Friday, August 21st, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 21st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Apparently they’re going to have a “run-off” election. In Afghanistan, that’s when the Taliban shows up and everyone runs off.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It’s not easy holding an election in a country where 70 percent of the population is functionally illiterate. But hey, if we can do it in this country every four years…
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Apparently it’s no longer enough to be screaming as they’ve been doing at the town hall meetings, they’re now, have you seen this, bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Stupid is a pre-existing condition.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
What advice would you give to kids today who want to break into Atheism?
- Bill Maher to Sam Harris, author of “The End of Faith”
You get the government you deserve.
- Jay Leno
You know who the best journalists are? The ones who used to do it.
- Chuck Todd
By the time I get there, it’ll be worthless. It’s in 4th place.
- Jay Leno about NBC
You prevent future torture by prosecuting past acts of torture.
- Jeremy Scahill
You’re constantly letting these officials off the hook on the fact that Obama’s continuing some of the worst of Bush’s policies when it comes to foreign affairs.
- Jeremy Scahill referring to the media
New Rule: Either bury Michael Jackson’s body, or send it out on that concert tour. Earlier this week, Joe Jackson said Michael would be buried at the end of the month, and now that’s been postponed. I don’t know what’s creepier, the fact that he’s going to spend eternity as a Zombie or that he saw it coming.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. You’re lucky it doesn’t have gravy on it. Besides, if it weren’t for the coke, a dollar wouldn’t have any value at all.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: When you make the runners pee in a cup to check for drugs, you must also check to see if they’re peeing standing up. A South African runner has been ordered to undergo a test to determine if she’s really a woman. Which is fine, but if we’re really interested in testing which track star is what gender shouldn’t we start with Bruce Jenner?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should look into Lasik surgery. You know, there’s the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it’s a great nation—especially if you like fried foods—but it also has its faults. And then there’s the modern-day Republican view: that America is infallible and pure in every way, and the Founders made a mistake when they wrote the phrase “In order to form a more perfect union.” Hello, it’s already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Jay Leno, Rep. Jan Schakowsky, Chuck Todd, Sam Harris, and Jeremy Scahill.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
New Rule: No Shame in Being the Sorry Party
New Rule: If Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin all think America has never done anything wrong, we must be doing something wrong. Look at them: an empty suit, an empty heart and an empty head. It looks like the news team on Good Morning Hell. And what they've been competing about lately is who would not apologize the most. America is infallible, and apologies are horrible things that must never, ever be given. Except by me when I make a joke about the Pope. "We're perfect -- deal with it," is their new handshake. But I say, what's wrong with America occasionally saying, "I'm sorry"? Because these are the three sorriest white people I've ever seen.
If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should really look into Lasik surgery. There's the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it's a great nation -- especially if you like fried foods -- but it also has its faults. And then there's the Republican view: that it's perfect and pure in every way and it's always right all the time, just like Leviticus and Ronald Reagan.
If the founders were alive today, Republicans would be giving them shit because the Declaration of Independence says, "In order to form a more perfect union? Hello, it's already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"
One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that Obama is always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush. Who was one of America's biggest mistakes.
In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "
But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism." Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.
In her farewell speech -- if only -- Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?
When did intractability become a virtue? Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. You can find it at Borders, in the "Suck-Up" section. It's such a perfect title, combining paranoia with arrogance: "No one has yet asked me to apologize but, if someone ever does, fuck them."
Conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal pussies do, when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When in fact it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize. Apologies are actually a sign of strength. That's why six-year-olds hate them.
In Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.
Apologies can do great things, and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex.
If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should really look into Lasik surgery. There's the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it's a great nation -- especially if you like fried foods -- but it also has its faults. And then there's the Republican view: that it's perfect and pure in every way and it's always right all the time, just like Leviticus and Ronald Reagan.
If the founders were alive today, Republicans would be giving them shit because the Declaration of Independence says, "In order to form a more perfect union? Hello, it's already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"
One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that Obama is always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush. Who was one of America's biggest mistakes.
In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "
But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism." Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.
In her farewell speech -- if only -- Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?
