Spacial Delivery

By Bill Maher

Republicans don't want anything to do with progressive thinking in any area of American life -- except in the case of military hardware. Then and only then are they willing to embrace the future. That's how we got that weird, mechanical over-land death mule and it's how we got the unmanned drone. We can now visit death upon our enemies without having to show up in person, look them in the eye and have an actual fight. It just feels wrong -- like breaking up with a girl via text message. If you're going to vanquish your enemy, shouldn't you have to confront them? How does a warrior willing to die for his cause in the Takhar Province fight a guy operating a joystick in Tallahassee?

Which brings me to this: Earlier this month we were flying one of our unmanned drones near Iranian airspace -- you know, the ones we use for surveillance and to provide the "something blew" to Muslim weddings -- and the Iranians took some shots at it. The incident was described as "unprecedented" and, as such, we really didn't know how to respond. I mean, it was an unmanned drone, not a plane with an American pilot in it, and they didn't shoot it down; they just shot at it. It's like catching the neighbor you hate throwing a beer bottle at your parked car and missing. We had no idea what level of outrage to feign.

I didn't go to West Point or anything but I’m guessing if one of our planes came upon an unmanned Iranian death-copter off the coast of Jersey the order wouldn’t be to "get a nice picture of it."

We utilize the best means at our disposal to go into foreign lands and blow up the people we consider the bad guys even if that means collateral damage in the form of civilian casualties. When someone does that exact same thing to us, don’t we call it "terrorism"?

God Hates Flags

By Bill Maher

Another way angry old white men have been protesting Obama seizing power through "democracy" is by flying the flag upside down. Which is so fucking chicky it gives me contact-embarrassment. "Take that, Mr. Big Shot, with your fancy 'getting-the-most-votes.' I'm taking this flag and throwing a drink in its face. And you know how the Lincoln Memorial is on the five dollar bill? I'm farting on it." Wow, that really stings. 

There have been dozens of cases, from Ohio to Kansas to Texas, anywhere there are friendless, egg-shaped pink fucks with a flagpole and a mis-held belief that they can do magic, and sometimes just talking back to the TV isn't enough.

Larry Guerrieri, master of angry-flag-inversion-hate-magic, told Pittsburgh CBS affiliate KDKA,"That's a sign of distress; this country is in distress right now. This Benghazi incident, he left them four people there to die. That's the way I feel about it." Gee, I wonder where he gets his news.
A McDonald's in West Virginia flew its flag upside down the day after the election, but claims it was an accident. Their actual statement:

"Unfortunately, a flag cable broke and during the process of trying the fix the flag, it was inadvertently turned upside down. It wasn't noticed that the flag was upside down until a customer inquired about it. We are working on fixing the flag right now. It's important to note that this was an accident, not intentional."

Please, if I wanted to be force-fed bullshit, I'd order the McRib.

Now, I couldn't care less about Flag God, but it does seem kind of small, if you do worship symbols, to wipe your ass on the one that represents your country because your guy lost an election. 
The United States Flag Code Title 36, Chapter 10, says:

"The flag should never be displayed with the union down, except as a signal of dire distress in instances of extreme danger to life or property."

But we all understand that the rule against flag desecration only applies to the left. It's like calling America a piss-stinking hellhole full of lazy moochers: You're only allowed to do it if you're a patriotic Republican.

Why We've Been Safe

By Bill Maher

In Illinois last Thursday, an 18 year-old jihadist named Adel Daoud was indicted by a federal grand jury over his plan to detonate a car bomb in downtown Chicago.

We were never in danger. It was a sting operation, of course. Adel has been monitored by the FBI for at least a year because he was posting stuff on the web about jihad. In May, agents began corresponding with him, posing as fellow jihadists. Daoud and an undercover agent met, drove downtown in a car that was "rigged" with "explosives," engaged in a quick prayer, and walked into a nearby alley. When Adel pulled the trigger, his buddy arrested him.

Adel isn't a dumb kid. In fact, one of his heartbroken neighbors described him as "intelligent, kind and a whiz with computers." But computers are exactly the problem for any new crop of American jihadists: Anyone who would make a good terrorist is essentially a kid, and kids communicate by cell phone and Facebook and websites... which are the easiest stuff to monitor. If an American Islamist movement were to succeed, they'd need to get the kids back into caves. Where they'll never go, because the cell service is terrible down there.

