Tuesday, May 25, 2010

New Rule: The Republican Leadership in America Must Produce Their Birth Certificates

New Rule: The Republican leadership in America must produce their birth certificates! Not because I doubt they're Americans, I just want to make sure they're not eight-years-old. I mention this because a major talking point on Fox News and hate radio these days is that, after a year and a half of Obama, it's time to bring the "adults" back into power, so they can rein in our deficit, defeat terrorism, and focus on America's real enemy: cleaning ladies in Arizona. But I must protest the premise, because conservatives are the ones who tend to believe in magical ideas, like: America is never wrong; you can defeat terrorism militarily; and lower taxes will somehow fix the deficit. And I'm not even mentioning the stuff about how Jesus used to fly around on a pterodactyl and just hated it when homos ate wedding cake.

Now, am I saying there are no adults in today's Republican Party? Absolutely not, there are -- but like a lot of parents today, the adults let their kids cow them. And silence them. And rule over them. Rush Limbaugh is a child, a primal scream of a man, but he gets his way because he's the fat bully on the playground; and Glenn Beck is the weepy kid who's always crying because he's insane and you don't know what he's going to do and who he's going to take with him.

For example: to solve our debt crisis, a bunch of Republican senators suggested a bipartisan debt commission, which is the adult thing to do. But when Obama agreed to it, immediately seven of them said no -- now they're against it. Because Obama has cooties. Democrats have cooties, so you can't vote with them, or work with them, and compromise is treason. Compare this to England, where they just had an election two weeks ago and, power changed hands -- but the party that lost is working WITH the part that won -- they are not accusing them of being Bolshevik Zulus out to destroy the Magna Carta. Because the English are grown ups, including their conservatives who enjoy a wonderful luxury that conservatives on this side of the pond do not. They're allowed to be sane. They don't have to pander to creationists and anti-intellectuals. Only in this dumb country do liberals and conservatives argue over things like "evolution" and "climate change" and whether "sick people should be left to die in the street."

The conservative who won in England, David Cameron, was asked if he's religious, and he said, "I don't feel I have a direct line." That's right, he distanced himself from God. If Obama did that we wouldn't see him again until neighbors called the cops about the smell. Conservatives in England don't care about the 3 Gs -- God, guns and gays -- that tilt so many elections in America. And they don't get their policy ideas from TV shows, like 24. You never hear a Brit say, "I'm for torture because it worked on The Avengers."

The Washington Post said David Cameron won by running as a sort of "anti-Sarah Palin." Let those words settle in: "anti-Sarah Palin." They feel so good coming out of my mouth it's like I bit into a refreshing burst of civilization.

Finally, one hallmark of not being adult is a tendency to exaggerate. Like this week when Newt Gingrich said "the Obama administration represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did." Which is basically saying Obama is a billion times worse than any president ever! No, he's infinity times worse!

And it made me think: were we this deranged when Bush was in office? I don't think so -- and Bush merited it: We once did a sketch on this show where we sold George Bush fuck-up collector plates, which included: starting and mismanaging the Iraq War, not catching Bin Laden, Katrina, Abu Ghraib, transforming a budgetary surplus into a giant debt, not doing anything about global warming, sitting on his ass on 9/11, outing Valerie Plame, firing federal prosecutors for political reasons, nominating Harriet Miers, Terri Schiavo, trying to sell the ports to the Arabs...I mean, giant, tangible horrific fuckups that Obama could never equal.

Although with the way he's solving this oil spill, he's off to a good start.

50 comments:

pat rowell said...

If our government spent more time and money securing our borders, than those of foreign nations,wen might not have such a probem. We have freedomized ourselves into a second rate country. No one is responsible for anything, and the excuses for the excesses of this country are boundless and run the scale of lunacy to a new high. So yes I'd like to see birth papers on all of them, R & D alike., (Not for nothing....but all of their birth certificates should be in the personnel files anyway., they are government employees.
The country has shown itself for what it is. Incompetent, Intolerant, and Corrupt. Our President has been met with the wall of racism that still flourishes here. What should have been the crowning achievement of America's promise and boast of equality and achievement, has sparked a covert civil war led by the morons of political society. Shame on America, and by the way; YOUR papers please....P Rowell

Anonymous said...

