Friday, August 14, 2009

New Rule: A-hole in One Shouldn't Be Obama's Game

New Rule: President Obama must give up that awful habit that sets such a bad example for young people. I'm talking, of course ... about golf.

Golf, if you're not familiar, is a pastime where you basically walk outdoors with a bag, muttering and cursing. It's like being homeless in loud pants. Anyway, Time magazine is reporting that since he became president, Barack Obama has taken up golf with a passion, playing almost every weekend for the past few months -- and I feel betrayed. He campaigned as a basketball player. It said to us, "I'm urban and athletic and hip and a team player." Golf says, "I like Lipitor and white collar crime." And it's not just golf -- he's been purposefully eating a lot of hamburgers in public lately, to prove he loves meat. And he said that, unlike before he became president, he prays all the time now and that his Faith and Neighbor Initiatives Director sends him scripture on his Blackberry to start every day. Jesus, is there something about that house that turns people into assholes?

I kid the Commander in Chief, he's very far from an asshole, he's a cool dude, and I want to keep him that way! I don't want a regular guy running the country. We tried that for eight years and New Orleans still smells like mildew. Obama was different. He wasn't Joe Six-Pack. He had a six-pack. And when he gave a speech it didn't make English teachers cry. He wasn't some regular schmuck who spent five hours a weekend on the golf course. Why? Because he actually likes his family!

But Democrats have this bad habit of letting the Republicans scare them into acting more "regular guy" than they really are, and then they look inauthentic. Like Hillary drinking shooters. Like Dukakis in the tank. So I'm putting you on notice, Barack Obama: you're from Chicago, the day I see you in a duck blind, I'm taking my hope elsewhere.

So that's why I'm so worried when I see my president playing golf, because golf is a slippery slope. First comes the golf attire, then the golf stories and pretty soon you're telling black jokes. What's worse is that you know Obama doesn't really wanna be golfing, he's just doing it because he thinks it will relax the white people. "How could I be a socialist, I'm putting!" Well, I've got news for you, Mr. President, the people who think you want to kill their Great Aunt Millie aren't going to be swayed by a photo-op on the golf course. They see those photos, they're not thinking you're just like Tiger Woods, they're thinking, "Here comes the Angel of Death, and he's got a nine iron."

There is also a more serious side to this, because golf, hamburgers, and religion are all things that are incredibly bad for the environment. According to the U.N., in 15 years almost two billion people will be living in conditions of absolute water scarcity. And yet, a golf course in Palm Springs consumes as much water per day as an American family uses in four years. Golf courses in America consume over 114 million gallons of water a year on grass that doesn't even get you high. Golf courses also need large quantities of fertilizers and pesticides whose run-off pollutes the ground water for miles around.

This isn't just a third world problem -- there's a water shortage right now in the western United States. If I surpass my monthly water allotment here in Los Angeles, I'll get fined by the city. If I do it twice, they'll send 40,000 prisoners to live in my backyard.

But when it comes to bad for the environment, nothing -- literally -- compares with eating meat. The business of raising animals for food causes about 40 percent more global warming than all cars, trucks, and planes combined. If you care about the planet, it's actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.

There was a news story last week about the U.S. military warning America that the ripple effects from global warming inspired disasters could kill millions of people, but none of them can moonwalk, so nobody gave a shit. But if this "planet" problem is so dire the military is saying they're going to have to start dealing with it, maybe the president should set a better example about how we just can't live exactly as we always have and survive. I'm certainly not suggesting that we "take away" your golf or your hamburgers, but when it comes to being a role model on the environment, this president is out to lunch. With Joe Biden, eating greaseburgers.

Which is a shame, because he and his wife have demonstrated enormous power to lead by example. What they do, Americans want to do, because they're stars, and we're star-fuckers! And, like I said last week, we're not very bright, so we need direction -- if Obama grabbed Biden for lunch next week and ordered a veggie burger -- yes, Sean Hannity will call him a mincing fairy, like he did when Obama used mustard instead of ketchup -- like I ever knew one was more manly than the other. Stop caring what Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin will say about you. Be who you really are - a basketball playing, Jay-Z listening, city-dwelling hipster. The only sand trap I want to see you get out of is Afghanistan. And next time you have to get two guys over for a beer, smoke a little weed.