Weekend at Gurneys

By Bill Maher

A couple of weeks ago on Real Time, Jack Kingston told us about all the people who come into the United States seeking medical treatment from "the best healthcare system in the world." Not only is this oft-parroted argument out of touch, it's actually out of date: For several years, the number of people leaving the United States for medical care has outnumbered people coming in, and that gap is growing.

According to a study by the Deloitte Center for Health Solutions, it breaks down like this: Inbound medical tourism is growing, but slowly. Somewhere between 60,000 and 85,000 came here to seek treatment in 2008, and the number is projected to grow to slightly over half a million by 2017. But outbound medical tourism, Americans going abroad, was 750,000 in 2007, a big uptick from the year before. And the number ballooned to 1.3 million Americans in 2008.

It's still going up, by all reports, but the trend line was clear long before Obamacare or even President Obama: Our healthcare system wasn't working, and it was getting worse. Just as they like to ignore the financial shitstorm Obama inherited, Republicans choose to forget that our medical system was also in crisis when we elected Obama.

One reason for Americans getting treated overseas, obviously, is cost. Services abroad are 80 percent cheaper, on average. But they're not just looking for healthcare on the cheap. According to a McKinsey Company report, 40% of medical tourists are seeking better technology, and 32% are looking for better care. Also, despite the dire warnings about future waiting lists and rationing, it's already here. 15% of outgoing medical tourists are doing it because of shorter waiting periods for procedures.

Don't try telling this to Republicans, though -- they still need to believe in the America that draws people to its awesome healthcare, just like they can't let go of the idea that Mexicans are still pouring over the border. Because once they start admitting that the world is just not that into us anymore, they'll have to start examining what we actually have.

Why a Mormon President Might Not Be So Swell

By Bill Maher

On his recent Real Time appearance, Walter Kirn had a lot of insightful things to say about the Mormon Church, but I'm not sure about his claim that if Mitt Romney were -- Kolob forbid -- elected, he wouldn't impose Mormon dogma on government policy.

Now, I don't think Mitt would use Social Security records to secretly baptize everyone in America, although -- now that I think of it -- that's a pretty good plan. I don't think he’s going to use seer stones to make policy ("I see.... I see... school vouchers!") But what about gay marriage?

Mormons hate gay marriage for reasons above and beyond simple bigotry. It's a core doctrine of their faith that a marriage between a man and a woman is the only way you can get the full benefit package, both in this life and the next. This is why the Mormons spent millions to defeat gay marriage in California. What are the chances that a Romney Justice Department is going to pursue gay civil rights cases, or allow gay couples in the military to marry? The NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City won’t even show "The New Normal," that new sitcom about a married gay couple. They didn't reject it because its rife with tired sitcom clichés (sassy black friend, precocious smart-aleck child), they rejected it because it doesn't conform to their religion's requirements for interplanetary spirit tourism.

Mission: Failure

By Bill Maher

Obviously, last month’s jobs report sucked. Only 69,000 new jobs were created – about half what economists expected – and the worst number in a year.  The economy has to create about 120,000 jobs every month just to keep up with the increase in population.

That’s just the hard data.  But here’s how I know the news was really bad: Republicans on TV could barely contain their smiles.  To them, an economy back in the shitter means only one thing: “Woo hoo! President Romney!”

The biggest problem they have with this jobs report is that 69,000 jobs created is 69,000 too many.

Since day one, Republicans have cock-blocked any effort to create jobs. They tried to filibuster the stimulus – one thing that did create a ton of jobs – even though roughly one third of it was tax cuts. They filibustered last summer’s American Jobs Act. They took the government hostage over the debt ceiling, which led to our credit rating being lowered and destroyed any potential for recovery last summer.

This is worse than rooting for failure – it’s ensuring failure. People don’t like it when I bring up the “t word” – treason – but I haven’t heard any convincing arguments suggesting Republicans have done anything but try to thwart efforts to create jobs since Obama became president.

We know where the worst job losses are coming from: the public sector. We could hire back the 300,000 teachers who lost their jobs because of the recession right now.

We can also accelerate private sector jobs by doing the massive infrastructure projects that we need to do sometime anyway – why not now, when borrowing money is free? It doesn’t make any sense not to do that unless you’re rooting for the economy to remain stalled. And no, don’t say the deficit. What really hurts deficits is a stalled economy.