Bill,
Before you continue to cut down Arizona's new law, on imagration,
check out the federal law, and California has the same law and was inacted along time ago. People
should look alittle harder, before they open there mouths.

Willy said...

I always appreciate what you have to say Bill.

Thank you.

Micah D.L. said...

Bill, your thoughts are much appreciated. Thanks!

Anonymous, in order to be taken seriously, you may consider spell checking and/or running some grammar edits.

SteneB said...

I think it would be good for your show to include at least one guest occasionally that is from another region of the world - Europe, Asia, Africa etc. This to firstly introduce the concept of thinking people outside of the USA and secondly to allow the US citizens to get some additional perspectives and views.

Orlow (Russian with a very good sense of humor could be one interesting participant - perhaps best in one of your one-to-one shows).

I try to see / hear your show from Sweden. Nice job, even though our style of debate and approaches are a bit different.

Take care, all the best…

Stene

Anonymous said...

Obama campaigns in California for Barbara Boxer while the Gulf of Mexico is destroyed by a big contributor to dems and repubs. And his supporters say "what can Obama do"? Yes, I know... it's Bush's fault and Obama doesn't know how to plug a well. I am sick of this crush on Obama everyone has. What can Obama do? How about stop campaigning and get to the gulf and help cut through the government red tape. Get these people some money from BP now to clean up now. Tell BP they will never drill again in the gulf if they don't do the right thing NOW. These people have no help from the Government. I think Government hoped we wouldn't notice. Now I know why Arizona became such a hot topic all of a sudden. Did you know there was another deep water well in the Atlantic that went for 2 years and no one said anything! Google top 10 oil spills. This is not OK! It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that this guy is no different than Bush. He just spends more money and talks a better story.

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Scott said...

I've said it for years--Republicans clearly have missed MANY days of kindergarten, and Bush is a prime example of the lessons he and they missed:

how to play nice with others
how to solve problems peacefully (Iraq)
don't tell lies (WMDs, etc, etc)
don't break promises
don't swipe other peoples' stuff
don't call people names (Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh)
share (tax policy, McCain's plans to cut socsec and give the money to the rich)
don't make messes (Iraq, Katrina, etc, etc)
clean up your own messes (how Bush left things for Obama)
put the toilet seat down (ditto)
make friends and work with even people different from you (gay marriage policy, DADT, party of NO, etc)
be quiet and behave while in class (Joe Wilson)
don't use bad words (Cheney, Coulter, etc)
and on and on and on...

Anonymous said...

Here's something for Republicans to sit on, other than the barbed wire!. Bill, I'm trying to draw positive attention to a grass roots movement that speaks out for the glbt community called AmericanFaggot.com.

Please, I know you're a comedian, but this is serious, and we would love to get your help in gaining good and positive exposure.

- Stone Wall
http://www.americanfaggot.com

FreedomTweet said...

Bill, you offer the most accurate, insightful, political commentary around. Consistent and dependable.

Tonight, you told Reporter Philippe Cousteau people just don't care about Top Kill and environmental impacts.

I care. I may be just one fed-up Democrat, but I care.

www.FreedomTweet.blogspot.com.

Luckie.

Anonymous said...

The Brownshirt mentality of the Republican Party never ceases to amaze me. Logic and reason are no hindrence to an undying hatred of all things not endorsed by Rush Limbaugh. ..... This is the fruit of allowing the Right Wingnuts of a generation ago meddle with the curriculum and budget of public education. We are dumber for it by any measure, and clearly the reason why Fox News ("We decide, you repeat") is so popular with the barely literate. ..... Like Pogo said long ago, "We have met the enemy, and he is us!"

johnt81003 said...