Guests on this week's program include Brad Pitt, Dana Gould, Ashton Kutcher, General Anthony Zinni and Ross Douthat.

63 comments:

StevePrutz said...
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StevePrutz said...

Maybe more people will believe me now when I say GOLF IS TERRIBLE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. Anything that has the potential to take a shit on the putting green is slain in the name of sport.

laura said...

OK, Mr. Maher I think I'm in love. Can you be any more adorable? A friend of mine just turned me on to you, I had no idea who you even were since I don't have cable and I don't watch much TV anyway. I mean I'd heard your name before, but didn't know anything about you and now I'm hooked. You are awesome, and passionate about the important things. If I wouldn't have a panic attack, I'd totally come see you in person when you come to the east coast, but I can't handle the big crowds. I did see clips of the town hall meetings, of the idiots screaming about their health care and you're so right, it's like why don't they just take care of themselves a little more, so they won't need to run to the doctor every ten minutes. I'm totally with you Sir, I think people are stupid too, and the sad part is I have stories that make those town hall meetings look like MENSA meetings. Thank you so much for just being you, I think your great and you brighten up my days!

Dean Jackson said...

The April 2000 Air Force Instruction, as in effect on 9/11/01, said, "The First Air Force Commander...provides SURVEILLANCE AND CONTROL OF THE AIRSPACE OF THE UNITED STATES..."

In 2004 the Air Force contradictorily said, "Before 2001, 1st Air Force was charged with keeping an eye on the nation’s borders, usually looking for threats in the form of Russian aircraft skirting too close for comfort to the mainland. In those few hours, the command’s mission went from looking outward to looking inward."

See the 5 articles on NORAD at www.DNotice.org

Dean Jackson said...
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lens said...

On Tuesday we got to see what Obama looks like when he's explaining things to his kids. Pity that he has to act like this to explain things to adults... more a shame that it worked to get his message across.

Golf courses, thats where displaced animals are seeking refuge from the encroaching concrete jungle...

lens said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darrell_Issa

He makes Condit look safe. Now I understand why you didn't want to ask Darrell why he's so bent on paving over California, stuffing people into tinderbox units neatly stacked like shoeboxes and not much bigger, and spewing excrement into the Pacific.

ZenGrouch said...

Maher must have been smoking the good shit, whilst sipping on 20 year old scotch straight from the bottle through one of those twistie straws.

Not that there's a god damn thing wrong with any of that! It's just that it makes it difficult to know when to quit typing.

But, umm... the only thing I fear about Obama playing golf, is that someday, he, as did Tiger Woods, may become tired of being referred to as being Black, and point out that in no uncertain terms, his mother was NOT of the Black race.

Then, we'll be in an entirely different world of shit...

As it is now, we can sit back and say, "SHUT THE FUCK UP NIGGERS! WE GOT ONE OF *YOU* IN THE BIG HOUSE!"

We're fucked if Obama decides to set the record straight, and point out that he's the 50% solution, not the real McCoy, or McWilliams.

Hopefully, Obama may decide to go the other way, and embrace his Blackness, by breaking the head off his putter and stabbing to death, with the shaft, anyone who dares to say something stupid and white, like, "Bush did have some good points."

Robyn Webb, CTS said...

When I'm elected Queen of the World, my first official act will be to plow over the golf courses and grow food. We will also be confiscating all golf clubs to be beaten into plowshares.

GeishaInKimono said...