Also, when Democrats would criticize the war in Iraq, they got accused of hurting the morale of the troops. What about hurting the morale of the economy? Talking it down definitely creates negative animal spirits that make the economy sucking a self-fulfilling prophecy. On this front, the worst is yet to come: Romney’s Super PACs are going to spend a billion dollars over the next few months telling us how much the economy sucks.

By the way, as bad as the jobs report was, if you watched the news, it was like Lehman Brothers collapsed again. Yet, 69,000 jobs were created. You know how many on average per month were created under Bush, even after you take out his worst months from the Great Recession? 66,000. You know how many for Bush if you include the recession months? 11,000. And ALL his job creation came from public sector growth. He lost private sector jobs, where Obama has created about 3.8 million.

That’s the truly horrible news – as bad as this job report was, it was much better than the average over the last decade. Though it would be nice if both parties were interested in doing something about it. 

­­

Mitt Romney’s Best Choice for Vice President: No One

By Bill Maher

Mitt Romney has two arguments for why he should be president (three, if you count, "Give it to me or I'll kill you"). The first is that he loves, loves, loves, loves, LOVES America. Which makes you think the job he should actually get is poet laureate. The second is: I am the king of all business management. Look upon my spreadsheets, ye mighty and tremble.

Mitt Romney has the super power of being able to look at a PowerPoint presentation of a flow chart of a company that makes men's room hand-dryers, and cut its staff by 15%. Now, I don't give a shit about this skill, and I don't see how it entitles you to Andrew Jackson's old job, but there it is. Clark Kent is Superman. Bruce Wayne is Batman. Mitt Romney is Businessman.  Look, up in the sky, it's a guy in business class

Now that we've entered the boring stage in an election year where the party has a candidate, and the candidate has to choose a running mate, how about this: If Mitt wants to prove he can cut the fat out of government, he should choose no one.

The Vice President makes $230,000 a year. Just take that money and put it in the kitty. Give it to the GSA for muffin baskets, or the Secret Service for whores. Or the Air Force, to set on fire and laugh.

The Vice President also gets his own 9,150 square foot house, Number One Observatory Circle. We could turn that into a Subway sandwich shop. It has a high tech 9/11 Doomsday bunker. We could turn that into another Subway sandwich shop.

The Vice President has his own staff, and his own motorcade -- which went through a weird period a couple of years ago, when it was always running people over. He even has his own plane. Sell it all.

If a foreign leader dies, and we care, the President can go. If we don't care, we can send a card. And a gift certificate for a Subway sandwich.

I like Joe Biden.  But even Osama Bin Laden didn't think he was "world leader" material. According to his assassination journals -- Bin Laden's, I mean, not Biden's -- Biden wasn’t even worth killing. Bin Laden wrote to an al-Qaeda aide in 2010 that he wanted assassination teams assembled to target President Obama and Gen. Petraeus, because:

"...Obama is the head of infidelity and killing him automatically will make Biden take over the presidency for the remainder of the term, as it is the norm over there," bin Laden wrote. "Biden is totally unprepared for that post, which will lead the U.S. into a crisis."

I’m thinking our enemies will be even less intimidated by whatever empty suit Romney picks. So don't do it at all. Be a game changer. No Vice President.

It'll be cheaper than feeding Chris Christie.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 15, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, October 15, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves…but enough about the Democrats. Let’s talk about those Chilean miners.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Michael Jackson could have come back from the dead with Jesus and you wouldn’t have seen it on TV this week. Americans love Chilean miners. I haven’t seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since…the Octomom.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the release of the Chilean miners

They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Delaware debate between candidates Christine O’Donnell and Chris Coons

The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can’t afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He convinced Newt Gingrich and I to go on tour together. That’s how much he believes in bringing people together.
- Rev. Al Sharpton regarding President Obama

People earn what society is willing to pay them. We have multi-millionaire athletes because people…will go and pay $80, $90, $100, $150, $200 for a sports ticket. But yet, at the same time they don’t want to put that sort of effort on backing within our educational system and our teachers don’t make as much. This is a societal problem. People value entertainment more than they do their kids’ education.
- Dana Loesch

New Rule: I'm all against bullying, but the makers of Glee can't promise to fight back with a special episode about the problems of gay teenagers since every episode of Glee is about the problems of gay teenagers. It's like making a special episode of "House" where someone gets a weird disease, everyone misdiagnoses it, and then House shits on them and figures it out.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you wanna see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were the Rev. Al Sharpton, John Legend, Dana Loesch, Markos Moulitsas and Dan Neil.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 8, 2010