When did intractability become a virtue? Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. You can find it at Borders, in the "Suck-Up" section. It's such a perfect title, combining paranoia with arrogance: "No one has yet asked me to apologize but, if someone ever does, fuck them."
Conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal pussies do, when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When in fact it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize. Apologies are actually a sign of strength. That's why six-year-olds hate them.
In Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.
Apologies can do great things, and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - AUGUST 14 2009
Friday, August 14th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 14th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Even after Obama took time out to painstakingly explain that there were no death panels, Sarah Palin fired back with a resounding ‘nut uh.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It does seem to me a tad ironic that she’s [Sarah Palin] so against killing old people considering she’s the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
One way to tell your party is a bunch of pussies is when you are bullied by a chick on Facebook.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
We ought to change our motto from E Pluribus Unum to I Am Sam.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the intelligence of the American people
Michael Vick is back in the NFL. He said today he never killed any dogs. He was merely counseling them on end of life issues.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
You have to be either brave or stupid.
- Brad Pitt on why guests appear on “Real Time with Bill Maher”
Don’t you think that having the experience the Clintons went through and understanding that this was going to be controversial, they should have initiated an information campaign upfront so they could have pre-empted many of these arguments, these stories and these falsehoods?
- Anthony Zinni on Obama’s ill-prepared roll out of the new Health Care Bill
Nobody was calling the UK and Canada, who both have free health care or public health care; we weren’t calling them socialists when we were asking them to come help fight a war in Iraq and Afghanistan for freedom and democracy.
- Ashton Kutcher
We have reached a point where the Republican Party is down to such a core that the special interest groups aren’t actually that interested in the Republican Party anymore.
- Ross Douthat
Declaring war on terrorism would have been like Woodrow Wilson declaring war on U-boat attacks. It is a tactic and is ridiculous and so we were chasing the symptom of a greater problem.
- Anthony Zinni
New Rule: Stop acting shocked that a guy who made his living selling chemicals died of a drug overdose. He sold a white powder that solves all your problems really, really fast. The only difference between cocaine and Oxyclean is cocaine worked.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If you’re stuck on a plane that’s not moving for more than five hours, you get to punch a baby.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were General Anthony Zinni, Ashton Kutcher, Ross Douthat, Dana Gould and Brad Pitt.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 14th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Even after Obama took time out to painstakingly explain that there were no death panels, Sarah Palin fired back with a resounding ‘nut uh.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It does seem to me a tad ironic that she’s [Sarah Palin] so against killing old people considering she’s the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
One way to tell your party is a bunch of pussies is when you are bullied by a chick on Facebook.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
We ought to change our motto from E Pluribus Unum to I Am Sam.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the intelligence of the American people
Michael Vick is back in the NFL. He said today he never killed any dogs. He was merely counseling them on end of life issues.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
You have to be either brave or stupid.
- Brad Pitt on why guests appear on “Real Time with Bill Maher”
Don’t you think that having the experience the Clintons went through and understanding that this was going to be controversial, they should have initiated an information campaign upfront so they could have pre-empted many of these arguments, these stories and these falsehoods?
- Anthony Zinni on Obama’s ill-prepared roll out of the new Health Care Bill
Nobody was calling the UK and Canada, who both have free health care or public health care; we weren’t calling them socialists when we were asking them to come help fight a war in Iraq and Afghanistan for freedom and democracy.
- Ashton Kutcher
We have reached a point where the Republican Party is down to such a core that the special interest groups aren’t actually that interested in the Republican Party anymore.
- Ross Douthat
Declaring war on terrorism would have been like Woodrow Wilson declaring war on U-boat attacks. It is a tactic and is ridiculous and so we were chasing the symptom of a greater problem.
- Anthony Zinni
New Rule: Stop acting shocked that a guy who made his living selling chemicals died of a drug overdose. He sold a white powder that solves all your problems really, really fast. The only difference between cocaine and Oxyclean is cocaine worked.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If you’re stuck on a plane that’s not moving for more than five hours, you get to punch a baby.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were General Anthony Zinni, Ashton Kutcher, Ross Douthat, Dana Gould and Brad Pitt.
