Sunday, January 6, 2013

New Rules for the New Year


2012: I call it the year in “meh.” Not the worst we’ve ever experienced, but nothing particularly great to say about it either. Like being a socialite, but in Tampa. 

I am looking forward to 2013, however, because I love the odd-numbered years — they’re the ones without congressional elections, Olympics, World Cups or weird extra days tacked onto the calendar by so-called scientists. Odd-numbered years are chill. They’re the 3 p.m. of years — that small sliver of time when lunch is digested and it’s too early to think about dinner and you stand at least a fighting chance of getting something done. 

In that spirit, here are the New Rules for the new year: 

NEW RULE Now that their end-of-the-world prophecy has proved to be complete baloney, the Mayans must be given a job predicting election results for Fox News. 

NEW RULE Sometime during the 2013 awards show season, “Gangnam Style” must be given an award for the shortest amount of time between my finding out what something is to my being completely sick of it. Besting the time of 7 hours, 12 minutes, set by “The Macarena” in 1996. 

NEW RULE Congress must make it a tradition to drive off the fiscal cliff every year. And I mean really off the cliff, like Toonces the cat drove that car. This way Republicans can learn that lower military spending won’t lead to China invading. And Democrats can learn that no one cares what the Commerce Department does anyway. 

NEW RULE No more mixing politics with pizza. The filthy rich founder of Papa John’s, John Schnatter, said he’d cut his employees’ hours to avoid the costs of Obamacare. This is where I’d normally suggest boycotting Papa John’s, but that’s like telling people to boycott sadness. Nobody eats Papa John’s because they like it. They eat it because Domino’s won’t deliver to crack houses. 

NEW RULE The winners of next month’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show must later compete against the winners of “Toddlers & Tiaras” — so we can get their handlers in one place, lock the doors and let the kids and dogs run for their lives. 

NEW RULE The New Year’s Eve ball drop must be moved to one of the two states that recently legalized pot, so we can hear the crowd sing in unison, “Should old acquaintance be... what are the words again?” 

NEW RULE Second-term Obama must have a few laughs by acting out the Tea Party’s worst fears. He must order Air Force One to fly everywhere upside-down like Denzel and replace Bo the White House dog with two pit bulls named “Malcolm” and “X.” 

NEW RULE Drugstores, supermarkets, department stores and all other retail establishments must stop asking me to join their “club.” A club is a place to have a few drinks. What you’re offering me is two dollars off a bottle of NyQuil. And that’s nothing like being in a club. Unless I drink the whole bottle at once. 

NEW RULE You can’t run for president if you don’t know how old the world is. Quizzed recently, Marco Rubio answered, “I’m not a scientist, man.” As if you have to be Galileo to Google, “How old is the earth?” And when asked his thoughts on evolution, Chris Christie said, “None of your business!” Which is what you say when someone asks you if you made a baby with the maid. Fellas, if you and your party want to be taken seriously, you don’t have to recite the collected works of Stephen Hawking — just stop regurgitating the Facebook page of Sarah Palin. 

NEW RULE If we must sit through a 30-second ad to see your Web site, you have to take down all of those banner ads, which no one has clicked on since 1997. Please — I’m trying to watch a video of a nipple slip from last night’s episode of “Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Let’s not cheapen it.


Anonymous said...

Do enough people thank you for $1,000,000 you gave to Obama.I thank you and anyone who can imagine a Romney win thanks you.

Anonymous said...

I also thank you & what's up with your show, it has not been on the air lately??

Sarah said...

2nd anon, it's back Jan 18th, or something like that.

Sarah said...

Bill. Nipple slipping. You're such a perv. ;)

Anonymous said...

ditto! thanks for your donation. Your work is brilliant except for your pervy references to tits.

swandell said...

Bill, I'd love to see you interview Mark Lynas next season - the anti-GMO activist who recently changed his views.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your donation to the Obama campaign. My donation $225 while unemployed that's how important it was for me that President Obama be re-elected. Your vacation seems extra long this year. I need my Friday night fix of Bill Maher. I miss you!

Anonymous said...

Enjoy everything you bring to the table. Now, here's something a friend came across in his house. A 1999 issue of Reader's Digest that included an interview with George W. Bush. The contents are hysterical. Included in the article are statements of how his major concern was education and bipartisan relationships, among others. Check it out!

Anonymous Blue Arizonan

Anonymous said...

You know what? Politics and the inability for the American public to follow a train of thought for more than 5 minutes is killing me. I'm also to blame, as my attention span is that of an inbred chihuahua. That quote is stolen, but accurate.
How hard is it to go back to the history, of let's say, the Bush administration and their ties to Dick Cheney or even oil. I'm talking George H.W. Bush as well as his son, George W. Audiences most often have little or no reference point when addressing the politics of the day without any prior perspective. Especially if they are young.

Anonymous said...

It is terribly frustrating that we don't get your show in Europe (Denmark). I credit you with being a voice of reason (other than the death penalty) in a country of benighted politicians (and voters)
Sten Stenbæk

Sarah said...

Anonymous $225 - well done. We need him too, not just you guys in the U.S.

Sarah (U.K.)

Sarah said...

Anonymous January 7, 2013 11:13 PM - we have to remember that that's only half of the country. The other half can surely follow it for longer! :)


em said...

I love that you made a 'Toonces, the Driving Cat' reference!! :) Oh, and please get your ass to Portland,OR some time, will ya?!? Great town, good beers, and fresh greens. We love you Bill & miss you when you're gone!! :) Thanks for everything you do--you are amazing! :)

-em :)

Anonymous said...

Bill please bring on Alex Jones and make him look like even more of a white trash hillbilly.

Anonymous said...