Friday, October 8, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, October 8, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She is behind and I don’t think it’s the witch stuff. I think it’s because of her anti-masturbating stance. She’s very serious about that and you know people in Delaware are going ‘come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You mess with Todd Palin, you could wake up with a horse’s ass in you bed, like he does everyday.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There are thousands of myths in the world. None of them are better than any of the others. Some of them are a lot more poetic than that one, but that’s all you can say.
- Richard Dawkins regarding the Bible

There is no logical pathway that would lead you from Atheism to doing those terrible things. There is a logical pathway that would lead you, either from a Christian religion…or from one of the State religions like Nazism, like Stalinism and so on. You really can justify doing those awful things if you believe something as strongly as religious people do.
- Richard Dawkins

I spent 40 years as a writer and now I’m a “content provider” and content is free on the Internet. I’m supposed to like Al Gore for that? The Internet was invented by academics and military groups; by Commies and Fascists.
- P.J. O’Rourke

She came right out and said she’s not a witch. Has Hillary Clinton ever cleared that up?
- P.J. O’Rourke regarding Christine O’Donnell’s newest “I’m Not a Witch” campaign ad

Asinine. That is absolutely asinine…and to make a campaign ad entirely about it, absolutely stupid.
- S.E. Cupp regarding Christine O’Donnell’s newest “I’m Not a Witch” campaign ad

We conservatives believe government is bad and we’ve got the candidates to prove it.
- P.J. O’Rourke

He said he actually got involved with this with his teenage son, a ‘father and son bonding thing.’ I guess the Boy Scouts were all filled up.
- Joshua Green regarding Candidate Richard Iott (R-OH) being involved in a Nazi re-enactment group

How come a guy in a cave gets it better than every Republican voting for the Senate?
- Bill Maher on Bin Laden’s statement acknowledging global warming

New Rule: Don't keep the super glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and - yes, she super glued her eyes shut. And, after seeing what had happened, her husband of many years took the superglue and moved it next to the toothpaste.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Now that Michael Vick is injured, and can't compete on Sundays, he must be put down.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Andrew Ross Sorkin, S.E. Cupp, P.J. O’Rourke, Josh Green and Richard Dawkins.

New Rule: Rich People Who Complain About Being Vilified Should Be Vilified

New Rule: The next rich person who publicly complains about being vilified by the Obama administration must be publicly vilified by the Obama administration. It's so hard for one person to tell another person what constitutes being "rich", or what tax rate is "too much." But I've done some math that indicates that, considering the hole this country is in, if you are earning more than a million dollars a year and are complaining about a 3.6% tax increase, then you are by definition a greedy asshole.

And let's be clear: that's 3.6% only on income above 250 grand -- your first 250, that's still on the house. Now, this week we got some horrible news: that one in seven Americans are now living below the poverty line. But I want to point you to an American who is truly suffering: Ben Stein. You know Ben Stein, the guy who got rich because when he talks it sounds so boring it's actually funny. He had a game show on Comedy Central, does eye drop commercials, doesn't believe in evolution? Yeah, that asshole. I kid Ben -- so, the other day Ben wrote an article about his struggle. His struggle as a wealthy person facing the prospect of a slightly higher marginal tax rate. Specifically, Ben said that when he was finished paying taxes and his agents, he was left with only 35 cents for every dollar he earned. Which is shocking, Ben Stein has an agent? I didn't know Broadway Danny Rose was still working.

Ben whines in his article about how he's worked for every dollar he has -- if by work you mean saying the word "Bueller" in a movie 25 years ago. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, it's just that at a time when people in America are desperate and you're raking in the bucks promoting some sleazy Free Credit Score dot-com... maybe you shouldn't be asking us for sympathy. Instead, you should be down on your knees thanking God and/or Ronald Reagan that you were lucky enough to be born in a country where a useless schmuck who contributes absolutely nothing to society can somehow manage to find himself in the top marginal tax bracket.

And you're welcome to come on the show anytime.

Now I can hear you out there saying, "Come on Bill, don't be so hard on Ben Stein, he does a lot of voiceover work, and that's hard work." Ok, it's true, Ben is hardly the only rich person these days crying like a baby who's fallen off his bouncy seat. Last week Mayor Bloomberg of New York complained that all his wealthy friends are very upset with mean ol' President Poopy-Pants: He said they all say the same thing: "I knew I was going to have to pay more taxes. But I didn't expect to be vilified." Poor billionaires -- they just can't catch a break.

