Bill Maher

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 11, 2011

2011-04-07T09:29:00.001-07:00

Friday, March 11, 2011

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 11, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It turns out that in the Republican budget they submitted for next year, they slash funding for the agency that issues Tsunamis warnings and organizes response to the Tsunamis. In their defense, Republicans say Tsunamis are just a theory and they are not a real threat, like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR and math teachers in Wisconsin.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Good news for Freedom Lovers, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has signed the bill sticking it to the real power brokers in our society, the teachers, janitors and bus drivers.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Who would have thought that sending your kid into a dark booth with a middle aged single man, in a dress, would lead to something bad.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue on the suspension of Philadelphia priests for sexual misconduct

Newt Gingrich’s patriotism is a little different. When he and his intern hear the National Anthem, she gets a lump in her throat.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Newt Gingrich’s “patriotic” philandering

Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what is ruining this country.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

If you listen to terrorist rhetoric, what they do is they cite politics, they cite political grievances. They don’t use too much religion. When you find Muslims who reject terrorism, as most do, it often is for spiritual and religious and moral reasons. But when people want to justify it, they justify it on political reasons.

- Rep. Keith Ellison

Dana Loesch: Collective bargaining is not listed in the Constitution.

Paul Begala: Neither is having sex with your wife but it doesn’t mean that the government can tell me I can’t do it.

- Dana Loesch and Paul Begala discussing the Wisconsin teachers protests

People aren’t voting their pocketbooks, they’ve voting their culture. They’re voting how they feel about gays, about how they feel about god, they’re voting guns. They are not voting economics because they don’t see their interests bound up economically. They see it as how the world looks at them.

- Tom Davis

The government is responsible for the material welfare of the people but as we know, the government is also responsible for a certain type of education of the people. Art, and we’re talking art when it is really doing what it is supposed to be doing, teaches abstract thinking, it teaches teamwork, it teaches people to actually think about things that they cannot see, it is actually an economic engine.

- Bill T. Jones

New Rule: Philadelphia’s twenty-one accused Catholic priests should cheer up. Don’t think of it as cops breaking up your pedophile club, think of it as giving up something you love for Lent.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were the Rep. Keith Ellison, Tom Davis, Dana Loesch, Paul Begala and Bill T. Jones.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 25, 2011

2011-04-07T09:26:00.001-07:00

Friday, March 25, 2011

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 25, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, “reckless.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about the US handling of Libya

Now that Obama has three wars going, they’ve been asking him about his Nobel Peace Prize and he said he’s going to keep it but he would only wear it with his tie that looks like a keyboard, so people know it’s ironic.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?

- Bill Maher is his opening monologue

If Bachman and Palin get in, that’s two bimbos. And there there’s Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we’ve got “Gilligan’s Island.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She stood at the Wailing Wall and said ‘I stood here for 45 minutes and didn’t see one whale.’

- Bill Maher on Sarah Palin’s visit to Israel

Embedded journalists and members of Congress are taken on a show where they see a dog one day and the pony the next day and they don’t leave the forward operating bases…the reality is, we’re losing that war militarily.

- Jeremy Scahill on the War in Afghanistan and the media’s reporting on it

This is what America needs, a guy that can out douche bag Muammar Gaddafi. This is how we restore America, with fraudulent real estate deals.

- Bill Maher on Donald Trump’s comments about swindling Gaddafi out of rental land

We’re incapable of doing good things ourselves, it seems, but we’ve got the Republican Party that will bail us out every single time.

- Ed Rendell on an ineffective Democratic Party’s achievements due to Republican over-reaching

We are so screwed up about partisan politics…that we can’t act together on some things that we know are right.

- Ed Rendell

New Rule: The Pentagon has to stop naming military operations. Libya is "Operation Odyssey Dawn." What does that mean? Why name these things in the first place? It's teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although ironically, the nickname for my penis is "Operation Odyssey Dawn."

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If you make a plane like the F-22, and it cost $350 million each and then you have THREE wars, and you still don't use it, you have to admit that the defense budget is really a jobs program. Did we buy this plane as a favor to someone in the office? Is it a supersonic Girl Scout cookie? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya: who are we saving it to fight? The Transformers?

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Jeremy Scahill, David Brooks, Tina Brown, Ed Rendell and Ellen Page.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 18, 2011

2011-04-07T09:25:00.001-07:00

Friday, March 18, 2011

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 18, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Just be happy that something traveled 5000 miles across the Pacific and for once, it wasn’t your job.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding trace amounts of radiation reaching California

Sarah Palin finally heard what happened to Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

It’s probably too late but the U.N. has authorized a no-fly zone and Obama is on board. Republicans don’t know what to do with this. They wanted this to happen, so it is good. But now Obama wants it, so it’s bad. And it involves bombing Muslims so it is good, but it involves the U.N., which is bad. In fact, today, Fox News was just a test pattern with the message, “Please be patient while we figure out how this makes Obama the worst President ever.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

I do come from Jerusalem but prophecy isn’t my strong point.
- Ambassador Micahel Oren when asked if more democracy was possible in the Middle East

When you say ‘freezing settlements’ it’s kind of like a Palestinian cease-fire; which is really just another way of saying reloading.
- Bill Maher

The right wing always is so afraid of gay people getting married but really, if they really don’t like gay people, they should let them get married because no one suffers as much as married people.
- Annabelle Gurwitch

New Rule: If your organization’s job is to talk to the government about guns, when the President invites you to talk about guns…go. This week, Obama invited the NRA to the White House and their CEO said no, “Why, should the NRA sit down with people that have spent a lifetime trying to destroy the Second Amendment?” Here’s why, Dumbass McBang-Bang, because talking is how grownups resolve differences. It’s our version of shooting.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: While you’re telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I cannot give a shit all at once.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Ambassador Michael Oren, Erica Williams, Richard Belzer, Dan Neil and Annabelle Gurwitch.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 4, 2011

2011-04-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

Friday, March 4, 2011

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 4, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Such a nice welcome. We’ve been off for a week. I was rehabbing at the Sober Valley Lodge. I tell ya, that place is no place to get sober. There’s so much cocaine in the carpet, even when you pass out, you still get high.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week, Americans turned on their television sets and were witness to a pathetic disaster slowly unfolding. And after the Oscars, then Charlie Sheen started to give interviews and it never stopped. And America said, forget Wisconsin, forget the Middle East, Charlie Sheen is coming off a coke high it is funny.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

It is funny that he keeps waving a paper saying he passed a drug test. How is that good for his image? It just means he’s like that sober.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.” So yes, it’s childish. It’s needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Oh yes, write your network executives and your Congressmen, cause if we don’t have a ninth season of “Two and a Half Men,” art will die.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Planned Parenthood is the most trusted organization in the entire country.

- Gloria Steinem

If Charlie Sheen had an air force, he’d be Gaddafi.

- Gloria Steinem

New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being, but a robot designed by women. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent, and he has a gay best friend. The only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Hagen-Dazs.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If Charlie Sheen’s home life means he can’t have a TV show then I say, Newt Gingrich can’t run for president.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's panelists were Gloria Steinem, Ezra Klein and Gavin Newsom, joined by Tracey Ullman with a satellite interview with T.C. Boyle.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Jan. 14, 2011

2011-01-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

Friday, January 14, 2011

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, January 14th, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

The President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Sarah said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane and casting the President as a foreign enemy.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

She [Sarah Palin] has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, … they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Ted Williams, who was unknown a week ago and then became a celebrity and already he’s been subpoenaed, been detained by police and checked into rehab. Or as it’s known here in Hollywood, "the full Lohan."

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

The idea behind this is to get it down to a one-page mortgage shopping sheet, so you can actually see what the price is and can make comparisons, a two-page credit card agreement. It’s to try to end the days of word barf, you know, on the page.

- Elizabeth Warren, regarding the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau

In the consumer area, let’s just be real clear, the big problem on these financial problems is, there’s no cop on the beat. The game has entirely been, you put all the words you want, you write the fine print, you do it your way, and whatever you can shoot and skin, belongs to you.

- Elizabeth Warren

Why not have a discussion about mental health or gun control, which this had something to do with?

- James Carville regarding the shootings in Arizona

I‘d like to see a better linkage between the gun control stuff we have now and the crazy-filter. Because if you look at Virginia Tech and you look at this guy, it is too easy for mentally ill people to get guns; because there’s no mental screening anymore.

- Mike Murphy

There’s ten “birthers” in the House of Representatives. So they ask the Speaker, they said, do you believe Obama was born in the United States? He said, I do. And they say, so what about these ten people? He said, it’s not my job to tell them what to do. Of course that’s your job! You have a whip. You have a majority leader. You crack people into line. You go to them and you say, you’re an embarrassment to the Republican Party.

- James Carville

I am watching this show backstage, the first show of your ninth season, and if you’ve lost anything, it’s minimal.

- Martin Short to Bill Maher

That could be seen as a back-handed compliment,

- Bill Maher

No, no. It isn’t. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that you are a genius. Really. Not particularly true, but safe.

- Martin Short

And you look great. Boyish. Always boyish. At first I thought you were Rachel Maddow when I came out here.

- Martin Short to Bill Maher

New Rule: If your movie doesn't contain any actual "history" you can't get mad when they won't show it on The History Channel. The History Channel, which just pulled its Kennedy miniseries because too much of it was just made up. Listen, if you don't want to get in trouble for fabricating, next time just call them the Shmemmedys. Schmack and Schmobby Shmemmedy, and Shmack's glamorous wife, Shmackie. And little brother, Shmed, who drove off a bridge at Shmappaquiddick.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics - "Dancing with the Stars", and now prison, somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were James Carville, Mike Murphy, Chrystia Freeland, Elizabeth Warren and Marin Short.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Nov 5, 2010

2010-11-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

Friday, November 5, 2010

QUOTES FROM REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, November 5, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

A special shout out to the Independent geniuses who switched sides again because President Chocolate Jesus did not make it rain $20s in two years. You know, Branson wasnt built in a day folks.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

If you can vote for Bush one year, then the next election for Obama and then go back to John Boehner; youre not Independent, youre schizophrenic.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election

I havent seen Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election

Mr. Boehner, youve got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And also, whats he going to do if he loses next time, put on a Bjork record and cut himself?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding John Boehners acceptance speech

Note to George Bush, when Kanye West messed with Taylor Swift, she got over it. And she was twelve.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Bushs self proclaimed lowest point of his presidency

Leave it to a witch to defend a ghost.
- Dana Gould regarding Christine ODonnells concession speech in which she brought up estate taxes

This election was lost when Obama didnt back the public option. That was the one key thing that said to the people You know what, this is no different then the Al Gore Democrats. You know the ole Al Gore playbook Lets run from our achievements and lets not stand up for what we believe in.
- Bill Maher regarding the midterm election

New Rule: Unless it's a freak, I don't need to see a sonogram of your baby. You know how all babies look alike? Well, not one zillionth as much as all pre-babies look alike. Oh, it's so beautiful. No, it looks like a photocopy of a Polaroid of a black-and-white TV image of the skeleton of Charlie Brown, at the bottom of a well. But he has his mother's eye sockets.

New Rule: Stop putting Bro in front of everything. Bromance, brodown, Brodak moment. Way to make shoe shopping with my friend Steve sound gay. Oh, and one way to tell your bromance has grown into a full-on gay relationship: when you're giving each other bro-jobs.

This week's guests were Bill OReilly, Rep. Darrell Issa, Fareed Zakaria, Dana Gould and Mayor Adrian Fenty.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 22, 2010

2010-10-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 22, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 22, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It was an amazing week for idiocy in America. I don’t know where to begin. Glenn Beck said that evolution is "ridiculous," cause he’s never seen a half man/half monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the 1st Amendment was in the 1st Amendment. We are truly one nation, indivisible, on the short bus.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Coons quoted the 1st Amendment, "government shall make no establishment of religion." And Christine said, "That's in the First Amendment?" No, it's in Genesis, looney tunes.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Carl Paladino … He left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for FloMax I've ever seen.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

You can’t please all of the war criminals all of the time.
- George Clooney regarding Omar al-Bashir accusing him of encouraging war

I’m not quite sure that we’re in a position to be bombing or attacking another Arab/Muslin country.
- George Clooney regarding using diplomacy in Sudan

This movement, the Sudanese movement, Darfur, the North/South agreement, were really truly embraced by the right even more so than the left.
- George Clooney

I’ve never seen an election cycle with more ignorance than in this one.
- Rob Reiner

He [Hitler] was charismatic and they were having hard economic times, just like we are now. People were out of work. They needed jobs. And a guy came along and rallied the troops. … My fear is that The Tea Party gets a charismatic leader. Because all they’re selling is fear and anger and that’s all Hitler sold. I’m angry and I’m frightened and you should hate that guy over there. And that’s what they’re doing.
- Rob Reiner

She’s a twenty-five year substitute teacher who this week announced she’s Asian. A Libertarian who’s for alcohol prohibition. A Christian values grandma who promotes Scientology. From Las Vegas Nevada, luck be a looney tonight, it’s Sharon Angle. Now Sharon is most famous for suggesting that if Harry Reid beats her in the election, somebody should shoot him. How else does one interpret her call for 2nd Amendment remedies? Which angered liberals and caused Christine O’Donnell to ask, “There’s a 2nd Amendment?”
- Bill Maher in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

She says rape victims should have the baby because it’s part of God’s plan. Finally, a candidate with the courage to stand up to rape victims.
- Bill Maher, regarding Sharon Angle, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Alvin brings unique ideas to the Democratic bench, like his unemployment program which involves creating jobs by having people, I’m not kidding, make action figures of him.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Alvin doesn’t speak in soundbites. In fact, he doesn’t speak at all. His stump speech is five minutes of clearing his throat followed by a blank stare. Yes, his quest for office broke all the rules. He made no speeches. He did no campaigning. He shook nobody’s hand. And it turns out that’s exactly what South Carolina was looking for, a black man who’s invisible.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Are you rooting for her on “Dancing with the Stars?”
- Rob Reiner
Yes I am.
- Levi Johnston
- An exchange regarding Bristol Palin

I’m a big fan of Trojan these days.
- Levi Johnston

We’re debating on that one.
- Levi Johnston, in response to Bill Maher asking whether he’s a Republican or Democrat

New Rule: If you married a manic depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say "In God We Trust."
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment, regarding Lincoln on the penny

New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "Sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner slut and parade around like vixens and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were George Clooney, Rob Reiner, Jake Tapper, Nicole Wallace and Levi Johnston.

New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances...

2010-10-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances, Don't Send Her a Picture of Your Penis

New Rule: If a woman rejects your first dozen advances, don't up the ante by sending her a picture of your penis. This week, we found out that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre allegedly tried to get with a young woman by sending her MySpace messages, voicemails, and notes through a friend, and when none of that worked, and it was third and long -- though, not as long as most of us would have imagined -- he decided to throw the Hail Mary and sext her pictures of Little Brett to close the deal. Brett, I get it: Your dictionary doesn't include the word "quit" or "retire" or "married" but you've got to at least understand "punt." You know the worst part about having sex with Brett Favre? He keeps saying he's finished, and then he comes back to drag it out for another year.

To me, this story isn't about sports or sex or how necessary caller ID is -- it's about how pathetic and clueless white American males have become. Because the kind of guy who thinks there are women out there who just, cold, want to see your cock, is the same kind of guy who thinks Sarah Palin is swell and tax cuts pay for themselves. I will explain that connection further, but first let's just dwell for one more moment on how stupid it is to forget that in 2010 when you text someone a picture of your genitals, you're not just sending it to that person, but to every person she has in her contacts... and then everyone on the planet who has access to the Internet. Somewhere right now there's a tribesman in Samoa thinking, "Brett Favre is texting a picture of his dick to a woman? That shit never works."

And he's right -- no woman in the history of mankind has ever wanted to see a picture of a penis. Go back to the earliest cave paintings. The very first one is of a cock, and after that they're all antelopes and sunrises. But for some reason men persist. Why? Because men have always been in charge, especially white men. Brett Favre is like a lot of white males: he's owned the world for so long, he's going a little crazy now that he doesn't. Also, like many white men across the country, he lost his job to a Mexican, (i.e. Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez).

If Brett Favre's penis could talk, what would it say? Well, other than, "No photos please," I think it would say, "I'm not a witch. I'm you." Because for hundreds of years white penises were America. White penises founded America, they made the rules and they called the shots in the workplace, in the home, and at the ballot box. But now the unthinkable is happening. White penises are becoming the minority: 2010 was the first year in which more minority babies were born in the U.S. than white babies. This is what conservatives are really upset about -- that the president is black, and the best golfer is black, and the Secretary of State is a woman, and suddenly this country is way off track and needs some serious 'restoring.' If penises could cry -- and I believe they can -- then white penises are crying all over America.

