Mitt Romney’s Best Choice for Vice President: No One

By Bill Maher

Mitt Romney has two arguments for why he should be president (three, if you count, "Give it to me or I'll kill you"). The first is that he loves, loves, loves, loves, LOVES America. Which makes you think the job he should actually get is poet laureate. The second is: I am the king of all business management. Look upon my spreadsheets, ye mighty and tremble.

Mitt Romney has the super power of being able to look at a PowerPoint presentation of a flow chart of a company that makes men's room hand-dryers, and cut its staff by 15%. Now, I don't give a shit about this skill, and I don't see how it entitles you to Andrew Jackson's old job, but there it is. Clark Kent is Superman. Bruce Wayne is Batman. Mitt Romney is Businessman.  Look, up in the sky, it's a guy in business class

Now that we've entered the boring stage in an election year where the party has a candidate, and the candidate has to choose a running mate, how about this: If Mitt wants to prove he can cut the fat out of government, he should choose no one.

The Vice President makes $230,000 a year. Just take that money and put it in the kitty. Give it to the GSA for muffin baskets, or the Secret Service for whores. Or the Air Force, to set on fire and laugh.

The Vice President also gets his own 9,150 square foot house, Number One Observatory Circle. We could turn that into a Subway sandwich shop. It has a high tech 9/11 Doomsday bunker. We could turn that into another Subway sandwich shop.

The Vice President has his own staff, and his own motorcade -- which went through a weird period a couple of years ago, when it was always running people over. He even has his own plane. Sell it all.

If a foreign leader dies, and we care, the President can go. If we don't care, we can send a card. And a gift certificate for a Subway sandwich.

I like Joe Biden.  But even Osama Bin Laden didn't think he was "world leader" material. According to his assassination journals -- Bin Laden's, I mean, not Biden's -- Biden wasn’t even worth killing. Bin Laden wrote to an al-Qaeda aide in 2010 that he wanted assassination teams assembled to target President Obama and Gen. Petraeus, because:

"...Obama is the head of infidelity and killing him automatically will make Biden take over the presidency for the remainder of the term, as it is the norm over there," bin Laden wrote. "Biden is totally unprepared for that post, which will lead the U.S. into a crisis."

I’m thinking our enemies will be even less intimidated by whatever empty suit Romney picks. So don't do it at all. Be a game changer. No Vice President.

It'll be cheaper than feeding Chris Christie.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 23, 2012

Friday, March 23, 2012

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 23, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Newt Gingrich today said he’s jealous because the only tool he ever gets compared to is a dildo.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Mitt Romney being compared to an Etch-A-Sketch

By the end of the year, if you want an abortion, first you must defeat the World Wrestling star, The Undertaker.
- Bill Maher on the proposed abortion laws

By this logic, if anybody ever shoots Geraldo, it’ll be because his mustache makes him look like The Bandito.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Geraldo’s controversial excuse about Trayvon Martin wearing a hoodie

This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

But he doesn’t like black people…what’s in his voice is the word ‘coon,’ we heard that on the tape and then he shot a black kid. So maybe, I’m a leaping to conclusions but what I’m getting is this guy is a racist asshole.
- Bill Maher referring to George Zimmerman

It is the rape defense that she wore something too revealing and was looking for it. There are no ‘come shoot me clothes.’
- Charles M. Blow on Geraldo’s ‘hoodie’ defense

He insists that he did not do this out of homophobia. Some court decided what was in his mind, for him and he risked a lot to insist that he wasn’t a bigot.
- Andrew Sullivan on the Dharun Ravi defense

I think that Republicans have now gone through their five stages of grief…denial – Herman Cain, Bargaining – Rick Perry, Anger – Newt Gingrich, Depression – Rick Santorum and finally acceptance – Mitt Romney…Finally, a robot designed neither to love or be loved.
- Bill Maher

New Rule: You can't wear a blue polo shirt and khakis to Wal-Mart and then get all pissy with me when I mistake you for an employee. And that goes double for the guy in the meat department, wearing the bloody smock. So I thought you worked here - is that really so much more degrading than you just shopping here?
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Stop opening banks. Every time a useful business like a video store, a dry cleaner, or a marijuana dispensary closes, it becomes a bank. They're multiplying faster than Palins. But why? We have the Internet, we have ATMSÉ how many little old ladies with rolls of quarters are there? I've been inside a bank once in ten years, and that was only because I needed a giant cardboard check.
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

This week's guests were Charles M. Blow, Glenn Greenwald, Wendy Schiller, Andrew Sullivan and Fred Armisen.