First off, far from being vilified, we bailed you out -- you mean we were supposed to give you all that money and kiss your ass, too? That's Hollywood you're thinking of. FDR, he knew how to vilify; this guy, not so much. And second, you should have been vilified -- because you're the vill-ains! I'm sure a lot of you are very nice people. And I'm sure a lot of you are jerks. In other words, you're people. But you are the villains. Who do you think outsourced all the jobs, destroyed the unions, and replaced workers with desperate immigrants and teenagers in China. Joe the Plumber?

And right now, while we run trillion dollar deficits, Republicans are holding America hostage to the cause of preserving the Bush tax cuts that benefit the wealthiest 1% of people, many of them dead. They say that we need to keep taxes on the rich low because they're the job creators. They're not. They're much more likely to save money through mergers and outsourcing and cheap immigrant labor, and pass the unemployment along to you.

Americans think rich people must be brilliant; no -- just ruthless. Meg Whitman is running for Governor out here, and her claim to fame is, she started e-Bay. Yes, Meg tapped into the Zeitgeist, the zeitgeist being the desperate need of millions of Americans to scrape a few dollars together by selling the useless crap in their garage. What is e-Bay but a big cyber lawn sale that you can visit without putting your clothes on?

Another of my favorites, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said, "I don't know where they're going to get all this money, because we're running out of rich people in this country." Actually, we have more billionaires here in the U.S. than all the other countries in the top ten combined, and their wealth grew 27% in the last year. Did yours? Truth is, there are only two things that the United States is not running out of: Rich people and bullshit. Here's the truth: When you raise taxes slightly on the wealthy, it obviously doesn't destroy the economy -- we know this, because we just did it -- remember the '90's? It wasn't that long ago. You were probably listening to grunge music, or dabbling in witchcraft. Clinton moved the top marginal rate from 36 to 39% -- and far from tanking, the economy did so well he had time to get his dick washed.

Even 39% isn't high by historical standards. Under Eisenhower, the top tax rate was 91%. Under Nixon, it was 70%. Obama just wants to kick it back to 39 -- just three more points for the very rich. Not back to 91, or 70. Three points. And they go insane. Steve Forbes said that Obama, quote "believes from his inner core that people... above a certain income have more than they should have and that many probably have gotten it from ill-gotten ways." Which they have. Steve Forbes, of course, came by his fortune honestly: he inherited it from his gay egg-collecting, Elizabeth Taylor fag-hagging father, who inherited it from his father. Of course then they moan about the inheritance tax, how the government took 55% percent when Daddy died -- which means you still got 45% for doing nothing more than starting out life as your father's pecker-snot.

We don't hate rich people, but have a little humility about how you got it and stop complaining. Maybe the worst whiner of all: Stephen Schwarzman, #69 on Forbes' list of richest Americans, compared Obama's tax hike to "when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939." Wow. If Obama were Hitler, Mr. Schwarzman, I think your tax rate would be the least of your worries.

New Rule: Politicians Must Be Informed of Their Rights: "Everything You Say Can and Will Be Used Against You in a Google Search"

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New Rule: The Republican Leadership in America Must Produce Their Birth Certificates

New Rule: The Republican leadership in America must produce their birth certificates! Not because I doubt they're Americans, I just want to make sure they're not eight-years-old. I mention this because a major talking point on Fox News and hate radio these days is that, after a year and a half of Obama, it's time to bring the "adults" back into power, so they can rein in our deficit, defeat terrorism, and focus on America's real enemy: cleaning ladies in Arizona. But I must protest the premise, because conservatives are the ones who tend to believe in magical ideas, like: America is never wrong; you can defeat terrorism militarily; and lower taxes will somehow fix the deficit. And I'm not even mentioning the stuff about how Jesus used to fly around on a pterodactyl and just hated it when homos ate wedding cake.

Now, am I saying there are no adults in today's Republican Party? Absolutely not, there are -- but like a lot of parents today, the adults let their kids cow them. And silence them. And rule over them. Rush Limbaugh is a child, a primal scream of a man, but he gets his way because he's the fat bully on the playground; and Glenn Beck is the weepy kid who's always crying because he's insane and you don't know what he's going to do and who he's going to take with him.

