By
BILL MAHER
2012: I call it the year in “meh.”
Not the worst we’ve ever experienced, but nothing particularly great to say
about it either. Like being a socialite, but in Tampa.
I am looking forward to 2013,
however, because I love the odd-numbered years — they’re the ones without
congressional elections, Olympics, World Cups or weird extra days tacked onto
the calendar by so-called scientists. Odd-numbered years are chill. They’re the
3 p.m. of years — that small sliver of time when lunch is digested and it’s too
early to think about dinner and you stand at least a fighting chance of getting
something done.
In that spirit, here are the New
Rules for the new year:
NEW RULE Now that their end-of-the-world prophecy has proved to be
complete baloney, the Mayans must be given a job predicting election results
for Fox News.
NEW RULE Sometime during the 2013 awards show season, “Gangnam
Style” must be given an award for the shortest amount of time
between my finding out what something is to my being completely sick of it.
Besting the time of 7 hours, 12 minutes, set by “The Macarena” in 1996.
NEW RULE Congress must make it a tradition to drive off the fiscal
cliff every year. And I mean really off the cliff, like Toonces the cat drove
that car. This way Republicans can learn that lower military spending won’t
lead to China invading. And Democrats can learn that no one cares what the
Commerce Department does anyway.
NEW RULE No more mixing politics with pizza. The filthy rich founder
of Papa John’s, John Schnatter, said he’d cut his employees’ hours to avoid the
costs of Obamacare. This is where I’d normally suggest boycotting Papa John’s,
but that’s like telling people to boycott sadness. Nobody eats Papa John’s
because they like it. They eat it because Domino’s won’t deliver to crack
houses.
NEW RULE The winners of next month’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog
Show must later compete against the winners of “Toddlers & Tiaras” — so we
can get their handlers in one place, lock the doors and let the kids and dogs
run for their lives.
NEW RULE The New Year’s Eve ball drop must be moved to one of the
two states that recently legalized pot, so we can hear the crowd sing in
unison, “Should old acquaintance be... what are the words again?”
NEW RULE Second-term Obama must have a few laughs by acting out the
Tea Party’s worst fears. He must order Air Force One to fly everywhere
upside-down like Denzel and replace Bo the White House dog with two pit bulls
named “Malcolm” and “X.”
NEW RULE Drugstores, supermarkets, department stores and all other
retail establishments must stop asking me to join their “club.” A club is a
place to have a few drinks. What you’re offering me is two dollars off a bottle
of NyQuil. And that’s nothing like being in a club. Unless I drink the whole
bottle at once.
NEW RULE You can’t run for president if you don’t know how old the
world is. Quizzed recently, Marco Rubio answered, “I’m not a scientist, man.”
As if you have to be Galileo to Google, “How old is the earth?” And when asked
his thoughts on evolution, Chris Christie said, “None of your business!” Which
is what you say when someone asks you if you made a baby with the maid. Fellas,
if you and your party want to be taken seriously, you don’t have to recite the
collected works of Stephen Hawking — just stop regurgitating the Facebook page
of Sarah Palin.
NEW RULE If we must sit through a 30-second ad to see your Web site,
you have to take down all of those banner ads, which no one has clicked on
since 1997. Please — I’m trying to watch a video of a nipple slip from last
night’s episode of “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Let’s not cheapen it.