What a marvellous posting. It's a talent of yours Mr. Maher to input humour and rowdy-mouthed language into an article which is supposed to be sending a very serious message and, what seems to me, the downfall of Obama (already). I understand, probably like everyone else that Obama has a lot on his shoulders and sometimes he should kick back his feet, fold some paper and play with paper aeroplanes. I don't know, the whole situation sounds similar to Animal Farm Which was written by George Orwell. Indeed, How does the White House turn normal men who wear shoes with torn soles like Obama into arseholes?

Barnacle said...

it's a rare day i disagree with you and it ain't today either!
and thank you for the comment about golf course using all that water. we are battling a PGA style course some a-hole wants to build on the Placencia peninsula Belize.
they will suck all our water and runoff will ruin our lagoon!
i never miss your show.
thanks!!!

bill

Steve said...

The problem I have with BM's analysis is: I am not ready to give BO a pass because he is "cool". In what real respect is he "cool" - because he reads well off the teleprompter in complete sentences and attempts basketball (I guess we'll ignore his pitch at the All Star Game)? POTUS is about getting something done - not this superfluous stuff. Besides, Tiger Woods is cooler than BO, and he is a golfer!!

lens said...

If elected president, I promise to do away with social security, the speed limit, all laws requiring insurance. I will do away with traffic citations: if elected I will make sure everybody has the right to be free. No drinking age, no gun control, I'll shut down the FDA, eliminate building codes, laws against prostitution, drugs and pornography, the EPA and those laws too. I will abolish the DMV, the DOT and grant Firestone exclusive oversight of all tire production. I promise to close the prisons and have the former traffic cops work with the guards to execute or free the inmates, on a case by case basis.

There is nothing wrong with the planet, there are just too many people. Eliminating idiotproof laws will eliminate all the idiots unfit to survive. I'll have my freedoms and the lizard people are in the way! This plastic veneer is too boring anyway. Let 'God' sort them out the way 'God' has been managing things here on the 3rd stone from dawn since the beginning.

3-5 billion fewer wrong opinions and the atmosphere will recover, Mother Nature will recycle all the pollution, there will be plenty of clean water, fuel and whole foods; Bambi will come back, and there won't be any crazies trying to regenerate dinosaurs from frog DNA.

One more happy idea:
I see that the health care debate rapidly degraded from health care to a bunch of pussies terrified of their own mortality. These are the same pussies so sure that mythical God will magically save them from the recycler. Everybody dies, shut yer whining, suck it up and show some class: the health care plan does not - though I'm sure Obama had to trade something to the ignoramouses to keep this one off - guarantee eternal life.

independent_thinker said...

Hey! About time a blog about Zenny!

A-hole in One? That's Zenny's game!

Ditzy Becker said...

Hey Bill,

Seems obvious that Hannity knows the hand gestures, foot tapping & other cues.

I read Beck's book. He's a blow hard self promoter, devout follower of PT Barnum. He might have saved some time, his entire philosophy on life is succinctly illustrated on page 78. But that would cut into his equally bloated book deal...

2 birds down: glad I didn't buy it!

lens said...

Sarah Palin is THE MOTHER IN LAW FACTOR. Are you afraid of MILFs? You should be. Especially you Levi; be very afraid.

The newest Fox O'Reality Show coming soon, 'Republican MILF': starring Sarah Palin. September 9 2009. Starting 9.9.9 Fox brings you into the personal hell of her family! Just like you, see her immediate victims living in quiet desperation! Watch as the fun starts, as her new inlaws realize what they've gotten their rubarb into!

Thats Sarah Palin: The Mother In Law Factor starring in "Republican MILF" starting on FOX 9/9/9 at 9:09! Both 9:09s! Check It! Bring your own bong Sarah, I wouldn't share with yooooooouuu!

lens said...

Point: Ashton. We just gettin the crazies, don't mind while we rape your boarding school! (thats based on fact, supressed news)

lens said...

Point: Ashton. What may happen if you don't finish what you start, is some Stalinesque tard like W (Cheney is fronting) will twist it his way.

Run Fast said...