For example: to solve our debt crisis, a bunch of Republican senators suggested a bipartisan debt commission, which is the adult thing to do. But when Obama agreed to it, immediately seven of them said no -- now they're against it. Because Obama has cooties. Democrats have cooties, so you can't vote with them, or work with them, and compromise is treason. Compare this to England, where they just had an election two weeks ago and, power changed hands -- but the party that lost is working WITH the part that won -- they are not accusing them of being Bolshevik Zulus out to destroy the Magna Carta. Because the English are grown ups, including their conservatives who enjoy a wonderful luxury that conservatives on this side of the pond do not. They're allowed to be sane. They don't have to pander to creationists and anti-intellectuals. Only in this dumb country do liberals and conservatives argue over things like "evolution" and "climate change" and whether "sick people should be left to die in the street."

The conservative who won in England, David Cameron, was asked if he's religious, and he said, "I don't feel I have a direct line." That's right, he distanced himself from God. If Obama did that we wouldn't see him again until neighbors called the cops about the smell. Conservatives in England don't care about the 3 Gs -- God, guns and gays -- that tilt so many elections in America. And they don't get their policy ideas from TV shows, like 24. You never hear a Brit say, "I'm for torture because it worked on The Avengers."

The Washington Post said David Cameron won by running as a sort of "anti-Sarah Palin." Let those words settle in: "anti-Sarah Palin." They feel so good coming out of my mouth it's like I bit into a refreshing burst of civilization.

Finally, one hallmark of not being adult is a tendency to exaggerate. Like this week when Newt Gingrich said "the Obama administration represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did." Which is basically saying Obama is a billion times worse than any president ever! No, he's infinity times worse!

And it made me think: were we this deranged when Bush was in office? I don't think so -- and Bush merited it: We once did a sketch on this show where we sold George Bush fuck-up collector plates, which included: starting and mismanaging the Iraq War, not catching Bin Laden, Katrina, Abu Ghraib, transforming a budgetary surplus into a giant debt, not doing anything about global warming, sitting on his ass on 9/11, outing Valerie Plame, firing federal prosecutors for political reasons, nominating Harriet Miers, Terri Schiavo, trying to sell the ports to the Arabs...I mean, giant, tangible horrific fuckups that Obama could never equal.

Although with the way he's solving this oil spill, he's off to a good start.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 21, 2010

Friday, May 21, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 21st, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that liberal media stop quoting him in context.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rand Paul



Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A … Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They’re going to try what they call a “top kill.” That’s where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



General Electric is now recalling a million coffee makers because they, um, catch fire. Well, they said you have to admit that will wake you up and get you out of the house.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Gold has no intrinsic value. And if you’re really worried about, say inflation rising, I would by Spam. You know, you can eat Spam, you cannot eat gold.

- Economist Nouriel Roubini



New Rule: California, the state with the most debt and the most marijuana dispensaries must be allowed to avoid bankruptcy by selling weed to neighboring states. That's how we will get out of this budget crisis - by holding a "baked sale." It's the perfect solution. We needs the cash and Arizona needs to chill the f**k out.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Don’t put that in your mouth. A new study finds that dangerous drug-resistant staph infections in children have increased tenfold over the past decade. And for you little ones out there, the infection eats you alive and then you never see Mommy and Daddy again. And you get it from being on a plane and kicking the back of my seat.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Convenience stores can sell beer but they can’t make it. Yes, introducing 7-11’s own beer called Game Day, which can get you so drunk you might even buy one of those hot dogs that have been spinning since the Reagan administration.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Michael Eric Dyson, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, John Fund, Patton Oswalt and Nouriel Roubini

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 14, 2010

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QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 7, 2010

Friday, May 7, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 7th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



I have to get to this first. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not the most important story of the week, it’s just the one I like the best. … George Rekers, the co-founder of a far-Right Christian group called the Family Research Council, sounds very scientific. It’s not. This man devoted his life to curing homosexuality. And you know, people have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re definitely gay! They are 100% sausage-smoking, Barbara Streisand-loving, Project Runway-ready gay.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Mr. George Rekers was caught this week on a European vacation with a 20 year-old male hooker. And his excuse, the first excuse, was that he needed someone to carry his luggage. … Rekers said he could have just bought one of those rolling suitcases, but they look so gay.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, “No, we have nothing to do with him.” … The Taliban said, “The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.”