And that's where this crew comes in; Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Michele Bachmann; the lovely MILFs of the new right. And their little secret is that their popularity comes exclusively from white men. Look at the polling: minorities hate them, women hate them -- only white men like them. I'm no psychiatrist, but I do own a couch, and my theory is that these women represent something those men miss dearly: the traditional, idiot housewife. Writing on your hand is sheer Lucy. If an election between Obama and Sarah Palin were held today, and only white men could vote, Sarah Palin would be president. Did you know that in 1788, when there were four million people in America, only 39,000 of them -- the richest white men -- got to vote? That doesn't sound good to you? Well, what if I threw in a picture of my cock? Which brings me back to Brett Favre, and I think it's worth noting that in one of the alleged photos of him, he's pleasuring himself on a bed while wearing Crocs. And if you think about it, is there any better metaphor for the sad state of America today than an over-the-hill white guy lazily masturbating in plastic shoes?

Follow Bill Maher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/billmaher

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 15, 2010

2010-10-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 15, 2010

QUOTES FROM REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, October 15, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselvesbut enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Michael Jackson could have come back from the dead with Jesus and you wouldnt have seen it on TV this week. Americans love Chilean miners. I havent seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole sincethe Octomom.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the release of the Chilean miners

They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Delaware debate between candidates Christine ODonnell and Chris Coons

The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Dont Ask, Dont Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats cant afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He convinced Newt Gingrich and I to go on tour together. Thats how much he believes in bringing people together.
- Rev. Al Sharpton regarding President Obama

People earn what society is willing to pay them. We have multi-millionaire athletes because peoplewill go and pay $80, $90, $100, $150, $200 for a sports ticket. But yet, at the same time they dont want to put that sort of effort on backing within our educational system and our teachers dont make as much. This is a societal problem. People value entertainment more than they do their kids education.
- Dana Loesch

New Rule: I'm all against bullying, but the makers of Glee can't promise to fight back with a special episode about the problems of gay teenagers since every episode of Glee is about the problems of gay teenagers. It's like making a special episode of "House" where someone gets a weird disease, everyone misdiagnoses it, and then House shits on them and figures it out.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you wanna see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

This week's guests were the Rev. Al Sharpton, John Legend, Dana Loesch, Markos Moulitsas and Dan Neil.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 8, 2010

2010-10-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 8, 2010

QUOTES FROM REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, October 8, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, Im not trying to be partisan but it seems like if theyre anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If theyre anti-gay, they turn out gay. If theyre super Christian, theyre a witch.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She is behind and I dont think its the witch stuff. I think its because of her anti-masturbating stance. Shes very serious about that and you know people in Delaware are going come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You mess with Todd Palin, you could wake up with a horses ass in you bed, like he does everyday.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There are thousands of myths in the world. None of them are better than any of the others. Some of them are a lot more poetic than that one, but thats all you can say.
- Richard Dawkins regarding the Bible

There is no logical pathway that would lead you from Atheism to doing those terrible things. There is a logical pathway that would lead you, either from a Christian religionor from one of the State religions like Nazism, like Stalinism and so on. You really can justify doing those awful things if you believe something as strongly as religious people do.
- Richard Dawkins

I spent 40 years as a writer and now Im a content provider and content is free on the Internet. Im supposed to like Al Gore for that? The Internet was invented by academics and military groups; by Commies and Fascists.
- P.J. ORourke

She came right out and said shes not a witch. Has Hillary Clinton ever cleared that up?
- P.J. ORourke regarding Christine ODonnells newest Im Not a Witch campaign ad

Asinine. That is absolutely asinineand to make a campaign ad entirely about it, absolutely stupid.
- S.E. Cupp regarding Christine ODonnells newest Im Not a Witch campaign ad

We conservatives believe government is bad and weve got the candidates to prove it.
- P.J. ORourke

He said he actually got involved with this with his teenage son, a father and son bonding thing. I guess the Boy Scouts were all filled up.
- Joshua Green regarding Candidate Richard Iott (R-OH) being involved in a Nazi re-enactment group

How come a guy in a cave gets it better than every Republican voting for the Senate?
- Bill Maher on Bin Ladens statement acknowledging global warming

New Rule: Don't keep the super glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and - yes, she super glued her eyes shut. And, after seeing what had happened, her husband of many years took the superglue and moved it next to the toothpaste.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: Now that Michael Vick is injured, and can't compete on Sundays, he must be put down.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

This week's guests were Andrew Ross Sorkin, S.E. Cupp, P.J. ORourke, Josh Green and Richard Dawkins.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 1, 2010

2010-10-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 1, 2010

QUOTES FROM REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, October 1st, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Today we found out that a third college that she said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. Im starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Christine ODonnell

Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call backyard visits where the President speaks to people in their backyards in Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Yesterday he said the networks were run by Jews. And today, Rick Sanchez was fired; as Meg Whitmans housekeeper.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Clip from Politically Incorrect 7/9/99:
ODonnell: I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian.
Maher: You were a witch.
ODonnell: I was. I was
Maher: You were
ODonnell: I was dabbling in witchcraft. I dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didnt want to become a vegetarian, and that is honestly the reason why, because Im Italian and I love meatballs
Maher: Boy are you spiritual.

He made a speech recently where he broke down and cried like Glenn Beck does.
- Bill Maher regarding Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai

You see whats happening and its only happening in one party, the Republican Party. There you get a bunch of amateurs who are really angry at the Establishment, who are overturning them in primaries, and amateurs dont make very good politicians. In fact, they make prohibitively weird politicians.
- Joe Klein

The problem with President Obama was he could have nipped this right-wing populism in the bud if he had hit jobs and homes early on and not allowed them to use that as the objects of their organizing.
- Cornell West regarding the Republican right-wing

Democrats always have Congressional experts as their Chiefs of Staff which leads Democratic presidents to be really concerned about every last provision in a 2000 page health care bill but not concerned enough about leading and transcending the sausage making in Congress.
- Joe Klein

Rahm Emanuel exemplifies contemporary cynicism and old-fashioned arrogance in American politics.
- Cornell West

White people have no rhythm. Black people have no gaydar.
- Bill Maher

This week's guests were Bob Woodward, Cornell West, Arianna Huffington, David Cross and Joe Klein.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Sept. 24, 2010

2010-09-25T00:32:00.000-07:00

Friday, September 24, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 24th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

There’s nothing about what really, you know, is bothering people, especially on that side of the aisle, how to cut the deficit or decrease spending, it’s just about kicking out Mexicans, keeping Guantanamo open, getting rid of health insurance for sick kids, you know, feel-good stuff.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the Republicans “Pledge to America”

It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They blocked, the Republicans did, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don’t know what their problem is with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican party.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

They’re giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Christine O’Donnell in Delaware … There are a lot of questions now about her use of campaign funds and not paying her taxes and not paying her mortgage. And on top of that, some asshole outed her as a witch.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Let me just say to the Wiccans, who are the witch people out there, cause they’re on my case: It wasn’t me, Wiccans, who conflated witches with Satanic stuff, that was Christine did that. I know that Satan worshippers and witches are not the same thing. So please, change my assistant back into a human. Would ya please? It’s funny for a while, but chickens can’t type.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

The one thing that’s definitely true is there’s certainly a cover-up. I mean, I wouldn’t speak on whether they had some CIA operative waiting in a bush to shoot his ass … I think it’s criminal for sure.

- Richard Tillman, brother of killed soldier Pat Tillman, about his brother’s death

What’s the morality of passing legislation that is now keeping businesses from hiring new employees and not offering jobs that would even give the healthcare coverage.

- Amy Holmes, regarding healthcare reform

We don’t need those tax cuts … I personally don’t need those tax cuts.

- Seth MacFarlane, regarding repealing the Bush tax cuts for the rich

The American people didn’t have the ability to debate the issue … They didn’t debate it for a year. People said we will not talk about it with you. They shoved union members into the front of the town halls. They beat people up.

- Andrew Breitbart, regarding healthcare reform

When we invaded Iraq, we invited the UK to come fight with us. We invited France. We invited Germany. Every one of those armies had openly gay soldiers serving in the military. The only other country that didn’t, besides us, was the Iraqi army.

- Seth MacFarlane

Clip from “Politically Incorrect 10/15/98

Panel: Christine O’Donnell, Dee Snider, John Fugelsang, Eddie McClurg.

Christine O’Donnell: You know what evolution, evolution is a myth. Even

Darwin himself…

Maher: Evolution is a myth? Have you ever looked at a monkey?

O’Donnell: Then why aren’t they, why aren’t monkeys still evolving into

humans.?

John Fugelsang: It takes a long time.

- Clip is available upon request

New Rule: Never let your children take an overnight trip with a holy man who wears more than two pieces of jewelry. Atlanta’s gay-bashing Bishop Eddie Long has been accused of buying cars for teenage boys, then inviting them to New Zealand and molesting them, in what authorities are calling “the worst Oprah surprise of all time.” Which leads me to: New Rule: If your minister says being gay is bad, or a sin, or an evil temptation, or has any opinion on it stronger than “who gives a shit,” your minister is gay.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If they’re going to make a historical epic, full of British actors, in period costumes, about Queen Elizabeth helping her father get over his speech impediment, why bother having the Oscars at all? You win. Unless someone in America is making a movie where Meryl Streep teaches Anne Frank how to box, we give up.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Richard Tillman, Andrew Breitbart, Amy Holmes, Seth MacFarlane, and Ann Druyan.

New Rule: Rich People Who Complain About Being Vilified Should Be Vilified

2010-09-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

New Rule: The next rich person who publicly complains about being vilified by the Obama administration must be publicly vilified by the Obama administration. It's so hard for one person to tell another person what constitutes being "rich", or what tax rate is "too much." But I've done some math that indicates that, considering the hole this country is in, if you are earning more than a million dollars a year and are complaining about a 3.6% tax increase, then you are by definition a greedy asshole.

And let's be clear: that's 3.6% only on income above 250 grand -- your first 250, that's still on the house. Now, this week we got some horrible news: that one in seven Americans are now living below the poverty line. But I want to point you to an American who is truly suffering: Ben Stein. You know Ben Stein, the guy who got rich because when he talks it sounds so boring it's actually funny. He had a game show on Comedy Central, does eye drop commercials, doesn't believe in evolution? Yeah, that asshole. I kid Ben -- so, the other day Ben wrote an article about his struggle. His struggle as a wealthy person facing the prospect of a slightly higher marginal tax rate. Specifically, Ben said that when he was finished paying taxes and his agents, he was left with only 35 cents for every dollar he earned. Which is shocking, Ben Stein has an agent? I didn't know Broadway Danny Rose was still working.

Ben whines in his article about how he's worked for every dollar he has -- if by work you mean saying the word "Bueller" in a movie 25 years ago. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, it's just that at a time when people in America are desperate and you're raking in the bucks promoting some sleazy Free Credit Score dot-com... maybe you shouldn't be asking us for sympathy. Instead, you should be down on your knees thanking God and/or Ronald Reagan that you were lucky enough to be born in a country where a useless schmuck who contributes absolutely nothing to society can somehow manage to find himself in the top marginal tax bracket.

And you're welcome to come on the show anytime.

Now I can hear you out there saying, "Come on Bill, don't be so hard on Ben Stein, he does a lot of voiceover work, and that's hard work." Ok, it's true, Ben is hardly the only rich person these days crying like a baby who's fallen off his bouncy seat. Last week Mayor Bloomberg of New York complained that all his wealthy friends are very upset with mean ol' President Poopy-Pants: He said they all say the same thing: "I knew I was going to have to pay more taxes. But I didn't expect to be vilified." Poor billionaires -- they just can't catch a break.

First off, far from being vilified, we bailed you out -- you mean we were supposed to give you all that money and kiss your ass, too? That's Hollywood you're thinking of. FDR, he knew how to vilify; this guy, not so much. And second, you should have been vilified -- because you're the vill-ains! I'm sure a lot of you are very nice people. And I'm sure a lot of you are jerks. In other words, you're people. But you are the villains. Who do you think outsourced all the jobs, destroyed the unions, and replaced workers with desperate immigrants and teenagers in China. Joe the Plumber?

And right now, while we run trillion dollar deficits, Republicans are holding America hostage to the cause of preserving the Bush tax cuts that benefit the wealthiest 1% of people, many of them dead. They say that we need to keep taxes on the rich low because they're the job creators. They're not. They're much more likely to save money through mergers and outsourcing and cheap immigrant labor, and pass the unemployment along to you.

Americans think rich people must be brilliant; no -- just ruthless. Meg Whitman is running for Governor out here, and her claim to fame is, she started e-Bay. Yes, Meg tapped into the Zeitgeist, the zeitgeist being the desperate need of millions of Americans to scrape a few dollars together by selling the useless crap in their garage. What is e-Bay but a big cyber lawn sale that you can visit without putting your clothes on?

Another of my favorites, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said, "I don't know where they're going to get all this money, because we're running out of rich people in this country." Actually, we have more billionaires here in the U.S. than all the other countries in the top ten combined, and their wealth grew 27% in the last year. Did yours? Truth is, there are only two things that the United States is not running out of: Rich people and bullshit. Here's the truth: When you raise taxes slightly on the wealthy, it obviously doesn't destroy the economy -- we know this, because we just did it -- remember the '90's? It wasn't that long ago. You were probably listening to grunge music, or dabbling in witchcraft. Clinton moved the top marginal rate from 36 to 39% -- and far from tanking, the economy did so well he had time to get his dick washed.

Even 39% isn't high by historical standards. Under Eisenhower, the top tax rate was 91%. Under Nixon, it was 70%. Obama just wants to kick it back to 39 -- just three more points for the very rich. Not back to 91, or 70. Three points. And they go insane. Steve Forbes said that Obama, quote "believes from his inner core that people... above a certain income have more than they should have and that many probably have gotten it from ill-gotten ways." Which they have. Steve Forbes, of course, came by his fortune honestly: he inherited it from his gay egg-collecting, Elizabeth Taylor fag-hagging father, who inherited it from his father. Of course then they moan about the inheritance tax, how the government took 55% percent when Daddy died -- which means you still got 45% for doing nothing more than starting out life as your father's pecker-snot.

We don't hate rich people, but have a little humility about how you got it and stop complaining. Maybe the worst whiner of all: Stephen Schwarzman, #69 on Forbes' list of richest Americans, compared Obama's tax hike to "when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939." Wow. If Obama were Hitler, Mr. Schwarzman, I think your tax rate would be the least of your worries.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Sept. 17, 2010

2010-09-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 17th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

She does not have a mean bone in her body. Or any other bone in her body. She would campaign against sex outside of marriage, against condoms, against pornography, against masturbation…all my hobbies. But mostly masturbation. She hates that. Which is ironic since she owes her nomination to a bunch of jack offs.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Christine O’Donnell

Her campaign signs show a picture of Obama and they say “Spank This Monkey Instead,” because the Tea Party is 100% not racist.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Christine O’Donnell

Her detractors use this; say she’s homeless, jobless and can’t pay her taxes and her supporters say ‘finally, someone who represents the average American.’
- Bill Maher on Christine O’Donnell

I don’t understand America’s attitudes for Muslims these days. They knock down a building in New York, we get mad. They want to put up a building in New York, we get mad. Make up your minds!
- Bill Maher

There is nothing that cools right-wing heads more than injecting Michael Moore into a controversy.
- Bill Maher regarding Michael Moore’s blog entry about the mosque controversy

Why don’t we have words for people like Gingrich and Palin because you know, they’re essentially our Mullahs, our Taliban. We don’t even refer to them as but we should start calling them Cleric Gingrich and Mullah Taliban Palin. See how that fits….their level of bigotry is so un-American.
- Michael Moore

How about that McDonald’s two blocks away from Ground Zero? That’s killed more people than the nineteen high jackers.
- Michael Moore about the mosque controversy

I do miss George Bush. Compared to these tea baggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.
- Bill Maher

I think it is sad that the guy who was a big ideas guy in the party is crawling his way to the bottom. We should be debating ideas and not birth certificates and the notion that someone comes from Africa.
- Mark McKinnon on Newt Gingrich

The Democratic Party is re-electing people like Charlie Rangel. We’ve got Democratic congressmen who think that Guam is overpopulated and going to tip over, so all the crazies aren’t in the Tea Party. They’re all crazy up there right now.
- Mark McKinnon

Isn’t Obama’s big problem that he does everything half ass? Maybe it’s because he’s only half black. If he was fully black, he would be a better president. There’s a white man in him, holding him back.
- Bill Maher

New Rule: Nobody wants to see a movie about Facebook. What's the big Second Act crisis, a server going down? If this is a hit, what next? "Google: The Musical?" "Craigslist 3D - The Search For A Slightly Used Rowing Machine?" They might as well make a sitcom out of that blog where some guy just repeats shit his dad says.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If you dragged your man to "Eat, Pray, Love" this summer, he gets to take you to a movie called, "Football, Jerk Off, Nap."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Michael Moore, Mark McKinnon, Martha Raddatz, Jon Hamm and Robert Reich.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - JUNE 11, 2010

2010-06-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

Friday, June 11, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, June 11th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

There is good news! BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Helen Thomas … They got her on tape saying the Jews should get out of Palestine. Yeah, not good, she had to quit. On the bright side, Hezbollah Magazine put her on the cover of their “Women We Love” issue.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

This week we had primaries and they say this is “The Year of the Woman.” The women dominated. As opposed to the last election cycle, which was “The Year of the Closeted Gay Republican.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She [ex-eBay CEO Meg Whitman] said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

My title came from my marriage to my husband, who by the way is a direct descendent of the Prophet Mohammed, and he has both a temporal but also a spiritual role in the eyes of many, not only in Jordan, but in the Muslim world as well, as a direct descendent of the Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him. But for me, from the time I married, to this day, to my dying day, I will simply be a public servant.

