Why We've Been Safe

By Bill Maher

In Illinois last Thursday, an 18 year-old jihadist named Adel Daoud was indicted by a federal grand jury over his plan to detonate a car bomb in downtown Chicago.

We were never in danger. It was a sting operation, of course. Adel has been monitored by the FBI for at least a year because he was posting stuff on the web about jihad. In May, agents began corresponding with him, posing as fellow jihadists. Daoud and an undercover agent met, drove downtown in a car that was "rigged" with "explosives," engaged in a quick prayer, and walked into a nearby alley. When Adel pulled the trigger, his buddy arrested him.

Adel isn't a dumb kid. In fact, one of his heartbroken neighbors described him as "intelligent, kind and a whiz with computers." But computers are exactly the problem for any new crop of American jihadists: Anyone who would make a good terrorist is essentially a kid, and kids communicate by cell phone and Facebook and websites... which are the easiest stuff to monitor. If an American Islamist movement were to succeed, they'd need to get the kids back into caves. Where they'll never go, because the cell service is terrible down there.

Mission: Failure

By Bill Maher

Obviously, last month’s jobs report sucked. Only 69,000 new jobs were created – about half what economists expected – and the worst number in a year.  The economy has to create about 120,000 jobs every month just to keep up with the increase in population.

That’s just the hard data.  But here’s how I know the news was really bad: Republicans on TV could barely contain their smiles.  To them, an economy back in the shitter means only one thing: “Woo hoo! President Romney!”

The biggest problem they have with this jobs report is that 69,000 jobs created is 69,000 too many.

Since day one, Republicans have cock-blocked any effort to create jobs. They tried to filibuster the stimulus – one thing that did create a ton of jobs – even though roughly one third of it was tax cuts. They filibustered last summer’s American Jobs Act. They took the government hostage over the debt ceiling, which led to our credit rating being lowered and destroyed any potential for recovery last summer.

This is worse than rooting for failure – it’s ensuring failure. People don’t like it when I bring up the “t word” – treason – but I haven’t heard any convincing arguments suggesting Republicans have done anything but try to thwart efforts to create jobs since Obama became president.

We know where the worst job losses are coming from: the public sector. We could hire back the 300,000 teachers who lost their jobs because of the recession right now.

We can also accelerate private sector jobs by doing the massive infrastructure projects that we need to do sometime anyway – why not now, when borrowing money is free? It doesn’t make any sense not to do that unless you’re rooting for the economy to remain stalled. And no, don’t say the deficit. What really hurts deficits is a stalled economy.

Also, when Democrats would criticize the war in Iraq, they got accused of hurting the morale of the troops. What about hurting the morale of the economy? Talking it down definitely creates negative animal spirits that make the economy sucking a self-fulfilling prophecy. On this front, the worst is yet to come: Romney’s Super PACs are going to spend a billion dollars over the next few months telling us how much the economy sucks.

By the way, as bad as the jobs report was, if you watched the news, it was like Lehman Brothers collapsed again. Yet, 69,000 jobs were created. You know how many on average per month were created under Bush, even after you take out his worst months from the Great Recession? 66,000. You know how many for Bush if you include the recession months? 11,000. And ALL his job creation came from public sector growth. He lost private sector jobs, where Obama has created about 3.8 million.

That’s the truly horrible news – as bad as this job report was, it was much better than the average over the last decade. Though it would be nice if both parties were interested in doing something about it. 

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QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Nov 5, 2010

Friday, November 5, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, November 5, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

A special shout out to the Independent geniuses who switched sides again because President ‘Chocolate Jesus’ did not make it rain $20’s in two years. You know, Branson wasn’t built in a day folks.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

If you can vote for Bush one year, then the next election for Obama and then go back to John Boehner; you’re not Independent, you’re schizophrenic.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election

I haven’t seen Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election

Mr. Boehner, you’ve got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And also, what’s he going to do if he loses next time, put on a Bjork record and cut himself?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding John Boehner’s acceptance speech

Note to George Bush, when Kanye West messed with Taylor Swift, she got over it. And she was twelve.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Bush’s self proclaimed ‘lowest point of his presidency’

Leave it to a witch to defend a ghost.
- Dana Gould regarding Christine O’Donnell’s concession speech in which she brought up estate taxes

This election was lost when Obama didn’t back the public option. That was the one key thing that said to the people ‘You know what, this is no different then the Al Gore Democrats.’ You know the ole’ Al Gore playbook – ‘Let’s run from our achievements and let’s not stand up for what we believe in.’
- Bill Maher regarding the midterm election

New Rule: Unless it's a freak, I don't need to see a sonogram of your baby. You know how all babies look alike? Well, not one zillionth as much as all pre-babies look alike. Oh, it's so beautiful. No, it looks like a photocopy of a Polaroid of a black-and-white TV image of the skeleton of Charlie Brown, at the bottom of a well. But he has his mother's eye sockets.

New Rule: Stop putting “Bro” in front of everything. Bromance, brodown, Brodak moment. Way to make shoe shopping with my friend Steve sound gay. Oh, and one way to tell your “bromance” has grown into a full-on gay relationship: when you're giving each other “bro-jobs.”