Please Stop Apologizing

By BILL MAHER

THIS week, Robert De Niro made a joke about first ladies, and Newt Gingrich said it was “inexcusable and the president should apologize for him.” Of course, if something is “inexcusable,” an apology doesn’t make any difference, but then again, neither does Newt Gingrich.

Mr. De Niro was speaking at a fund-raiser with the first lady, Michelle Obama. Here’s the joke: “Callista Gingrich. Karen Santorum. Ann Romney. Now do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady?”

The first lady’s press secretary declared the joke “inappropriate,” and Mr. De Niro said his remarks were “not meant to offend.” So, as these things go, even if the terrible damage can never be undone, at least the healing can begin. And we can move on to the next time we choose sides and pretend to be outraged about nothing.

When did we get it in our heads that we have the right to never hear anything we don’t like? In the last year, we’ve been shocked and appalled by the unbelievable insensitivity of Nike shoes, the Fighting Sioux, Hank Williams Jr., Cee Lo Green, Ashton Kutcher, Tracy Morgan, Don Imus, Kirk Cameron, Gilbert Gottfried, the Super Bowl halftime show and the ESPN guys who used the wrong cliché for Jeremy Lin after everyone else used all the others. Who can keep up?

This week, President Obama’s chief political strategist, David Axelrod, described Mitt Romney’s constant advertising barrage in Illinois as a “Mittzkrieg,” and instantly the Republican Jewish Coalition was outraged and called out Mr. Axelrod’s “Holocaust and Nazi imagery” as “disturbing.” Because the message of “Mittzkrieg” was clear: Kill all the Jews. Then the coalition demanded not only that Mr. Axelrod apologize immediately but also that Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz “publicly rebuke” him. For a pun! For punning against humanity!

The right side of America is mad at President Obama because he hugged the late Derrick Bell, a law professor who believed we live in a racist country, 22 years ago; the left side of America is mad at Rush Limbaugh for seemingly proving him right.

If it weren’t for throwing conniption fits, we wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

I have a better idea. Let’s have an amnesty — from the left and the right — on every made-up, fake, totally insincere, playacted hurt, insult, slight and affront. Let’s make this Sunday the National Day of No Outrage. One day a year when you will not find some tiny thing someone did or said and pretend you can barely continue functioning until they apologize.

If that doesn’t work, what about this: If you see or hear something you don’t like in the media, just go on with your life. Turn the page or flip the dial or pick up your roll of quarters and leave the booth.

The answer to whenever another human being annoys you is not “make them go away forever.” We need to learn to coexist, and it’s actually pretty easy to do. For example, I find Rush Limbaugh obnoxious, but I’ve been able to coexist comfortably with him for 20 years by using this simple method: I never listen to his program. The only time I hear him is when I’m at a stoplight next to a pickup truck.

When the lady at Costco gives you a free sample of its new ham pudding and you don’t like it, you spit it into a napkin and keep shopping. You don’t declare a holy war on ham.

I don’t want to live in a country where no one ever says anything that offends anyone. That’s why we have Canada. That’s not us. If we sand down our rough edges and drain all the color, emotion and spontaneity out of our discourse, we’ll end up with political candidates who never say anything but the safest, blandest, emptiest, most unctuous focus-grouped platitudes and cant. In other words, we’ll get Mitt Romney.

