New Rule: You can't use the statement "there will be no cooperation for the rest of the year" as a threat if there was no cooperation in the first half of the year. Here's a word the president should take out of his teleprompter: bipartisanship. People only care about that in theory, not in practice. The best thing that's happened this year is when President Obama finally realized this and said, "Kiss my black ass, we're going it alone, George W. Bush style."
Two months ago, conservative Fred Barnes wrote, "The health care bill is dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection." Well, if it's dead, you just got your ass kicked by a zombie named Nancy Pelosi. Seriously, the last time a Democrat showed balls like that John Edwards' girlfriend was filming it. Make all the botox jokes and she-shops-too-much jokes you want, but this is the biggest political victory a woman has ever achieved in America. Yes, Nancy Pelosi likes nice clothes. So does Sarah Palin. The difference is Nancy Pelosi pays for hers.
But even before the Democrats got to take a single victory lap they were already being warned not to get used to the feeling, and not to get drunk with power. I disagree. All you Democrats: do a shot, and then do another. Get drunk on this feeling of not backing down and doing what you came to Washington to do.
Democrats should not listen to the people who are now saying they shouldn't attempt anything else big for a while because health care was such a bruising battle. Wrong -- because I learned something watching the lying bullies of the Right lose this one: when they're losing, they squeal like a pig. They kept saying things like, the bill was being "shoved down our throats" or the Democrats were "ramming it through." The bill was so big they couldn't take it all at once!
And I realized listening to this rhetoric that it reminded me of something: Tiger Woods' text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said, and I quote, "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I fuck that ass that I own. Then I'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise." Unquote.
And this, I believe, perfectly represents the attitude Democrats should now have in their dealings with the Republican Party: "Shut the fuck up while I slap your face for making noise -- now pass a cap-and-trade law, you stupid bitch, and repeat after me: 'global warming is real!'"
The Democrats need to push the rest of their agenda while their boot is on the neck of the greedy, poisonous old reptile. Who cares if a cap-and-trade bill isn't popular, neither was health care. Your poll numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles.
So don't stop: we need to regulate the banks, we need to overhaul immigration, we need to end corporate welfare including at the Pentagon, we need to bring troops home from... everywhere, we need to end the drug war, and we need to put terrorists and other human rights violators on trial in civilian courts, starting with Dick Cheney.
Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th -- and by passing health care, the Democrats saved their brand. A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them, "How's that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?" Great, actually. Thanks for asking. And how's that whole Hooked on Phonics thing working out for you?
Friday, March 26, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 26, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I feel like I’m watching a John Hughes movie where the nerdy kids miraculously defeat the rich a**holes in the Izod shirts, starring Ally Sheedy as Nancy Pelosi and James Spader as Glenn Beck.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
This week was one “Giant kid screaming in the cereal aisle” tantrum. From the Right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
There’s a Democratic Congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that’s creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the Democrats—I’m sure you heard about this—they put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The Pope heard this, he said, “You can convict a sex offender?”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
A Vatican official was asked that this week if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, “That’s ridiculous, you can’t marry an eight-year-old.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
And finally, I love this: People will know this here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection, it will actually be on the ballot we will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes we will be allowed to grow—listen to this—you can grow marijuana in the backyard of your house. Not a lot, just enough to stave off foreclosure.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher referring to John McCain
What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic. This was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean the insults, the threats, the Armageddon. What’s Armageddon about giving 32 million people healthcare?
- Randi Weingarten
It used to be the Big Business Party. That’s a Republican. Then it got taken over by Jesus. And now they just seem like The Angry White People Party.
- Bill Maher
Removing Thomas Jefferson is like writing Moses out of the Bible.