January 9, 2013

Dear Donald trump
Before last year’s election cycle, you said that if President Obama released his Long Form Birth Certificate, you would release your financial records. While the president has released his records, you still have not shown the American people, the ones who had to listen to your constant diatribes on Fox news, your financial records. Please provide us with your W2 forms for the past 5 years so we can see how much you pay in yearly income/capital gains taxes. Thanks in Advance.

Your Daddy,
-Mr Orangutan

Anonymous said...

....hey loser...looks like you crapped in trump's mess YOU gotta eat it!!!!

wayner said...

Politicians with presidential aspirations who waffle on how old the earth is or when dinosaurs roamed the earth, scare the crap out of me. Good Gawd this is the 21st century!

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Anonymous said...

Are you gonna pay up to the Orang Utang ;)

sabati said...

hi bill. your show is my brain oxygen.
would you please ask the opponents of
Hagle to show us their birth certificates? I want to be sure if they are Americans or born somewhere else.
Also, it's useful if you check their bank accounts -inside and outside the US. I will offer them more just to shut up.

Glowby said...

Mr. Maher - I'm sure you see many of the golden comedic opportunities that Trump has served up for you, offering his short form (5-22-12)birth certificate, threatening to sue just 24 hrs later, etc. I'm looking forward to seeing your response(s). (I hope the legal considerations don't throw a wet blanket on the fun.)

Anonymous said...

Bill - Even though you don't have a clue about how important the arts are in our culture, I still watch your show every Friday night. I wish you'd quit taking time off! Janis P

Heywood J. said...

Hate to do the "check this out" spamanator bit but....just take three minutes and check this shit out:

Also, too, I should be a guest on the show. Even though I'm not nearly as hot as S.E.Cupp, I can rock the mike like a vandal, and recite arcane statistics like a muthafucka.

Hugh Caley said...

Absolutely right about Papa John's; worst pizza I ever had in my life was a Papa John's in an airport last year.

Anonymous said...

Bill, can't wait till Friday. I wish for you to continue to try to pierce the bubble this new year. Maybe try an assault weapon. They seem to love them in the bubble.

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cea said...

Bill - Perv away, my friend...that skimpy bikini pic almost gave me a gizz fit!
I also loved your reaction to Tarantino Django. Thank you. He expects blacks to "get it," and to laugh along with his mostly white audience. I wonder what was left on the cutting room floor.....?

Randall Martin said...

First a few minor points before my main thought. You say the ship has sailed on getting violence out of the media. It as also sailed on gun control in the US. No one is going to pass correct legislation so give it up. If all we had was a revolver and a lever action rifle like they did in 1880. You could still kill all the game you needed and protect yourself at the same time. We some how outlawed machine guns in the 1930's. Yet it is legal to print articles or sell items that will make a weapon fully automatic. Please invite a former Secret Service agent to describe protective investigations. I conducteed these as a Federal Agent under the Omnibus Act's regulations and had no problem not violating a person's rights. Opening numerous terrorism cases and protective investigations and closing hundreds of these this act did not infringe on my duties. It is crazy to think we need the current laws that allow files and spying on Americans that Hoover abused. It is human nature to stretch the truth or use the law as you feel fit; because the end justifies the means...OH NO IT DOES NOT. I was taught in the 60's that this is why we were better then our enemies. We hold our freedoms dear. Please restore America by being smart. My biggest problem when I worked in Federal Law Enforcement was seeeing how lazy other agents and prosecutors were. They took the easy route. The current laws make it easy for them to be lazy. Be smart it is more rewarding and you cut down on your mistakes. A Secret Service agent can describe how they investigate threats to the president and they do not violate a subjects rights or share certain information with the FBI because it is not suitible for prosecution and therefore they have no reaosn to know what was discovered. Again the OLD OMNIBUS ACT. I fear what happens now. I do not know as I am retired and fear for us every day.

James Moore said...

Bill - what is your views about Mr Lynas, who like many of his corporate peers, is giving his judgement based on the Monsanto hand-book "How to make speeches in support of GM foods."

There are several GMO documentary films which will really help us educate our self about the GMO Food Debate!

cea said... about letting that dead Boston bomber shake hands with Osama Bin Laden! Burial problem solved!

cea said...

Thanks, man.
I can't help but leave a comment somewhere, with somebody, about the Republican party careening out of control over the Obama Care win, and colliding with each other like putrefied bacteria in a huge petri dish.

President "blackenstein" (hilarious) has fu**ked up their world so bad, there's got to be blisters forming on the lips of "conservatives" everywhere, from spewing out the n-word in multiples never before heard (if that's possible).

This is right up there with the night Romney was defeated, and that huge mass of self-assured bigots, assembled to celebrate his victory, was deflated, and the wind gushed out of the room like a massive fart!

cea said...

"If I were down in the states, I'd be a Republican!"
Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto

Manoj Kusshwaha said...

i am happy with my old rule

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cea said...

I wasn't going to, but what you said, AND BELIEVED last Friday (6/20/14), about black people buying Cadillacs because they couldn't own nicer homes, was so insulting, and degrading, and, yes, RACIST, it defies an adequate comment in rebuttal.

I like your liberal-leaning jokes and pro-Obama stance, but man, even your very informed guest was thrown for a loop on that one.

Really? You think all black people are that simplistic? I admit, there are some among us who are truly lost to the profundity and subtleties of basic human existence, but all of us? Really?

I shudder to think of other "outies," as you call them, that whites still hold as true about blacks in this country.
That's right up there with the "black men having tails" myth, no doubt started by white women who mistook another body part for one. It took a while, but we finally dispelled them of that notion, or at least the legions of them I dated got it right.

I suspect that this is not the only comment you received on the subject.

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