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the attempted bombing in Times Square



The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks, still safer than a Toyota.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



When you have nothing to lose, it’s probably the best situation to be in for a comedian. I think that, you know, being sent to sleep-away camp ever since you’re six and just wetting the bed every night is so humiliating that, I mean it’s not the holocaust, but it’s probably, it’s second worst.

- Sarah Silverman



You’re show on the holocaust was very funny. And I’ve never used that sentence before.

- Bill Maher to Sarah Silverman



I think that I would like to adopt a mentally retarded baby … When you do something like that, you don’t just do something like that. You have to be very honest with yourself and even accept the ugliest thoughts. For instance, one caveat of adopting a mentally challenged baby might be, best case scenario, you die at 100 of old age, you’re worried about who’s going to take care of your elderly, mentally handicapped child. So I found a solution for me, that works for me. I am going to adopt a mentally retarded baby with a terminal illness.

- Sarah Silverman



New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, “We will not be terrorized,” he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we’re Americans, of course we’re terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Hollywood needs a new coroner. When Brittany Murphy and Corey Haim are ruled to have died from “natural causes”, and Michael Jackson’s autopsy report says he was in “good health”, it’s time to stop using Dr. Whitney Houston.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Salman Rushdie, Alexis Glick, David Frum, Alan Brinkley and Sarah Silverman.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - APR. 30, 2010

Friday, April 30, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, April 30th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue regarding the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico



This is the plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they’re going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



It was just a crappy week for America. The oil spill making a huge mess, and Arizona deporting all the people who mop up.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



And finally New Rule: Although America likes to think it’s #1, we have to admit we’re behind the developing world in at least one thing: Their religious wackos are a lot more wacko than ours. When “South Park” got threatened last week by Islamists incensed at their depiction of Mohammed, it served—or should—as a reminder to all of us that our culture isn’t just different than one that makes death threats to cartoonists. It’s better.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, “Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.”

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



For centuries, you either joined the church or you were killed. Nowadays when a Jehovah’s Witness comes to the door, you turn the garden hose on them.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Chris Matthews, Laura Tyson, Ross Douthat, Congressman Anthony Weiner and John Bolton.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 26, 2010

Friday, March 26, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I feel like I’m watching a John Hughes movie where the nerdy kids miraculously defeat the rich a**holes in the Izod shirts, starring Ally Sheedy as Nancy Pelosi and James Spader as Glenn Beck.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week was one “Giant kid screaming in the cereal aisle” tantrum. From the Right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There’s a Democratic Congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that’s creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the Democrats—I’m sure you heard about this—they put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The Pope heard this, he said, “You can convict a sex offender?”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

A Vatican official was asked that this week if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, “That’s ridiculous, you can’t marry an eight-year-old.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

And finally, I love this: People will know this here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection, it will actually be on the ballot we will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes we will be allowed to grow—listen to this—you can grow marijuana in the backyard of your house. Not a lot, just enough to stave off foreclosure.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher referring to John McCain

What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic. This was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean the insults, the threats, the Armageddon. What’s Armageddon about giving 32 million people healthcare?
- Randi Weingarten

It used to be the Big Business Party. That’s a Republican. Then it got taken over by Jesus. And now they just seem like The Angry White People Party.
- Bill Maher

Removing Thomas Jefferson is like writing Moses out of the Bible.
- Randi Weingarten, referring to Texas changing school books

New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesn’t make you a bad guy. It makes you a great friend. Cardinal Ratzinger “lost the paperwork” on a guy who raped 200 deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move. But let’s put Popes in perspective—John the Seventh drank toasts to Satan. Paul the Fifth condemned Galileo. Alexander the Sixth had a son with his daughter. All the current Pope does is not see anything. He’s not the anti-Christ, he’s just Sergeant Schultz.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed health care reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed health care reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, he’d just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Rob Thomas, Randi Weingarten, Jonathan Capehart, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Hitchens

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 19, 2010

Friday, March 19, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



The Democrats need 216. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote



People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote



There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



At a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, someone got on the PA system and said, “Attention shoppers: All black people must leave the store.” Now, a Wal-Mart spokesman said this is the fault of an employee who completely misunderstood the term “white sale.” … On the bright side, it did stop Tiger Woods from hitting on the check-out girl.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi’s new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me A) his music is as relevant as ever and B) that baby boomers still haven’t figured out how to steal music off the Internet.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Israel has to stop being mad at Obama because he won’t plan a visit. Hey, we’re your ally, not your grandchildren. Calm down and give it a rest, or you’ll get Biden again.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



True Love is like a salesman at Home Depot. It only comes along once or twice in a lifetime so you’ve gotta grab it.

- Bill Maher



This week's guests were Gavin Newsom, Steve Moore, Melinda Henneberger, Emile Hirsch, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - FEB 26, 2010

Friday, February 26, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, February 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



Being politicians you know, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother’s battle with cancer. And Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Obama’s like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Obama reaching out to Republicans



Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart…

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Bush’s visit with Cheney



The games were fun, but there were some high-profile mistakes, come on. Admit it. Like the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Also in the category of obvious but still shocking, an animal called a killer whale killed someone who was trying to play with it. Now, no one knows exactly what enraged the whale, but earlier in the week, it had been thrown off a flight by Southwest Airlines.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



The United States, rather than simply try to talk to these guys who now run Iran, we ought to be looking for ways to strengthen the green movement, the opposition in the streets of Iran, to see if we can’t help bring about a change in politics in that country.

- Richard Haass, President of the Council on Foreign Relations



What I thought was good about the summit was it made clear that there is a real ideological difference. And if Obama believes in healthcare reform he should push it through. He has a majority. He doesn’t need the Republicans to support him.

- Chrystia Freeland, US Managing Editor of The Financial Times



Nobody wants to pay for somebody else.

- Chris Rock, regarding resistance to healthcare reform



If you look at gun violence, the big problem is the war on drugs, in my opinion. I think as long as you criminalize a behavior that tons of folks are involved in, you know, you basically create this huge spiral of crime.

- Reihan Salam, co-author of "Grand New Party" and a columnist at The Daily Beast



The NRA, these are the same guys that are all worried about big government and your rights and your right to thrive and live and everything else. But it you or I grew a pot plant on our property, they’d want it seized by the government n… and to me, that’s just hypocritical.

- Adam Carolla



New Rule: Don’t bring wine to my dinner party. Because then if you drink it, it’s not really a gift, is it? But if I choose a different wine, you’re thinking, “What the hell’s wrong with the bottle I brought?” And when you bring wine and then say, “I don’t drink,” what kind of condescending crap is that? Your cute little gift is such a minefield of potential awkwardness; thank God I’m already high.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Saying “Hey, it was the ‘80s” is not an excuse. This week the New York Times broke the news that when Senator Scott Brown went on a first date with his wife, he was wearing pink leather shorts. Let me repeat that: He was wearing pink leather shorts, because, “It was the 80s.” Scott, I remember the 80’s, and one man wore that outfit. So congratulations, tea-baggers, you just elected Richard Simmons.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Chrystia Freeland, Reihan Salam, Olivia Wilde, Adam Carolla, and Richard Haass, with a special surprise appearance by Chris Rock.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - FEB 19, 2010

Friday, February 19, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, February 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



The reason that we aren’t changing things right now is that the banks have lobbyists in Washington in numbers I’ve never seen.

- Elizabeth Warren, Chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel on TARP



The party out of power believes that they can get back into power by running against government and being the party of “no”.

- Norah O’Donnell



Fundamental reform doesn’t come from bipartisanship. And it seems to me, bipartisanship has become appeasement. Barack Obama won an election based on a set of principles. Fight for them.

- Eliot Spitzer



Any Republican who wants to filibuster now should be required to stand up and read aloud from Twilight.

- Seth MacFarlane



We’ve had our fair share of Bush jokes.

- Seth MacFarlane in response to Bill’s comment that he’s been making fun of the retarded for years



It’s not going to make the military soft or anything. I mean, they’re soldiers. We’re talking, yea, they’re gay, but we’re not talking Ru Paul, Elton John gay, we’re talking “Brokeback Mountain” gay.

- Wanda Sykes regarding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”



New Rule: Just because you can get pregnant, doesn’t mean you must get pregnant. The pregnant man is pregnant for a third time. You know, if you have a beard and a mustache and you have a baby every ten months you’re not a pregnant man, you’re an Italian woman.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Stop calling “The Tea Party” phenomenon a “Movement”. To be a real political movement, you have to, well, move toward some specific legislative goal. The Suffrage Movement, for example, gained voting rights for women, the Civil Rights Movement outlawed discrimination against blacks, and the Gay Rights Movement brought us the Winter Olympics.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Eliot Spitzer, Seth MacFarlane, Norah O’Donnell, Wanda Sykes and Elizabeth Warren.