The Great Thing About Having Been Poor

If you grow up in America, it's pretty rare if you don't love money. One of the first things I ever remember being punished for was stealing money. Five dollars, off my father's dresser. I was so little, I don't think I even knew it was wrong to take something that wasn't specifically mine -- I recall this being my introduction to the concept of "larceny is bad." But somehow, I knew it was good to have cash.

After I left my middle class household at 18, standard of living took a real tumble for a while. At Cornell, I had no money, and boy did I look it. They called where I lived the last three years Collegetown, but Collegetown was really slums in a rural setting. Landlords did not have to work that hard in Ithaca, N.Y. -- every year, there was fresh supply of eager tenants among the students who didn't want to live in a sorority or fraternity. It was a sweet market for a slumlord.

But even that looked good compared to what was waiting for me as I began my illustrious career as a standup comedian in New York City in 1979. First year I lived on 99th Street in Spanish Harlem, a five-floor walk up, toilet down the hall. No shower -- a tub that sat in the kitchen with a snake-like attachment that hooked up to the kitchen sink. Walked home every night from the comedy clubs on the tony Upper East Side, watching the neighborhoods become poorer and scarier as I made my way north, and I'm sure the only reason I was never robbed was, they took one look at me and knew it wasn't worth the trouble. Sometimes, freedom really is just another word for nothing left to lose.

And yet, in a short 33 years, things had turned around enough so that I was able to give a million dollars to the super PAC of a certain mixed-race president who, I would like to remind all my overconfident progressive friends, does NOT have this election in the bag. And a lot of people this last week have said the same thing to me: "You're not picking up the drinks tonight?"

The great thing about having been poor is how liberated it makes you if you eventually become rich. There's nothing like the knowledge that you don't need money to survive. That the money cushion you lie on every night doesn't have to be three feet thick, and you can still get to sleep.

Other people seemed surprised I had a million dollars, which amused me. I've had a television show since 1993; television pays well -- I may even have another million lying around somewhere. Every year when I visit my accountant in December to see how the year went, he always says I'm the best saver of all his clients, which amazes me, because I feel like I deprive myself of absolutely nothing. I once asked him, what do your other clients spend their money on? Because I know who some of his other clients are, and I know they make WAY more than I do. He said that what they spend their money on is always changing, and that's not even the point -- the point is, however much money they make that year, they always spend all of it! That's how they think: have money, spend it, because the real tragedy would be to die and have money left over.

Me? I just don't have expensive tastes I guess -- I don't collect cars or paintings or jewelry, and I gave up my heroin habit years ago. But I also know that, as I said when I presented that giant check to Priorities USA Action last Thursday at the end of my stand up special on Yahoo!, "This hurts!" I was trying to make the point that if I could do it, a lot of other people could do it a lot more easily than me. You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood -- with the possible exception of Silicon Valley and Ben & Jerry's ice cream. There's a reason that of the 16 billionaires that have contributed to super PACs this year, 14 have given to Republicans. It is generally the party of the rich. And in a post-Citizens United world, the party of the rich has an advantage like they've never had before. In 2008, the most you could give to a candidate was $2,300. Now it's Infinity. No, the election is not in the bag.


Follow Bill Maher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/billmaher

Republican Debate Review

Republicans sure have the right symbol with the elephant. Republican debates are nothing but elephants in the room.

The biggest of which must be: to someone out there who's hurting, they spend the whole two hours yammering away about earmarks and illegal immigrants and contraception and every other peripheral, wish-I-had-the-time-to-worry-about-it issue they can think of.

Then there is the elephant of how they all -- with the sometime exception of Ron Paul -- nod along to insane statements just because they don't want to ever look like they're to the left of anybody, on anything, especially the evilness of Barack Obama. So Wednesday night when Newt said the president of the United States had a history of practicing infanticide... yep, yep, yessir, that's what he does all right. Clubs infants like baby seals in his spare time. Ike played golf, Kennedy liked boating...

Ron Paul said foreign aid just helps our enemies. Which, I believe, would make Israel and Egypt our two biggest enemies. Yup, yup, hate foreign aid. A meaningless percentage of the budget, btw.