Hey Bill,
You dont think there are too many fundamentalists out in the world wanting to do us harm..? Lets just say there is 15 crazy fundamentalists...nope...they cant do shit...you are right. Ya, I guess if there is 19 of them though, and they coordinate in a Tora Bora cave in Afghanistan or apartment in Hamburg Germany..they can only kill 3000 Americans..of which 343 were FDNY Firefighters. You are an idiot... I am in awe of your ignorance. Go Fuck yourself.

independent_thinker said...

Ashton,Bill....

You think our "crazies" compare to Al Quaeda or the Taliban?

Move to Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Pakistan...etc...get my drift?

You have got to be fucking kidding me!

We have crazies as we always have but: NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ABOVE!

Give me a fucking break!

Zenny will find this one....lol

lens said...

That was great. I have one question: why do you think the bent democrats are caving to the equally bent, guncrazies on the other side of the aisle?

lens said...

15 out of 15 religulous 'fundamentalists' are doomed to fail.

If you are in service in country, say it. Otherwise fuck you, poser.

independent_thinker said...

Our Country has gone to:

"Stupid is as Stupid does"!

That's all there is too it!

Screw you attitude....it's my way or the highway!

lens said...
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independent_thinker said...

Give me a fucking break!

lens said...
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Revbailey said...

I LOVE Brad Pitt, but could someone please point out to him that "Christian" does NOT equal "gay basher." I am deeply Christian and also deeply committed personally and theologically to the right of gays and lesbians to marry. Pitt is free to embrace or not embrace religion, but don't paint all Christians with the same narrow brush!

Revbailey said...

I LOVE Brad Pitt. But seriously, someone needs to let him know that "Christian" does not equal "gay basher." I am deeply Christian and deeply committed personally and theologically to the right of gay and lesbian couples to marry. Brad is free to embrace or not embrace religion, but please don't paint all Christians with the same narrow brush.

lens said...
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lens said...
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dweebisis said...

DWEEBISIS: Stupid - Narcissism and News Flash: Brad Pitt is also unattractive.

lens said...
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lens said...
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ZenGrouch said...

"Hey! About time a blog about Zenny!

A-hole in One? That's Zenny's game!"
...

You got me there. I prefer the solitary of being an ahhole in one...

...rather than the hectic Right Wing Nut game of circle jerking in public toilets.

But what the hey! You guys are pack animals, with a herd mentality. Gotta go with what ever blows up your skirt, snookums.

lens said...
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lens said...
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ZenGrouch said...

"Our Country has gone to:

"Stupid is as Stupid does"!

That's all there is too it!

Screw you attitude....it's my way or the highway!"
...

...riiiiiight!

The left wingers invented that, don't ya' know?

independent_thinker said...

lens said...

I like Brad Pitt, he's a great actor. His playing a stoner was one of the 2 best actors performances I have seen - the other was Woody in Natl Born Killers (excellent support by Tommy Lee)




Don't get me wrong but! You're worried about his political stance when you think his best movies were these? A Stoner and Natural Born Killers?


"Legends of The Fall" - "Interview with a Vampire" - "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button".....?

OMG! I worry about you....lol

independent_thinker said...

ZenGrouch said..

..riiiiiight!

The left wingers invented that, don't ya' know?



Well, for once you said something correct!!!

lens said...
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lens said...
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lens said...
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independent_thinker said...

lens said...

so, any of you want to vote what color my skin is, and if I'm swinging a pair?



I know Zenny is hoping to use the "C" word again....lol

Ed said...

One of the interesting features of the "Human Bill of Rights" is:
You can increase the scope by amending it. No one screams socialism about it. Governments have to measure up to it. Stop calling it "Health Care Reform". "Health Rights" in the "Human Bill of Rights". It is a global issue, bring the fight to the root and set an example. Not everything has to be for profit. Doctors want to live large, go into cosmetic surgery, suckle on the vanity of those who can afford it and stop praying on those who can not afford the basic service. Not insurance, a health co-op. Insurance forces the prices go up so you have to by insurance, fear mongering.
Ed-

Ed said...