Friday, August 14, 2009
New Rule: A-hole in One Shouldn't Be Obama's Game
New Rule: President Obama must give up that awful habit that sets such a bad example for young people. I'm talking, of course ... about golf.
Golf, if you're not familiar, is a pastime where you basically walk outdoors with a bag, muttering and cursing. It's like being homeless in loud pants. Anyway, Time magazine is reporting that since he became president, Barack Obama has taken up golf with a passion, playing almost every weekend for the past few months -- and I feel betrayed. He campaigned as a basketball player. It said to us, "I'm urban and athletic and hip and a team player." Golf says, "I like Lipitor and white collar crime." And it's not just golf -- he's been purposefully eating a lot of hamburgers in public lately, to prove he loves meat. And he said that, unlike before he became president, he prays all the time now and that his Faith and Neighbor Initiatives Director sends him scripture on his Blackberry to start every day. Jesus, is there something about that house that turns people into assholes?
I kid the Commander in Chief, he's very far from an asshole, he's a cool dude, and I want to keep him that way! I don't want a regular guy running the country. We tried that for eight years and New Orleans still smells like mildew. Obama was different. He wasn't Joe Six-Pack. He had a six-pack. And when he gave a speech it didn't make English teachers cry. He wasn't some regular schmuck who spent five hours a weekend on the golf course. Why? Because he actually likes his family!
But Democrats have this bad habit of letting the Republicans scare them into acting more "regular guy" than they really are, and then they look inauthentic. Like Hillary drinking shooters. Like Dukakis in the tank. So I'm putting you on notice, Barack Obama: you're from Chicago, the day I see you in a duck blind, I'm taking my hope elsewhere.
So that's why I'm so worried when I see my president playing golf, because golf is a slippery slope. First comes the golf attire, then the golf stories and pretty soon you're telling black jokes. What's worse is that you know Obama doesn't really wanna be golfing, he's just doing it because he thinks it will relax the white people. "How could I be a socialist, I'm putting!" Well, I've got news for you, Mr. President, the people who think you want to kill their Great Aunt Millie aren't going to be swayed by a photo-op on the golf course. They see those photos, they're not thinking you're just like Tiger Woods, they're thinking, "Here comes the Angel of Death, and he's got a nine iron."
There is also a more serious side to this, because golf, hamburgers, and religion are all things that are incredibly bad for the environment. According to the U.N., in 15 years almost two billion people will be living in conditions of absolute water scarcity. And yet, a golf course in Palm Springs consumes as much water per day as an American family uses in four years. Golf courses in America consume over 114 million gallons of water a year on grass that doesn't even get you high. Golf courses also need large quantities of fertilizers and pesticides whose run-off pollutes the ground water for miles around.
This isn't just a third world problem -- there's a water shortage right now in the western United States. If I surpass my monthly water allotment here in Los Angeles, I'll get fined by the city. If I do it twice, they'll send 40,000 prisoners to live in my backyard.
But when it comes to bad for the environment, nothing -- literally -- compares with eating meat. The business of raising animals for food causes about 40 percent more global warming than all cars, trucks, and planes combined. If you care about the planet, it's actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.
There was a news story last week about the U.S. military warning America that the ripple effects from global warming inspired disasters could kill millions of people, but none of them can moonwalk, so nobody gave a shit. But if this "planet" problem is so dire the military is saying they're going to have to start dealing with it, maybe the president should set a better example about how we just can't live exactly as we always have and survive. I'm certainly not suggesting that we "take away" your golf or your hamburgers, but when it comes to being a role model on the environment, this president is out to lunch. With Joe Biden, eating greaseburgers.
Which is a shame, because he and his wife have demonstrated enormous power to lead by example. What they do, Americans want to do, because they're stars, and we're star-fuckers! And, like I said last week, we're not very bright, so we need direction -- if Obama grabbed Biden for lunch next week and ordered a veggie burger -- yes, Sean Hannity will call him a mincing fairy, like he did when Obama used mustard instead of ketchup -- like I ever knew one was more manly than the other. Stop caring what Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin will say about you. Be who you really are - a basketball playing, Jay-Z listening, city-dwelling hipster. The only sand trap I want to see you get out of is Afghanistan. And next time you have to get two guys over for a beer, smoke a little weed.
Guests on this week's program include Brad Pitt, Dana Gould, Ashton Kutcher, General Anthony Zinni and Ross Douthat.
Golf, if you're not familiar, is a pastime where you basically walk outdoors with a bag, muttering and cursing. It's like being homeless in loud pants. Anyway, Time magazine is reporting that since he became president, Barack Obama has taken up golf with a passion, playing almost every weekend for the past few months -- and I feel betrayed. He campaigned as a basketball player. It said to us, "I'm urban and athletic and hip and a team player." Golf says, "I like Lipitor and white collar crime." And it's not just golf -- he's been purposefully eating a lot of hamburgers in public lately, to prove he loves meat. And he said that, unlike before he became president, he prays all the time now and that his Faith and Neighbor Initiatives Director sends him scripture on his Blackberry to start every day. Jesus, is there something about that house that turns people into assholes?
I kid the Commander in Chief, he's very far from an asshole, he's a cool dude, and I want to keep him that way! I don't want a regular guy running the country. We tried that for eight years and New Orleans still smells like mildew. Obama was different. He wasn't Joe Six-Pack. He had a six-pack. And when he gave a speech it didn't make English teachers cry. He wasn't some regular schmuck who spent five hours a weekend on the golf course. Why? Because he actually likes his family!
But Democrats have this bad habit of letting the Republicans scare them into acting more "regular guy" than they really are, and then they look inauthentic. Like Hillary drinking shooters. Like Dukakis in the tank. So I'm putting you on notice, Barack Obama: you're from Chicago, the day I see you in a duck blind, I'm taking my hope elsewhere.
So that's why I'm so worried when I see my president playing golf, because golf is a slippery slope. First comes the golf attire, then the golf stories and pretty soon you're telling black jokes. What's worse is that you know Obama doesn't really wanna be golfing, he's just doing it because he thinks it will relax the white people. "How could I be a socialist, I'm putting!" Well, I've got news for you, Mr. President, the people who think you want to kill their Great Aunt Millie aren't going to be swayed by a photo-op on the golf course. They see those photos, they're not thinking you're just like Tiger Woods, they're thinking, "Here comes the Angel of Death, and he's got a nine iron."
There is also a more serious side to this, because golf, hamburgers, and religion are all things that are incredibly bad for the environment. According to the U.N., in 15 years almost two billion people will be living in conditions of absolute water scarcity. And yet, a golf course in Palm Springs consumes as much water per day as an American family uses in four years. Golf courses in America consume over 114 million gallons of water a year on grass that doesn't even get you high. Golf courses also need large quantities of fertilizers and pesticides whose run-off pollutes the ground water for miles around.
This isn't just a third world problem -- there's a water shortage right now in the western United States. If I surpass my monthly water allotment here in Los Angeles, I'll get fined by the city. If I do it twice, they'll send 40,000 prisoners to live in my backyard.
But when it comes to bad for the environment, nothing -- literally -- compares with eating meat. The business of raising animals for food causes about 40 percent more global warming than all cars, trucks, and planes combined. If you care about the planet, it's actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.
There was a news story last week about the U.S. military warning America that the ripple effects from global warming inspired disasters could kill millions of people, but none of them can moonwalk, so nobody gave a shit. But if this "planet" problem is so dire the military is saying they're going to have to start dealing with it, maybe the president should set a better example about how we just can't live exactly as we always have and survive. I'm certainly not suggesting that we "take away" your golf or your hamburgers, but when it comes to being a role model on the environment, this president is out to lunch. With Joe Biden, eating greaseburgers.
Which is a shame, because he and his wife have demonstrated enormous power to lead by example. What they do, Americans want to do, because they're stars, and we're star-fuckers! And, like I said last week, we're not very bright, so we need direction -- if Obama grabbed Biden for lunch next week and ordered a veggie burger -- yes, Sean Hannity will call him a mincing fairy, like he did when Obama used mustard instead of ketchup -- like I ever knew one was more manly than the other. Stop caring what Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin will say about you. Be who you really are - a basketball playing, Jay-Z listening, city-dwelling hipster. The only sand trap I want to see you get out of is Afghanistan. And next time you have to get two guys over for a beer, smoke a little weed.