- Jordan’s Queen Noor

Republicans are filibustering everything. That’s why. It doesn’t magically take 60 votes to do something. Every time they do that, it is a filibuster. And it’s being used more frequently than it’s ever been used in American history before. And Republicans should answer for that because it’s a really stupid way to run the country.

- Rachel Maddow

It seems like we have to tax something, why not rich dead people? Of all the things you could tax; they don’t have any need for the money, on account of that whole being dead thing.

- Bill Maher

Meg Whitman, the former head of, CEO of, eBay and Carly Fiorina, the former head of Hewlett Packard, both said it; they’d like to run the state like a business. Could we please retire this canard? Why should we run the state, first of all, it’s a different skill-set, but a business is there to serve and protect profits. A politician getting elected should be there to serve and protect people.

- Bill Maher

New Rule: Restaurants that serve the greasiest foods have to stop using the ultra thin napkins that only work if you take 1000 of them. These aren’t even napkins. They’re coffee filters. They absorb so little oil I’m surprised BP hasn’t tried them in the Gulf.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Someone has to explain to me the difference between eating the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap—which is basically a handful of burger chunks, lettuce, and sauce all glopped together on a tortilla—and eating out of the garbage.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Katy Perry and Lady Gaga must admit that what they’re really fighting about is who gets to be Cher.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Rachel Maddow, Jon Meacham, Bill Frist, Oliver Stone and Her Majesty, Queen Noor of Jordan.

“Real Time with Bill Maher” will return from its summer hiatus on September 17th.

New Rule: Politicians Must Be Informed of Their Rights: "Everything You Say Can and Will Be Used Against You in a Google Search"

2010-05-29T01:10:00.000-07:00

New Rule: Before running for office, politicians must be informed of their rights: that "Everything you say can and will be used against you in a Google search." Now, of course, we all embellish our resumes a little. In college, I described my job of pot dealer as "regional sales associate for a large multi-national firm." But we just had the fifth anniversary of YouTube and the twelfth of Google, and between them, they're killing off a great institution: lying. You just can't lie anymore -- facts are too easy to check, everything is on video, and your wife put a GPS in your glove compartment. Our privacy is gone, our Internet conversations are forever. I even have reason to believe I'm being recorded right now...

Jesus once said that there was nothing hidden that would not some day be revealed, but if he was alive today, and walked on water, it would be instantly on YouTube between a skateboard accident and a turtle biting a baby's ass. And the first comment would be "fag." Twenty-four hours of new video is posted on YouTube every 60 seconds. Mostly of a girl named Kelly, showing off things she bought at Forever 21, but still...

Even when you're just at Wal-Mart in your pajamas buying condoms, someone is taking a picture of it and putting it on a website called "People at Wal-Mart Buying Condoms in Their Pajamas." And Fergie -- whenever you're doing something shady in a hotel room, of course someone is filming it. Also be aware that, without makeup, you don't look anything like you do in the Black Eyed Peas.

Politically, it's even more ridiculous to think you can lie: Richard Blumenthal, running for the Senate in Connecticut, saying he was in Vietnam when he wasn't? This isn't camp, where you can tell a lie and no one will know back home. The army keeps records.

Or John McCain saying, " I never considered myself a maverick." Which of course prompted an avalanche of video, e-mails, letters and probably telegrams of McCain bragging that he was a maverick. There's video of everything, so to think you can get away with making a speech and just pulling shit out of your ass, you'd have to be an egomaniac, a sociopath, or a world-class moron. Which brings me to Sarah Palin.

Last week she said she knows what the Gulf states are going through now because, "I have lived and worked through that Exxon Valdez oil spill." She was a 25-year-old newlywed sportscaster, living in another part of the state that didn't see any oil. She "lived and worked" through Exxon Valdez the same way Christie Brinkley lived and worked through the Iranian hostage crisis. But she got away with it because she lied in the one place where it's still perfectly acceptable to lie -- inside the Fox News, Matt Drudge, Rush Limbaugh Republican bubble. It's where facts don't matter, because no one ever hears from that other, inconvenient side called reality. 24 days into the oil spill, former journalist Brit Hume said, "Where's the oil? You don't see it on the beach" -- like it's a liberal conspiracy.

Within that bubble, people think they can get away with anything -- hiking the Appalachian trail? Getting your gay hooker from Rentboy.com? But they can't -- no one can. If you don't believe me, text Tiger Woods and ask him. Don't have his number? Google it.

Speaking of hound dogs, our old friend John Edwards is looking for a plea deal this month. Because he said he didn't have sex with that woman, and then they found video of him going down on her when she was six-months pregnant. Senator, there's got to be a simpler way to hide your face from the camera. Don't you have a hat?

New Rule: The Republican Leadership in America Must Produce Their Birth Certificates

2010-05-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

New Rule: The Republican leadership in America must produce their birth certificates! Not because I doubt they're Americans, I just want to make sure they're not eight-years-old. I mention this because a major talking point on Fox News and hate radio these days is that, after a year and a half of Obama, it's time to bring the "adults" back into power, so they can rein in our deficit, defeat terrorism, and focus on America's real enemy: cleaning ladies in Arizona. But I must protest the premise, because conservatives are the ones who tend to believe in magical ideas, like: America is never wrong; you can defeat terrorism militarily; and lower taxes will somehow fix the deficit. And I'm not even mentioning the stuff about how Jesus used to fly around on a pterodactyl and just hated it when homos ate wedding cake.

Now, am I saying there are no adults in today's Republican Party? Absolutely not, there are -- but like a lot of parents today, the adults let their kids cow them. And silence them. And rule over them. Rush Limbaugh is a child, a primal scream of a man, but he gets his way because he's the fat bully on the playground; and Glenn Beck is the weepy kid who's always crying because he's insane and you don't know what he's going to do and who he's going to take with him.

For example: to solve our debt crisis, a bunch of Republican senators suggested a bipartisan debt commission, which is the adult thing to do. But when Obama agreed to it, immediately seven of them said no -- now they're against it. Because Obama has cooties. Democrats have cooties, so you can't vote with them, or work with them, and compromise is treason. Compare this to England, where they just had an election two weeks ago and, power changed hands -- but the party that lost is working WITH the part that won -- they are not accusing them of being Bolshevik Zulus out to destroy the Magna Carta. Because the English are grown ups, including their conservatives who enjoy a wonderful luxury that conservatives on this side of the pond do not. They're allowed to be sane. They don't have to pander to creationists and anti-intellectuals. Only in this dumb country do liberals and conservatives argue over things like "evolution" and "climate change" and whether "sick people should be left to die in the street."

The conservative who won in England, David Cameron, was asked if he's religious, and he said, "I don't feel I have a direct line." That's right, he distanced himself from God. If Obama did that we wouldn't see him again until neighbors called the cops about the smell. Conservatives in England don't care about the 3 Gs -- God, guns and gays -- that tilt so many elections in America. And they don't get their policy ideas from TV shows, like 24. You never hear a Brit say, "I'm for torture because it worked on The Avengers."

The Washington Post said David Cameron won by running as a sort of "anti-Sarah Palin." Let those words settle in: "anti-Sarah Palin." They feel so good coming out of my mouth it's like I bit into a refreshing burst of civilization.

Finally, one hallmark of not being adult is a tendency to exaggerate. Like this week when Newt Gingrich said "the Obama administration represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did." Which is basically saying Obama is a billion times worse than any president ever! No, he's infinity times worse!

And it made me think: were we this deranged when Bush was in office? I don't think so -- and Bush merited it: We once did a sketch on this show where we sold George Bush fuck-up collector plates, which included: starting and mismanaging the Iraq War, not catching Bin Laden, Katrina, Abu Ghraib, transforming a budgetary surplus into a giant debt, not doing anything about global warming, sitting on his ass on 9/11, outing Valerie Plame, firing federal prosecutors for political reasons, nominating Harriet Miers, Terri Schiavo, trying to sell the ports to the Arabs...I mean, giant, tangible horrific fuckups that Obama could never equal.

Although with the way he's solving this oil spill, he's off to a good start.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 21, 2010

2010-05-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 21, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 21st, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that liberal media stop quoting him in context.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rand Paul

Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A … Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They’re going to try what they call a “top kill.” That’s where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

General Electric is now recalling a million coffee makers because they, um, catch fire. Well, they said you have to admit that will wake you up and get you out of the house.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Gold has no intrinsic value. And if you’re really worried about, say inflation rising, I would by Spam. You know, you can eat Spam, you cannot eat gold.

- Economist Nouriel Roubini

New Rule: California, the state with the most debt and the most marijuana dispensaries must be allowed to avoid bankruptcy by selling weed to neighboring states. That's how we will get out of this budget crisis - by holding a "baked sale." It's the perfect solution. We needs the cash and Arizona needs to chill the f**k out.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Don’t put that in your mouth. A new study finds that dangerous drug-resistant staph infections in children have increased tenfold over the past decade. And for you little ones out there, the infection eats you alive and then you never see Mommy and Daddy again. And you get it from being on a plane and kicking the back of my seat.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Convenience stores can sell beer but they can’t make it. Yes, introducing 7-11’s own beer called Game Day, which can get you so drunk you might even buy one of those hot dogs that have been spinning since the Reagan administration.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Michael Eric Dyson, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, John Fund, Patton Oswalt and Nouriel Roubini

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 14, 2010

2010-05-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 14, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 14th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I Hope she’s a lesbian. The Court could use a lesbian.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding Elena Kagan

She apparently was so motivated to be on the Supreme Court that there are pictures of her in her high school yearbook wearing judge’s robes. I mean, there are some people who say it's weird to know what you want that early in life. I disagree. Because there are pictures of me in my high school yearbook where I am completely high.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding Elena Kagan

He said, "I have not engaged in any homosexual behavior whatsoever.” But you know what dude, when you go to a website called RentBoy.com, which he did, and that website says, "For the tightest asses on the internet, click here" - and then you click there – I think that's homosexual behavior.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding George Rekers

They passed a bill … banning public schools now from offering any courses in ethnic studies. It’s funny, you know, they never say they’re targeting Mexicans specifically, but I think we get that idea. Today they passed a bill that said beans can only be fried once.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding Arizona

We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet over-flowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she’s going to throw her jewelry at it.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the oil spill

The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Just in time for Christmas, the queen of “Drill Baby Drill,” Sarah Palin, has a new book out. It was announced this week. It’s called, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag. And for Sarah, that’s two books in two years, or as she calls it, her trilogy.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

New Rule: Stop acting like six dead dolphins washing up on the Gulf Coast is some sort of mystery. Wildlife officials say it's "unclear" what happened to the dolphins. Yeah, one minute they were swimming through a humongous petrochemical spill, and the next minute just gone. Maybe it was a suicide pact. Or they were all riding in a Toyota. Maybe they swam too close to Haiti and Sean Penn killed them for taking his picture.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Stop calling disasters with a single survivor a "miracle." When 103 people die, but one lives, that's not a miracle. That's God blowing a no-hitter in the bottom of the ninth.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Sebastian Junger, Rep. Darrel Issa, S.E. Cupp, John Avlon and Mayor Cory Booker.

New Rule: This Mother's Day, Americans Must Extend a Special Thanks to Their Nannies

2010-05-08T00:37:00.000-07:00

New Rule: This Mother's Day, all Americans must pause and extend a special thanks to the women who maintain our homes, who take care of our kids, and who still make time for sex with Dad. I'm talking, of course, about our nannies. Lost in this whole immigration debate is why Americans want to be so harsh on the people who, in so many and varied ways, enable them to sit on their fat asses. Nannies, valet parkers, gardeners, all the people who do the things we're a little too busy or important to do. There are plenty of people to be mad at our there -- the jerks at Goldman Sachs, the idiots at BP, the guy who charged you fifty bucks for these tickets -- why set our crosshairs on the humble, servile people?

I'll tell you why. Because we're bullies. Instead of confronting real threats, like the debt or the environment or Utah, we pick out the poorest, most defenseless kid on the block -- illegal immigrants -- and say, "What are you looking at?" But I'll tell you something, you anti-immigrant hoopies -- as usual you're mad at the wrong people. It was corporate America that busted your unions and didn't keep your pay up to the cost of living, causing your wife to have to go to work and Esmeralda to have to come in to watch the kids. Your problem is low wages, not low riders. A middle class life can now only be maintained with the presence of an underpaid underclass. In the 1940s, fewer than one in five moms worked outside the home. Ironically, mostly in bomber factories, to beat Nazi Germany, a place, like Arizona, where you always had to show your papers. I kid, that's an unfair comparison. The Germans knew how to dress.

All this anger that we see aimed at the Mexican underclass might be more understandable if illegals came here with a bad attitude and sent the crime rate soaring -- but they don't. The Justice Department says violent crime in Arizona is at its lowest point since 1971. Property crime is at its lowest since 1966. There is no problem. There's only dicks and the politicians who pander to them.

I know this is anecdotal, but I've hired several immigrant housekeepers -- legal immigrants, I might add, in case anyone at the White House is considering me for a Cabinet position -- and they've all done great work. Especially on my monologue. While the one American-born Caucasian guy I hired to do some handyman work stole my tools. You know who you are, Stephen Baldwin.

And when I drive home every day and see maids trudging up a steep hill to the mansions where they work, and I offer them a ride, I'm astounded: they never refuse, because they're so exhausted that they'll accept a ride from a mysterious gringo blasting rap music, even though that's the beginning of every slasher movie ever. You know, neighbors, you're trusting these women to clean your homes, feed your pets, and give your kids their daily dose of Ritalin -- the least you can do is not make them walk up the hill.

Some time in the distant future, brown people are probably going to -- and I say this without judgment -- breed their way to power in both Europe and America. Arab populations are growing in countries like France and Holland, and I think we all see where this Mexican thing is going in America. That's right, because they fuck more, the darker skinned people are going to rule the world, and white people, for their own self-preservation, should get a start on being nice to them now! Nice! Just be nice, to the poor and desperate people who change our Depends and cook our food, hopefully not in that order.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 7, 2010

2010-05-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 7, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 7th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I have to get to this first. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not the most important story of the week, it’s just the one I like the best. … George Rekers, the co-founder of a far-Right Christian group called the Family Research Council, sounds very scientific. It’s not. This man devoted his life to curing homosexuality. And you know, people have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re definitely gay! They are 100% sausage-smoking, Barbara Streisand-loving, Project Runway-ready gay.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Mr. George Rekers was caught this week on a European vacation with a 20 year-old male hooker. And his excuse, the first excuse, was that he needed someone to carry his luggage. … Rekers said he could have just bought one of those rolling suitcases, but they look so gay.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, “No, we have nothing to do with him.” … The Taliban said, “The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.”

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the attempted bombing in Times Square

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks, still safer than a Toyota.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

When you have nothing to lose, it’s probably the best situation to be in for a comedian. I think that, you know, being sent to sleep-away camp ever since you’re six and just wetting the bed every night is so humiliating that, I mean it’s not the holocaust, but it’s probably, it’s second worst.

- Sarah Silverman

You’re show on the holocaust was very funny. And I’ve never used that sentence before.

- Bill Maher to Sarah Silverman

I think that I would like to adopt a mentally retarded baby … When you do something like that, you don’t just do something like that. You have to be very honest with yourself and even accept the ugliest thoughts. For instance, one caveat of adopting a mentally challenged baby might be, best case scenario, you die at 100 of old age, you’re worried about who’s going to take care of your elderly, mentally handicapped child. So I found a solution for me, that works for me. I am going to adopt a mentally retarded baby with a terminal illness.

