Thursday, April 7, 2011


Friday, March 25, 2011


Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 25, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, “reckless.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about the US handling of Libya

Now that Obama has three wars going, they’ve been asking him about his Nobel Peace Prize and he said he’s going to keep it but he would only wear it with his tie that looks like a keyboard, so people know it’s ironic.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?

- Bill Maher is his opening monologue

If Bachman and Palin get in, that’s two bimbos. And there there’s Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we’ve got “Gilligan’s Island.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

She stood at the Wailing Wall and said ‘I stood here for 45 minutes and didn’t see one whale.’

- Bill Maher on Sarah Palin’s visit to Israel

Embedded journalists and members of Congress are taken on a show where they see a dog one day and the pony the next day and they don’t leave the forward operating bases…the reality is, we’re losing that war militarily.

- Jeremy Scahill on the War in Afghanistan and the media’s reporting on it

This is what America needs, a guy that can out douche bag Muammar Gaddafi. This is how we restore America, with fraudulent real estate deals.

- Bill Maher on Donald Trump’s comments about swindling Gaddafi out of rental land

We’re incapable of doing good things ourselves, it seems, but we’ve got the Republican Party that will bail us out every single time.

- Ed Rendell on an ineffective Democratic Party’s achievements due to Republican over-reaching

We are so screwed up about partisan politics…that we can’t act together on some things that we know are right.

- Ed Rendell

New Rule: The Pentagon has to stop naming military operations. Libya is "Operation Odyssey Dawn." What does that mean? Why name these things in the first place? It's teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although ironically, the nickname for my penis is "Operation Odyssey Dawn."

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If you make a plane like the F-22, and it cost $350 million each and then you have THREE wars, and you still don't use it, you have to admit that the defense budget is really a jobs program. Did we buy this plane as a favor to someone in the office? Is it a supersonic Girl Scout cookie? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya: who are we saving it to fight? The Transformers?

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Jeremy Scahill, David Brooks, Tina Brown, Ed Rendell and Ellen Page.


Dan said...

"This is what America needs, a guy that can out douche bag Muammar Gaddafi. This is how we restore America, with fraudulent real estate deals.

- Bill Maher on Donald Trump’s comments about swindling Gaddafi out of rental land"

This maniac is just about ready to twist off, Charlie Sheen style...

...cocksucker might be our next president.

Anonymous said...

Whoever decoded the wikileaks insurance file will be or own the next President.

Average American said...

It's obvious the government isn't going to cut budget on military & war spending. Wall Street & it's investors love the money made from it. One way the US government could cut spending would be to start with it's own federal employees and their excessive benefits. About 8.5 million federal employees get average insurance supplements of about $600/month (about $5.1 billion). That's $61.2 billion a year just for their health insurance. By the way, previous health conditions aren't even considered for federal employees, or their families. There are over 200 millionaire congresspeople, yet only one chooses not to use the federal health insurance program. If you cut 1/2 of the insurance subsidies to federal workers, it would amount to 3/4 the amount the politicians want to cut from the federal spending. Excellent affordable health insurance is only one of the terrific benefits offered to fed employees. How about 10 paid holidays, 13 days sick leave and 13 days vacation the first year. Up to 26 more sick/vacation days can be earned with each year of additional service. I'll bet most Americans don't get up to 6 weeks paid leave for maternity or to care for a sick family member. Our federal taxes also pay part of many fed employees student loan payments (ave. claim over $7,000/year). This is just a small sampling of the extremely generous (and expensive) federal worker benefits that are bleeding the American taxpayers to death, yet the politicians haven't even considered them, perhaps because it will affect them and their families. Meanwhile, the average American earns about 1/2 of what the average lower level federal worker makes and about 1/4 of what congress members are paid, yet we are the people targeted to suffer from the budget cuts that are going to be enforced. These spending cuts will ensure that only citizens of the USA who are rich or work for the government will be healthy and educated. This will happen if "We the People" don't start speaking up. In case someone doesn't believe this info, you can learn more about government employee benefits at the website. It's all there for public viewing.

Anonymous said...

"One way the US government could cut spending would be to start with it's own federal employees and their excessive benefits."

Brilliant! I'm almost certain Roscoe, your mailman with a 4th grade education, would be more than happy to demand that his union rips up all prior contracts regarding his benefits and retirement package...

...all to benefit the good citizens whose mail he has squirreled away in his basement.

What fucking world do you live in?

Anonymous said...

average poser.

Anonymous said...

...average douche bag

cosima said...

Bill, I love you. I hate the GOP and president Bush in particular.
Please check out y blog and please help me restore Human rights. I think my life and family and friends and humanity in general has been violated by old rich white republicans trying to steal my purity. AHHHH
Please look at my blog

cosima said...

Actually, I don't know who has been fucking with my cival rights but this bipolar bitch is freeeeeeeeee.
This is all about you bill read my blog
We need Obama as president add me on facebook too, so we can all be free of the creepy old and young super yucky rich men and their Manuchrian Canidate Mormon housewives. Fuck the foxnews, republican cult, they want to feed themselves not the people who are starving

cosima said...

By the way I love all races and all drug addicts and most prisoners and fuck yes legalize drugs already and give gays the right to marry NOW, so we can control who gets it!

cosima said...