Guests on this week's program include Brad Pitt, Dana Gould, Ashton Kutcher, General Anthony Zinni and Ross Douthat.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - AUGUST 7 2009
Friday, August 7th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 7th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Have you seen what’s going on with these Town Halls? I don’t want to say they’re out of control. But they’re starting to show them on ESPN.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
I hate what’s happening in this country when I look at this. White people in Town Halls acting like black people in movie theaters.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
He’s [Obama] getting testy about these protesters. The other day he said if I want to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged I’ll ask Joe Biden a yes or no question.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop trying to make Radio Shack cool. Radio Shack, the shopping destination for people too socially awkward for Best Buy, is changing its name to The Shack. Maybe they’ll be like Abercrombie & Fitch, and have a shirtless guy standing in the doorway holding a surge protector. Admit it, Radio Shack: you’re not even a store, you’re just where immigrants go to learn English before getting a real job at 7-11.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Don’t hit on women at your wife’s funeral. Especially if you’re their dad. Vanity Fair reports that Ryan O’Neal accidentally tried to pick up his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, giving a whole new meaning to the line: “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” When you see family at a funeral, think: “bury the hatchet.” Not “hide the salami.”
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
And finally New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. Now, a couple of weeks ago I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn’t put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with emails and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were really mad because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of all, Bill O’Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which A) proves my point, and B) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Jack Kingston, Congressman Darrell Issa, Dr. David Scheiner and Arianna Huffington.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 7th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Have you seen what’s going on with these Town Halls? I don’t want to say they’re out of control. But they’re starting to show them on ESPN.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
I hate what’s happening in this country when I look at this. White people in Town Halls acting like black people in movie theaters.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
He’s [Obama] getting testy about these protesters. The other day he said if I want to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged I’ll ask Joe Biden a yes or no question.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop trying to make Radio Shack cool. Radio Shack, the shopping destination for people too socially awkward for Best Buy, is changing its name to The Shack. Maybe they’ll be like Abercrombie & Fitch, and have a shirtless guy standing in the doorway holding a surge protector. Admit it, Radio Shack: you’re not even a store, you’re just where immigrants go to learn English before getting a real job at 7-11.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Don’t hit on women at your wife’s funeral. Especially if you’re their dad. Vanity Fair reports that Ryan O’Neal accidentally tried to pick up his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, giving a whole new meaning to the line: “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” When you see family at a funeral, think: “bury the hatchet.” Not “hide the salami.”
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
And finally New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. Now, a couple of weeks ago I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn’t put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with emails and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were really mad because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of all, Bill O’Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which A) proves my point, and B) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Jack Kingston, Congressman Darrell Issa, Dr. David Scheiner and Arianna Huffington.
Friday, August 7, 2009
New Rule: Smart President ≠ Smart Country
New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A few weeks ago I was asked by Wolf Blitzer if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn't put anything past this stupid country. It was amazing - in the minute or so between my calling America stupid and the end of the Cialis commercial, CNN was flooded with furious emails and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were really mad because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! It's how they get the blood circulating when the Cialis wears off. Worst of all, Bill O'Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which A) proves my point, and B) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.
Now, the hate mail all seemed to have a running theme: that I may live in a stupid country, but they lived in the greatest country on earth, and that perhaps I should move to another country, like Somalia. Well, the joke's on them because I happen to have a summer home in Somalia... and no I can't show you an original copy of my birth certificate because Woody Harrelson spilled bong water on it.
And before I go about demonstrating how, sadly, easy it is to prove the dumbness dragging down our country, let me just say that ignorance has life and death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq War, 69% of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Four years later, 34% still did. Or take the health care debate we're presently having: members of Congress have recessed now so they can go home and "listen to their constituents." An urge they should resist because their constituents don't know anything. At a recent town-hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his Congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare," which is kind of like driving cross country to protest highways.
