Thursday, April 7, 2011


Friday, March 4, 2011


Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 4, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Such a nice welcome. We’ve been off for a week. I was rehabbing at the Sober Valley Lodge. I tell ya, that place is no place to get sober. There’s so much cocaine in the carpet, even when you pass out, you still get high.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week, Americans turned on their television sets and were witness to a pathetic disaster slowly unfolding. And after the Oscars, then Charlie Sheen started to give interviews and it never stopped. And America said, forget Wisconsin, forget the Middle East, Charlie Sheen is coming off a coke high it is funny.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

It is funny that he keeps waving a paper saying he passed a drug test. How is that good for his image? It just means he’s like that sober.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.” So yes, it’s childish. It’s needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Oh yes, write your network executives and your Congressmen, cause if we don’t have a ninth season of “Two and a Half Men,” art will die.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Planned Parenthood is the most trusted organization in the entire country.

- Gloria Steinem

If Charlie Sheen had an air force, he’d be Gaddafi.

- Gloria Steinem

New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being, but a robot designed by women. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent, and he has a gay best friend. The only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Hagen-Dazs.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If Charlie Sheen’s home life means he can’t have a TV show then I say, Newt Gingrich can’t run for president.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's panelists were Gloria Steinem, Ezra Klein and Gavin Newsom, joined by Tracey Ullman with a satellite interview with T.C. Boyle.


Anonymous said...

Cialis + cocaine = fixed! ...wait, stop, I can't feel my face!

Anonymous said...

...chocolate Häagen-Dazs®, Bill. It matters.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, man. I think every married man has imagined chopping off his mother in law's head at one time or another. Even if its not in good taste, you have got to give Charlie credit for his capacity for colorful language. That one is epic American poetry. Ahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Unless MI5/6 007 have lost their touch, Princess Die's mother in law proves the validity of his perspective. Free Charlie! They're just jealous!

Anonymous said...

Given: There is cocaine residue on 90% of the 100 dollar bills.
1. How do the drug sniffing dogs know the difference?
2. How can they get a conviction?

Anonymous said...

If we are going to be returning inappropriate state gifts, then it is time to return the Statue of Liberty to the French. However since that race of people abandoned to the culture of the vine are being overrun by the eastern hordes that have periodically attempted to invade & destroy them since 629 AD, it is probably better that we recycle it into shell casings... out of sight, out of mind.

sophia said...

When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore.ironic! but i appreciate it!

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Anonymous said...

Someone should recover & remake the movie "The Morning After" 1974 w/Dick Van Dyke. The lead character's name is Charlie. Do it in BW like Rumble Fish.

Anonymous said...

Good thing I'm not Charlie Sheen, because I would have hired Xe to fix these posers. All the plaintiffs and all their lawyers would be 'rendered' speechless. What does SCOTUS cost these days?

The Conversation said...

I saw the 20/20 interrogation. Despite the obvious frameup it is clear that Mr. Sheen is guilty of being happy. Did you see this? That man is pleased with himself! This must be stopped, he's going to disturb the natural order of things. Soon the wage slaves will all be demanding personal time and better food! This would be a disaster of epic proportion. Think what this outbreak of happiness will do to our bottom line; and the creativity! If they start creating again we'll lose our shirts. At least we could portray Rush as a victim but my god man, he's not even repentant! Mark my words, we'll have to put them back in their place; the wholesale massacre will be spectacular. Their blood will be on Charlie Sheen's hands.

Anonymous said...

Charlie Sheen, starring in: Arrival

Anonymous said...

Charlie Sheen is the American Idol

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Anonymous said...

Bill, I do believe in God and you don't, but in my book you are closer to christianity than those of the "christian right" who lecture us on God. Christianity is not only about the existance of God, but more so about helping your fellow human beeings. And somebody like you, who speaks about universal health care, about feeding the hungry, about educating the poor etc, is closer to christianity that those "pro lifers" who scream "let them die" for those who cannot afford obsene health insurance premiums.

Anonymous said...

"Any people who have been persecuted for two thousand years must be doing something wrong."
- Henry Kissinger

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