Friday, March 26, 2010


Friday, March 26, 2010


Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I feel like I’m watching a John Hughes movie where the nerdy kids miraculously defeat the rich a**holes in the Izod shirts, starring Ally Sheedy as Nancy Pelosi and James Spader as Glenn Beck.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week was one “Giant kid screaming in the cereal aisle” tantrum. From the Right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There’s a Democratic Congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that’s creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the Democrats—I’m sure you heard about this—they put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The Pope heard this, he said, “You can convict a sex offender?”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

A Vatican official was asked that this week if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, “That’s ridiculous, you can’t marry an eight-year-old.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

And finally, I love this: People will know this here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection, it will actually be on the ballot we will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes we will be allowed to grow—listen to this—you can grow marijuana in the backyard of your house. Not a lot, just enough to stave off foreclosure.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher referring to John McCain

What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic. This was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean the insults, the threats, the Armageddon. What’s Armageddon about giving 32 million people healthcare?
- Randi Weingarten

It used to be the Big Business Party. That’s a Republican. Then it got taken over by Jesus. And now they just seem like The Angry White People Party.
- Bill Maher

Removing Thomas Jefferson is like writing Moses out of the Bible.
- Randi Weingarten, referring to Texas changing school books

New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesn’t make you a bad guy. It makes you a great friend. Cardinal Ratzinger “lost the paperwork” on a guy who raped 200 deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move. But let’s put Popes in perspective—John the Seventh drank toasts to Satan. Paul the Fifth condemned Galileo. Alexander the Sixth had a son with his daughter. All the current Pope does is not see anything. He’s not the anti-Christ, he’s just Sergeant Schultz.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed health care reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed health care reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, he’d just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Rob Thomas, Randi Weingarten, Jonathan Capehart, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Hitchens


Gene Eplett said...

I'm a fan of your show and I read Hitchen's books, but you guys take cheap shots. You said nobody here will take the side of the molesters, but I will and it will change your mind.

In addition, Hitchen's doesn't find god because he's looking in the wrong place. God is not a man or a thing. It is a state of mind, one third of our minds to be exact. God didn't create religions people did, men mostly. Religions are fan clubs, and god is the celebrity, but he (it) has nothing to do with the clubs.

Anonymous said...

I've reached the point of disbelieving anything any fake TV news puppet says without 3 concurring, objective supporting reports.

The people of Oklahoma stocked up on ammo when BO got crowned because they saw the local news showing the 3 undetonated bombs in the Murrow federal building being cleared. didn't make Ruperts' compost heap, inspired V though.

I finally got Religulous the DVD.Bill, your mom was cool, I see where you got your effervescence. I like DVDs because the extra stuff - cutting room debris, commentaries - add a dimension of meaning.

Best parts: Bill gets thrown out of Saint Peters. Most epic street theatre, even better was that he reported it while standing in front of the 100' pagan phalliic monument that the fascist pope had erected when his global political overran the C of R.

Bill the best DVD commentary ever is the movie BLOW starring John Depp. Its the finest docudrama ever made. The commentary track is by George Jung, whose life story this movie tells. I like yours, but this one with the the most honorable multiple felon, constitutional American hero and patriot in custody of the evil empire blows away anything the media machine has got.

Check it.

btw happy to see you on itunes, as 120 million Americans are struggling to keep their homes you're going to have to get away from the subscription model and back to ads. We are kicking HBO for hard reasons, not fucking ratings.

Got that, marketing scabies?

Unknown said...

The lady from the AFT wasn't very good...not very strong and didn't always answer Bill's questions directly :(

For example, why aren't more bad teachers fired? She didn't make the case that the administration of a school CAN get rid of a bad teacher that's a union member! All they need to do is THEIR job and follow through with evals and documentation. That's it, period.

Jennifer said...

Randi Wiengarten and the AFT are ahead of the curve on school reform. Her leadership and the voices of the teachers and staff is what is necessary to change America's schools. Teachers know what children need. I applaud her focus on the importance of insuring all teachers receive fair evaluations and access to the resources they need to help all of America's children succeed.

Lisa WantsReform said...

I am obviously a fan of the show and I got very excited when Randi Wiengarten came on the show. I wanted to hear her address the failure in our schools. I taught high school for three years and was laid off last June. Since I have more time to spare, I started a blog regarding exactly what Randi brought up on your show. My blog,, is dedicated to finding a better way to evaluate teachers. Tenure is obviously not the answer and there is much more to it than just looking at grades or graduation rates. I would love for more people to give their suggestions on what to do about this issue.
Health Reform, check. Education reform, LET'S DO THIS!!!

Anonymous said...

Just the most fantastic show I have ever seen in my fifty-years of viewing. I want to thank you and your staff for bringing sane comments and information to those of us who have been starved for so long.
I am an expat living in Taiwan who is reevaluating whether I would consider coming back to the states. Before now, it was never considered. I watch your show over the Internet, as I have donated my TV to a less fortunate family.
If there is anything that I can do to support your cause, please let me know.

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Matt Brown, Coloradans for Medical Marijuana Regulation said...