I'm the bad guy for saying it's a stupid country, yet polls show that a majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. 24% could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don't know what's in Roe v. Wade. Two-thirds don't know what the Food and Drug Administration does. Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive. You know, like the way the Slumdog kid knew about cricket.
Not here. Nearly half of Americans don't know that states have two senators and more than half can't name their congressman. And among Republican governors, only 30% got their wife's name right on the first try.
Sarah Palin says she would never apologize for America. Even though a Gallup poll says 18% of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth. No, they're not stupid. They're interplanetary mavericks. A third of Republicans believe Obama is not a citizen, and a third of Democrats believe that George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks, which is an absurd sentence because it contains the words "Bush" and "knowledge."
People bitch and moan about taxes and spending, but they have no idea what their government spends money on. The average voter thinks foreign aid consumes 24% of our federal budget. It's actually less than 1%. And don't even ask about cabinet members: seven in ten think Napolitano is a kind of three-flavored ice cream. And last election, a full one-third of voters forgot why they were in the booth, handed out their pants, and asked, "Do you have these in a relaxed-fit?"
And I haven't even brought up America's religious beliefs. But here's one fun fact you can take away: did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which one came first.
And these are the idiots we want to weigh in on the minutia of health care policy? Please, this country is like a college chick after two Long Island Iced Teas: we can be talked into anything, like wars, and we can be talked out of anything, like health care. We should forget town halls, and replace them with study halls. There's a lot of populist anger directed towards Washington, but you know who concerned citizens should be most angry at? Their fellow citizens. "Inside the beltway" thinking may be wrong, but at least it's thinking, which is more than you can say for what's going on outside the beltway.
And if you want to call me an elitist for this, I say thank you. Yes, I want decisions made by an elite group of people who know what they're talking about. That means Obama budget director Peter Orszag, not Sarah Palin.
Which is the way our founding fathers wanted it. James Madison wrote that "pure democracy" doesn't work because "there is nothing to check... an obnoxious individual." Then, in the margins, he doodled a picture of Joe the Plumber.
Until we admit there are things we don't know, we can't even start asking the questions to find out. Until we admit that America can make a mistake, we can't stop the next one. A smart guy named Chesterton once said: "My country, right or wrong is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying... It is like saying 'My mother, drunk or sober.'" To which most Americans would respond: "Are you calling my mother a drunk?"
Now, the hate mail all seemed to have a running theme: that I may live in a stupid country, but they lived in the greatest country on earth, and that perhaps I should move to another country, like Somalia. Well, the joke's on them because I happen to have a summer home in Somalia... and no I can't show you an original copy of my birth certificate because Woody Harrelson spilled bong water on it.
And before I go about demonstrating how, sadly, easy it is to prove the dumbness dragging down our country, let me just say that ignorance has life and death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq War, 69% of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Four years later, 34% still did. Or take the health care debate we're presently having: members of Congress have recessed now so they can go home and "listen to their constituents." An urge they should resist because their constituents don't know anything. At a recent town-hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his Congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare," which is kind of like driving cross country to protest highways.
I'm the bad guy for saying it's a stupid country, yet polls show that a majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. 24% could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don't know what's in Roe v. Wade. Two-thirds don't know what the Food and Drug Administration does. Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive. You know, like the way the Slumdog kid knew about cricket.
Not here. Nearly half of Americans don't know that states have two senators and more than half can't name their congressman. And among Republican governors, only 30% got their wife's name right on the first try.
Sarah Palin says she would never apologize for America. Even though a Gallup poll says 18% of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth. No, they're not stupid. They're interplanetary mavericks. A third of Republicans believe Obama is not a citizen, and a third of Democrats believe that George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks, which is an absurd sentence because it contains the words "Bush" and "knowledge."
People bitch and moan about taxes and spending, but they have no idea what their government spends money on. The average voter thinks foreign aid consumes 24% of our federal budget. It's actually less than 1%. And don't even ask about cabinet members: seven in ten think Napolitano is a kind of three-flavored ice cream. And last election, a full one-third of voters forgot why they were in the booth, handed out their pants, and asked, "Do you have these in a relaxed-fit?"