This week's guests were Bill O’Reilly, Rep. Darrell Issa, Fareed Zakaria, Dana Gould and Mayor Adrian Fenty.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 22, 2010

Friday, October 22, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 22, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It was an amazing week for idiocy in America. I don’t know where to begin. Glenn Beck said that evolution is "ridiculous," cause he’s never seen a half man/half monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the 1st Amendment was in the 1st Amendment. We are truly one nation, indivisible, on the short bus.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Coons quoted the 1st Amendment, "government shall make no establishment of religion." And Christine said, "That's in the First Amendment?" No, it's in Genesis, looney tunes.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Carl Paladino … He left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for FloMax I've ever seen.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

You can’t please all of the war criminals all of the time.
- George Clooney regarding Omar al-Bashir accusing him of encouraging war

I’m not quite sure that we’re in a position to be bombing or attacking another Arab/Muslin country.
- George Clooney regarding using diplomacy in Sudan

This movement, the Sudanese movement, Darfur, the North/South agreement, were really truly embraced by the right even more so than the left.
- George Clooney

I’ve never seen an election cycle with more ignorance than in this one.
- Rob Reiner

He [Hitler] was charismatic and they were having hard economic times, just like we are now. People were out of work. They needed jobs. And a guy came along and rallied the troops. … My fear is that The Tea Party gets a charismatic leader. Because all they’re selling is fear and anger and that’s all Hitler sold. I’m angry and I’m frightened and you should hate that guy over there. And that’s what they’re doing.
- Rob Reiner

She’s a twenty-five year substitute teacher who this week announced she’s Asian. A Libertarian who’s for alcohol prohibition. A Christian values grandma who promotes Scientology. From Las Vegas Nevada, luck be a looney tonight, it’s Sharon Angle. Now Sharon is most famous for suggesting that if Harry Reid beats her in the election, somebody should shoot him. How else does one interpret her call for 2nd Amendment remedies? Which angered liberals and caused Christine O’Donnell to ask, “There’s a 2nd Amendment?”
- Bill Maher in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

She says rape victims should have the baby because it’s part of God’s plan. Finally, a candidate with the courage to stand up to rape victims.
- Bill Maher, regarding Sharon Angle, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Alvin brings unique ideas to the Democratic bench, like his unemployment program which involves creating jobs by having people, I’m not kidding, make action figures of him.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Alvin doesn’t speak in soundbites. In fact, he doesn’t speak at all. His stump speech is five minutes of clearing his throat followed by a blank stare. Yes, his quest for office broke all the rules. He made no speeches. He did no campaigning. He shook nobody’s hand. And it turns out that’s exactly what South Carolina was looking for, a black man who’s invisible.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”

Are you rooting for her on “Dancing with the Stars?”
- Rob Reiner
Yes I am.
- Levi Johnston
- An exchange regarding Bristol Palin

I’m a big fan of Trojan these days.
- Levi Johnston

We’re debating on that one.
- Levi Johnston, in response to Bill Maher asking whether he’s a Republican or Democrat

New Rule: If you married a manic depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say "In God We Trust."
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment, regarding Lincoln on the penny

New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "Sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner slut and parade around like vixens and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were George Clooney, Rob Reiner, Jake Tapper, Nicole Wallace and Levi Johnston.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 15, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, October 15, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves…but enough about the Democrats. Let’s talk about those Chilean miners.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Michael Jackson could have come back from the dead with Jesus and you wouldn’t have seen it on TV this week. Americans love Chilean miners. I haven’t seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since…the Octomom.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the release of the Chilean miners

They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Delaware debate between candidates Christine O’Donnell and Chris Coons

The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can’t afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

He convinced Newt Gingrich and I to go on tour together. That’s how much he believes in bringing people together.
- Rev. Al Sharpton regarding President Obama

People earn what society is willing to pay them. We have multi-millionaire athletes because people…will go and pay $80, $90, $100, $150, $200 for a sports ticket. But yet, at the same time they don’t want to put that sort of effort on backing within our educational system and our teachers don’t make as much. This is a societal problem. People value entertainment more than they do their kids’ education.
- Dana Loesch

New Rule: I'm all against bullying, but the makers of Glee can't promise to fight back with a special episode about the problems of gay teenagers since every episode of Glee is about the problems of gay teenagers. It's like making a special episode of "House" where someone gets a weird disease, everyone misdiagnoses it, and then House shits on them and figures it out.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you wanna see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were the Rev. Al Sharpton, John Legend, Dana Loesch, Markos Moulitsas and Dan Neil.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Sept. 24, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 24th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



There’s nothing about what really, you know, is bothering people, especially on that side of the aisle, how to cut the deficit or decrease spending, it’s just about kicking out Mexicans, keeping Guantanamo open, getting rid of health insurance for sick kids, you know, feel-good stuff.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the Republicans “Pledge to America”



It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They blocked, the Republicans did, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don’t know what their problem is with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican party.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



They’re giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Christine O’Donnell in Delaware … There are a lot of questions now about her use of campaign funds and not paying her taxes and not paying her mortgage. And on top of that, some asshole outed her as a witch.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Let me just say to the Wiccans, who are the witch people out there, cause they’re on my case: It wasn’t me, Wiccans, who conflated witches with Satanic stuff, that was Christine did that. I know that Satan worshippers and witches are not the same thing. So please, change my assistant back into a human. Would ya please? It’s funny for a while, but chickens can’t type.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



The one thing that’s definitely true is there’s certainly a cover-up. I mean, I wouldn’t speak on whether they had some CIA operative waiting in a bush to shoot his ass … I think it’s criminal for sure.