- Sarah Silverman

New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, “We will not be terrorized,” he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we’re Americans, of course we’re terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Hollywood needs a new coroner. When Brittany Murphy and Corey Haim are ruled to have died from “natural causes”, and Michael Jackson’s autopsy report says he was in “good health”, it’s time to stop using Dr. Whitney Houston.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Salman Rushdie, Alexis Glick, David Frum, Alan Brinkley and Sarah Silverman.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - APR. 30, 2010

2010-05-01T04:56:00.000-07:00

Friday, April 30, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, April 30th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue regarding the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico

This is the plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they’re going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

It was just a crappy week for America. The oil spill making a huge mess, and Arizona deporting all the people who mop up.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

And finally New Rule: Although America likes to think it’s #1, we have to admit we’re behind the developing world in at least one thing: Their religious wackos are a lot more wacko than ours. When “South Park” got threatened last week by Islamists incensed at their depiction of Mohammed, it served—or should—as a reminder to all of us that our culture isn’t just different than one that makes death threats to cartoonists. It’s better.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, “Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.”

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

For centuries, you either joined the church or you were killed. Nowadays when a Jehovah’s Witness comes to the door, you turn the garden hose on them.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Chris Matthews, Laura Tyson, Ross Douthat, Congressman Anthony Weiner and John Bolton.

New Rule: You Can't Use "There Will Be No Cooperation for the Rest of the Year"...

2010-03-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

New Rule: You can't use the statement "there will be no cooperation for the rest of the year" as a threat if there was no cooperation in the first half of the year. Here's a word the president should take out of his teleprompter: bipartisanship. People only care about that in theory, not in practice. The best thing that's happened this year is when President Obama finally realized this and said, "Kiss my black ass, we're going it alone, George W. Bush style."

Two months ago, conservative Fred Barnes wrote, "The health care bill is dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection." Well, if it's dead, you just got your ass kicked by a zombie named Nancy Pelosi. Seriously, the last time a Democrat showed balls like that John Edwards' girlfriend was filming it. Make all the botox jokes and she-shops-too-much jokes you want, but this is the biggest political victory a woman has ever achieved in America. Yes, Nancy Pelosi likes nice clothes. So does Sarah Palin. The difference is Nancy Pelosi pays for hers.

But even before the Democrats got to take a single victory lap they were already being warned not to get used to the feeling, and not to get drunk with power. I disagree. All you Democrats: do a shot, and then do another. Get drunk on this feeling of not backing down and doing what you came to Washington to do.

Democrats should not listen to the people who are now saying they shouldn't attempt anything else big for a while because health care was such a bruising battle. Wrong -- because I learned something watching the lying bullies of the Right lose this one: when they're losing, they squeal like a pig. They kept saying things like, the bill was being "shoved down our throats" or the Democrats were "ramming it through." The bill was so big they couldn't take it all at once!

And I realized listening to this rhetoric that it reminded me of something: Tiger Woods' text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said, and I quote, "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I fuck that ass that I own. Then I'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise." Unquote.

And this, I believe, perfectly represents the attitude Democrats should now have in their dealings with the Republican Party: "Shut the fuck up while I slap your face for making noise -- now pass a cap-and-trade law, you stupid bitch, and repeat after me: 'global warming is real!'"

The Democrats need to push the rest of their agenda while their boot is on the neck of the greedy, poisonous old reptile. Who cares if a cap-and-trade bill isn't popular, neither was health care. Your poll numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles.

So don't stop: we need to regulate the banks, we need to overhaul immigration, we need to end corporate welfare including at the Pentagon, we need to bring troops home from... everywhere, we need to end the drug war, and we need to put terrorists and other human rights violators on trial in civilian courts, starting with Dick Cheney.

Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th -- and by passing health care, the Democrats saved their brand. A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them, "How's that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?" Great, actually. Thanks for asking. And how's that whole Hooked on Phonics thing working out for you?

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 26, 2010

2010-03-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

Friday, March 26, 2010

QUOTES FROM REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, March 26th, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I feel like Im watching a John Hughes movie where the nerdy kids miraculously defeat the rich a**holes in the Izod shirts, starring Ally Sheedy as Nancy Pelosi and James Spader as Glenn Beck.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week was one Giant kid screaming in the cereal aisle tantrum. From the Right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Theres a Democratic Congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think thats creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the DemocratsIm sure you heard about thisthey put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The Pope heard this, he said, You can convict a sex offender?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

A Vatican official was asked that this week if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, Thats ridiculous, you cant marry an eight-year-old.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

And finally, I love this: People will know this here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection, it will actually be on the ballot we will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes we will be allowed to growlisten to thisyou can grow marijuana in the backyard of your house. Not a lot, just enough to stave off foreclosure.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher referring to John McCain

What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic. This was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean the insults, the threats, the Armageddon. Whats Armageddon about giving 32 million people healthcare?
- Randi Weingarten

It used to be the Big Business Party. Thats a Republican. Then it got taken over by Jesus. And now they just seem like The Angry White People Party.
- Bill Maher

Removing Thomas Jefferson is like writing Moses out of the Bible.
- Randi Weingarten, referring to Texas changing school books

New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesnt make you a bad guy. It makes you a great friend. Cardinal Ratzinger lost the paperwork on a guy who raped 200 deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move. But lets put Popes in perspectiveJohn the Seventh drank toasts to Satan. Paul the Fifth condemned Galileo. Alexander the Sixth had a son with his daughter. All the current Pope does is not see anything. Hes not the anti-Christ, hes just Sergeant Schultz.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said hed leave the country if Democrats passed health care reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed health care reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, hed just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

This week's guests were Rob Thomas, Randi Weingarten, Jonathan Capehart, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Hitchens

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 19, 2010

2010-03-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

Friday, March 19, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

The Democrats need 216. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote

People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote

There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

At a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, someone got on the PA system and said, “Attention shoppers: All black people must leave the store.” Now, a Wal-Mart spokesman said this is the fault of an employee who completely misunderstood the term “white sale.” … On the bright side, it did stop Tiger Woods from hitting on the check-out girl.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi’s new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me A) his music is as relevant as ever and B) that baby boomers still haven’t figured out how to steal music off the Internet.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Israel has to stop being mad at Obama because he won’t plan a visit. Hey, we’re your ally, not your grandchildren. Calm down and give it a rest, or you’ll get Biden again.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

True Love is like a salesman at Home Depot. It only comes along once or twice in a lifetime so you’ve gotta grab it.

- Bill Maher

This week's guests were Gavin Newsom, Steve Moore, Melinda Henneberger, Emile Hirsch, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich.

New Rule: Let's Not Fire the Teachers When Students Don't Learn -- Let's Fire the Parents

2010-03-12T23:10:00.000-08:00

New Rule: Let's not fire the teachers when students don't learn - let's fire the parents. Last week President Obama defended the firing of every single teacher in a struggling high school in a poor Rhode Island neighborhood. And the kids were outraged. They said, "Why blame our teachers?" and "Who's President Obama?" I think it was Whitney Houston who said, "I believe that children are our future - teach them well and let them lead the way." And that's the last sound piece of educational advice this country has gotten - from a crack head in the '80's.

Yes, America has found its new boogeyman to blame for our crumbling educational system. It's just too easy to blame the teachers, what with their cushy teachers' lounges, their fat-cat salaries, and their absolute authority in deciding who gets a hall pass. We all remember high school - canning the entire faculty is a nationwide revenge fantasy. Take that, Mrs. Crabtree! And guess what? We're chewing gum and no, we didn't bring enough for everybody.

But isn't it convenient that once again it turns out that the problem isn't us, and the fix is something that doesn't require us to change our behavior or spend any money. It's so simple: Fire the bad teachers, hire good ones from some undisclosed location, and hey, while we're at it let's cut taxes more. It's the kind of comprehensive educational solution that could only come from a completely ignorant people.

Firing all the teachers may feel good - we're Americans, kicking people when they're down is what we do - but it's not really their fault. Now, undeniably, there are some bad teachers out there. They don't know the material, they don't make things interesting, they have sex with the same kid every day instead of spreading the love around... But every school has crappy teachers. Yale has crappy teachers - they must, they gave us George Bush.

According to all the studies, it doesn't matter what teachers do. Although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents do. The number one predictor of a child's academic success is parental involvement. It doesn't even matter if your kid goes to private or public school. So save the twenty grand a year and treat yourself to a nice vacation away from the little bastards.

It's also been proven that just having books in the house makes a huge difference in a child's development. If your home is adorned with nothing but Hummel dolls, DVD's, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you've just given your children the gift of Duh. Sarah Palin said recently she wrote on her hand because her father used to do it. I rest my case.

When there are no books in the house, and there are no parents in the house, you know who raises the kids? That's right, the television. Kids aren't keeping up with their studies; they're keeping up with the Kardashians. We're allowing the television, as babysitter, to turn us into a nation of slutty idiots. By the way, one sign your 9-year-old may be watching too much One Tree Hill: if she has an imaginary friend with benefits.

New Rule: Stop Saying "Sex Addict" Like It's a Bad Thing

2010-02-27T01:08:00.000-08:00

New Rule: Stop saying "sex addict" like it's bad thing. In the wake of Tiger Woods' heartfelt apology that he gave to his fans, his friends, his foundation - and just to be safe, Elizabeth Edwards - the media has been interviewing sex addicts: on CNN one addict said, "The day Mount Saint Helens blew up, everyone was talking about it. But I didn't even know it happened because I was having sex all that day." Oh, the humanity! Please get this man some professional help soon, before he has a hot three-way and completely misses a tornado.

Now, I haven't commented on Tiger Woods much because, well, he's just a golfer and it took me this long to give a shit. But all this talk about sex addiction now - please - sex addiction is just something Dr. Drew made up because he had no other way to explain Andy Dick. And that's not just me saying that - it's also the American Psychiatric Association, which does not list sex addiction in its manual; it does not regard it as a real psychological syndrome, like delirium or bipolar disorder or any of the other things Glenn Beck suffers from.

You want to know the surest way that you can spot a "sex addict?" He's got a penis. That's why Tiger was having sex with more women than even a black celebrity needs to have sex with, and thereby threatening to unbalance the delicate ecosystem of playas and ho's.

But before Tiger moves on there's one more apology he really should make, and that's to Buddha, for dragging him into this mess and proving once again, that whenever something unspeakably tawdry, loathsome and cheap happens, just wait a few days. Religion will make it worse.

Now usually, when famous cheaters are looking for public redemption, they go to Jesus, but Tiger went old school, and claimed that sleeping with 2/3 of the waitresses in America had made him a failure as a Buddhist. He said Buddhism teaches you the way to inner peace is letting go of desire - and if that doesn't sound like marriage, I don't know what does.

Personally, if I was a golfer, I'd go with Jesus - because he's a Trinity, so when you walk with him, you've got a foursome. Christianity is for rubes. Buddhism is for actors.

And it really is outdated in some ways - the "Life sucks, and then you die" philosophy was useful when Buddha came up with it around 500 B.C., because back then life pretty much sucked, and then you died - but now we have medicine, and plenty of food, and iPhones, and James Cameron movies - our life isn't all about suffering anymore. And when we do suffer, instead of accepting it we try to alleviate it.

Tiger said, "Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves" makes us unhappy, which confirms something I've long suspected about Eastern religions: they're a crock, too.

Craving for things outside ourselves is what makes life life - I don't want to learn to not want, that's what people in prison have to do. Buddhism teaches suffering is inevitable. The only thing that's inevitable is that if you have fake boobs and hair extensions, Tiger Woods will try to fuck you.

And reincarnation? Really? If that were real, wouldn't there be some proof by now? A raccoon spelling out in acorns, "My name is Herb Zoller and I'm an accountant." ...something?

People are always debating, is Buddhism a religion or a philosophy: it's a religion. You're a religion if you do something as weird as when the Buddhist monks scrutinize two-year-olds to find the reincarnation of the dude who just died, and then choose one of the toddlers as the sacred Lama: "His poop is royal!" Sorry, but thinking you can look at a babbling, barely-housebroken, uneducated being and say, "That's our leader" doesn't make you enlightened. It makes you a Sarah Palin supporter.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - FEB 26, 2010

2010-02-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

Friday, February 26, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, February 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Being politicians you know, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother’s battle with cancer. And Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Obama’s like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Obama reaching out to Republicans

Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart…

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Bush’s visit with Cheney

The games were fun, but there were some high-profile mistakes, come on. Admit it. Like the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Also in the category of obvious but still shocking, an animal called a killer whale killed someone who was trying to play with it. Now, no one knows exactly what enraged the whale, but earlier in the week, it had been thrown off a flight by Southwest Airlines.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

The United States, rather than simply try to talk to these guys who now run Iran, we ought to be looking for ways to strengthen the green movement, the opposition in the streets of Iran, to see if we can’t help bring about a change in politics in that country.

- Richard Haass, President of the Council on Foreign Relations

What I thought was good about the summit was it made clear that there is a real ideological difference. And if Obama believes in healthcare reform he should push it through. He has a majority. He doesn’t need the Republicans to support him.

- Chrystia Freeland, US Managing Editor of The Financial Times

Nobody wants to pay for somebody else.

- Chris Rock, regarding resistance to healthcare reform

If you look at gun violence, the big problem is the war on drugs, in my opinion. I think as long as you criminalize a behavior that tons of folks are involved in, you know, you basically create this huge spiral of crime.

- Reihan Salam, co-author of "Grand New Party" and a columnist at The Daily Beast

The NRA, these are the same guys that are all worried about big government and your rights and your right to thrive and live and everything else. But it you or I grew a pot plant on our property, they’d want it seized by the government n… and to me, that’s just hypocritical.

- Adam Carolla

New Rule: Don’t bring wine to my dinner party. Because then if you drink it, it’s not really a gift, is it? But if I choose a different wine, you’re thinking, “What the hell’s wrong with the bottle I brought?” And when you bring wine and then say, “I don’t drink,” what kind of condescending crap is that? Your cute little gift is such a minefield of potential awkwardness; thank God I’m already high.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Saying “Hey, it was the ‘80s” is not an excuse. This week the New York Times broke the news that when Senator Scott Brown went on a first date with his wife, he was wearing pink leather shorts. Let me repeat that: He was wearing pink leather shorts, because, “It was the 80s.” Scott, I remember the 80’s, and one man wore that outfit. So congratulations, tea-baggers, you just elected Richard Simmons.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Chrystia Freeland, Reihan Salam, Olivia Wilde, Adam Carolla, and Richard Haass, with a special surprise appearance by Chris Rock.

USTREAM.TV

2010-02-23T18:10:00.001-08:00

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - FEB 19, 2010

2010-02-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

Friday, February 19, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, February 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The reason that we aren’t changing things right now is that the banks have lobbyists in Washington in numbers I’ve never seen.

- Elizabeth Warren, Chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel on TARP

The party out of power believes that they can get back into power by running against government and being the party of “no”.

- Norah O’Donnell

Fundamental reform doesn’t come from bipartisanship. And it seems to me, bipartisanship has become appeasement. Barack Obama won an election based on a set of principles. Fight for them.

- Eliot Spitzer

Any Republican who wants to filibuster now should be required to stand up and read aloud from Twilight.

- Seth MacFarlane

We’ve had our fair share of Bush jokes.

- Seth MacFarlane in response to Bill’s comment that he’s been making fun of the retarded for years

It’s not going to make the military soft or anything. I mean, they’re soldiers. We’re talking, yea, they’re gay, but we’re not talking Ru Paul, Elton John gay, we’re talking “Brokeback Mountain” gay.

- Wanda Sykes regarding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

New Rule: Just because you can get pregnant, doesn’t mean you must get pregnant. The pregnant man is pregnant for a third time. You know, if you have a beard and a mustache and you have a baby every ten months you’re not a pregnant man, you’re an Italian woman.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Stop calling “The Tea Party” phenomenon a “Movement”. To be a real political movement, you have to, well, move toward some specific legislative goal. The Suffrage Movement, for example, gained voting rights for women, the Civil Rights Movement outlawed discrimination against blacks, and the Gay Rights Movement brought us the Winter Olympics.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Eliot Spitzer, Seth MacFarlane, Norah O’Donnell, Wanda Sykes and Elizabeth Warren.

To Pass Health Care, Democrats Should Be Against It

2010-01-31T15:51:00.000-08:00

President Obama made a point the other day in speaking at the Republican retreat to say he wasn't an ideologue, and while there was skepticism in his audience about whether that was true, there was agreement in both parties that not being an ideologue is a good thing.

Is it? Maybe the problem is that neither party has any ideology anymore -- its just all about getting the money you need to run commercials at election time, and being against whatever the other party is for. For example, why is the decision to have the trial of Khalid "Shake Shake Shake" Mohammed in New York a Democratic position, and not having it in New York a Republican position? Republicans are usually the 24 loving macho warriors. Isn't it the more macho position to be saying, "Damn right we're going to try them at the scene of the crime! We're going to make that bastard look at Ground Zero right out the window of the courtroom every day -- we're going to stick his nose in it like a dog who's made a mess on the rug: 'Look what you did! Bad dog! Bad!!'"? I can much more easily imagine Bill O'Reilly making that case than Obama.