The "wall" is/will represent the greatest failure of democracy, christianity, and capitalism! We will spend 10 billion dollars on a 2 billion dollar wall so that we won't loose 1 billion dollars to illegals getting health care and less than minimum wages. Mexico is a christian, capitalistic, democratic country, if anything our prodigy,, and we are building a wall between us? wow The real issue worldwide is the lack of understanding that there isn't enough jobs for everyone and that nessitates welfare states. What we need is a "happy" (survivable) apocalypse to help us understand that humanity's survival is our core goal and the basis of a secular ethic. We need to stop that asteroid from hitting us in 10 years so governments can print money without borrowing. If a government controls 70%? of the economy (triple the number of teachers, police, pay people to go to college, etc,,) it can control inflation tendencies and yes,, you will need to take cash out of the system too,,, taxes on anything over $100,000 incomes.

johnt81003 said...

yao,,, I just had a heated discussion with a bud who tried to tell me Obama has a socialist agenda.. Did Obama push the public option? hardly. Did he socialize the banks,, probably a good idea but never mentioned. Has he declared a need to end poverty, hard to come up with non-socialist ideas to do so. After getting burned by 2 churches he attented did he say a lot of the world's problems would go away if governments were more secular,, like most socialist countries? Wasn't the first thing he was going to do was take away our guns, like those flukn socialist countries? Next time someone tells you Obama is a socialist kick that person in the crawtch and tell him it's ok to do so because he needs mo larn'n.

Floyd M. Orr said...

That's not the only birth certificate we need to see.

http://palinbabygate.blogspot.com/

FireBillMaher said...

Bill Maher is a communist. He put down our soldiers, and laughed when our great country fell under attack on september 11th 2001. Maybe we should repeal Bill Maher.

Cary said...

I'm commenting on something heard on the radio today and this is a fine example of the far left. Bill stated that 60% of Americans don't believe in evolution and that you can't get 60% of Americans to agree on anything so we should be dragged into this new Obamacare whether we like it or not.

Well, since a "transitional" species has never been found in the fossil record, and in now way can subtraction deletion, and yes even insertion into the genome so far has never been shown to give additional useful information. Remember from biology that change to the genome can occur from many different causes but to be passed on they must be in the gametes sperm or egg and since the female is born with all the eggs she will ever have the chances of those being changed is minimal and she must find a partner with the same change to give close to 75% chance of passing that gene.

Since this is as rare as the truth about healthcare reform we should be literally driving on the bones of transitional species.

Ever wonder why 95% of all the fossils are invertebrate marine species....to have fossilization you must have rapid burial and a high mineral content, everyone knows when an animal dies it does not lie there until it is slowly covered by sediment undesturbed.

It takes much more faith to believe in evolution than it does to believe in God...don't listen to what others say do the research yourselves.

Cary

Anonymous said...

We had a similar situation in new mexico when people were asked to show I.D. before they voted. What a stink that created. People felt that it was a blight on their civil rights. All we wanted was to make sure dead people weren't voting. If you say you are who you are then a little proof in this age of growing corruption should'nt be so bad. Come on people, i agree we need to grow up.

Wayne said...

Hey Bill "the loser" Maher, the only thing more pathetic than your pseudo-intellectual babble are the morons that believe what you spew out.

thomas said...

Faith is believing in something that you can't see. The next time a bible-thumper questions your religion, tell them you have FAITH in gravity then invite them to go on the roof and jump (to determine whose faith wins).

Anonymous said...

You are a complete moron.Watch out crossing the street,someone is going too run your idiotic ass over.The sooner the better.

rlyons8 said...

Love your show! I must say however; over the years, I've lost a lot of respct for all the popular liberal tv celebs. there is so much overwhelming evidence now in regards to the (so called) terrorist bomings on 9/11, which most of these people seem to ignore. I'm not a conspiracy theorist by nature, but I am a little too educated to ignore definitive scientific and forensic evidence. come on bill, I know your not that closed minded- or is it that you too don't want to loose your job. perhaps you simple havn't looked deeply enough into it? One of the largest political conspiracies of the century took place, and too manny people are either afraid of the truth, or just too lazy to look into it. If you really do care about your country, I would recomend starting with "Blueprint for truth", followed by "Ripple effect". these two films will educate anyone trememdously in regards to what actually happened without suggesting any wild conspiracy theories. I really wish our liberal media leaders would come out of the closet on this one.

Richard Conant said...

I'm new to this site so I'm not sure if I'm in the right spot. I want to say that Uganda is trying to make it illegal to be gay. Punishable by death and I'm not gay but the next step for religious evangelists is to go after athiests or agnostics. We need to rally behind Gay Rights and Bill Maher before it's too late.(I know you aren't gay also Bill, Just a Genius) Richard Conant

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