- Richard Tillman, brother of killed soldier Pat Tillman, about his brother’s death



What’s the morality of passing legislation that is now keeping businesses from hiring new employees and not offering jobs that would even give the healthcare coverage.

- Amy Holmes, regarding healthcare reform



We don’t need those tax cuts … I personally don’t need those tax cuts.

- Seth MacFarlane, regarding repealing the Bush tax cuts for the rich



The American people didn’t have the ability to debate the issue … They didn’t debate it for a year. People said we will not talk about it with you. They shoved union members into the front of the town halls. They beat people up.

- Andrew Breitbart, regarding healthcare reform



When we invaded Iraq, we invited the UK to come fight with us. We invited France. We invited Germany. Every one of those armies had openly gay soldiers serving in the military. The only other country that didn’t, besides us, was the Iraqi army.

- Seth MacFarlane



Clip from “Politically Incorrect 10/15/98

Panel: Christine O’Donnell, Dee Snider, John Fugelsang, Eddie McClurg.

Christine O’Donnell: You know what evolution, evolution is a myth. Even

Darwin himself…

Maher: Evolution is a myth? Have you ever looked at a monkey?

O’Donnell: Then why aren’t they, why aren’t monkeys still evolving into

humans.?

John Fugelsang: It takes a long time.

- Clip is available upon request



New Rule: Never let your children take an overnight trip with a holy man who wears more than two pieces of jewelry. Atlanta’s gay-bashing Bishop Eddie Long has been accused of buying cars for teenage boys, then inviting them to New Zealand and molesting them, in what authorities are calling “the worst Oprah surprise of all time.” Which leads me to: New Rule: If your minister says being gay is bad, or a sin, or an evil temptation, or has any opinion on it stronger than “who gives a shit,” your minister is gay.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: If they’re going to make a historical epic, full of British actors, in period costumes, about Queen Elizabeth helping her father get over his speech impediment, why bother having the Oscars at all? You win. Unless someone in America is making a movie where Meryl Streep teaches Anne Frank how to box, we give up.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Richard Tillman, Andrew Breitbart, Amy Holmes, Seth MacFarlane, and Ann Druyan.

New Rule: Rich People Who Complain About Being Vilified Should Be Vilified

New Rule: The next rich person who publicly complains about being vilified by the Obama administration must be publicly vilified by the Obama administration. It's so hard for one person to tell another person what constitutes being "rich", or what tax rate is "too much." But I've done some math that indicates that, considering the hole this country is in, if you are earning more than a million dollars a year and are complaining about a 3.6% tax increase, then you are by definition a greedy asshole.

And let's be clear: that's 3.6% only on income above 250 grand -- your first 250, that's still on the house. Now, this week we got some horrible news: that one in seven Americans are now living below the poverty line. But I want to point you to an American who is truly suffering: Ben Stein. You know Ben Stein, the guy who got rich because when he talks it sounds so boring it's actually funny. He had a game show on Comedy Central, does eye drop commercials, doesn't believe in evolution? Yeah, that asshole. I kid Ben -- so, the other day Ben wrote an article about his struggle. His struggle as a wealthy person facing the prospect of a slightly higher marginal tax rate. Specifically, Ben said that when he was finished paying taxes and his agents, he was left with only 35 cents for every dollar he earned. Which is shocking, Ben Stein has an agent? I didn't know Broadway Danny Rose was still working.

Ben whines in his article about how he's worked for every dollar he has -- if by work you mean saying the word "Bueller" in a movie 25 years ago. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, it's just that at a time when people in America are desperate and you're raking in the bucks promoting some sleazy Free Credit Score dot-com... maybe you shouldn't be asking us for sympathy. Instead, you should be down on your knees thanking God and/or Ronald Reagan that you were lucky enough to be born in a country where a useless schmuck who contributes absolutely nothing to society can somehow manage to find himself in the top marginal tax bracket.

And you're welcome to come on the show anytime.

Now I can hear you out there saying, "Come on Bill, don't be so hard on Ben Stein, he does a lot of voiceover work, and that's hard work." Ok, it's true, Ben is hardly the only rich person these days crying like a baby who's fallen off his bouncy seat. Last week Mayor Bloomberg of New York complained that all his wealthy friends are very upset with mean ol' President Poopy-Pants: He said they all say the same thing: "I knew I was going to have to pay more taxes. But I didn't expect to be vilified." Poor billionaires -- they just can't catch a break.

First off, far from being vilified, we bailed you out -- you mean we were supposed to give you all that money and kiss your ass, too? That's Hollywood you're thinking of. FDR, he knew how to vilify; this guy, not so much. And second, you should have been vilified -- because you're the vill-ains! I'm sure a lot of you are very nice people. And I'm sure a lot of you are jerks. In other words, you're people. But you are the villains. Who do you think outsourced all the jobs, destroyed the unions, and replaced workers with desperate immigrants and teenagers in China. Joe the Plumber?

And right now, while we run trillion dollar deficits, Republicans are holding America hostage to the cause of preserving the Bush tax cuts that benefit the wealthiest 1% of people, many of them dead. They say that we need to keep taxes on the rich low because they're the job creators. They're not. They're much more likely to save money through mergers and outsourcing and cheap immigrant labor, and pass the unemployment along to you.

