New Rule: Before running for office, politicians must be informed of their rights: that "Everything you say can and will be used against you in a Google search." Now, of course, we all embellish our resumes a little. In college, I described my job of pot dealer as "regional sales associate for a large multi-national firm." But we just had the fifth anniversary of YouTube and the twelfth of Google, and between them, they're killing off a great institution: lying. You just can't lie anymore -- facts are too easy to check, everything is on video, and your wife put a GPS in your glove compartment. Our privacy is gone, our Internet conversations are forever. I even have reason to believe I'm being recorded right now...
Jesus once said that there was nothing hidden that would not some day be revealed, but if he was alive today, and walked on water, it would be instantly on YouTube between a skateboard accident and a turtle biting a baby's ass. And the first comment would be "fag." Twenty-four hours of new video is posted on YouTube every 60 seconds. Mostly of a girl named Kelly, showing off things she bought at Forever 21, but still...
Even when you're just at Wal-Mart in your pajamas buying condoms, someone is taking a picture of it and putting it on a website called "People at Wal-Mart Buying Condoms in Their Pajamas." And Fergie -- whenever you're doing something shady in a hotel room, of course someone is filming it. Also be aware that, without makeup, you don't look anything like you do in the Black Eyed Peas.
Politically, it's even more ridiculous to think you can lie: Richard Blumenthal, running for the Senate in Connecticut, saying he was in Vietnam when he wasn't? This isn't camp, where you can tell a lie and no one will know back home. The army keeps records.
Or John McCain saying, " I never considered myself a maverick." Which of course prompted an avalanche of video, e-mails, letters and probably telegrams of McCain bragging that he was a maverick. There's video of everything, so to think you can get away with making a speech and just pulling shit out of your ass, you'd have to be an egomaniac, a sociopath, or a world-class moron. Which brings me to Sarah Palin.
Last week she said she knows what the Gulf states are going through now because, "I have lived and worked through that Exxon Valdez oil spill." She was a 25-year-old newlywed sportscaster, living in another part of the state that didn't see any oil. She "lived and worked" through Exxon Valdez the same way Christie Brinkley lived and worked through the Iranian hostage crisis. But she got away with it because she lied in the one place where it's still perfectly acceptable to lie -- inside the Fox News, Matt Drudge, Rush Limbaugh Republican bubble. It's where facts don't matter, because no one ever hears from that other, inconvenient side called reality. 24 days into the oil spill, former journalist Brit Hume said, "Where's the oil? You don't see it on the beach" -- like it's a liberal conspiracy.
Within that bubble, people think they can get away with anything -- hiking the Appalachian trail? Getting your gay hooker from Rentboy.com? But they can't -- no one can. If you don't believe me, text Tiger Woods and ask him. Don't have his number? Google it.
Speaking of hound dogs, our old friend John Edwards is looking for a plea deal this month. Because he said he didn't have sex with that woman, and then they found video of him going down on her when she was six-months pregnant. Senator, there's got to be a simpler way to hide your face from the camera. Don't you have a hat?