And I haven't even brought up America's religious beliefs. But here's one fun fact you can take away: did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which one came first.
And these are the idiots we want to weigh in on the minutia of health care policy? Please, this country is like a college chick after two Long Island Iced Teas: we can be talked into anything, like wars, and we can be talked out of anything, like health care. We should forget town halls, and replace them with study halls. There's a lot of populist anger directed towards Washington, but you know who concerned citizens should be most angry at? Their fellow citizens. "Inside the beltway" thinking may be wrong, but at least it's thinking, which is more than you can say for what's going on outside the beltway.
And if you want to call me an elitist for this, I say thank you. Yes, I want decisions made by an elite group of people who know what they're talking about. That means Obama budget director Peter Orszag, not Sarah Palin.
Which is the way our founding fathers wanted it. James Madison wrote that "pure democracy" doesn't work because "there is nothing to check... an obnoxious individual." Then, in the margins, he doodled a picture of Joe the Plumber.
Until we admit there are things we don't know, we can't even start asking the questions to find out. Until we admit that America can make a mistake, we can't stop the next one. A smart guy named Chesterton once said: "My country, right or wrong is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying... It is like saying 'My mother, drunk or sober.'" To which most Americans would respond: "Are you calling my mother a drunk?"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - JULY 31 2009
Friday, July 31st, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 31st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy: racism is over and we did it with a beer
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue
There was one little awkward moment. When he arrived at the White House,he got out of the car,and he threw Obama his keys.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Sergeant Crowley
You can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in on a new gas-guzzling clunker.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about “cash for clunkers”
I think its great that we have a President who we can see having a beer cause he isn’t a dry drunk.
-Bill Maher
My great fear is that Congress is gonna get power over the Fed. That’s the nightmare scenario. We have those crazy people on the hill starting to control American policy. Then I really will go back to Britain.
-Harvard Professor Niall Ferguson who is British
He is Michael Jordan playing on a bad team. There’s nobody to pass the ball to.
-Bill Maher about President Obama and Congress
I think we should airlift all the women out of Afghanistan for 40 years so that the Taliban can’t reproduce and then bring them back and start from scratch.
-Joe Queenan
It’s funny for me to be asked to speak on behalf of women.
-Rachel Maddow
FROM THE NEW RULES SEGMENT
New Rule: From now on, to save valuable airtime, news outlets must only report when a ballplayer is discovered to be not on steroids.
-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. For the past couple of weeks we’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”—the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really born in Hawaii and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, Miss California Carrie Prejean. And there’s nothing you can do to convince these people—you could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate, with the placenta, and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background and they still wouldn’t believe it.
-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Rachel Maddow, Niall Ferguson, Joe Queenan, Michael Ware and Jeff Sharlet.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 31st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy: racism is over and we did it with a beer
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue
There was one little awkward moment. When he arrived at the White House,he got out of the car,and he threw Obama his keys.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Sergeant Crowley
You can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in on a new gas-guzzling clunker.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about “cash for clunkers”
I think its great that we have a President who we can see having a beer cause he isn’t a dry drunk.
-Bill Maher
My great fear is that Congress is gonna get power over the Fed. That’s the nightmare scenario. We have those crazy people on the hill starting to control American policy. Then I really will go back to Britain.
-Harvard Professor Niall Ferguson who is British
He is Michael Jordan playing on a bad team. There’s nobody to pass the ball to.
-Bill Maher about President Obama and Congress
I think we should airlift all the women out of Afghanistan for 40 years so that the Taliban can’t reproduce and then bring them back and start from scratch.
-Joe Queenan
It’s funny for me to be asked to speak on behalf of women.
-Rachel Maddow
FROM THE NEW RULES SEGMENT
New Rule: From now on, to save valuable airtime, news outlets must only report when a ballplayer is discovered to be not on steroids.
-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. For the past couple of weeks we’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”—the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really born in Hawaii and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, Miss California Carrie Prejean. And there’s nothing you can do to convince these people—you could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate, with the placenta, and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background and they still wouldn’t believe it.
-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Rachel Maddow, Niall Ferguson, Joe Queenan, Michael Ware and Jeff Sharlet.
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