- Randi Weingarten, referring to Texas changing school books
New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesn’t make you a bad guy. It makes you a great friend. Cardinal Ratzinger “lost the paperwork” on a guy who raped 200 deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move. But let’s put Popes in perspective—John the Seventh drank toasts to Satan. Paul the Fifth condemned Galileo. Alexander the Sixth had a son with his daughter. All the current Pope does is not see anything. He’s not the anti-Christ, he’s just Sergeant Schultz.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed health care reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed health care reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, he’d just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Rob Thomas, Randi Weingarten, Jonathan Capehart, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Hitchens
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I feel like I’m watching a John Hughes movie where the nerdy kids miraculously defeat the rich a**holes in the Izod shirts, starring Ally Sheedy as Nancy Pelosi and James Spader as Glenn Beck.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
This week was one “Giant kid screaming in the cereal aisle” tantrum. From the Right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
There’s a Democratic Congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that’s creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the Democrats—I’m sure you heard about this—they put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The Pope heard this, he said, “You can convict a sex offender?”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
A Vatican official was asked that this week if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, “That’s ridiculous, you can’t marry an eight-year-old.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
And finally, I love this: People will know this here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection, it will actually be on the ballot we will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes we will be allowed to grow—listen to this—you can grow marijuana in the backyard of your house. Not a lot, just enough to stave off foreclosure.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher referring to John McCain
What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic. This was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean the insults, the threats, the Armageddon. What’s Armageddon about giving 32 million people healthcare?
- Randi Weingarten
It used to be the Big Business Party. That’s a Republican. Then it got taken over by Jesus. And now they just seem like The Angry White People Party.
- Bill Maher
Removing Thomas Jefferson is like writing Moses out of the Bible.
- Randi Weingarten, referring to Texas changing school books
New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesn’t make you a bad guy. It makes you a great friend. Cardinal Ratzinger “lost the paperwork” on a guy who raped 200 deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move. But let’s put Popes in perspective—John the Seventh drank toasts to Satan. Paul the Fifth condemned Galileo. Alexander the Sixth had a son with his daughter. All the current Pope does is not see anything. He’s not the anti-Christ, he’s just Sergeant Schultz.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed health care reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed health care reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, he’d just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Rob Thomas, Randi Weingarten, Jonathan Capehart, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Hitchens
Saturday, March 20, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 19, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
The Democrats need 216. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote
People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote
There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
At a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, someone got on the PA system and said, “Attention shoppers: All black people must leave the store.” Now, a Wal-Mart spokesman said this is the fault of an employee who completely misunderstood the term “white sale.” … On the bright side, it did stop Tiger Woods from hitting on the check-out girl.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi’s new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me A) his music is as relevant as ever and B) that baby boomers still haven’t figured out how to steal music off the Internet.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Israel has to stop being mad at Obama because he won’t plan a visit. Hey, we’re your ally, not your grandchildren. Calm down and give it a rest, or you’ll get Biden again.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
True Love is like a salesman at Home Depot. It only comes along once or twice in a lifetime so you’ve gotta grab it.
- Bill Maher
This week's guests were Gavin Newsom, Steve Moore, Melinda Henneberger, Emile Hirsch, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
The Democrats need 216. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote
People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote
There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
At a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, someone got on the PA system and said, “Attention shoppers: All black people must leave the store.” Now, a Wal-Mart spokesman said this is the fault of an employee who completely misunderstood the term “white sale.” … On the bright side, it did stop Tiger Woods from hitting on the check-out girl.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi’s new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me A) his music is as relevant as ever and B) that baby boomers still haven’t figured out how to steal music off the Internet.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Israel has to stop being mad at Obama because he won’t plan a visit. Hey, we’re your ally, not your grandchildren. Calm down and give it a rest, or you’ll get Biden again.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
True Love is like a salesman at Home Depot. It only comes along once or twice in a lifetime so you’ve gotta grab it.
- Bill Maher
This week's guests were Gavin Newsom, Steve Moore, Melinda Henneberger, Emile Hirsch, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich.
Friday, March 12, 2010
New Rule: Let's Not Fire the Teachers When Students Don't Learn -- Let's Fire the Parents
New Rule: Let's not fire the teachers when students don't learn - let's fire the parents. Last week President Obama defended the firing of every single teacher in a struggling high school in a poor Rhode Island neighborhood. And the kids were outraged. They said, "Why blame our teachers?" and "Who's President Obama?" I think it was Whitney Houston who said, "I believe that children are our future - teach them well and let them lead the way." And that's the last sound piece of educational advice this country has gotten - from a crack head in the '80's.