The labels are just a front for my Harvard Educated mind, even though Ive never been there trust me the violation of my rights for my whole life is enough for anyone to get a clue and get smart about who the enemy this case my dear friends at the Jesus Christ church of "latter day old self righteous men" Ohhh Tommy Monson you fed 50 widows that are probably your 50 wives with your home cut chickens..fuck your so smart and prophetic when you talk to GOD...Bitch PLEASE
The crazy people talking to the ants and birds are the ones that tal;k to god, not you in your big glass house in Utah. I say this with all the truth and love of Jesus Christ. Praise Bill Maher, Jon stewart, the clitons, Obama and his family, Oprah, fuckin celebrites ROCK.

cosima said...

God hates ugly.
Cults, religion, and politics are absolutely
Praise Jesus I am free from these ridiculous LABELS

Anonymous said...

If God hates ugly, why did She make so much of it? I went to the mall yesterday and was struck by how bloody gorgeous I am compared to THAT. All the media was making me feel UGLY.
She must love stupid, crooked, evil too.

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Bill from Arizona said...

Bill, love your show and your perspective on most issues. Timing seems perfect to get someone like Peter Diamond on your show? Very interesting!

koobox said...

Nice report, thank you for sharing.

mike ficklin said...

Bill I love your program and I really enjoy the fact that you are so great at being a smart ass. Most people cant or wont let these comments flow freely from their mouths as eloquently as you do. I just wanted to say thank you for all of the laughs and bringing out the cynical side of lifes every day struggles and you aren't afraid to call a cocksucker exactly that when the need arises. America needs more people like you.
Thanks so much, Mike, Las Vegas, Nv.

Anonymous said...

Bill were you rapped in high school by a mentally retared student?

Spartacus said...

The Great Dictator - Speech by Charlie Chaplin

Dwayne Wright, AL said...

Don't be too hard on Pres. Obama tonight, Bill. You know that if he used his executive powers more often, teabaggers would get even crazier and incidents like the Gabby Gifford's shooting would happen all over the country! The tea party refuses to be "ruled by a nigger", and won't hesitate to use "2nd amendment remedies" to "take their country back". Obama knows how dangerous these people are so he doesn't do what he wants more often because the country would fall into a state of anarchy.

Camera Battery Charger said...

of course, it is so ironic. if you are a representative of peace, why you still wanna solve problems with wars or weapon.

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Anonymous said...

If motorcycle cops would start ticketing golf carts on the golf course to pay city bills, maybe Boehner will get the message.

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Anonymous said...

cut budgets on military and war spending...
i mean isnt practically every national holiday in this country somewhat related to war?
independence day, memorial day, veterans day... so on so forth..
i mean seriously
the U.S loves war.

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Trace said... are a complete moronic idiot. Take your liberal minded rhetoric and shove it up your ass!!

Unknown said...

I live in the outer province of SW Wash State. There's something at a church that's call "Cowboy Church" (country western entertainment) featuring locals. One Female singer announced before a crowd of about 300 that "She... was smarter than Albert Einstein". Albert Einstein died not "knowing Jesus" (Saved), therefore is colossally stupid, while She...believed which made her smarter than Einstein. If I didn't hear it with my own ears... I wouldn't have believed that human intelligence (used loosely) could stoop so low as to denigrate a mind such as Albert Einstein just to get a laugh, and laugh they did! Is this something new. or is this an isolated incident?

Adogmatic Edwards said...

I had a dream where I got to ask God a few questions.

My 1st question was can you tell me what my next question will be? God answered, no I can't because you have free will and you can choose a different question form anything I tell you.

My 2nd question was, now that we have establish you are not all knowing or all powerful, what exactly does being God represent? God told me that God is the projection of the ideal of all humanity.

My 3rd question was, how do I know you are not the Devil lying to me? God said that is easy, if I was the Devil, I would have told you to shut up after the 1st question, and go vote for Rick Santorum.

Anonymous said...

Bill is an opinionated idiot with an overblown sense of self-importance. He could drop off the face of the planet and nobody would care, but his driver and maybe the dry cleaner.

Winston Smith said...

Hey Bill,
Who do you think pays you and Rush? The HBO fairy ?

If consumers want to put pressure on Sponsors to cut their ads, that is OUR right. You should be able to say what ever you want, but we don't have to pay you to say it if we don't like it.

You want the right to say what you want...But when consumers express themselves...We get you playing the victim...Calling us censors...Telling US to shut the F up.

If you pay someone to do something, you are responsible for them doing it.
Advertisers are figuring out...If you are gonna pay some one to talk, you are responsible for what they say.

I can't believe you don't get that.

ellespot said...

Bill please help. there is no contact email for you so I hope someone sees this. We need a voice of reason and power to speak out on behalf of the rhino populations in South Africa that are being decimated for the Asian medicinal markets. Corruption abounds amongst SanParks officials, government officials and citizens. to date this year alone 118 have been poached, on two occassions 16 were killed in 48 hours another just this week almost 20 in 4 days! The media wont talk about this in North America. As countries like the USA and Canada are making trade deals with China it is more important than ever for the rational of the world people like yourself to give this cause some attention. This species is being slaughtered into extinction before our very eyes, in 14 months over 600 rhinos have been killed in South Africa alone! Check out Warriors for African Rhino on facebook you can watch the countdown to extinction there. Please help.

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