New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances...

New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances, Don't Send Her a Picture of Your Penis

New Rule: If a woman rejects your first dozen advances, don't up the ante by sending her a picture of your penis. This week, we found out that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre allegedly tried to get with a young woman by sending her MySpace messages, voicemails, and notes through a friend, and when none of that worked, and it was third and long -- though, not as long as most of us would have imagined -- he decided to throw the Hail Mary and sext her pictures of Little Brett to close the deal. Brett, I get it: Your dictionary doesn't include the word "quit" or "retire" or "married" but you've got to at least understand "punt." You know the worst part about having sex with Brett Favre? He keeps saying he's finished, and then he comes back to drag it out for another year.

To me, this story isn't about sports or sex or how necessary caller ID is -- it's about how pathetic and clueless white American males have become. Because the kind of guy who thinks there are women out there who just, cold, want to see your cock, is the same kind of guy who thinks Sarah Palin is swell and tax cuts pay for themselves. I will explain that connection further, but first let's just dwell for one more moment on how stupid it is to forget that in 2010 when you text someone a picture of your genitals, you're not just sending it to that person, but to every person she has in her contacts... and then everyone on the planet who has access to the Internet. Somewhere right now there's a tribesman in Samoa thinking, "Brett Favre is texting a picture of his dick to a woman? That shit never works."

And he's right -- no woman in the history of mankind has ever wanted to see a picture of a penis. Go back to the earliest cave paintings. The very first one is of a cock, and after that they're all antelopes and sunrises. But for some reason men persist. Why? Because men have always been in charge, especially white men. Brett Favre is like a lot of white males: he's owned the world for so long, he's going a little crazy now that he doesn't. Also, like many white men across the country, he lost his job to a Mexican, (i.e. Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez).

If Brett Favre's penis could talk, what would it say? Well, other than, "No photos please," I think it would say, "I'm not a witch. I'm you." Because for hundreds of years white penises were America. White penises founded America, they made the rules and they called the shots in the workplace, in the home, and at the ballot box. But now the unthinkable is happening. White penises are becoming the minority: 2010 was the first year in which more minority babies were born in the U.S. than white babies. This is what conservatives are really upset about -- that the president is black, and the best golfer is black, and the Secretary of State is a woman, and suddenly this country is way off track and needs some serious 'restoring.' If penises could cry -- and I believe they can -- then white penises are crying all over America.

And that's where this crew comes in; Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Michele Bachmann; the lovely MILFs of the new right. And their little secret is that their popularity comes exclusively from white men. Look at the polling: minorities hate them, women hate them -- only white men like them. I'm no psychiatrist, but I do own a couch, and my theory is that these women represent something those men miss dearly: the traditional, idiot housewife. Writing on your hand is sheer Lucy. If an election between Obama and Sarah Palin were held today, and only white men could vote, Sarah Palin would be president. Did you know that in 1788, when there were four million people in America, only 39,000 of them -- the richest white men -- got to vote? That doesn't sound good to you? Well, what if I threw in a picture of my cock? Which brings me back to Brett Favre, and I think it's worth noting that in one of the alleged photos of him, he's pleasuring himself on a bed while wearing Crocs. And if you think about it, is there any better metaphor for the sad state of America today than an over-the-hill white guy lazily masturbating in plastic shoes?


Follow Bill Maher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/billmaher

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 1, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, October 1st, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Today we found out that a third college that she said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I’m starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Christine O’Donnell

Obama has been now finally getting on the campaign trail trying to help [Democrats]. Their big plan is a series of what they call “backyard visits” where the President speaks to people in their backyards in Middle America. Because nothing calms the fears of Middle Americans like having a black man suddenly appear in your backyard.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Yesterday he said the networks were run by Jews. And today, Rick Sanchez was fired; as Meg Whitman’s housekeeper.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Clip from “Politically Incorrect” 7/9/99:
O’Donnell: I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian.
Maher: You were a witch.
O’Donnell: I was. I was
Maher: You were
O’Donnell: I was dabbling in witchcraft. I dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didn’t want to become a vegetarian, and that is honestly the reason why, because I’m Italian and I love meatballs
Maher: Boy are you spiritual.

He made a speech recently where he broke down and cried like Glenn Beck does.
- Bill Maher regarding Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai

You see what’s happening and it’s only happening in one party, the Republican Party. There you get a bunch of amateurs who are really angry at the Establishment, who are overturning them in primaries, and amateurs don’t make very good politicians. In fact, they make prohibitively weird politicians.
- Joe Klein

The problem with President Obama was he could have nipped this right-wing populism in the bud if he had hit jobs and homes early on and not allowed them to use that as the objects of their organizing.
- Cornell West regarding the Republican right-wing

Democrats always have Congressional experts as their Chiefs of Staff which leads Democratic presidents to be really concerned about every last provision in a 2000 page health care bill but not concerned enough about leading and transcending the sausage making in Congress.
- Joe Klein

Rahm Emanuel exemplifies contemporary cynicism and old-fashioned arrogance in American politics.
- Cornell West

White people have no rhythm. Black people have no gaydar.
- Bill Maher

This week's guests were Bob Woodward, Cornell West, Arianna Huffington, David Cross and Joe Klein.