, we tortured, but it worked," now it's "Nancy Pelosi said we could."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Newt Gingrich yesterday was all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a frivolous politician. Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Sarah Palin said the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks against Miss California is despicable. And then she said, “I feel like you are my own daughter.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop having the same discussion every year about whether the comedian at the Correspondents' Dinner went "too far." This week, conservatives were outraged that the president laughed - out loud - at a black, lesbian woman. You think you're pissed now? Wait'll he appoints her to the Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9% of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining .1%? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Just because something isn't endangered anymore doesn't mean we have to go back to killing it. There are still only 6000 gray wolves. They're not a threat unless Pakistan sells them nukes. You want to hunt a species that's breeding out of control? How about that "Jon & Kate Plus 8."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Richard Brookhiser, Amy Holmes, Dan Savage, David Simon and Elizabeth Warren.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Americans, please wash hands before criticizing Obama
Friday, May 8th 2009
New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.
It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?
You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President.
So please, Mr. President, tell us to turn the lights off when we leave the room. Tell us not to buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring Dings and Cheese Nips, and think twice before dating a stranger we meet on craigslist. For God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Not just to save the newspaper industry - though Lord knows I'd miss my Daily Jumble - but because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a President who knows nothing.
There's a name for people who do the right thing for their country, even if it involves sacrifice. And no, it's not "socialists." It's "patriots." We all know the modern definition of a patriot: It's the person who pays the least taxes and listens to the most A.M. radio. But that wasn't what it always meant.
Patriots want their fellow citizens to be able to go to the hospital. They want to make sure no one sells them bread made out of Chinese skulls. They want a country where the deer and the antelope can still play - and not just so Sarah Palin can shoot them from a helicopter. Patriots want to burn less coal and buy less oil. Jimmy Carter put solar panels on the White House roof and Ronald Reagan had them removed. You've heard of "opposite marriage"? This is "opposite patriotism."
Rush Limbaugh celebrated this Earth Day by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees.
During the campaign, Obama suggested that one simple thing Americans could do to help with fuel-efficiency was check their car's tire pressure. And Republicans freaked, because to them, every suggestion for the common good is a direct attack on their personal liberty, and it's unpatriotic to interfere with anyone's God-given right to be big, dumb and selfish.
When the President suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, you're a rugged individualist. But you're not - you're just a schmuck.
Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have predictably and reliably told us that government is always the problem, never you my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious little snowflake. A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.
-Bill Maher
New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.
It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?
You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President.
So please, Mr. President, tell us to turn the lights off when we leave the room. Tell us not to buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring Dings and Cheese Nips, and think twice before dating a stranger we meet on craigslist. For God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Not just to save the newspaper industry - though Lord knows I'd miss my Daily Jumble - but because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a President who knows nothing.
There's a name for people who do the right thing for their country, even if it involves sacrifice. And no, it's not "socialists." It's "patriots." We all know the modern definition of a patriot: It's the person who pays the least taxes and listens to the most A.M. radio. But that wasn't what it always meant.
Patriots want their fellow citizens to be able to go to the hospital. They want to make sure no one sells them bread made out of Chinese skulls. They want a country where the deer and the antelope can still play - and not just so Sarah Palin can shoot them from a helicopter. Patriots want to burn less coal and buy less oil. Jimmy Carter put solar panels on the White House roof and Ronald Reagan had them removed. You've heard of "opposite marriage"? This is "opposite patriotism."
Rush Limbaugh celebrated this Earth Day by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees.
During the campaign, Obama suggested that one simple thing Americans could do to help with fuel-efficiency was check their car's tire pressure. And Republicans freaked, because to them, every suggestion for the common good is a direct attack on their personal liberty, and it's unpatriotic to interfere with anyone's God-given right to be big, dumb and selfish.
When the President suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, you're a rugged individualist. But you're not - you're just a schmuck.
Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have predictably and reliably told us that government is always the problem, never you my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious little snowflake. A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.
-Bill Maher
Saturday, May 2, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 1 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 1st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy tonight. Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at The Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Supreme Court appointment
New Rule: The Obama administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee there's a couch.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2000-year old Jew. Where else would he live? But would it kill you to show him with a little tan? Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Barney Frank, Fareed Zakaria, Richard Engel and Dr. David Kessler.
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 1st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy tonight. Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at The Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Supreme Court appointment
New Rule: The Obama administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee there's a couch.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2000-year old Jew. Where else would he live? But would it kill you to show him with a little tan? Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Barney Frank, Fareed Zakaria, Richard Engel and Dr. David Kessler.
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