One of the interesting features of the "Human Bill of Rights" is:
You can increase the scope by amending it. No one screams socialism about it. Governments have to measure up to it. Stop calling it "Health Care Reform". "Health Rights" in the "Human Bill of Rights". It is a global issue, bring the fight to the root and set an example. Not everything has to be for profit. Doctors want to live large, go into cosmetic surgery, suckle on the vanity of those who can afford it and stop praying on those who can not afford the basic service. Not insurance, a health co-op. Insurance forces the prices go up so you have to by insurance, fear mongering.
Ed-

ZenGrouch said...

"I know Zenny is hoping to use the "C" word againlol"...

...shut up nigger

hyperionmhx said...

I must admit, when Bill listed the names of his guests I was like: What??? Brad Pitt AND Kutcher, what's up with you Bill?

At least Pitt can speak his own mind and you could tell their were his own words. Unlike Kutcher, who again, probably got all the answers crammed into his brain at home by Demi. Just loved the expression on his face, when mentioned an arcticle and started talking about 1993-2007, just the look on Kutcher's face could tell he was thinking: "S***! We didn't go through this with Demi, how the hell am I gonna answer THIS?"

I don't know what Kutcher is doing on Real Time, he's just a stupid kid. He was sweating like a pig the whole time.

lens said...
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lens said...
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hyperionmhx said...

Listen Lens...Those weren't Ashton's own words and you know it. He just memorized it like in his previous apperances. He's not smart. He's just a Hollywood-pretty-boy with a few funny movies.

Pitt did do well. And I've got know beef with him.

And would prefer it if you wouldn't call me a slave.

The only slaves are the one that "want their country back from Obama" and those narrow-minded, religious fools.

And that's my opinion. Whether you like it or not.

ZenGrouch said...

...hmmm, a serious debate on the inner workings of Ashton Kutcher's brain.

I hope I die soon.

HKQuincy said...

On the August 14 show, guest Ross Douthat said without challenge that the rich pay most taxes. He also said American corporations are the most heavily taxed in the world. Both of these statements are false.

The rich do not pay most taxes. Since the 1980s, Social Security taxes have steadily increased. The purpose was to create a surplus in the Social Security Trust Fund. Each year only half the money collected is needed to cover retirees. The rest is surplus. This surplus has been used to pay the government’s bills. This makes half of the Social Security tax a hidden income tax.

How much money are we talking about? So far, the amount adds up to $3.9 trillion (in today’s dollars). Only working Americans pay the tax. The very rich, who get their money through dividends and capital gains (the sale of stocks and bonds) pay not one penny. Also, doctors, lawyers, and CEOs with huge incomes have only part of their income taxed (the first $100,000); the rest is not taxed at all.

Add this hidden income tax to the actual income tax, and average Americans pay 58% of federal income taxes. Which is a big burden because they earn only 44% of all income. When you add state and local taxes to the mix, working Americans pay 61% of all taxes.

Our corporations are not the most heavily taxed in the world. The truth is they pay almost no taxes. That’s right — no taxes. On the books they are supposed to pay a 45% tax. But there are so many loopholes that 63% of corporations pay no tax at all. A third pay less than 5%. Only a handful of corporations pay more than this, and on average it’s less than the Social Security tax. The truth? American corporations pay the lowest corporate taxes in the world.

How do I know these things? I’m just finishing a book that exposes these lies and many more.

Respectfully,
Keith Quincy, Professor of Government, Emeritus EWU

p.s.
If the staff at “Real Time” wants more explanation, I will gladly send along my chapter on taxes, repleat with references, graphs, and tables.

ZenGrouch said...

Someone wrote the following in Twitter and I don't have a good answer...

"HangingGardener@ZenGrouch a filibuster proof congress and a democratic president. What are the DEMS afraid of?! LMAO!!!!!"...

Anyway, if the Democrats let health care reform slip through their fingers again, that's it, I give up. I won't be voting anymore, well, not for a while anyway.