Americans think rich people must be brilliant; no -- just ruthless. Meg Whitman is running for Governor out here, and her claim to fame is, she started e-Bay. Yes, Meg tapped into the Zeitgeist, the zeitgeist being the desperate need of millions of Americans to scrape a few dollars together by selling the useless crap in their garage. What is e-Bay but a big cyber lawn sale that you can visit without putting your clothes on?

Another of my favorites, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said, "I don't know where they're going to get all this money, because we're running out of rich people in this country." Actually, we have more billionaires here in the U.S. than all the other countries in the top ten combined, and their wealth grew 27% in the last year. Did yours? Truth is, there are only two things that the United States is not running out of: Rich people and bullshit. Here's the truth: When you raise taxes slightly on the wealthy, it obviously doesn't destroy the economy -- we know this, because we just did it -- remember the '90's? It wasn't that long ago. You were probably listening to grunge music, or dabbling in witchcraft. Clinton moved the top marginal rate from 36 to 39% -- and far from tanking, the economy did so well he had time to get his dick washed.

Even 39% isn't high by historical standards. Under Eisenhower, the top tax rate was 91%. Under Nixon, it was 70%. Obama just wants to kick it back to 39 -- just three more points for the very rich. Not back to 91, or 70. Three points. And they go insane. Steve Forbes said that Obama, quote "believes from his inner core that people... above a certain income have more than they should have and that many probably have gotten it from ill-gotten ways." Which they have. Steve Forbes, of course, came by his fortune honestly: he inherited it from his gay egg-collecting, Elizabeth Taylor fag-hagging father, who inherited it from his father. Of course then they moan about the inheritance tax, how the government took 55% percent when Daddy died -- which means you still got 45% for doing nothing more than starting out life as your father's pecker-snot.

We don't hate rich people, but have a little humility about how you got it and stop complaining. Maybe the worst whiner of all: Stephen Schwarzman, #69 on Forbes' list of richest Americans, compared Obama's tax hike to "when Hitler invaded Poland in 1939." Wow. If Obama were Hitler, Mr. Schwarzman, I think your tax rate would be the least of your worries.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Sept. 17, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 17th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

She does not have a mean bone in her body. Or any other bone in her body. She would campaign against sex outside of marriage, against condoms, against pornography, against masturbation…all my hobbies. But mostly masturbation. She hates that. Which is ironic since she owes her nomination to a bunch of jack offs.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Christine O’Donnell

Her campaign signs show a picture of Obama and they say “Spank This Monkey Instead,” because the Tea Party is 100% not racist.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Christine O’Donnell

Her detractors use this; say she’s homeless, jobless and can’t pay her taxes and her supporters say ‘finally, someone who represents the average American.’
- Bill Maher on Christine O’Donnell

I don’t understand America’s attitudes for Muslims these days. They knock down a building in New York, we get mad. They want to put up a building in New York, we get mad. Make up your minds!
- Bill Maher

There is nothing that cools right-wing heads more than injecting Michael Moore into a controversy.
- Bill Maher regarding Michael Moore’s blog entry about the mosque controversy

Why don’t we have words for people like Gingrich and Palin because you know, they’re essentially our Mullahs, our Taliban. We don’t even refer to them as but we should start calling them Cleric Gingrich and Mullah Taliban Palin. See how that fits….their level of bigotry is so un-American.
- Michael Moore

How about that McDonald’s two blocks away from Ground Zero? That’s killed more people than the nineteen high jackers.
- Michael Moore about the mosque controversy

I do miss George Bush. Compared to these tea baggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.
- Bill Maher

I think it is sad that the guy who was a big ideas guy in the party is crawling his way to the bottom. We should be debating ideas and not birth certificates and the notion that someone comes from Africa.
- Mark McKinnon on Newt Gingrich

The Democratic Party is re-electing people like Charlie Rangel. We’ve got Democratic congressmen who think that Guam is overpopulated and going to tip over, so all the crazies aren’t in the Tea Party. They’re all crazy up there right now.
- Mark McKinnon

Isn’t Obama’s big problem that he does everything half ass? Maybe it’s because he’s only half black. If he was fully black, he would be a better president. There’s a white man in him, holding him back.
- Bill Maher

New Rule: Nobody wants to see a movie about Facebook. What's the big Second Act crisis, a server going down? If this is a hit, what next? "Google: The Musical?" "Craigslist 3D - The Search For A Slightly Used Rowing Machine?" They might as well make a sitcom out of that blog where some guy just repeats shit his dad says.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: If you dragged your man to "Eat, Pray, Love" this summer, he gets to take you to a movie called, "Football, Jerk Off, Nap."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Michael Moore, Mark McKinnon, Martha Raddatz, Jon Hamm and Robert Reich.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - JUNE 11, 2010

Friday, June 11, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, June 11th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



There is good news! BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Helen Thomas … They got her on tape saying the Jews should get out of Palestine. Yeah, not good, she had to quit. On the bright side, Hezbollah Magazine put her on the cover of their “Women We Love” issue.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



This week we had primaries and they say this is “The Year of the Woman.” The women dominated. As opposed to the last election cycle, which was “The Year of the Closeted Gay Republican.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



She [ex-eBay CEO Meg Whitman] said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



My title came from my marriage to my husband, who by the way is a direct descendent of the Prophet Mohammed, and he has both a temporal but also a spiritual role in the eyes of many, not only in Jordan, but in the Muslim world as well, as a direct descendent of the Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him. But for me, from the time I married, to this day, to my dying day, I will simply be a public servant.