Yes, America has found its new boogeyman to blame for our crumbling educational system. It's just too easy to blame the teachers, what with their cushy teachers' lounges, their fat-cat salaries, and their absolute authority in deciding who gets a hall pass. We all remember high school - canning the entire faculty is a nationwide revenge fantasy. Take that, Mrs. Crabtree! And guess what? We're chewing gum and no, we didn't bring enough for everybody.
But isn't it convenient that once again it turns out that the problem isn't us, and the fix is something that doesn't require us to change our behavior or spend any money. It's so simple: Fire the bad teachers, hire good ones from some undisclosed location, and hey, while we're at it let's cut taxes more. It's the kind of comprehensive educational solution that could only come from a completely ignorant people.
Firing all the teachers may feel good - we're Americans, kicking people when they're down is what we do - but it's not really their fault. Now, undeniably, there are some bad teachers out there. They don't know the material, they don't make things interesting, they have sex with the same kid every day instead of spreading the love around... But every school has crappy teachers. Yale has crappy teachers - they must, they gave us George Bush.
According to all the studies, it doesn't matter what teachers do. Although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents do. The number one predictor of a child's academic success is parental involvement. It doesn't even matter if your kid goes to private or public school. So save the twenty grand a year and treat yourself to a nice vacation away from the little bastards.
It's also been proven that just having books in the house makes a huge difference in a child's development. If your home is adorned with nothing but Hummel dolls, DVD's, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you've just given your children the gift of Duh. Sarah Palin said recently she wrote on her hand because her father used to do it. I rest my case.
When there are no books in the house, and there are no parents in the house, you know who raises the kids? That's right, the television. Kids aren't keeping up with their studies; they're keeping up with the Kardashians. We're allowing the television, as babysitter, to turn us into a nation of slutty idiots. By the way, one sign your 9-year-old may be watching too much One Tree Hill: if she has an imaginary friend with benefits.
Yes, America has found its new boogeyman to blame for our crumbling educational system. It's just too easy to blame the teachers, what with their cushy teachers' lounges, their fat-cat salaries, and their absolute authority in deciding who gets a hall pass. We all remember high school - canning the entire faculty is a nationwide revenge fantasy. Take that, Mrs. Crabtree! And guess what? We're chewing gum and no, we didn't bring enough for everybody.
But isn't it convenient that once again it turns out that the problem isn't us, and the fix is something that doesn't require us to change our behavior or spend any money. It's so simple: Fire the bad teachers, hire good ones from some undisclosed location, and hey, while we're at it let's cut taxes more. It's the kind of comprehensive educational solution that could only come from a completely ignorant people.
Firing all the teachers may feel good - we're Americans, kicking people when they're down is what we do - but it's not really their fault. Now, undeniably, there are some bad teachers out there. They don't know the material, they don't make things interesting, they have sex with the same kid every day instead of spreading the love around... But every school has crappy teachers. Yale has crappy teachers - they must, they gave us George Bush.
According to all the studies, it doesn't matter what teachers do. Although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents do. The number one predictor of a child's academic success is parental involvement. It doesn't even matter if your kid goes to private or public school. So save the twenty grand a year and treat yourself to a nice vacation away from the little bastards.
It's also been proven that just having books in the house makes a huge difference in a child's development. If your home is adorned with nothing but Hummel dolls, DVD's, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you've just given your children the gift of Duh. Sarah Palin said recently she wrote on her hand because her father used to do it. I rest my case.
When there are no books in the house, and there are no parents in the house, you know who raises the kids? That's right, the television. Kids aren't keeping up with their studies; they're keeping up with the Kardashians. We're allowing the television, as babysitter, to turn us into a nation of slutty idiots. By the way, one sign your 9-year-old may be watching too much One Tree Hill: if she has an imaginary friend with benefits.
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