And yet, because its the Democrats who suggested it, the Republicans automatically piss all over it and find themselves backing the opposite approach, then make up a bunch of stupid reasons why: it'll fuck up traffic in Manhattan; it'll be a platform for Mohammed to "mock" us.

Really? The big tough guys are afraid of this loser mocking us?

Blue team says X, Red team says Y. You know how the Democrats can get health care passed? Say they're against it.

Vaccination: A Conversation Worth Having

2009-11-15T18:36:00.000-08:00

While America is still in the grips of swine flu mania, let me use this opportunity to clear up a few things about my beliefs concerning the flu shot, vaccines, and health in general. I do this because there is obviously a lot of curiosity about this subject of vaccines -- it comes up in every interview I do these days, and I've been finding that people, including doctors, are privately expressing a skepticism that is still not very prevalent in public. I feel like I've become a confessor for people who want someone to be raising questions about vaccines.

But I don't want the job. I agree with my critics who say there are far more qualified people than me -- its just that mainstream media rarely interviews doctors and scientists who present an alternative point of view. There is a movement to stop people from asking any questions about vaccines -- they're a miracle, that's it, debate over. I don't think its that simple, and neither do millions of other people. The British Medical Journal from August 25 says half the doctors and medical workers in the U.K. are not taking the flu shot -- are they all crazy too? Sixty-five percent of French people don't want it. Maybe its not as simple as the medical establishment wants to paint it.

Vaccination is a nuanced subject, and I've never said all vaccines in all situations are bad. The point I am representing is: Is getting frequent vaccinations for any and all viruses consequence-free? I feel its unnecessary and counterproductive to try and silence people with condescension. Michael Shermer wrote me an open letter and felt I needed to be told that "vaccinations work by tricking the body's immune system into thinking that it has already had the disease for which the vaccination was given." Thanks, Doc, I thought there might be a little man inside the needle. Yes, I read Microbe Hunters when I was eight, I have a basic idea how vaccines work.

That's not -- or shouldn't be -- where the debate is. I admit, its hard to get as clear a picture of my beliefs, as you could, say, if I had written a book on vaccines, versus someone in the setting of a talk show. So I understand why its easy to take bits of things I have said and extrapolate into something I actually have never said. I understand it, but its not exactly "scientific."

But rather than responding to every absurd thing said, let me just tell you want I do think -- because I will admit, I have gone off half cocked on this issue sometimes, and often only had time on my show to explain a fraction of what needed to be explained, and for that I am sorry. Some of it can't be helped, some of that is the nature of the show we do: live, off the cuff, lots of interruptions. Some of it was just from me being overexcited about finally finding a health regimen that actually made me healthier and feel better. And many a time I have wanted to stop the show and clarify a point or provide the nuance I think it deserves, but I am serving many masters, and you have to get out of the way as much as you can so the guests can say their piece.

But some of it I would do differently. For example, I recently joined Twitter Nation -- what can I say, Demi Moore is a very convincing salesperson -- and what everybody told me about Twitter was that it was supposed to be whatever stray thought or thing just happened to you -- you know, for people who find blogging too formal and stuffy.

But apparently it's taken very seriously, because there was Scott Pelley on 60 Minutes asking the Secretary of Health and Human Services what she thought about the fact that "Bill Maher told his viewers anyone who gets a flu shot is an idiot."

Well, not quite. It was twittered, which I guess doesn't make a huge difference, but as 60 Minutes is the last bastion of TV journalism, accuracy is appreciated. And I see that counts for Twitter, too -- my bad -- so yes, some people are not idiotic to get a flu shot. They're idiotic if they don't investigate the pros and cons of getting a flu shot. But, come on -- it was a twitter from a comedian, not a treatise in the New England Journal of Medicine, that's not what I do.

I'm just trying to represent an under-reported medical point of view in this country, I'm not telling a specific pregnant lady what to do. With unlimited air time, I would have, for example, added to my discussion with Dr. Bill Frist on October 2 that, yes, any flu or health challenge can be dangerous when you're pregnant, and if your immune system is already compromised by, for example, eating a typical American diet, then a flu shot can make sense. But someone needs to be representing the point of view that says the preferred way to handle flus is to have a strong immune system to begin with, and getting lots of vaccines might not be the best way to accomplish that over the long haul.

Now, sometimes its OK to fuck with nature -- I believe "intelligent design" is often anything but intelligent; that "God's perfect universe" is actually full of fuck ups and design flaws, like cleft lips and Down Syndrome -- so correcting nature is sometimes the right thing to do. And then, sometimes its not. For me, the flu shot is in the "not" category.

In addition, my audience is bright, they wouldn't refuse a flu shot because they heard me talk about it, but if they looked into the subject a little more, how is that a bad thing? If they went to the CDC Web site and saw what's in the vaccine -- the formaldehyde, the insect repellent, the mercury -- shouldn't they at least get to have the information for themselves?

But just to reassure all those people who have such a romantic attachment to vaccines: I know, there are vaccines that have had their battles with the bad guys and won -- great! And if you have a compromised immune system and can't boost it naturally, as in poor countries where the children are eating dirt, then a vaccine can be a white knight -- bravo! Does the polio vaccine have the power to prevent children from getting polio, and did it indeed do just that in the 1950s? I believe it does, and it did. But polio had diminished by over 50 percent in the thirty years before the vaccine -- that's a pretty big fact in the polio story that you don't often hear and which merits debate. It may be the case that the vaccine should have been used anyway to finish polio off, but there are some interesting facts on the other side.

So yes, I get it, we learned how to trick our immune systems. And maybe sometimes, you gotta do it. But maybe the immune system doesn't like being tricked so many times. Maybe we should be studying that instead of shouting down debate.

Someone who speaks eloquently about this is Barbara Loe Fisher, founder of the National Vaccine Information Center. I find her extremely credible, as I do Dr. Russell Blaylock, Dr. Jay Gordon and many others, but I shouldn't have even mentioned them because I don't want to be "the Vaccine Guy"!! Look it up yourself, and stop asking me about it -- I'm already the Religion Guy, and that's enough work!

Anyway, Ms. Fisher is someone who says she is not "anti-vaccine," but just has a lot of questions about the long term effect of using a lot of vaccines. After devoting her life to studying this, she says that the influenza vaccine studies that have been done "are not persuasive in proving that a seasonal flu shot provides immunity." She also points out "that what we need, but do not yet have, are studies of vaccinated vs unvaccinated children."

Is it worth it to get vaccines for every bug that goes around? Injecting something into my bloodstream? I'd like to reserve that for emergencies. This is the flu, and there's always a flu. I've said it before, America is a panicky country. It's like we look for things to panic about.The reports from Australia, where they're over their flu season, is that its not a terribly virulent flu. The worldwide numbers support that. But you'd never get that impression from the media in this country.

60 Minutes has done two pieces on swine flu within a month. The first one introduced us to a high school football player named Luke Duvall who, we were told, was the picture of health, and then got hit by the flu so bad he was in the hospital at death's door. But later in the segment we learn that Luke had staphylococcus pneumonia along with the flu. Was that staph bug in him when he got hit by the flu? Its not clear from the reporting, but since every other kid on both football teams got the flu, as well as the cheerleaders ... ahem ... and all of them got over it just fine, then it seems quite possible that Luke had a co-existing infection, and that's why his experience with H1N1 was so different.

On the follow up visit a couple of weeks later on 60 Minutes, we were told Luke had "beaten H1N1." No, he beat H1N1 and staph together: that's very different! If 99 percent of people have relatively mild symptoms, shouldn't science's first job be finding out why the one percent get felled? Having an underlying health issue is the point I was raising with Dr. Frist: maybe Luke wasn't the picture of perfect health they described in the opening.

By the way, when Scott Pelley asked the government spokesman about the fact that only one percent of people who get the flu find it to be anything other than a typical, mild flu, the answer was an analogy to seatbelts, that "only 1 percent of people riding in a car will be in an accident, but you don't want to take a chance on being that 1 percent."

That went unchallenged, which is sad, because what a horrible analogy! I would think vaccines containing many different dicey substances shot directly into the bloodstream have a slightly greater chance of secondary effects than a piece of fabric lying across your waist. Maybe if you had to swallow the seatbelt this would be a good analogy.

If one side can say anything and its not challenged, then of course dissent becomes heresy in the minds of many. I don't trust the mainstream media to be thorough or exacting enough to inform me as much as I need on this subject. Sorry, they're just not up to it. At the very least, they should have pointed out, as we watched Luke fighting for life on a ventilator, that, of course, flu vaccines don't have any therapeutic effect on bacterial infection.

While we're on the subject of bacteria, let me say clearly I understand germ theory also -- I believe they also covered that in Microbe Hunters -- nor have I ever said I was a "germ theory denier." What I've been saying is that Western medicine ignores too much the fact that the terrain in which bacteria can thrive is crucial and often controllable, which shouldn't even be controversial. I don't care what Louis Pasteur said on his death bed -- it was probably, "Either the curtains go or I do" -- that's not the point!

And it's precisely because I am a Darwinist that I fear the overuse of antibiotics, since that is what has allowed nasty killer bugs like MRE to adapt so effectively that they are often resistant to any antibiotic we can throw at it. There are consequences to vaccines and antibiotics. Some people want to study that, and some, it seems, want to call off the debate.

Instead of setting up this straw man of me not understanding germs or viruses, let's have a real debate about how much we should use vaccines and antibiotics. Of course it's good that we have them in our arsenal, but isn't the real skeptic the one who asks if these powerful but toxic methods do harm to what actually is a a very good defensive system, the one you were born with?

Also, I have never said there was a medical conspiracy. In fact, when Howard Dean asked me that, my response was "I wouldn't call it a conspiracy." Any more than there's a conspiracy for the Pentagon budget to be obscenely bloated and operated largely for the corporate welfare of defense contractors. If these are conspiracies, they're mostly legal ones that happen in plain sight. (Good time here to plug the hostess' book, Pigs At the Trough, it's all in there!) I have, in fact, used the phrase "medical-pharmaceutical-food industry" complex in comparing it to Eisenhower's famous depiction of a "military-industrial complex."

But no, I don't think the A.M.A. and Big Pharma and Aetna and Dr. Frist's hospital chain all meet in a board room and cackle about keeping us sick. They meet on the golf course. (Just kidding.)

Do pharmaceutical companies want to cure diabetes or do they want to sell diabetes drugs and equipment? Well, they sure do sell a lot these days, and the food companies are what make that possible. Read David Kessler's book about the deliberate way food companies use salt, fat and sugar as foodcrack to get people literally addicted to eating bad food and too much of it. Is that a conspiracy? Only if you define corporations putting profit ahead of human health as conspiracy. The fact that Americans will do anything to each other for money is not a conspiracy, it's a scandal.

I believe in science and I believe in studies to determine the truth. I also believe Senator Ron Wyden of Oregon was correct when he said recently on MSNBC: "If you've got a checkbook in this town, you can get just about any set of facts you want." So if I remind you of a conspiracy theorist, you sometimes remind me of Britney Spears when she said "we should just do whatever the president says to do, and not ask questions and just support him." The medical community can be brutal on dissent, which would hold more weight if I thought this was a terribly healthy country, which it isn't. Health care is one sixth of our economy, and we spend way more on it than any other nation. The elephant in the room of the health care debate is that we are going to have a high health care bill every year no matter what law they pass because we're sick -- we need a lot of drugs and services.

Am I a conspiracy theorist if I suggest that since the network's nightly news broadcasts are sponsored almost entirely by prescription drug ads, that you might have to hold your breath a long time before you hear the alternative point of view to using pharmaceuticals to cure all our ailments?

Is it conspiracy theory to believe that American medicine too much treats symptoms and not root causes of disease? I always ask my friends when they go to the doctor for something, "Did your doctor ask you what you eat?" The answer is almost always 'no,' and a lot can be cured with diet and a healthier lifestyle. (And a lot can't. I also understand the role of genetics and generations of artificial selection). But Americans don't want to hear that, so doctors don't push it. It's easier and more profitable to write a prescription for Lipitor. They're not bad people, and at the end of the day, you can't make someone eat right. I like and respect all the M.D.s I've had over the years, and for the record, I have a naturopath doctor and I have a Western doctor. I would make an analogy to Republicans and Democrats: in both politics and health, I don't commit to either party because I'm on the side of the truth, whoever has it. In both cases, I'm an Independent.

Ms. Fisher said "If we want to create a society that is dependent on shots for immunity -- the same way we are getting dependent on prescription drugs, antibiotics, and surgery -- this is the path we should keep going down."

I don't think its "anti-science" to pause and consider that point of view.

Is This as Good as It Gets From Obama?

2009-11-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm disappointed, too. I thought we were sweeping into power; I thought change meant Change. I believed all that talk about another First 100 Days, a la Roosevelt. Well, that didn't happen. The question is, is this as good as it gets from Obama, or is he pacing himself? He may have a four and eight-year plan and they included a first year of just gettin' to know you and not gonna rock the boat too much. Well, Mission Accomplished on that.

It's still to early to lose hope in a guy as smart and talented as Barack Obama. But I would counsel him to remember: If you're going undercover to infiltrate how Washington works, so you become one of them for a while, to gain their confidence, well, it can be just like all those movies where a cop goes deep, deep, DEEP undercover with drug people and -- fuck, he's a drug addict, too!

Logic tells me that really smart guys like Obama and Rahm Emanuel know better what they're doing than I do. They certainly know things I don't know. I think we have the same general goals and beliefs. And this is what they do for a living -- I wouldn't even try it. But I will never stop having this doubt: that maybe if they had really charged in there riding the forceful energy of the historic election, and acted like it was an emergency moment -- which it was -- they could have gotten some big victories right up front, and there really could have been an historic "first hundred days" for this administration and the country. Instead of what happened, which is the Obamas got a dog. It could have worked -- the country had given its endorsement to "...and now for something completely different." There might have been a way to knock the Republicans back on their heels right away, with the argument that "The American people demanded we make these changes, and you are unpatriotic to stand in their way."

We'll never know. Because that moment passed, and now it could follow the pattern of World War I and devolve into boring, static trench warfare where nothing really game changing happens while both sides slowly bleed to death.

That said, I do not forget that if the election had gone the other way, we'd right now have a barter economy and be at war with Honduras.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - OCT 2, 2009

2009-10-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 2, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, October 2nd, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I know why you’re happy tonight. Because, you know what, after all these months of seeing these tea-baggers hold up signs of Obama with the Hitler moustache painted on, we have proof now that Obama isn’t Hitler. Cause when Hitler tried to get the Olympics, he got it.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Let’s be big about it. Congratulations to the citizens of Rio de Janeiro. They spent all day today partying, doing the samba in the streets with the breasts hanging out. And then they heard about the Olympics and they were even more thrilled.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

You can’t blame the progressives for being mad at the Democrats. I mean, they seem to always start with the compromise. If they were writing the Hippocratic Oath, they would start with, “First, OK, do a little harm.”

- Bill Maher

There are, at least half of America, who thinks the world was created by a man in a cloud in six days, who then needed to rest. I love that. He’s so powerful he can create the universe, but then he’s pooped.

- Bill Maher

One of the main principals of Darwinian Theory is plenty of variations for natural selection to work on. And there’s sure enough, there are plenty of variations in brain power. All the way from Einstein on the one hand, to Sarah Palin on the other.

- Richard Dawkins

Eighteen percent of the British people think it takes one month for the earth to orbit the sun … And twenty-eight percent of the British people think humans walked with the dinosaurs. Twenty-eight percent of the British people get their science from “The Flintstones.”

- Richard Dawkins

New Rule: Froot Loops are not a health food. Some of the big food companies have started giving their products “Smart Choice” check marks so shoppers will know they’re “healthful.” You know, like a creep in the park will carry a puppy, so kids will know he’s “friendly.” Healthful? Froot Loops? When I saw this, I threw a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Shut up, grandpa. This week ancient pop singer Andy Williams announced that he thinks Obama is a “Marxist” who “wants the country to fail.” And then he made Moon River in his diapers. Actually, it’s not shocking that Andy Williams says Obama is a communist. It’s shocking Andy Williams is alive. He doesn’t do shows, he has viewings.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Janeane Garofalo, Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur, Thomas Friedman, Richard Dawkins, and Lisa Jackson

New Rule: If America Can't Get it Together, We Lose the Bald Eagle

2009-09-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

New Rule: If America can't get its act together, it must lose the bald eagle as our symbol and replace it with the YouTube video of the puppy that can't get up. As long as we're pathetic, we might as well act like it's cute. I don't care about the president's birth certificate, I do want to know what happened to "Yes we can." Can we get out of Iraq? No. Afghanistan? No. Fix health care? No. Close Gitmo? No. Cap-and-trade carbon emissions? No. The Obamas have been in Washington for ten months and it seems like the only thing they've gotten is a dog.