- Jordan’s Queen Noor



Republicans are filibustering everything. That’s why. It doesn’t magically take 60 votes to do something. Every time they do that, it is a filibuster. And it’s being used more frequently than it’s ever been used in American history before. And Republicans should answer for that because it’s a really stupid way to run the country.

- Rachel Maddow



It seems like we have to tax something, why not rich dead people? Of all the things you could tax; they don’t have any need for the money, on account of that whole being dead thing.

- Bill Maher



Meg Whitman, the former head of, CEO of, eBay and Carly Fiorina, the former head of Hewlett Packard, both said it; they’d like to run the state like a business. Could we please retire this canard? Why should we run the state, first of all, it’s a different skill-set, but a business is there to serve and protect profits. A politician getting elected should be there to serve and protect people.

- Bill Maher



New Rule: Restaurants that serve the greasiest foods have to stop using the ultra thin napkins that only work if you take 1000 of them. These aren’t even napkins. They’re coffee filters. They absorb so little oil I’m surprised BP hasn’t tried them in the Gulf.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Someone has to explain to me the difference between eating the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap—which is basically a handful of burger chunks, lettuce, and sauce all glopped together on a tortilla—and eating out of the garbage.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Katy Perry and Lady Gaga must admit that what they’re really fighting about is who gets to be Cher.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Rachel Maddow, Jon Meacham, Bill Frist, Oliver Stone and Her Majesty, Queen Noor of Jordan.



“Real Time with Bill Maher” will return from its summer hiatus on September 17th.

New Rule: Politicians Must Be Informed of Their Rights: "Everything You Say Can and Will Be Used Against You in a Google Search"

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New Rule: The Republican Leadership in America Must Produce Their Birth Certificates

New Rule: The Republican leadership in America must produce their birth certificates! Not because I doubt they're Americans, I just want to make sure they're not eight-years-old. I mention this because a major talking point on Fox News and hate radio these days is that, after a year and a half of Obama, it's time to bring the "adults" back into power, so they can rein in our deficit, defeat terrorism, and focus on America's real enemy: cleaning ladies in Arizona. But I must protest the premise, because conservatives are the ones who tend to believe in magical ideas, like: America is never wrong; you can defeat terrorism militarily; and lower taxes will somehow fix the deficit. And I'm not even mentioning the stuff about how Jesus used to fly around on a pterodactyl and just hated it when homos ate wedding cake.

Now, am I saying there are no adults in today's Republican Party? Absolutely not, there are -- but like a lot of parents today, the adults let their kids cow them. And silence them. And rule over them. Rush Limbaugh is a child, a primal scream of a man, but he gets his way because he's the fat bully on the playground; and Glenn Beck is the weepy kid who's always crying because he's insane and you don't know what he's going to do and who he's going to take with him.

For example: to solve our debt crisis, a bunch of Republican senators suggested a bipartisan debt commission, which is the adult thing to do. But when Obama agreed to it, immediately seven of them said no -- now they're against it. Because Obama has cooties. Democrats have cooties, so you can't vote with them, or work with them, and compromise is treason. Compare this to England, where they just had an election two weeks ago and, power changed hands -- but the party that lost is working WITH the part that won -- they are not accusing them of being Bolshevik Zulus out to destroy the Magna Carta. Because the English are grown ups, including their conservatives who enjoy a wonderful luxury that conservatives on this side of the pond do not. They're allowed to be sane. They don't have to pander to creationists and anti-intellectuals. Only in this dumb country do liberals and conservatives argue over things like "evolution" and "climate change" and whether "sick people should be left to die in the street."

The conservative who won in England, David Cameron, was asked if he's religious, and he said, "I don't feel I have a direct line." That's right, he distanced himself from God. If Obama did that we wouldn't see him again until neighbors called the cops about the smell. Conservatives in England don't care about the 3 Gs -- God, guns and gays -- that tilt so many elections in America. And they don't get their policy ideas from TV shows, like 24. You never hear a Brit say, "I'm for torture because it worked on The Avengers."

The Washington Post said David Cameron won by running as a sort of "anti-Sarah Palin." Let those words settle in: "anti-Sarah Palin." They feel so good coming out of my mouth it's like I bit into a refreshing burst of civilization.

Finally, one hallmark of not being adult is a tendency to exaggerate. Like this week when Newt Gingrich said "the Obama administration represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did." Which is basically saying Obama is a billion times worse than any president ever! No, he's infinity times worse!

And it made me think: were we this deranged when Bush was in office? I don't think so -- and Bush merited it: We once did a sketch on this show where we sold George Bush fuck-up collector plates, which included: starting and mismanaging the Iraq War, not catching Bin Laden, Katrina, Abu Ghraib, transforming a budgetary surplus into a giant debt, not doing anything about global warming, sitting on his ass on 9/11, outing Valerie Plame, firing federal prosecutors for political reasons, nominating Harriet Miers, Terri Schiavo, trying to sell the ports to the Arabs...I mean, giant, tangible horrific fuckups that Obama could never equal.