Great quote from Randi Weingarten regarding the marijuana legalization initiative in California. The clip is on YouTube at

We are working on creating a comprehensive regulatory scheme for medical marijuana in Colorado. In the last 6 months, we have had incredible success engaging our legislators and the public by being reasonable and pragmatic in the regulations being written by our legislature.

Every time another respected voice like Ms. Weingarten supports pragmatic reform to the nation's marijuana laws, the public is again reminded that the sky will not fall if sick people have safe access to medicine or responsible adults prefer to smoke rather than drink their preferred intoxicant.

Thank you Bill for continuing to push the case for reasonable marijuana reforms!

Anonymous said...

Bill... I am a teacher who comes from a distressed school district in Michigan to say the least. Let's just say that one of the reasons that I am not working this year is due to an incompetent principal and central administration that allowed her to manipulate the class offerings to allow for a ridiculous amount of English electives and no Social Studies electives. This was to save her 3 friends and to cut out a teacher she did not like. All the while there are tenth graders not scheduled in ANY social studies classes when the new graduation requirements in Michigan require them to take 3 credits. What a disservice to our youngsters. What she is doing is criminal...

The moral of the story is that we can't always blame the teachers because the administration are even worse...

Anonymous said...


You actually left out the funniest part of Limbaugh's "promise" to leave the country if the HCR bill passed, which was that he'd move to Costa Rica...a country that's had full blown universal healthcare since 1973.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bill, I saw what you had to say about Jessie James cheating with some one a bit more his demographic.. But the fact remains that you nor I believe in monogamy as it is a religious fallacy. Why wouldn't it make sense for two turtles to fuck as opposed to a turtle and a horse? I happen to be 24 years old, heavily tattooed, in pursuit of a science and philosophy major and let me just say that the closest thing to religion I have is your show. Jessie James didn't do any thing wrong, he was simply following the rules of nature, not god. Though I will agree that any one that makes a commitment and goes back on it is wrong.. But wasn't it also you that said "what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business."? Let the tabloids handle that stupid gossip shit, your better than that Bill. And not all heavily modified people are scumbag killers, (as if I had to clear that up) were just like you, only visibly more artistic.


Anonymous said...

I loved you in D.C. Cab!,and also Tomcats. I can't understand why you walked away from your acting career just to make money bad-mouthing your president and your country? Somebody needs to warn Jay about shaking hands with you. I heard you always jack-off before you come out on stage!

Anonymous said...

Maher, you are a fool, a fuckin idiot with your generalizations, that would be profoundly unacceptable if directed at a liberal. Why don't you eat shit and die?

Gold Is Money said...

Have you seen the Silver and Gold manipulation being conducted by JP Morgan?

James said...


You said you wished that Republicans would watch your show. I am registered as a Republican, but consider myself a moderate conservative, and I watch your show. I have watched you since the politically incorrect days and your shows have helped me to see liberalism as it truly is. I must admit I have never listened to Rush or Glenn Beck either. If you truly want more Republicans to watch, and you weren't just blowing smoke; get some real guests. You always seem to get neo-con's who seem unreasonable and match them up with somewhat moderate liberals to pad your side. But then again, it is your show. Remember the PI days when you had "ordinary people" on a panel once a week? You need to do that now instead of always having celeberties. If you ever decide to have "real people" on let me know, I would be happy to represent the reasonable side of the country! But with you being so used to framing the ignorant neo-cons as the mainline republicans, you probably couldn't handle a real moderate Republican!!!!!

saluti said...

Happy Easter Bill :) ... I think that I understand your criticism of the Vatican re its silence on the immorality of the child abuse in the catholic church ... but ... don't you think that its silence on the immorality of the wars in Iraq & afghanistan is much more problematic & deserving of even a greater condemnation ... The mayhem , death , suffering & destruction of those wars is far more damaging to MANY more people by far - let alone the sinful waste of capital & resources ... saluti

Dandelino said...

I just want to say you ALWAYS speak out of my heart and I adore you. Ever since Politically Incorrect I have admired this once in a lifetime mind of yours - and that will always remain the case. And - it is not just the mind - you do have these truly amazing intelligient eyes that entirely and wholly speak for themselves. Without words. There are those people in this world who should never die or be lost - and you are one of them - I love you!

Ella Therese :-)

Brian S. said...

Bill, I saw you on the Tonight Show, and when you were talking about the ballot initiative in November for the legalization of marijuana, Jay Leno complaned about how the country doesn't manufacture anything anymore and he was dubious about the tax benefits. Maybe next time you talk about cannabis on your show or his show, you could mention that growing industrial hemp WOULD be manufacturing SOMETHING- material for paper, clothing, hemp seed oil,feed for livestock, etc. It could just possibly be a great thing for farmers all over our country. It grows pretty much everywhere, and it does not erode topsoil. Also, it could save a load of trees and create jobs- GREEN JOBS!- Ones that can't be exported. It would benefit the economy in many ways.
Your show rocks! New rules RULES!

Unknown said...