Well, I hate to be a nudge, but why has America become a nation that can't make anything bad end, like wars, farm subsidies, our oil addiction, the drug war, useless weapons programs - oh, and there's still 60,000 troops in Germany - and can't make anything good start, like health care reform, immigration reform, rebuilding infrastructure. Even when we address something, the plan can never start until years down the road. Congress's climate change bill mandates a 17% cut in greenhouse gas emissions... by 2020! Fellas, slow down, where's the fire? Oh yeah, it's where I live, engulfing the entire western part of the United States!

We might pass new mileage standards, but even if we do, they wouldn't start until 2016. In that year, our cars of the future will glide along at a breathtaking 35 miles-per-gallon. My goodness, is that even humanly possible? Cars that get 35 miles-per-gallon in just six years? Get your head out of the clouds, you socialist dreamer! "What do we want!? A small improvement! When do we want it!? 2016!"

When it's something for us personally, like a laxative, it has to start working now. My TV remote has a button on it now called "On Demand". You get your ass on my TV screen right now, Jon Cryer, and make me laugh. Now! But when it's something for the survival of the species as a whole, we phase that in slowly.

Folks, we don't need more efficient cars. We need something to replace cars. That's what's wrong with these piddly, too-little-too-late half-measures that pass for "reform" these days. They're not reform, they're just putting off actually solving anything to a later day, when we might by some miracle have, a) leaders with balls, and b) a general populace who can think again. Barack Obama has said, "If we were starting from scratch, then a single-payer system would probably make sense." So let's start from scratch.

Even if they pass the shitty Max Baucus health care bill, it doesn't kick in for 4 years, during which time 175,000 people will die because they're not covered, and about three million will go bankrupt from hospital bills. We have a pretty good idea of the Republican plan for the next three years: Don't let Obama do anything. What kills me is that that's the Democrats' plan, too.

We weren't always like this. Inert. In 1965, Lyndon Johnson signed Medicare into law and 11 months later seniors were receiving benefits. During World War II, virtually overnight FDR had auto companies making tanks and planes only. In one eight year period, America went from JFK's ridiculous dream of landing a man on the moon, to actually landing a man on the moon.

This generation has had eight years to build something at Ground Zero. An office building, a museum, an outlet mall, I don't care anymore. I'm tempted to say that, symbolically, all America can do lately is keep digging a hole, but Ground Zero doesn't represent a hole. It is a hole. America: Home of the Freedom Pit. Ironically, it's spitting distance from Wall Street, where they knock down buildings a different way - through foreclosure.

That's the ultimate sign of our lethargy: millions thrown out of their homes, tossed out of work, lost their life savings, retirements postponed - and they just take it. 30% interest on credit cards? It's a good thing the Supreme Court legalized sodomy a few years ago.

Why can't we get off our back? Is it something in the food? Actually, yes. I found out something interesting researching last week's editorial on how we should be taxing the unhealthy things Americans put into their bodies, like sodas and junk foods and gerbils. Did you know that we eat the same high-fat, high-carb, sugar-laden shit that's served in prisons and in religious cults to keep the subjects in a zombie-like state of lethargic compliance? Why haven't Americans arisen en masse to demand a strong public option? Because "The Bachelor" is on. We're tired and our brain stems hurt from washing down French fries with McDonald's orange drink.

The research is in: high-fat diets makes you lazy and stupid. Rats on an American diet weren't motivated to navigate their maze and once in the maze they made more mistakes. And, instead of exercising on their wheel, they just used it to hang clothes on. Of course we can't ban assault rifles - we're the first generation too lazy to make its own coffee. We're the generation that invented the soft chocolate chip cookie: like a cookie, only not so exhausting to chew. I ask you, if the food we're eating in America isn't making us stupid, how come the people in Carl's Jr. ads never think to put a napkin over their pants?

New Rule: You Can't Complain About Health Care Reform If You're Not Willing to Reform Your Own Health

2009-09-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

New Rule: You can't complain about health care reform if you're not willing to reform your own health. Unlike most liberals, I'm glad all those teabaggers marched on Washington last week. Because judging from the photos, it's the first exercise they've gotten in years. Not counting, of course, all the Rascal scooters there, most of which aren't even for the disabled. They're just Americans who turned 60 and said, "Screw it, I'm done walking." These people are furious at the high cost of health care, so they blame illegals, who don't even get health care. News flash, Glenn Beck fans: the reason health care is so expensive is because you're all so unhealthy.

Yes, it was fun this week to watch the teabaggers complain how the media underestimated the size of their march, "How can you say there were only 60,000 of us? We filled the entire mall!" Yes, because you're fat. One whale fills the tank at Sea World, that doesn't make it a crowd.

President Obama has identified all the problems with the health care system, but there's one tiny issue he refuses to tackle, and that's our actual health.

And since Americans can only be prodded into doing something with money, we need to tax crappy foods that make us sick like we do with cigarettes, and alcohol -- and alcohol actually serves a useful function in society in that it enables unattractive people to get laid, which is more than you can say for Skittles.

I'm not saying tax all soda, but certainly any single serving of soda larger than a baby is not unreasonable. If you don't know whether you burp it or it burps you, that's too big. We need to make taking care of ourselves an issue of patriotism. If you were someone who condemned Bush for not asking Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror, the same must be said for Obama and health care.

President Arugula is not gonna tell Americans they're fat and lazy. No sin tax on food on Obama's watch. And at a time when it's important to set new standards for personal responsibility, he appointed a surgeon general, who is, I'm sorry, kind of fat. Certainly too heavy to be a surgeon general, it's a role model thing. It would be like appointing a Secretary of the Treasury who didn't pay his taxes. He did?

And get this: Surgeon General Benjamin had previously been a nutritional advisor to Burger King. The only advice a "health expert" should give Burger King is to stop selling food. The "nutritional advisor" job was described as, "promoting balanced diets and active lifestyle choices" -- and who better to do that than the folks who hand you meat and corn syrup through a car window? When you have a surgeon general who comes from Burger King, it's a message to lobbyists, and that message is, "Have it your way."

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - SEPT. 11 2009

2009-09-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

Friday, September 11, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 11th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It is of course the eighth anniversary of 9/11 and Americans today stopped, as they should, and reflected, whatever they were doing, just to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

This was very encouraging for our country. At the World Trade Center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

This was the week when the President made his big healthcare speech to Congress, making it the second time in the week that he addressed a bunch of children.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

I know the President is black, but this is not "Showtime at the Apollo."

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s conduct at the President’s address to Congress

Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s conduct at the President’s address to Congress

Joe Wilson, to be fair, the next day, he did apologize. He said he didn’t mean to say, “You lie,” he meant to say, "Go back to Africa!"

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Of course, what's so ironic is that the healthcare plan that Mr. Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the Prozac he so desperately needs.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The next day, Sarah Palin on her Facebook page said you know what, she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to know.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The people who took their kids out of school to avoid the President, they need to go back to school.

- Paul Rieckhoff

It was fun to say it to Kathie Lee Gifford’s face and watch her head explode when I said I wanted to outsell the Bible … There’s not one Brooke Shields story in there, which my book has Brooke Shields stories. There’s no plastic surgery photos in the Bible. It sucks.

- Kathy Griffin

New Rule: Next time President Obama addresses America's school children, he has to tell them they're obese and that they should get off drugs. Or otherwise they'll grow up to be Rush Limbaugh.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Stop with Michelle Obama's arms. Women are clamoring for the new issue of "Women's Health" magazine where Michelle's trainer tells how you can get her guns in just nine minutes a day. But I don't buy that because First Lady Laura Bush's arms never got that cut and she spent eight years holding onto a dumbbell.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Rep. Anthony Weiner, Richard Clarke, Rajiv Chandrasekaran, Paul Rieckhoff and Kathy Griffin.

New Rule: Float Like Obama, Sting Like Ali

2009-09-11T16:39:00.001-07:00

New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. And no, I'm not being gratuitously crude when I say that. I refer to the case of Van Jones, and I'm sure you know who Van Jones is. At least I hope you do, because I haven't a clue, or at least I didn't until this week, when I found out he was the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems like a smart thing to do in a recession, but Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.

Now, I know that right now, I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech -- when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

What got Van Jones fired was they caught him on tape saying that Republicans are assholes. And they call it "news." And Obama didn't say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped "end of life counseling" from health care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant "death panels" on her Facebook page.

Crazy evil morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.

Same thing with the speech to children this week. If you missed it, the president attempted to merely tell school children to work hard and wash their hands, and Cracker Nation reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in homeroom. Of course, the White House immediately capitulated. "No students will be forced to view the speech," a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Isn't that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they'd say, "He's giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you spineless jackasses don't show it to every damn kid in you school we're cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow."

The Democrats just never learn: Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pussies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.

I love Obama's civility in the face of such contumely, his desire to work with his enemies, it's positively Christ-like. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But we don't need that guy now. We need an asshole.

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.

And speaking of that 70% -- let's call them the sentient majority -- when are we going to actually show up in all this? Tomorrow Glenn Beck's army of zombie retirees are marching on Washington in protest of, well, everything. It's the Million Moron March, although they won't get a million of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington state -- but they will make news. Because people who take to the streets always do. They're at the town hall screaming at the congressman, we're on the couch screaming at the TV. Especially in this age of electronics and Snuggies, it's a statement to just leave the house. But leave the house we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - AUGUST 21 2009

2009-08-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 21st, 2009

QUOTES FROM REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from Real Time with Bill Maher for Friday, August 21st, 2009. Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Apparently theyre going to have a run-off election. In Afghanistan, thats when the Taliban shows up and everyone runs off.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Its not easy holding an election in a country where 70 percent of the population is functionally illiterate. But hey, if we can do it in this country every four years
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Apparently its no longer enough to be screaming as theyve been doing at the town hall meetings, theyre now, have you seen this, bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Stupid is a pre-existing condition.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

What advice would you give to kids today who want to break into Atheism?
- Bill Maher to Sam Harris, author of The End of Faith

You get the government you deserve.
- Jay Leno

You know who the best journalists are? The ones who used to do it.
- Chuck Todd

By the time I get there, itll be worthless. Its in 4th place.
- Jay Leno about NBC

You prevent future torture by prosecuting past acts of torture.
- Jeremy Scahill

Youre constantly letting these officials off the hook on the fact that Obamas continuing some of the worst of Bushs policies when it comes to foreign affairs.
- Jeremy Scahill referring to the media

New Rule: Either bury Michael Jacksons body, or send it out on that concert tour. Earlier this week, Joe Jackson said Michael would be buried at the end of the month, and now thats been postponed. I dont know whats creepier, the fact that hes going to spend eternity as a Zombie or that he saw it coming.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. Youre lucky it doesnt have gravy on it. Besides, if it werent for the coke, a dollar wouldnt have any value at all.
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: When you make the runners pee in a cup to check for drugs, you must also check to see if theyre peeing standing up. A South African runner has been ordered to undergo a test to determine if shes really a woman. Which is fine, but if were really interested in testing which track star is what gender shouldnt we start with Bruce Jenner?
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

New Rule: If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should look into Lasik surgery. You know, theres the rational, mature assessment of our country: that its a great nationespecially if you like fried foodsbut it also has its faults. And then theres the modern-day Republican view: that America is infallible and pure in every way, and the Founders made a mistake when they wrote the phrase In order to form a more perfect union. Hello, its already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?
- Bill Maher in his New Rules segment

This week's guests were Jay Leno, Rep. Jan Schakowsky, Chuck Todd, Sam Harris, and Jeremy Scahill.

New Rule: No Shame in Being the Sorry Party

2009-08-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

New Rule: If Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin all think America has never done anything wrong, we must be doing something wrong. Look at them: an empty suit, an empty heart and an empty head. It looks like the news team on Good Morning Hell. And what they've been competing about lately is who would not apologize the most. America is infallible, and apologies are horrible things that must never, ever be given. Except by me when I make a joke about the Pope. "We're perfect -- deal with it," is their new handshake. But I say, what's wrong with America occasionally saying, "I'm sorry"? Because these are the three sorriest white people I've ever seen.

If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should really look into Lasik surgery. There's the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it's a great nation -- especially if you like fried foods -- but it also has its faults. And then there's the Republican view: that it's perfect and pure in every way and it's always right all the time, just like Leviticus and Ronald Reagan.

If the founders were alive today, Republicans would be giving them shit because the Declaration of Independence says, "In order to form a more perfect union? Hello, it's already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"

One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that Obama is always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush. Who was one of America's biggest mistakes.

In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "

But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism." Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.

In her farewell speech -- if only -- Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?

When did intractability become a virtue? Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. You can find it at Borders, in the "Suck-Up" section. It's such a perfect title, combining paranoia with arrogance: "No one has yet asked me to apologize but, if someone ever does, fuck them."

Conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal pussies do, when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When in fact it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize. Apologies are actually a sign of strength. That's why six-year-olds hate them.

In Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.

Apologies can do great things, and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex.

HBO Real Time Report: Health Care Protests - Dana Gould

2009-08-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - AUGUST 14 2009

2009-08-15T01:23:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 14th, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 14th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Even after Obama took time out to painstakingly explain that there were no death panels, Sarah Palin fired back with a resounding ‘nut uh.’

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

It does seem to me a tad ironic that she’s [Sarah Palin] so against killing old people considering she’s the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

One way to tell your party is a bunch of pussies is when you are bullied by a chick on Facebook.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin

We ought to change our motto from E Pluribus Unum to I Am Sam.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the intelligence of the American people

Michael Vick is back in the NFL. He said today he never killed any dogs. He was merely counseling them on end of life issues.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin

You have to be either brave or stupid.

- Brad Pitt on why guests appear on “Real Time with Bill Maher”

Don’t you think that having the experience the Clintons went through and understanding that this was going to be controversial, they should have initiated an information campaign upfront so they could have pre-empted many of these arguments, these stories and these falsehoods?

- Anthony Zinni on Obama’s ill-prepared roll out of the new Health Care Bill

Nobody was calling the UK and Canada, who both have free health care or public health care; we weren’t calling them socialists when we were asking them to come help fight a war in Iraq and Afghanistan for freedom and democracy.

- Ashton Kutcher

We have reached a point where the Republican Party is down to such a core that the special interest groups aren’t actually that interested in the Republican Party anymore.

- Ross Douthat

Declaring war on terrorism would have been like Woodrow Wilson declaring war on U-boat attacks. It is a tactic and is ridiculous and so we were chasing the symptom of a greater problem.

- Anthony Zinni

New Rule: Stop acting shocked that a guy who made his living selling chemicals died of a drug overdose. He sold a white powder that solves all your problems really, really fast. The only difference between cocaine and Oxyclean is cocaine worked.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If you’re stuck on a plane that’s not moving for more than five hours, you get to punch a baby.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were General Anthony Zinni, Ashton Kutcher, Ross Douthat, Dana Gould and Brad Pitt.

New Rule: A-hole in One Shouldn't Be Obama's Game

2009-08-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

New Rule: President Obama must give up that awful habit that sets such a bad example for young people. I'm talking, of course ... about golf.

Golf, if you're not familiar, is a pastime where you basically walk outdoors with a bag, muttering and cursing. It's like being homeless in loud pants. Anyway, Time magazine is reporting that since he became president, Barack Obama has taken up golf with a passion, playing almost every weekend for the past few months -- and I feel betrayed. He campaigned as a basketball player. It said to us, "I'm urban and athletic and hip and a team player." Golf says, "I like Lipitor and white collar crime." And it's not just golf -- he's been purposefully eating a lot of hamburgers in public lately, to prove he loves meat. And he said that, unlike before he became president, he prays all the time now and that his Faith and Neighbor Initiatives Director sends him scripture on his Blackberry to start every day. Jesus, is there something about that house that turns people into assholes?

I kid the Commander in Chief, he's very far from an asshole, he's a cool dude, and I want to keep him that way! I don't want a regular guy running the country. We tried that for eight years and New Orleans still smells like mildew. Obama was different. He wasn't Joe Six-Pack. He had a six-pack. And when he gave a speech it didn't make English teachers cry. He wasn't some regular schmuck who spent five hours a weekend on the golf course. Why? Because he actually likes his family!

But Democrats have this bad habit of letting the Republicans scare them into acting more "regular guy" than they really are, and then they look inauthentic. Like Hillary drinking shooters. Like Dukakis in the tank. So I'm putting you on notice, Barack Obama: you're from Chicago, the day I see you in a duck blind, I'm taking my hope elsewhere.

So that's why I'm so worried when I see my president playing golf, because golf is a slippery slope. First comes the golf attire, then the golf stories and pretty soon you're telling black jokes. What's worse is that you know Obama doesn't really wanna be golfing, he's just doing it because he thinks it will relax the white people. "How could I be a socialist, I'm putting!" Well, I've got news for you, Mr. President, the people who think you want to kill their Great Aunt Millie aren't going to be swayed by a photo-op on the golf course. They see those photos, they're not thinking you're just like Tiger Woods, they're thinking, "Here comes the Angel of Death, and he's got a nine iron."