Although with the way he's solving this oil spill, he's off to a good start.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 21, 2010

Friday, May 21, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 21st, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



Every time this guy opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that liberal media stop quoting him in context.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rand Paul



Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A … Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They’re going to try what they call a “top kill.” That’s where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



General Electric is now recalling a million coffee makers because they, um, catch fire. Well, they said you have to admit that will wake you up and get you out of the house.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Gold has no intrinsic value. And if you’re really worried about, say inflation rising, I would by Spam. You know, you can eat Spam, you cannot eat gold.

- Economist Nouriel Roubini



New Rule: California, the state with the most debt and the most marijuana dispensaries must be allowed to avoid bankruptcy by selling weed to neighboring states. That's how we will get out of this budget crisis - by holding a "baked sale." It's the perfect solution. We needs the cash and Arizona needs to chill the f**k out.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Don’t put that in your mouth. A new study finds that dangerous drug-resistant staph infections in children have increased tenfold over the past decade. And for you little ones out there, the infection eats you alive and then you never see Mommy and Daddy again. And you get it from being on a plane and kicking the back of my seat.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Convenience stores can sell beer but they can’t make it. Yes, introducing 7-11’s own beer called Game Day, which can get you so drunk you might even buy one of those hot dogs that have been spinning since the Reagan administration.

- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Michael Eric Dyson, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, John Fund, Patton Oswalt and Nouriel Roubini

New Rule: This Mother's Day, Americans Must Extend a Special Thanks to Their Nannies

New Rule: This Mother's Day, all Americans must pause and extend a special thanks to the women who maintain our homes, who take care of our kids, and who still make time for sex with Dad. I'm talking, of course, about our nannies. Lost in this whole immigration debate is why Americans want to be so harsh on the people who, in so many and varied ways, enable them to sit on their fat asses. Nannies, valet parkers, gardeners, all the people who do the things we're a little too busy or important to do. There are plenty of people to be mad at our there -- the jerks at Goldman Sachs, the idiots at BP, the guy who charged you fifty bucks for these tickets -- why set our crosshairs on the humble, servile people?

I'll tell you why. Because we're bullies. Instead of confronting real threats, like the debt or the environment or Utah, we pick out the poorest, most defenseless kid on the block -- illegal immigrants -- and say, "What are you looking at?" But I'll tell you something, you anti-immigrant hoopies -- as usual you're mad at the wrong people. It was corporate America that busted your unions and didn't keep your pay up to the cost of living, causing your wife to have to go to work and Esmeralda to have to come in to watch the kids. Your problem is low wages, not low riders. A middle class life can now only be maintained with the presence of an underpaid underclass. In the 1940s, fewer than one in five moms worked outside the home. Ironically, mostly in bomber factories, to beat Nazi Germany, a place, like Arizona, where you always had to show your papers. I kid, that's an unfair comparison. The Germans knew how to dress.

All this anger that we see aimed at the Mexican underclass might be more understandable if illegals came here with a bad attitude and sent the crime rate soaring -- but they don't. The Justice Department says violent crime in Arizona is at its lowest point since 1971. Property crime is at its lowest since 1966. There is no problem. There's only dicks and the politicians who pander to them.

I know this is anecdotal, but I've hired several immigrant housekeepers -- legal immigrants, I might add, in case anyone at the White House is considering me for a Cabinet position -- and they've all done great work. Especially on my monologue. While the one American-born Caucasian guy I hired to do some handyman work stole my tools. You know who you are, Stephen Baldwin.

And when I drive home every day and see maids trudging up a steep hill to the mansions where they work, and I offer them a ride, I'm astounded: they never refuse, because they're so exhausted that they'll accept a ride from a mysterious gringo blasting rap music, even though that's the beginning of every slasher movie ever. You know, neighbors, you're trusting these women to clean your homes, feed your pets, and give your kids their daily dose of Ritalin -- the least you can do is not make them walk up the hill.

Some time in the distant future, brown people are probably going to -- and I say this without judgment -- breed their way to power in both Europe and America. Arab populations are growing in countries like France and Holland, and I think we all see where this Mexican thing is going in America. That's right, because they fuck more, the darker skinned people are going to rule the world, and white people, for their own self-preservation, should get a start on being nice to them now! Nice! Just be nice, to the poor and desperate people who change our Depends and cook our food, hopefully not in that order.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - MAY 7, 2010

Friday, May 7, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 7th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



I have to get to this first. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not the most important story of the week, it’s just the one I like the best. … George Rekers, the co-founder of a far-Right Christian group called the Family Research Council, sounds very scientific. It’s not. This man devoted his life to curing homosexuality. And you know, people have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re definitely gay! They are 100% sausage-smoking, Barbara Streisand-loving, Project Runway-ready gay.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Mr. George Rekers was caught this week on a European vacation with a 20 year-old male hooker. And his excuse, the first excuse, was that he needed someone to carry his luggage. … Rekers said he could have just bought one of those rolling suitcases, but they look so gay.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, “No, we have nothing to do with him.” … The Taliban said, “The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.”

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the attempted bombing in Times Square



The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks, still safer than a Toyota.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



When you have nothing to lose, it’s probably the best situation to be in for a comedian. I think that, you know, being sent to sleep-away camp ever since you’re six and just wetting the bed every night is so humiliating that, I mean it’s not the holocaust, but it’s probably, it’s second worst.