Newt said where government becomes the central provider of services, it's a move towards tyranny -- yeah, except in all the countries where it isn't, like all of Scandanavia and much of Europe. Today a barium enema paid for by medicare, tomorrow Poland.

And isn't a highlight of every debate when Mitt Romney takes umbrage at being accused of the best thing he ever did in his life -- Romneycare? Something he should be proud of? Last night he took out his dueling glove and declared that when he was governor, he made sure there was NO requirement from the church to provide morning after pills for rape victims. They will be punished with a baby, as Jesus would want. Mitt's attitude is always, "How dare you accuse me of helping people or being compassionate! Why, I'll have you know I'm every bit as much of a cold hearted bastard as any of these other pricks up here with me!"

"But Mitt, we have a picture of you giving money to a homeless person."

"I did NOT give a bum money! I was paying him to blow me!"

This Republican field over the last year has been such a comedy gold mine -- which I have compacted into a stand-up special I'm doing Thursday night, February 23, called #CrazyStupidPolitics -- it's free, and it's live-streamed on Yahoo! 10:30 Eastern (with a mindblowing announcement at the end). I apologize for the shameful plug, but I just want you to have a good laugh! Thank you Arianna, you're the best... and now back to our blog.

The biggest elephant in the room tonight for me was Satan. All day, TV news was talking about Satan because of Rick Santorum's dug-up (but, no doubt still accurate) comments about Satan from 2008. It just shows you how when someone is a nobody politically speaking -- as Santorum was in 2008 -- you can say any kind of crazy shit and it's not newsworthy. But when you are seeking the highest office in the land... in the world -- it really worries me that you believe in demons and a personified creature named Satan.

People get mad at me for using the phrase "this stupid country", which I sometimes do -- but, I'm sorry -- Satan? In 2012? This elephant is not only in the room at the debates, but everywhere on TV today where people were talking about this and not breaking down in the middle and screaming, Wait a minute -- We're modern people, surely we don't give any credence to this comic book character that was created in the bronze age!! It's barely worthy of a children's story, and people take it to the Oval Office -- Bush did -- and it affects their thinking and our lives. Why is Santorum so against contraception? Because there's a line in Genesis about not spilling your seed. A random brainfart from some desert dweller 3,000 years ago, before people knew about germs or atoms or round planets, and it gets written down and passed down and in 2012 people like Rick Santorum are still too R-word to see that, and that's why some woman in Akron, Ohio might not get birth control.

And as far as Rick's claim tonight that even though he holds these beliefs, he wouldn't legislate them? Bullshit -- he said states absolutely had the right to outlaw contraception. That's the same thing -- as an officer of the government, he should take the opposite position. Ron Paul would.

My favorite moment of the debate was the last question, when they all were asked to summarize themselves in one word: Ron Paul said "consistency," and you know what? I have no argument with that. It's true, and he's earned it.

The other ones however, I think I could find a more honest word. Mitt Romney said "resolute." I would have gone with "shapeshifter." Or perhaps "irresolute." Rick Santorum said "courage" , whereas I would have said "Bellevue." And Newt Gingrich said "cheerful." I was thinking "pus."

One other thing: in the overtime, I heard Ron Paul make the point to John King that his foreign policy was similar to Eisenhower's, how Ike avoided getting militarily involved in Vietnam or the Suez Canal and got out of Korea. Because he was a military man. Ron Paul served, also -- the other three not so much. I know it will never become law, because it would require a constitutional amendment, but I don't think it would be such a bad thing if you had to have served in the military if you wanted to be president. Kennedy also avoided war where many would not have. After him, though, we got into the era of non-servers and draft-dodgers, and used the military like a toy. Ex-soldiers understand it's not. And the president is Commander-in-Chief -- shouldn't you have served some time in an organization you're the head of?

I hope this was the last Republican debate. Well, I say that, but I'll need the material after I use up an hour of good jokes tomorrow night, so, fuck it, keep going.