There is also a more serious side to this, because golf, hamburgers, and religion are all things that are incredibly bad for the environment. According to the U.N., in 15 years almost two billion people will be living in conditions of absolute water scarcity. And yet, a golf course in Palm Springs consumes as much water per day as an American family uses in four years. Golf courses in America consume over 114 million gallons of water a year on grass that doesn't even get you high. Golf courses also need large quantities of fertilizers and pesticides whose run-off pollutes the ground water for miles around.

This isn't just a third world problem -- there's a water shortage right now in the western United States. If I surpass my monthly water allotment here in Los Angeles, I'll get fined by the city. If I do it twice, they'll send 40,000 prisoners to live in my backyard.

But when it comes to bad for the environment, nothing -- literally -- compares with eating meat. The business of raising animals for food causes about 40 percent more global warming than all cars, trucks, and planes combined. If you care about the planet, it's actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.

There was a news story last week about the U.S. military warning America that the ripple effects from global warming inspired disasters could kill millions of people, but none of them can moonwalk, so nobody gave a shit. But if this "planet" problem is so dire the military is saying they're going to have to start dealing with it, maybe the president should set a better example about how we just can't live exactly as we always have and survive. I'm certainly not suggesting that we "take away" your golf or your hamburgers, but when it comes to being a role model on the environment, this president is out to lunch. With Joe Biden, eating greaseburgers.

Which is a shame, because he and his wife have demonstrated enormous power to lead by example. What they do, Americans want to do, because they're stars, and we're star-fuckers! And, like I said last week, we're not very bright, so we need direction -- if Obama grabbed Biden for lunch next week and ordered a veggie burger -- yes, Sean Hannity will call him a mincing fairy, like he did when Obama used mustard instead of ketchup -- like I ever knew one was more manly than the other. Stop caring what Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin will say about you. Be who you really are - a basketball playing, Jay-Z listening, city-dwelling hipster. The only sand trap I want to see you get out of is Afghanistan. And next time you have to get two guys over for a beer, smoke a little weed.

Guests on this week's program include Brad Pitt, Dana Gould, Ashton Kutcher, General Anthony Zinni and Ross Douthat.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - AUGUST 7 2009

2009-08-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 7th, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 7th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Have you seen what’s going on with these Town Halls? I don’t want to say they’re out of control. But they’re starting to show them on ESPN.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

I hate what’s happening in this country when I look at this. White people in Town Halls acting like black people in movie theaters.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He’s [Obama] getting testy about these protesters. The other day he said if I want to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged I’ll ask Joe Biden a yes or no question.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

New Rule: Stop trying to make Radio Shack cool. Radio Shack, the shopping destination for people too socially awkward for Best Buy, is changing its name to The Shack. Maybe they’ll be like Abercrombie & Fitch, and have a shirtless guy standing in the doorway holding a surge protector. Admit it, Radio Shack: you’re not even a store, you’re just where immigrants go to learn English before getting a real job at 7-11.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Don’t hit on women at your wife’s funeral. Especially if you’re their dad. Vanity Fair reports that Ryan O’Neal accidentally tried to pick up his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, giving a whole new meaning to the line: “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” When you see family at a funeral, think: “bury the hatchet.” Not “hide the salami.”

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

And finally New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. Now, a couple of weeks ago I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn’t put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with emails and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were really mad because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of all, Bill O’Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which A) proves my point, and B) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Congressman Jack Kingston, Congressman Darrell Issa, Dr. David Scheiner and Arianna Huffington.

New Rule: Smart President ≠ Smart Country

2009-08-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A few weeks ago I was asked by Wolf Blitzer if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn't put anything past this stupid country. It was amazing - in the minute or so between my calling America stupid and the end of the Cialis commercial, CNN was flooded with furious emails and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were really mad because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! It's how they get the blood circulating when the Cialis wears off. Worst of all, Bill O'Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which A) proves my point, and B) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.

Now, the hate mail all seemed to have a running theme: that I may live in a stupid country, but they lived in the greatest country on earth, and that perhaps I should move to another country, like Somalia. Well, the joke's on them because I happen to have a summer home in Somalia... and no I can't show you an original copy of my birth certificate because Woody Harrelson spilled bong water on it.

And before I go about demonstrating how, sadly, easy it is to prove the dumbness dragging down our country, let me just say that ignorance has life and death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq War, 69% of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Four years later, 34% still did. Or take the health care debate we're presently having: members of Congress have recessed now so they can go home and "listen to their constituents." An urge they should resist because their constituents don't know anything. At a recent town-hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his Congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare," which is kind of like driving cross country to protest highways.

I'm the bad guy for saying it's a stupid country, yet polls show that a majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. 24% could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don't know what's in Roe v. Wade. Two-thirds don't know what the Food and Drug Administration does. Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive. You know, like the way the Slumdog kid knew about cricket.

Not here. Nearly half of Americans don't know that states have two senators and more than half can't name their congressman. And among Republican governors, only 30% got their wife's name right on the first try.

Sarah Palin says she would never apologize for America. Even though a Gallup poll says 18% of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth. No, they're not stupid. They're interplanetary mavericks. A third of Republicans believe Obama is not a citizen, and a third of Democrats believe that George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks, which is an absurd sentence because it contains the words "Bush" and "knowledge."

People bitch and moan about taxes and spending, but they have no idea what their government spends money on. The average voter thinks foreign aid consumes 24% of our federal budget. It's actually less than 1%. And don't even ask about cabinet members: seven in ten think Napolitano is a kind of three-flavored ice cream. And last election, a full one-third of voters forgot why they were in the booth, handed out their pants, and asked, "Do you have these in a relaxed-fit?"

And I haven't even brought up America's religious beliefs. But here's one fun fact you can take away: did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which one came first.

And these are the idiots we want to weigh in on the minutia of health care policy? Please, this country is like a college chick after two Long Island Iced Teas: we can be talked into anything, like wars, and we can be talked out of anything, like health care. We should forget town halls, and replace them with study halls. There's a lot of populist anger directed towards Washington, but you know who concerned citizens should be most angry at? Their fellow citizens. "Inside the beltway" thinking may be wrong, but at least it's thinking, which is more than you can say for what's going on outside the beltway.

And if you want to call me an elitist for this, I say thank you. Yes, I want decisions made by an elite group of people who know what they're talking about. That means Obama budget director Peter Orszag, not Sarah Palin.

Which is the way our founding fathers wanted it. James Madison wrote that "pure democracy" doesn't work because "there is nothing to check... an obnoxious individual." Then, in the margins, he doodled a picture of Joe the Plumber.

Until we admit there are things we don't know, we can't even start asking the questions to find out. Until we admit that America can make a mistake, we can't stop the next one. A smart guy named Chesterton once said: "My country, right or wrong is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying... It is like saying 'My mother, drunk or sober.'" To which most Americans would respond: "Are you calling my mother a drunk?"

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - JULY 31 2009

2009-08-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 31st, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 31st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I know why you’re happy: racism is over and we did it with a beer
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There was one little awkward moment. When he arrived at the White House,he got out of the car,and he threw Obama his keys.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Sergeant Crowley

You can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in on a new gas-guzzling clunker.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about “cash for clunkers”

I think its great that we have a President who we can see having a beer cause he isn’t a dry drunk.
-Bill Maher

My great fear is that Congress is gonna get power over the Fed. That’s the nightmare scenario. We have those crazy people on the hill starting to control American policy. Then I really will go back to Britain.
-Harvard Professor Niall Ferguson who is British

He is Michael Jordan playing on a bad team. There’s nobody to pass the ball to.
-Bill Maher about President Obama and Congress

I think we should airlift all the women out of Afghanistan for 40 years so that the Taliban can’t reproduce and then bring them back and start from scratch.
-Joe Queenan

It’s funny for me to be asked to speak on behalf of women.
-Rachel Maddow

FROM THE NEW RULES SEGMENT

New Rule: From now on, to save valuable airtime, news outlets must only report when a ballplayer is discovered to be not on steroids.

-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. For the past couple of weeks we’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”—the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really born in Hawaii and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, Miss California Carrie Prejean. And there’s nothing you can do to convince these people—you could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate, with the placenta, and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background and they still wouldn’t believe it.

-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Rachel Maddow, Niall Ferguson, Joe Queenan, Michael Ware and Jeff Sharlet.

'Birthers' must be stopped

2009-07-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

No matter how dumb, the people who are questioning whether Obama was born in the U.S. could eventually cause real problems.

By Bill Maher
July 31, 2009

Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything.

For the last couple of weeks, we've all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the "birthers" -- the far-right goofballs who claim Barack Obama wasn't really born in Hawaii and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, former Miss California Carrie Prejean.

Also, when Obama was sworn in as president, he forgot to give his answer in the form of a question.

And yet, every week, the chorus of conservatives demanding to see his birth certificate grows. It's like they're the Cambridge police, Obama's in his house -- the White House -- and they need to see some ID.

And there's nothing anyone can do to convince these folks. You could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background ... and they still wouldn't believe it.

Which raises the question: Why, in this country, is it always the religious right that won't take anything on faith?

So far, the reaction from Democrats is to laugh this off, and I understand why. If you seriously believe that President Obama is an African sleeper spy, get out of your chat room and have your house tested for lead.

But we live in America, and in America, if you don't immediately kill arrant nonsense, no matter how ridiculous, it can grow and thrive and eventually take over, like crab grass or reality shows about fat people.

This flap might be a deluded right-wing obsession that is a total waste of time, but so was Whitewater, and look where that ended up. A handful of Republican operatives, enraged at Bill Clinton's unprecedented economic growth and budget surpluses, found a woman named Paula Jones, which led to a woman named Monica Lewinsky, which gave me enough material to eventually be able to buy a big house in Bel-Air. Which I'm still conflicted about.

More recently we had the Swift Boat allegations against John Kerry, in which Kerry was accused of volunteering to serve in Vietnam so he could jump in front of a bullet so he could get a medal and then throw it away to satisfy his urge to insult real Americans. This was so stupid that Kerry refused to even discuss it.

And we all know how well that worked out.

And once these stories get out there, they're hard to stamp out because our media do such a lousy job of speaking truth to stupid. Vietnam, Iraq and the Spanish-American War were all sold on lies that were unchallenged or even abetted by the media. Clinton got impeached and Kerry got destroyed in large part because the media didn't have the guts to say, "This is nonsense."

Lou Dobbs has been saying recently that people are asking a lot of questions about the birth certificate. Yes, the same people who want to know where the sun goes at night.

And Lou, you're their new king.

That's why it's so important that we the few, the proud, the reality-based attack this stuff before it has a chance to fester and spread. This isn't a case of Democrats versus Republicans. It's sentient beings versus the lizard people, and it is to them I offer this deal: I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Los Angeles Times Op-Ed July 31,2009
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-maher31-2009jul31,0,622151.story

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - JULY 24 2009

2009-07-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 24, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 24, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

The president spent the week, the last few days, talking about America’s most vulnerable citizens, the Cambridge Police Department.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Probably the most prominent African-American scholar in America today, Henry Louis Gates, was arrested for being black while home. Apparently, in America, if you are black, you can be pulled over for driving a stolen house.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Officer Crowley was upset. Apparently he said Henry Louis Gates was threatening. Of course, he meant he was an educated black man.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

When the military says ‘we don’t want this’ and Congress is trying to shove this down their throats, it is a sad statement of the political system we have right now.
- Anthony Woods regarding the rejection of F-22 additional funding.

We are actually, as a nation, consigning a group of people to complete ruination.
- Susan Eisenhower regarding multiple deployments of the military overseas

We have allowed ourselves as a country to get in a situation where we think the military can solve all of our problems overseas and that is absolutely not the case. As a country, we have a lot more resources that we can bring to bear that are not just about firepower and kicking in doors.
- Anthony Woods

It’s ridiculous to say that all Republicans are racist. That of course is not true. But nowadays, if you are a racist, you are probably a Republican.
- Bill Maher

You have a radio show host with an agenda who is all about preaching extremist views. It allows these sorts of fringe ideas to come up and get circulated.
- Anthony Woods regarding Rush Limbaugh and Republican outrage over Obama’s birth certificate

If it is so bad, why do we have it for our Veterans?
- Bill Maher regarding Universal Health Care

The Republicans are a side show here compared to the failure of the Democratic Party to get its shit together and govern the country.
- John Heilemann

New Rule: Stop pretending to be so shocked that the girl from the Harry Potter movies is now a hottie. Wow, she was a cute little eleven-year-old girl in that first movie – who would have dreamed that eight short years later she’d turn out to be 19? Relax – if you’re an adult seeing the new Harry Potter movie, you don’t have to be ashamed about being attracted to her. What you’ve got to be ashamed about is that you’re an adult, seeing the new Harry Potter movie.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. If conservatives get to call universal health care “socialized medicine,” I get to call private, for-profit health care “soulless vampire bastards making money off human pain.”
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

This week's guests were Susan Eisenhower, John Heilemann, Anthony Woods, Matt Taibbi and a satellite interview with Janet Napolitano.

New Rule: Not Everything in America Has to Make a Profit

2009-07-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

How about this for a New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. It used to be that there were some services and institutions so vital to our nation that they were exempt from market pressures. Some things we just didn't do for money. The United States always defined capitalism, but it didn't used to define us. But now it's becoming all that we are.

Did you know, for example, that there was a time when being called a "war profiteer" was a bad thing? But now our war zones are dominated by private contractors and mercenaries who work for corporations. There are more private contractors in Iraq than American troops, and we pay them generous salaries to do jobs the troops used to do for themselves -- like laundry. War is not supposed to turn a profit, but our wars have become boondoggles for weapons manufacturers and connected civilian contractors.

Prisons used to be a non-profit business, too. And for good reason -- who the hell wants to own a prison? By definition you're going to have trouble with the tenants. But now prisons are big business. A company called the Corrections Corporation of America is on the New York Stock Exchange, which is convenient since that's where all the real crime is happening anyway. The CCA and similar corporations actually lobby Congress for stiffer sentencing laws so they can lock more people up and make more money. That's why America has the world;s largest prison population -- because actually rehabilitating people would have a negative impact on the bottom line.

Television news is another area that used to be roped off from the profit motive. When Walter Cronkite died last week, it was odd to see news anchor after news anchor talking about how much better the news coverage was back in Cronkite's day. I thought, "Gee, if only you were in a position to do something about it."

But maybe they aren't. Because unlike in Cronkite's day, today's news has to make a profit like all the other divisions in a media conglomerate. That's why it wasn't surprising to see the CBS Evening News broadcast live from the Staples Center for two nights this month, just in case Michael Jackson came back to life and sold Iran nuclear weapons. In Uncle Walter's time, the news division was a loss leader. Making money was the job of The Beverly Hillbillies. And now that we have reporters moving to Alaska to hang out with the Palin family, the news is The Beverly Hillbillies.

And finally, there's health care. It wasn't that long ago that when a kid broke his leg playing stickball, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun put a thermometer in his mouth, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle and you were done. The bill was $1.50, plus you got to keep the thermometer.

But like everything else that's good and noble in life, some Wall Street wizard decided that hospitals could be big business, so now they're run by some bean counters in a corporate plaza in Charlotte. In the U.S. today, three giant for-profit conglomerates own close to 600 hospitals and other health care facilities. They're not hospitals anymore; they're Jiffy Lubes with bedpans. America's largest hospital chain, HCA, was founded by the family of Bill Frist, who perfectly represents the Republican attitude toward health care: it's not a right, it's a racket. The more people who get sick and need medicine, the higher their profit margins. Which is why they're always pushing the Jell-O.

Because medicine is now for-profit we have things like "recision," where insurance companies hire people to figure out ways to deny you coverage when you get sick, even though you've been paying into your plan for years.

When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country, ask what's in it for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private health care "soulless vampires making money off human pain." The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism.

And if medicine is for profit, and war, and the news, and the penal system, my question is: what's wrong with firemen? Why don't they charge? They must be commies. Oh my God! That explains the red trucks!

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - JULY 17 2009

2009-07-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 17th, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 17th , 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is gonna happen. Now of course, the Republicans say the plan is too confusing and too convoluted. But, you know, these are the same people who claim they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She got quite a grilling from those Republicans. I was like fellas, she’s a Latina, not a piñata.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Sonia Sotomayor

The tag that they kept trying to hang around her neck was “reverse racist.” They said, you know, it’s reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Sonia Sotomayor

I would never say that Republicans are all racist. That’s ridiculous and wrong. But if you’re a racist nowadays in America, you’re probably a Republican.

- Bill Maher

What he represented in that moment of the professionalism and the integrity and the courage and the humanity. It’s an amazing thing. I don’t think any modern day anchor quite embodies what he was.