- Sarah Silverman



You’re show on the holocaust was very funny. And I’ve never used that sentence before.

- Bill Maher to Sarah Silverman



I think that I would like to adopt a mentally retarded baby … When you do something like that, you don’t just do something like that. You have to be very honest with yourself and even accept the ugliest thoughts. For instance, one caveat of adopting a mentally challenged baby might be, best case scenario, you die at 100 of old age, you’re worried about who’s going to take care of your elderly, mentally handicapped child. So I found a solution for me, that works for me. I am going to adopt a mentally retarded baby with a terminal illness.

- Sarah Silverman



New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, “We will not be terrorized,” he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we’re Americans, of course we’re terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Hollywood needs a new coroner. When Brittany Murphy and Corey Haim are ruled to have died from “natural causes”, and Michael Jackson’s autopsy report says he was in “good health”, it’s time to stop using Dr. Whitney Houston.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Salman Rushdie, Alexis Glick, David Frum, Alan Brinkley and Sarah Silverman.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - APR. 30, 2010

Friday, April 30, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, April 30th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue regarding the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico



This is the plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they’re going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



It was just a crappy week for America. The oil spill making a huge mess, and Arizona deporting all the people who mop up.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



And finally New Rule: Although America likes to think it’s #1, we have to admit we’re behind the developing world in at least one thing: Their religious wackos are a lot more wacko than ours. When “South Park” got threatened last week by Islamists incensed at their depiction of Mohammed, it served—or should—as a reminder to all of us that our culture isn’t just different than one that makes death threats to cartoonists. It’s better.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, “Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.”

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



For centuries, you either joined the church or you were killed. Nowadays when a Jehovah’s Witness comes to the door, you turn the garden hose on them.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Chris Matthews, Laura Tyson, Ross Douthat, Congressman Anthony Weiner and John Bolton.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 26, 2010

Friday, March 26, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I feel like I’m watching a John Hughes movie where the nerdy kids miraculously defeat the rich a**holes in the Izod shirts, starring Ally Sheedy as Nancy Pelosi and James Spader as Glenn Beck.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week was one “Giant kid screaming in the cereal aisle” tantrum. From the Right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There’s a Democratic Congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that’s creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the Democrats—I’m sure you heard about this—they put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The Pope heard this, he said, “You can convict a sex offender?”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

A Vatican official was asked that this week if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, “That’s ridiculous, you can’t marry an eight-year-old.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

And finally, I love this: People will know this here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection, it will actually be on the ballot we will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes we will be allowed to grow—listen to this—you can grow marijuana in the backyard of your house. Not a lot, just enough to stave off foreclosure.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher referring to John McCain

What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic. This was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean the insults, the threats, the Armageddon. What’s Armageddon about giving 32 million people healthcare?
- Randi Weingarten

It used to be the Big Business Party. That’s a Republican. Then it got taken over by Jesus. And now they just seem like The Angry White People Party.
- Bill Maher

Removing Thomas Jefferson is like writing Moses out of the Bible.
- Randi Weingarten, referring to Texas changing school books

New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesn’t make you a bad guy. It makes you a great friend. Cardinal Ratzinger “lost the paperwork” on a guy who raped 200 deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move. But let’s put Popes in perspective—John the Seventh drank toasts to Satan. Paul the Fifth condemned Galileo. Alexander the Sixth had a son with his daughter. All the current Pope does is not see anything. He’s not the anti-Christ, he’s just Sergeant Schultz.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed health care reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed health care reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, he’d just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Rob Thomas, Randi Weingarten, Jonathan Capehart, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Hitchens

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 19, 2010

Friday, March 19, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



The Democrats need 216. So you know, they have these little charts. And in the latest count, seven Democrats who were against it have now flipped. Four, after arm twisting by Obama. And three after tickling by Eric Massa.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote



People on the inside, you know with the inside information, say it does look good for the Democrats. Because, you know, they have this little inside stuff. They found out Nancy Pelosi called her plastic surgeon to ask if her smile would be ready for Sunday.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the healthcare vote



There’s a Congressman from Georgia named Paul Broun. He said, I’m not making this up, he said if Obama-care passes, that insurance card in your wallet is gonna be as worthless as the Confederate dollar after the Great War of Yankee Aggression … Is it OK now to call Republicans a bunch of crazy crackers?

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, his brother-in-law accused President Obama of being anti-Semitic. And Obama handled it gracefully. He said if I’m anti-Semitic, how come I bailed out all those Jew bankers?

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



At a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, someone got on the PA system and said, “Attention shoppers: All black people must leave the store.” Now, a Wal-Mart spokesman said this is the fault of an employee who completely misunderstood the term “white sale.” … On the bright side, it did stop Tiger Woods from hitting on the check-out girl.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi’s new CD debuted at number one on the charts. Which tells me A) his music is as relevant as ever and B) that baby boomers still haven’t figured out how to steal music off the Internet.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Israel has to stop being mad at Obama because he won’t plan a visit. Hey, we’re your ally, not your grandchildren. Calm down and give it a rest, or you’ll get Biden again.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Stop worrying that crackpots are inserting their dogma into Texas schoolbooks. Sure, replacing Thomas Jefferson with Phyllis Schlafly is troubling, but it’s Texas. The only use Texans have for textbooks is to sit on them so they can get a better view of the football game. The last person to even notice Texas had schoolbooks was Lee Harvey Oswald.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



True Love is like a salesman at Home Depot. It only comes along once or twice in a lifetime so you’ve gotta grab it.