Fuck it. The idiots are winning and once we start that slide down the slope of idiocy, that's it.

At least if I don't vote, they won't bother me with those god damned jury duty nastygrams.

Susie Taylor Miller said...

Mr. Pitt mentioned there were probably only 3 Christians, if any, that watched Real Time... WELL, my husband and I watch every week! We are Christ followers, not religion mongers. We appreciate your willingness, Bill, to tell it like it is! Honest and real. We don't agree with everything and everyone on the show, but we agree with the freedom to express opinions and dialogue openly! So, now we are looking for that 3rd Christian! Where are you? :} Be well...

Scarlett Ohara said...

HERE I AM, SUSIE!!!! Glad to meet ya!!!

independent_thinker said...

ZenGrouch said...

"I know Zenny is hoping to use the "C" word againlol"...

...shut up nigger





Wow! You just never cease to amaze me as to the class and integrity in your soul! Oops! I forgot, you have no soul!

My Bad!

ZenGrouch said...

"Wow! You just never cease to amaze me as to the class and integrity in your soul! Oops! I forgot, you have no soul!"...

Look, if you got nothing but personal attacks to respond with, go fuck your daddy ...again, OK?

independent_thinker said...

ZenGrouch said...(in response to me)

Look, if you got nothing but personal attacks to respond with, go fuck your daddy ...again, OK?





Well crap, just posted something nice to you on one other of Bill's blogs..can't remember and now you just ruined it!

big sigh!

xlinker said...

Sibel Edmonds - the most credible whistleblower alive today, completely backed up by the FBI 100%, yet gagged by our government, has been let loose to say what she knows, yet the media isn't covering it. The BRAD BLOG is breaking the story hard with videos of her previously gagged depostion. Many senators and government officials were being protected, and still are, because our media refuses to cover it. Here's a link for you to check it out.
http://www.bradblog.com/?p=7374

Susie Taylor Miller said...

To Scarlett Ohara... Nice to meet you too! Be well!

Cliff said...

Lets have a Show that people will remember for a long time. Prise winning Show. Audit Politions Expense Accounts. They get $750.00 per day to travel PLUS a FREE GAS Credit Card. Double Dipping????? I think so. If they do NOT travel some days,[vacation. holiday they still collect $750.00 per day plus they use the free gas credit card.
They make VACATIONS a Working Vacation & WE ge to paay for it. The ENTIRE vacation goes on there Expense Account.
When they get Cought. The answer is allways the same. I thought I could do that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sense said...

Does anybody know a way to get this word out quickly? The following approach could help.

The current case before the Supreme Court, which could allow corporations almost unrestricted campaign contributions, stands to give away unrestricted voice to corporations via unlimited campaign contributions (striking down the McCain- Feingold law).

Justices Scalia and Roberts have been attempting to give more and more individual constitutional rights to corporations on the grounds that corporations are indeed people under our constitution. The more realistic and ”strict” interpretation of corporations is that they are not “people” but “ideas” for the organization of human endeavors – like “baseball” or almost anything you can name which organizes people together in an activity.

So let’s substitute the word corporation for people in our two cornerstone expressions of the Constitution – the Declaration of Independence and the Preamble of the Constitution itself. Here’s how it sounds! It’s hard to call this constitutional interpretation “strict construction” as Scalia and Roberts both describe their mutual approach to constitutional interpretation.

Declaration of Independence:
We hold these truths to be self-evident that all corporations are created equal to men, that they are endowed by The Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of wealth. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men and corporate brethren, deriving their just powers from the consent of the corporations and their benefactors. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the corporations to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and success.

The Preamble:
We the Corporations of the United States, in Order to complete a more perfect Union, establish inanimate Justice for business concepts, insure corporate Stability, provide for the corporate defense, [1] promote the corporate Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to corporations and their Acquisitions in Perpetuity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United Corporations of America to stand alongside with the People’s Constitution.

See original documents for comparison.

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