QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAR. 26, 2010

Friday, March 26, 2010

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 26th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I feel like I’m watching a John Hughes movie where the nerdy kids miraculously defeat the rich a**holes in the Izod shirts, starring Ally Sheedy as Nancy Pelosi and James Spader as Glenn Beck.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

This week was one “Giant kid screaming in the cereal aisle” tantrum. From the Right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There’s a Democratic Congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that’s creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

In Congress, the Republicans there, they also put down a last guard action. They put forth a lot of amendments to embarrass the Democrats—I’m sure you heard about this—they put forth an amendment to ban the government from providing Viagra to convicted sex offenders. Like that was a big problem. The Pope heard this, he said, “You can convict a sex offender?”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

A Vatican official was asked that this week if allowing priests to marry would solve the problem. He said, “That’s ridiculous, you can’t marry an eight-year-old.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

And finally, I love this: People will know this here in California, the ballot initiative to legalize marijuana has passed. It has passed state inspection, it will actually be on the ballot we will be able to vote for this on November 2nd. And if it passes we will be allowed to grow—listen to this—you can grow marijuana in the backyard of your house. Not a lot, just enough to stave off foreclosure.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Being in the Hanoi prison was better than being on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher referring to John McCain

What happened in Washington this week, this is not Republican or Democratic. This was just plain wild and bizarre. I mean the insults, the threats, the Armageddon. What’s Armageddon about giving 32 million people healthcare?
- Randi Weingarten

It used to be the Big Business Party. That’s a Republican. Then it got taken over by Jesus. And now they just seem like The Angry White People Party.
- Bill Maher

Removing Thomas Jefferson is like writing Moses out of the Bible.
- Randi Weingarten, referring to Texas changing school books

New Rule: Covering up for a child molester doesn’t make you a bad guy. It makes you a great friend. Cardinal Ratzinger “lost the paperwork” on a guy who raped 200 deaf kids. My friends give me shit when I ask them to help me move. But let’s put Popes in perspective—John the Seventh drank toasts to Satan. Paul the Fifth condemned Galileo. Alexander the Sixth had a son with his daughter. All the current Pope does is not see anything. He’s not the anti-Christ, he’s just Sergeant Schultz.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Since Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed health care reform, Rush Limbaugh must leave the country because Democrats passed health care reform. Oh, who am I kidding? With our luck, he’d just get kicked off the plane like Kevin Smith.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Rob Thomas, Randi Weingarten, Jonathan Capehart, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Hitchens