- Bill Maher



This week's guests were Gavin Newsom, Steve Moore, Melinda Henneberger, Emile Hirsch, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - FEB 19, 2010

Friday, February 19, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, February 19th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



The reason that we aren’t changing things right now is that the banks have lobbyists in Washington in numbers I’ve never seen.

- Elizabeth Warren, Chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel on TARP



The party out of power believes that they can get back into power by running against government and being the party of “no”.

- Norah O’Donnell



Fundamental reform doesn’t come from bipartisanship. And it seems to me, bipartisanship has become appeasement. Barack Obama won an election based on a set of principles. Fight for them.

- Eliot Spitzer



Any Republican who wants to filibuster now should be required to stand up and read aloud from Twilight.

- Seth MacFarlane



We’ve had our fair share of Bush jokes.

- Seth MacFarlane in response to Bill’s comment that he’s been making fun of the retarded for years



It’s not going to make the military soft or anything. I mean, they’re soldiers. We’re talking, yea, they’re gay, but we’re not talking Ru Paul, Elton John gay, we’re talking “Brokeback Mountain” gay.

- Wanda Sykes regarding “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”



New Rule: Just because you can get pregnant, doesn’t mean you must get pregnant. The pregnant man is pregnant for a third time. You know, if you have a beard and a mustache and you have a baby every ten months you’re not a pregnant man, you’re an Italian woman.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Stop calling “The Tea Party” phenomenon a “Movement”. To be a real political movement, you have to, well, move toward some specific legislative goal. The Suffrage Movement, for example, gained voting rights for women, the Civil Rights Movement outlawed discrimination against blacks, and the Gay Rights Movement brought us the Winter Olympics.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Eliot Spitzer, Seth MacFarlane, Norah O’Donnell, Wanda Sykes and Elizabeth Warren.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - SEPT. 11 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 11th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



It is of course the eighth anniversary of 9/11 and Americans today stopped, as they should, and reflected, whatever they were doing, just to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



This was very encouraging for our country. At the World Trade Center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



This was the week when the President made his big healthcare speech to Congress, making it the second time in the week that he addressed a bunch of children.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



I know the President is black, but this is not "Showtime at the Apollo."

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s conduct at the President’s address to Congress



Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s conduct at the President’s address to Congress



Joe Wilson, to be fair, the next day, he did apologize. He said he didn’t mean to say, “You lie,” he meant to say, "Go back to Africa!"

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



Of course, what's so ironic is that the healthcare plan that Mr. Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the Prozac he so desperately needs.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue





The next day, Sarah Palin on her Facebook page said you know what, she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to know.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



The people who took their kids out of school to avoid the President, they need to go back to school.

- Paul Rieckhoff



It was fun to say it to Kathie Lee Gifford’s face and watch her head explode when I said I wanted to outsell the Bible … There’s not one Brooke Shields story in there, which my book has Brooke Shields stories. There’s no plastic surgery photos in the Bible. It sucks.

- Kathy Griffin



New Rule: Next time President Obama addresses America's school children, he has to tell them they're obese and that they should get off drugs. Or otherwise they'll grow up to be Rush Limbaugh.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Stop with Michelle Obama's arms. Women are clamoring for the new issue of "Women's Health" magazine where Michelle's trainer tells how you can get her guns in just nine minutes a day. But I don't buy that because First Lady Laura Bush's arms never got that cut and she spent eight years holding onto a dumbbell.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Rep. Anthony Weiner, Richard Clarke, Rajiv Chandrasekaran, Paul Rieckhoff and Kathy Griffin.

New Rule: Float Like Obama, Sting Like Ali

New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. And no, I'm not being gratuitously crude when I say that. I refer to the case of Van Jones, and I'm sure you know who Van Jones is. At least I hope you do, because I haven't a clue, or at least I didn't until this week, when I found out he was the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems like a smart thing to do in a recession, but Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.

Now, I know that right now, I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech -- when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

What got Van Jones fired was they caught him on tape saying that Republicans are assholes. And they call it "news." And Obama didn't say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped "end of life counseling" from health care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant "death panels" on her Facebook page.

Crazy evil morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.

Same thing with the speech to children this week. If you missed it, the president attempted to merely tell school children to work hard and wash their hands, and Cracker Nation reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in homeroom. Of course, the White House immediately capitulated. "No students will be forced to view the speech," a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Isn't that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they'd say, "He's giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you spineless jackasses don't show it to every damn kid in you school we're cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow."

The Democrats just never learn: Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pussies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.

I love Obama's civility in the face of such contumely, his desire to work with his enemies, it's positively Christ-like. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But we don't need that guy now. We need an asshole.

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.

And speaking of that 70% -- let's call them the sentient majority -- when are we going to actually show up in all this? Tomorrow Glenn Beck's army of zombie retirees are marching on Washington in protest of, well, everything. It's the Million Moron March, although they won't get a million of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington state -- but they will make news. Because people who take to the streets always do. They're at the town hall screaming at the congressman, we're on the couch screaming at the TV. Especially in this age of electronics and Snuggies, it's a statement to just leave the house. But leave the house we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.