- Jason Alexander regarding Walter Cronkite and his reporting on the JFK assassination

New Rule: Stop referring to Sarah Palin as a “renegade”. A renegade is someone who rebels against convention. What is Sarah Palin rebelling against, grammar? Wildlife? Sports analogies? Face it Sarah, you only rebelled against one thing in your life, family planning.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

I defy anyone to watch ten minutes of "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV and not want to strap on a vest and blow up that little snot's birthday party.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

My god, since this Michael Jackson thing happened, I have no idea what's going on with John and Kate.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Brian Schweitzer, Anne Deavere Smith, Markos Moulitsas, Jason Alexander and a satellite interview with Joe Scarborough.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

2009-06-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

Friday, June 19th, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, June 19th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It’s sad about Iran. What do you expect about a country? It's a government propped up by oil money that’s led by a religious wacko. Kind of like Alaska.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

This could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter because that’s how people are communicating to go to the rallies and so forth and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities of course in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the Internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they are dropped immediately. Or, as T-Mobile calls it, "normal service."

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

I love this guy. He is a piece of work. John Ensign was a Promise Keeper; he was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act, and a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. He has hit the Hypocrisy Trifecta.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

This is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama. Because, you know, he won’t come out for gay marriage. He threw them a bone with federal benefits. They didn’t like that. They said, “We are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected.” And he said, “Well that’s like being married.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There’s a tendency here in America, when it comes to foreign policy, to say these are the good guys and these are the bad guys. A couple of weeks ago nobody had heard of Mir-Hossein Mousavi. Now suddenly, he’s the good guy. Well, I have questions about that, whether he’s a real reformer, and there’s sort of oversimplification that happens here.

- Katty Kay

It does seem like we’re choosing between like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. They’re not even the real leader of this country, right. It’s like they’re having a revolution about the Governor of Nebraska.

- Joel Stein regarding Iran

You’re either this pious, holier than thou person or you’re a skank and all these things. And I came out with my article when I wrote an article and I said that I wasn’t a virgin on national television, and I got all these emails and it was like, Meghan McCain, perverted sex addict. And it’s like you’re either a holy virgin or you have to stay at the point of saying “I’m abstinent. But I meant to be abstinent,” or you’re a perverted sex addict. And I think it’s this really crazy thing in politics, and especially Republican politics. And I think it’s unhealthy, especially for young women.

- Meghan McCain

I’m going to be consistent. It’s none of my business who Senator Ensign sleeps with. I’m much more interested in who the oil companies are screwing than who John Ensign is screwing.

- Paul Begala

I’m a Catholic. We’re taught that sex is a dirty, vile, disgusting, act that you save for the one you truly love.

- Paul Begala

If these were two blonde women, of course there’d be much more of a fuss made about it in the press here.

- Katty Kay regarding Laura Ling and Euna Lee

New Rule: Let's not all act shocked that the new Miss California is also against gay marriage. Of course they're conservative. They're beauty pageant contestants. If they were liberals they'd be in college.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Twitter didn't save Iran. Iran saved Twitter. I'm happy that information is getting out there, but admit it, Twitter users, if anyone had asked you two weeks ago what "Iran" was, you would've said it was the new treadmill from Apple.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Now that the Olive Garden has pulled its ads from Letterman's show because they say his Palin joke was "not consistent with our standards and values" someone has to figure out a way for me to boycott a restaurant I would never eat at in the first place.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Katty Kay, Paul Begala, Joel Stein, Meghan McCain and Hooman Majd.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 29 2009

2009-06-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 29th, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 29th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Sonia Sotomayor, her background, wow, graduated first in her class at Princeton, Yale Law School, a prosecutor, a sitting judge for the last 18 years. Or as conservatives call it, "unqualified."

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Here’s a woman who was raised in the Bronx, tough neighborhood, without a father. And that's how you know America is a great melting country - when your Supreme Court justice has the same back-story as your lap dancer.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid, getting him his drugs.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

What happens on your plate represents your most important engagement with the natural world and the biggest impact you have on climate change. Meat eating in particular represents a tremendous amount of greenhouse gasses produced.

New Rule: Before the Supreme Court welcomes its first Hispanic Justice, Clarence Thomas must admit he's a little disappointed that Obama didn't pick a lesbian.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Honey Nut Cheerios have to take the bee off the box. It reminds me that all the bees are dying, and if I wanted to start my day staring at something that makes me want to kill myself I'd watch Fox and Friends. We lost almost a third of America's bee population last winter. I can't take another morning thinking about a beautiful striped animal going extinct. Which is why tomorrow I'll have Frosted Flakes.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Richard Pollan, John Bolton, Heather Wilson and Harper Hill.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 15 2009

2009-05-17T02:25:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 15th, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 15th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, "We didn't torture," then it became, "OK, we tortured, but it worked," now it's "Nancy Pelosi said we could."

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Newt Gingrich yesterday was all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a frivolous politician. Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Sarah Palin said the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks against Miss California is despicable. And then she said, “I feel like you are my own daughter.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

New Rule: Stop having the same discussion every year about whether the comedian at the Correspondents' Dinner went "too far." This week, conservatives were outraged that the president laughed - out loud - at a black, lesbian woman. You think you're pissed now? Wait'll he appoints her to the Supreme Court.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9% of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining .1%? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol."

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Just because something isn't endangered anymore doesn't mean we have to go back to killing it. There are still only 6000 gray wolves. They're not a threat unless Pakistan sells them nukes. You want to hunt a species that's breeding out of control? How about that "Jon & Kate Plus 8."

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Richard Brookhiser, Amy Holmes, Dan Savage, David Simon and Elizabeth Warren.

Americans, please wash hands before criticizing Obama

2009-05-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 8th 2009

New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.

It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?

You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President.

So please, Mr. President, tell us to turn the lights off when we leave the room. Tell us not to buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring Dings and Cheese Nips, and think twice before dating a stranger we meet on craigslist. For God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Not just to save the newspaper industry - though Lord knows I'd miss my Daily Jumble - but because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a President who knows nothing.

There's a name for people who do the right thing for their country, even if it involves sacrifice. And no, it's not "socialists." It's "patriots." We all know the modern definition of a patriot: It's the person who pays the least taxes and listens to the most A.M. radio. But that wasn't what it always meant.

Patriots want their fellow citizens to be able to go to the hospital. They want to make sure no one sells them bread made out of Chinese skulls. They want a country where the deer and the antelope can still play - and not just so Sarah Palin can shoot them from a helicopter. Patriots want to burn less coal and buy less oil. Jimmy Carter put solar panels on the White House roof and Ronald Reagan had them removed. You've heard of "opposite marriage"? This is "opposite patriotism."

Rush Limbaugh celebrated this Earth Day by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees.

During the campaign, Obama suggested that one simple thing Americans could do to help with fuel-efficiency was check their car's tire pressure. And Republicans freaked, because to them, every suggestion for the common good is a direct attack on their personal liberty, and it's unpatriotic to interfere with anyone's God-given right to be big, dumb and selfish.

When the President suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, you're a rugged individualist. But you're not - you're just a schmuck.

Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have predictably and reliably told us that government is always the problem, never you my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious little snowflake. A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.

-Bill Maher

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 1 2009

2009-05-02T01:08:00.000-07:00

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 1st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I know why you’re happy tonight. Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at The Supreme Court.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Supreme Court appointment

New Rule: The Obama administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee there's a couch.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2000-year old Jew. Where else would he live? But would it kill you to show him with a little tan? Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Congressman Barney Frank, Fareed Zakaria, Richard Engel and Dr. David Kessler.

The GOP: divorced from reality

2009-04-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

The Republican base is behaving like a guy who just got dumped by his wife.

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

It's been a week now, and I still don't know what those "tea bag" protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who's going to win "American Idol." But it wasn't tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that's when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.

The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because ... well, nobody knows. They're mad as hell, and they're not going to take it anymore. Even though they're not quite sure what "it" is. But they know they're fed up with "it," and that "it" has got to stop.

Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.

And here's the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.

Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?

It's sad what's happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they're the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.

The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, "Bill, that's just the fringe of the Republican Party." No, it's not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that ... Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I'm not sure exactly what Perry's independent nation would look like, but I'm pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.

I know. It's not about what Obama's done. It's what he's planning. But you can't be sick and tired of something someone might do.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build "reeducation" camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn't made any moves toward taking anyone's guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.

Look, I get it, "real America." After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You've come home to find your things out on the front lawn -- or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You're not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a whore and key its car.

That's what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him -- obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.

But it's been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She's found somebody new. And it's a black guy.

The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You'll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.

And if today's conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they're better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you're with them or you're embarrassed by them.

The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don't need to. They already beat you in public.

-Bill Maher

Published April 24 2009 The Los Angeles Times

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-maher24-2009apr24,0,927819.story

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

2009-03-17T01:46:00.000-07:00

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 13th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Bernie Madoff, the most reviled person in America, except for perhaps that E*Trade talking baby, went to prison. They did the cavity search. They found 63 billion dollars.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He lost 63 billion dollars of people’s money, never invested a dime in anything. He put all of it in one Chase Manhattan Bank account. You know what I don’t understand, how come the FBI didn't notice this but somehow they found Eliot Spitzer's hooker money.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Bernie Madoff

Michael Steele, the head of the Republican Party, is in very hot water this week once again for suggesting that actually it is the woman’s choice if she’s pregnant, what to do, and also suggesting that homosexuality is something you’re born with. Rush Limbaugh attacked him for being dangerously sane.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Bristol says she wants her baby raised free of ignorance and backwoods superstition. But you can't stop mom from visiting.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

For the sake of our children, this overly powerful and selfish union must be busted.
- Bill Maher, regarding the Teacher’s Union

New Rule: To save taxpayer money, someone must fire those courtroom sketch artists and just take a damn picture. It's 2009. Everything in our pocket has a camera on it now - including the lint. And if you really want to draw the people who laid America low, bring your sketch-pad to Wall Street.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Garbage trucks get to back up without beeping. I'm trying to sleep and you're a giant, churning, groaning behemoth, and when you go backwards, it's at one mile an hour while making the sound of Fran Drescher with her hand caught in a blender. If there's anyone out there who can manage to get run over under those conditions, well, you won't just be letting me sleep, you'll be improving the species.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If President Obama really wants to be transparent and level with the American people, he must replace Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner with an actual deer caught in the headlights. Geithner could learn a thing or two about economic stimulus from the deer. For example, if you want to make a couple of bucks you need a little doe up front.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Andrew Breitbart, Michael Eric Dyson, Sarah Silverman and Steven Pearlstein.

Country First

2008-10-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

Whenever we do an editorial chastising America for not living up to its potential, there are complaints. Complaints that I blame America first. Which is silly - I'm not "blaming" America in any particular order. I'm simply of the belief that nothing gets better until you see the problem for what it really is. Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First. For those who disapproved of Friday's editorial about Europe and America, here are two others of similar ilk to choke on :)

Religulous

2008-10-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

Hey all, if you haven't seen "Religulous" yet, would you do me a favor and go this weekend? I swear not for me, I am honestly not interested in ever making a movie again - I'm like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this shit." But this one I would like to do well so America gets it that there's a lot of people who at least would like this to be a subject we can talk about and debate. And, its a hoot! I've gotten so many e mails and texts from people who say "I just saw your movie, and at the end everyone applauded. " Something must be going on here, how many times do you see that in movies these days?

Thank you!

Republicans, stop calling Obama elitist

2008-09-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

Because the real reason you don't like him is that he's smarter than you.

Sept. 5, 2008 New Rule: Republicans need to stop saying Barack Obama is an elitist, or looks down on rural people, and just admit you don't like him because of something he can't help, something that's a result of the way he was born. Admit it, you're not voting for him because he's smarter than you.

In her acceptance speech, Gov. Sarah Palin accused Obama of using his run for the White House as a "journey of personal discovery" -- this from the lady who just spent 10 minutes of her speech introducing her family -- Track, Trig, Bristol, Piper -- for a minute there I thought she was calling in an airstrike.

Karl Rove described Obama as "the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini, and making snide comments about everyone who passes by." Unlike George Bush, who's the guy at the country club who makes snide comments, and then passes out. Now this characterization, of course, was something Mr. Rove just completely pulled out of his bulbous, gelatinous ass, but remember this is America, a land where people believe anything they hear. One of McCain's ads casts Obama as "the one," implying he thinks he's the Messiah. Good, maybe he can raise McCain from the dead.

It doesn't matter to Karl Rove that his country club characterization is fictitious, it's the role that Obama must play if the party of plutocrats is going to win over the little guy. Over and over at this convention we heard about the new put-upon victim in our society, the person in America, like Sarah Palin, who's constantly mocked because they're from a ... small town! Governor Yup Yup's got 'em all riled up about being disrespected.

Barack Obama can't help it if he's a magna cum laude Harvard grad and you're a Wal-Mart shopper who resurfaces driveways with your brother-in-law. Americans are so narcissistic that our candidates have to be just like us. That's why George Bush is president. And that's where the McCain camp gets its campaign strategy: Paint Obama as cocky and arrogant and wait for America to vote him off, like the black guy in every reality show. A black president? Half of Pennsylvania isn't ready for black quarterbacks. Forget Obama, they think Will Smith needs to be taken down a peg.

And finally: As for "country first," you know who's putting country first? I am, by supporting Obama, because a victory this fall for the McCain-Mooseburger ticket would make my job in the next four years very, very easy.

Defeating Evil

2008-09-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

On Friday night's Real Time, Craig Ferguson was not following an analogy I made, and he's an exceptionally bright guy, so maybe it was me and here's agood place to expatiate, unless that's what makes you go blind.

I was trying to make a point about something that's been bugging me lately,which is the way the Afgan war has become the good, smart war that nobody questions - sure, the Republicans were stupid to go into Iraq, THEIR war, but Obama's idea to add troops and have a surge in Afghanistan, that nobody questions. Can't we at least have a debate about this? I know in America wehave to have SOME war going, you can't say you're against war, that makes you a wimp. But on the campaign trail, Obama used to say he didn't want tojust end the Iraq war, he wanted to change the mindset that got us into such a war - that's the kind of thing that made me really like him.

But at the convention, it was "Obama wants to send two more brigades to Afghanistan! Hurrah!" Yes, Afghanistan is where Al Queada really is, but we're not going to beable to kill all of them, and new ones are being born every minute,especially every time we bomb civilians. And bin Laden is in Pakistan, and we're not going to invade Pakistan to get him, so what's the plan? And theanalogy I was making was with gangs in America. In the analogy, they're the terrorists. Of course the gangs in L.A. would like to rampage through Malibu, just as Al Quadea would like to knock down more of our buildings,but Malibu takes measures to ensure they wouldn't be successful if they tried it. No one feels the need to send the Malibu police into South Centraland arrest or kill every gang member; that would be impossible. As is the idea that we can kill or capture every "terrorist." And it is possible tobring gang members into society, and terrorists, too.

But this is a country where millions cheered when Rick Warren asked McCain what to do about evil, and he said "Defeat it."

You could wipe out evil by the end of your first term, Senator, or would it take two?

DNC

2008-08-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

Monday of this week I spent in Denver for the opening day of the Democratic convention, and it was both exhilarating and depressing. It brought to my mind all the ambivalence I’ve had about the Democratic Party my whole adult life. My parents were staunch, true-blue, Kennedy loving Democrats, and I love that about them. I loved walking among the crowd and knowing, wow, all these people, and all day long I’m not going to run into anyone who disagrees with me on the basics. Maybe it’s even deeper than that, its tribal. I could never bring myself to call myself a Democrat (I’m an Independent) because their party is so tepid in either their belief or in the follow through on so many issues that should be Democratic, I feel no one really is expressing what my platform would be if I was king. Democratic politicians don’t talk about shrinking the military budget, ending corporate welfare, ending the drug war, etc.
But as a tribe, I know when I’m with my own. Their hearts are just more in the right place according to how I was raised. And I wish the party and the country were the more decent party and country they were in my parent’s heyday, and I could fully embrace my tribes as they did. But things are different.
In one of my favorite movies, “In the Line of Fire” Clint Eastwood as the Secret Service agent who 30 years earlier had failed to protect JFK and is now slipping protecting the current president, is at one point confronted about the day in Dallas when his and Kennedy’s lives intertwined forever – and he says “I was different! He was different! The whole country was different…” and then something really cool I can’t quite remember, but somebody should look it up.

Olympics

2008-08-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

I guess I should be nicer about the Olympics, but they just strike me as countries spending so much money and time and human sacrifice for bragging rights to what? We beat you in gym class. Right, so that means we’re a better country. Here’s how we approached the last go round in 2004.

George Carlin

2008-08-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

George Carlin was an inspiration to me when I was a kid thinking about becoming a comedian, and he remained one till the day he died. He had incredible timing, but not in death – he was about to receive the Mark Twain award at the Kennedy Center Honors, and still will, and I’m honored to be one of the comedians inducting him. Here’s something from the last time I saw him.