Are you really surprised that a German Pope would claim, "I didn't know what was happening?" And you shouldn't be surprised if his next line of defense is, "I was only following orders - from God."

Anonymous said...

WW2 std issue Nazi belt buckles read, "Gott mit uns"

That means "God with us".

Guess not.

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Unknown said...

Bill, you continue to preach to the converted but alienate respectable members of society like this guy, - He may be over 80% cartoon character, but he seems to have seen the truth...and YOU are not it!

How do you keep your sanity with a base of opponents consisting of similarly deluded and self-righteous imbeciles? I like to think that you thrive off it but you really must have the World's most frustrating job...but we need people like you to at least give us the illusion that we are not fighting a lost cause against the Hannity brigade


Unknown said...

I just got HBO and watched my first episode of the Bill Maher Show with Jesse Ventura talking about legalizing marijuana in CA. AWESOME!

I have always thought highly of Mr. Ventura because he says what he truly believes without fear of what people might think of him. I don't always agree with anyone on every subject, either, Mr. Ventura included, but I think it is really cool that he has accomplished so many positive things.

I recognize Mr. Ventura as an awesome showman and statesman in so many circumstances, but most of all it is the positive image of him that so many people have, regardless of his particular viewpoints that inspires me to want to be a better person.

It was excellent to see that there are so many opportunities for well spoken, intelligent people to be able to talk openly about viewpoints on subjects that have for so long been "Taboo" in America, due to the success of the Bill Maher Show! I'll be a fan whenever I'm able, but I'll admit that I'm not the kind of person to watch all of any series episode unless the particular segment interests me. There's just too much other good and fun stuff to experience in life to be brain dead to the "ol' Boob Tube" ya' know?!

I have been very outspoken about ending marijuana Prohibition for adults in America for a long time, especially since getting the 'Net in 1996, and I personally believe all responsible adults in a truly free society should have the right to put any substance they so choose into their own bodies, so long as they do no harm to anyone else. Prohibition against any substance is wrong, because taking away someone's freedoms for making a personal choice that harms no one is wrong in America!

However, things are different for me now because of being low-income and disabled, and my political beliefs now seem to be at odds with each other because I feel that people should oppose the Regulate, Control, and Tax Cannabis Act of 2010 for the following reasons:

If this Initiative passes, CA MMJ patients will be limited to a 5' x 5' area to grow their medicine (difficult if they use edibles, tinctures, oils, etc., to grow enough in such a small space)

The rights of CA MMJ patients won't be respected in their homes if they rent or lease because property owners/landlords even now have the right to say "No!”

CA MMJ patients still won't be allowed safe access to medicinal cannabis products because of the Federal government's staunch opposition to cannabis use that continues under President Obama.

Many MMJ patients in places like the San Joaquin Valley already faced discrimination from the street dealers and the cops before the dispensaries and collectives were challenged in court. After that fiasco, we lost a lot of respect as legal CA State MMJ ID cardholders, even among our supposedly "intellectual" and/or "conservative" Fresno population.

This Initiative especially doesn't help legal CA MMJ patients if your local government (city and/or county) adopts a zoning ordinance that says to comply you must follow all Federal laws, like here in Fresno. That attitude was what ultimately got those good people shut down, although at all the hearings the presiding Judge adamantly and honorably supported the rights of MMJ patients and their caregivers/providers while condemning the underhanded tactics of the City of Fresno.

I believe that if this Initiative passes this November, legal MMJ patients in CA, especially here in the San Joaquin Valley, will be even more horribly discriminated against than we have been over the past year or so, and I think even more Federal Government wrath down upon the heads of anyone caught with cannabis products in CA, especially legitimate and legal MMJ patients.

I plan vote "NO" on the Regulate, Control, and Tax Cannabis Act of 2010, and I will be outspoken about this belief to all "Patient Friends" I can reach.

Jasa Penerjemah said...

Are you really surprised that a German Pope would claim, "I didn't know what was happening?" And you shouldn't be surprised if his next line of defense is, "I was only following orders - from God."

muebles segovia said...

The dude is completely just, and there is no suspicion.

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Unknown said...

I'm not counting on Bill Maher to read this, but just in case he does, I have 6 quick points to make:

1. This is the mission statement of the church:
In exercising supreme, full, and immediate power in the universal Church, the Roman pontiff makes use of the departments of the Roman Curia which, therefore, perform their duties in his name and with his authority for the good of the churches and in the service of the sacred pastors.

2. The mission statement speaks of some type of responsibility dictated by the context of the bible (hence, open interpretation).

3. Bill Maher speaks of this open interpretation indicating under his breath that the papacy is useless and corrupt.

4. This brings criticism from Vatican city for oversimplifying the papacy's mission.

5. If Bill Maher covers the pope again on his show, I am asking him to address the lack of a clear goal in the mission statement. Advocate for reform within the papacy, and tell them to advertise themselves as a religious pro bono organization instead of a religious/ political monopoly, trying to hang on to whatever political claims they have left (which is essentially none minus the support of the catholic populous).

Overall: It's not what the pope does, it's how he does it that can make an impact on society.

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