Last bullshit call: In his closing statement, Rick Santorum said that in the race against the Evil One (no, not that Evil One, he was talking about Obama), the president would have the media in his pocket (yeah, except Fox News, lots of newspapers, all of radio... ), and way more money. Huh? Sheldon Adelson this week said he might give $100 million to Newt Gingrich! If he'd give that to Newt who has no chance, he might give more to Romney. And he's just one old cranky billionaire who hates Obama, there's a whole gaggle of them.

And Sheldon, if you want to blow money so bad, just walk into one of your hotels in Vegas and go to the Roulette table.

On Being Over 50

I almost cried the other night when Arianna mentioned that HuffPost was launching Huff/Post50, and did I have any thoughts about being over 50...

Any? Unfortunately, I have nothing but thoughts about being over 50.

I remember seeing Alan King in Atlantic City in the '80s (when I was a young comedian) and he said, "I'm 56, and people say I'm middle aged -- who do you know who lives to be 112?"

I'm 55. It was funnier then.

The thing about your fifties is, you're not nearly over (if you're lucky) -- in fact, lots of ambitious people are peaking -- but it is the first time in your life that you can see over the crest of the mountain and down into the Valley below -- you know, Death. Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can't help doing so; we can't help but walk toward the one thing we're most trying to avoid.

Little things remind you of this all the time -- like minor cuts taking longer to heal than they used to. It doesn't cause you any health problems, but it reminds you your body is not replacing cells as fast as it used to, and the ones it is sending are inferior copies of their predecessors. That's why we age, and look progressively worse as the years pass: just like a photocopy or a video tape that looks slightly worse each time its copied, we are constantly copying ourselves and coming out a little inferior every time. Merry Christmas.

However... the one thing that does seem to get better, at least so far, is the brain -- you know, so you can be more aware of the depressing physical part! But hey, the depressing physical part also gives you an urgency to life that is really quite irreplaceable. When you're young, you don't appreciate! And learning to appreciate life is almost better than being young and ignoring it.

At least that's my story, and I'm sticking with it.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 16, 2012

Friday, March 16, 2012

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 16, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Mitt is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Rick Santorum’s statement that Rick’s son could out debate him.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls, green.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There were 70 billion dollars in the budget for food stamps last year. There’s 700 billion dollars for defense contractors and the military…there is no difference between welfare queens and Wall Street and the defense contractors if we are going to talk about the entitlement culture in America.
- Alexandra Pelosi

This is what happens with the death of journalism; the world post journalism is just bloggers sitting home in their underwear.
- Alexandra Pelosi on the constant backlash from media on all sides regarding every issue

The tragedy in this situation is that we have been having this conversation since before I was born…and no president in American history has seized the opportunity to lead us to a more efficient structure. Period.
- Dylan Ratigan on the gas prices and reliance on foreign oil

The proportionality of what has happened to America because of unemployment and housing makes everything else look like a flea on a dog’s ass.
- Dylan Ratigan

The Lorax, if you don’t know what it is, it’s a mythical creature who is for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses.
- Bill Maher

I would much rather we rebuild Philadelphia as opposed to Kabul.
- Mick Cornett on getting out of the Middle East

It sounded like a disillusioned lover.
- Amy Holmes on Greg Smith’s editorial in the New York Times about Goldman Sachs

New Rule: If Irish-Americans can manage to celebrate their heritage in just one day, then Southerners should be able to also. That's right, instead of spending the whole year flying your Confederate flags and saying, "The South will rise again," you get just one day. We'll call it St. Cracker's Day.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: If an actor gets so much plastic surgery that they're not quite the same person, they have to change their name so it's not quite the same name. Example: "Did you see Lindsay Lowland on SNL? "No, I was watching an Arthur Schwarzenegger movie." "Which one was that?" "You know, that one with Dickie Rourke and Sylvester Stallion."
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

This week's guests were Alexandra Pelosi, Mick Cornett, Amy Holmes, Dylan Ratigan and Ed Helms.