QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 19, 2010

Friday, March 19, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



The Democrats need 216. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote



People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote



There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



At a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, someone got on the PA system and said, “Attention shoppers: All black people must leave the store.” Now, a Wal-Mart spokesman said this is the fault of an employee who completely misunderstood the term “white sale.” … On the bright side, it did stop Tiger Woods from hitting on the check-out girl.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi’s new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me A) his music is as relevant as ever and B) that baby boomers still haven’t figured out how to steal music off the Internet.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Israel has to stop being mad at Obama because he won’t plan a visit. Hey, we’re your ally, not your grandchildren. Calm down and give it a rest, or you’ll get Biden again.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



True Love is like a salesman at Home Depot. It only comes along once or twice in a lifetime so you’ve gotta grab it.

- Bill Maher



This week's guests were Gavin Newsom, Steve Moore, Melinda Henneberger, Emile Hirsch, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich.