Friday, March 25, 2011
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 25, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, “reckless.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about the US handling of Libya
Now that Obama has three wars going, they’ve been asking him about his Nobel Peace Prize and he said he’s going to keep it but he would only wear it with his tie that looks like a keyboard, so people know it’s ironic.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?
- Bill Maher is his opening monologue
If Bachman and Palin get in, that’s two bimbos. And there there’s Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we’ve got “Gilligan’s Island.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
She stood at the Wailing Wall and said ‘I stood here for 45 minutes and didn’t see one whale.’
- Bill Maher on Sarah Palin’s visit to Israel
Embedded journalists and members of Congress are taken on a show where they see a dog one day and the pony the next day and they don’t leave the forward operating bases…the reality is, we’re losing that war militarily.
- Jeremy Scahill on the War in Afghanistan and the media’s reporting on it
This is what America needs, a guy that can out douche bag Muammar Gaddafi. This is how we restore America, with fraudulent real estate deals.
- Bill Maher on Donald Trump’s comments about swindling Gaddafi out of rental land
We’re incapable of doing good things ourselves, it seems, but we’ve got the Republican Party that will bail us out every single time.
- Ed Rendell on an ineffective Democratic Party’s achievements due to Republican over-reaching
We are so screwed up about partisan politics…that we can’t act together on some things that we know are right.
- Ed Rendell
New Rule: The Pentagon has to stop naming military operations. Libya is "Operation Odyssey Dawn." What does that mean? Why name these things in the first place? It's teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although ironically, the nickname for my penis is "Operation Odyssey Dawn."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If you make a plane like the F-22, and it cost $350 million each and then you have THREE wars, and you still don't use it, you have to admit that the defense budget is really a jobs program. Did we buy this plane as a favor to someone in the office? Is it a supersonic Girl Scout cookie? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya: who are we saving it to fight? The Transformers?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Jeremy Scahill, David Brooks, Tina Brown, Ed Rendell and Ellen Page.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 18, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 18, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Just be happy that something traveled 5000 miles across the Pacific and for once, it wasn’t your job.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding trace amounts of radiation reaching California
Sarah Palin finally heard what happened to Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It’s probably too late but the U.N. has authorized a no-fly zone and Obama is on board. Republicans don’t know what to do with this. They wanted this to happen, so it is good. But now Obama wants it, so it’s bad. And it involves bombing Muslims so it is good, but it involves the U.N., which is bad. In fact, today, Fox News was just a test pattern with the message, “Please be patient while we figure out how this makes Obama the worst President ever.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
I do come from Jerusalem but prophecy isn’t my strong point.
- Ambassador Micahel Oren when asked if more democracy was possible in the Middle East
When you say ‘freezing settlements’ it’s kind of like a Palestinian cease-fire; which is really just another way of saying reloading.
- Bill Maher
The right wing always is so afraid of gay people getting married but really, if they really don’t like gay people, they should let them get married because no one suffers as much as married people.
- Annabelle Gurwitch
New Rule: If your organization’s job is to talk to the government about guns, when the President invites you to talk about guns…go. This week, Obama invited the NRA to the White House and their CEO said no, “Why, should the NRA sit down with people that have spent a lifetime trying to destroy the Second Amendment?” Here’s why, Dumbass McBang-Bang, because talking is how grownups resolve differences. It’s our version of shooting.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: While you’re telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I cannot give a shit all at once.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Ambassador Michael Oren, Erica Williams, Richard Belzer, Dan Neil and Annabelle Gurwitch.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 18, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Just be happy that something traveled 5000 miles across the Pacific and for once, it wasn’t your job.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding trace amounts of radiation reaching California
Sarah Palin finally heard what happened to Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It’s probably too late but the U.N. has authorized a no-fly zone and Obama is on board. Republicans don’t know what to do with this. They wanted this to happen, so it is good. But now Obama wants it, so it’s bad. And it involves bombing Muslims so it is good, but it involves the U.N., which is bad. In fact, today, Fox News was just a test pattern with the message, “Please be patient while we figure out how this makes Obama the worst President ever.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
I do come from Jerusalem but prophecy isn’t my strong point.
- Ambassador Micahel Oren when asked if more democracy was possible in the Middle East
When you say ‘freezing settlements’ it’s kind of like a Palestinian cease-fire; which is really just another way of saying reloading.
- Bill Maher
The right wing always is so afraid of gay people getting married but really, if they really don’t like gay people, they should let them get married because no one suffers as much as married people.
- Annabelle Gurwitch
New Rule: If your organization’s job is to talk to the government about guns, when the President invites you to talk about guns…go. This week, Obama invited the NRA to the White House and their CEO said no, “Why, should the NRA sit down with people that have spent a lifetime trying to destroy the Second Amendment?” Here’s why, Dumbass McBang-Bang, because talking is how grownups resolve differences. It’s our version of shooting.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: While you’re telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I cannot give a shit all at once.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Ambassador Michael Oren, Erica Williams, Richard Belzer, Dan Neil and Annabelle Gurwitch.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 4, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 4, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Such a nice welcome. We’ve been off for a week. I was rehabbing at the Sober Valley Lodge. I tell ya, that place is no place to get sober. There’s so much cocaine in the carpet, even when you pass out, you still get high.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
This week, Americans turned on their television sets and were witness to a pathetic disaster slowly unfolding. And after the Oscars, then Charlie Sheen started to give interviews and it never stopped. And America said, forget Wisconsin, forget the Middle East, Charlie Sheen is coming off a coke high it is funny.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
It is funny that he keeps waving a paper saying he passed a drug test. How is that good for his image? It just means he’s like that sober.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.” So yes, it’s childish. It’s needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Oh yes, write your network executives and your Congressmen, cause if we don’t have a ninth season of “Two and a Half Men,” art will die.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Planned Parenthood is the most trusted organization in the entire country.
- Gloria Steinem
If Charlie Sheen had an air force, he’d be Gaddafi.
- Gloria Steinem
New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being, but a robot designed by women. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent, and he has a gay best friend. The only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Hagen-Dazs.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If Charlie Sheen’s home life means he can’t have a TV show then I say, Newt Gingrich can’t run for president.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
This week's panelists were Gloria Steinem, Ezra Klein and Gavin Newsom, joined by Tracey Ullman with a satellite interview with T.C. Boyle.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 4, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Such a nice welcome. We’ve been off for a week. I was rehabbing at the Sober Valley Lodge. I tell ya, that place is no place to get sober. There’s so much cocaine in the carpet, even when you pass out, you still get high.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
This week, Americans turned on their television sets and were witness to a pathetic disaster slowly unfolding. And after the Oscars, then Charlie Sheen started to give interviews and it never stopped. And America said, forget Wisconsin, forget the Middle East, Charlie Sheen is coming off a coke high it is funny.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
It is funny that he keeps waving a paper saying he passed a drug test. How is that good for his image? It just means he’s like that sober.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.” So yes, it’s childish. It’s needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Oh yes, write your network executives and your Congressmen, cause if we don’t have a ninth season of “Two and a Half Men,” art will die.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Planned Parenthood is the most trusted organization in the entire country.
- Gloria Steinem
If Charlie Sheen had an air force, he’d be Gaddafi.
- Gloria Steinem
New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being, but a robot designed by women. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent, and he has a gay best friend. The only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Hagen-Dazs.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If Charlie Sheen’s home life means he can’t have a TV show then I say, Newt Gingrich can’t run for president.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
This week's panelists were Gloria Steinem, Ezra Klein and Gavin Newsom, joined by Tracey Ullman with a satellite interview with T.C. Boyle.
Friday, January 14, 2011
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Jan. 14, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, January 14th, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
The President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Sarah said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane and casting the President as a foreign enemy.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
She [Sarah Palin] has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, … they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Ted Williams, who was unknown a week ago and then became a celebrity and already he’s been subpoenaed, been detained by police and checked into rehab. Or as it’s known here in Hollywood, "the full Lohan."
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
The idea behind this is to get it down to a one-page mortgage shopping sheet, so you can actually see what the price is and can make comparisons, a two-page credit card agreement. It’s to try to end the days of word barf, you know, on the page.
- Elizabeth Warren, regarding the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau
In the consumer area, let’s just be real clear, the big problem on these financial problems is, there’s no cop on the beat. The game has entirely been, you put all the words you want, you write the fine print, you do it your way, and whatever you can shoot and skin, belongs to you.
- Elizabeth Warren
Why not have a discussion about mental health or gun control, which this had something to do with?
- James Carville regarding the shootings in Arizona
I‘d like to see a better linkage between the gun control stuff we have now and the crazy-filter. Because if you look at Virginia Tech and you look at this guy, it is too easy for mentally ill people to get guns; because there’s no mental screening anymore.
- Mike Murphy
There’s ten “birthers” in the House of Representatives. So they ask the Speaker, they said, do you believe Obama was born in the United States? He said, I do. And they say, so what about these ten people? He said, it’s not my job to tell them what to do. Of course that’s your job! You have a whip. You have a majority leader. You crack people into line. You go to them and you say, you’re an embarrassment to the Republican Party.
- James Carville
I am watching this show backstage, the first show of your ninth season, and if you’ve lost anything, it’s minimal.
- Martin Short to Bill Maher
That could be seen as a back-handed compliment,
- Bill Maher
No, no. It isn’t. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that you are a genius. Really. Not particularly true, but safe.
- Martin Short
And you look great. Boyish. Always boyish. At first I thought you were Rachel Maddow when I came out here.
- Martin Short to Bill Maher
New Rule: If your movie doesn't contain any actual "history" you can't get mad when they won't show it on The History Channel. The History Channel, which just pulled its Kennedy miniseries because too much of it was just made up. Listen, if you don't want to get in trouble for fabricating, next time just call them the Shmemmedys. Schmack and Schmobby Shmemmedy, and Shmack's glamorous wife, Shmackie. And little brother, Shmed, who drove off a bridge at Shmappaquiddick.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics - "Dancing with the Stars", and now prison, somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were James Carville, Mike Murphy, Chrystia Freeland, Elizabeth Warren and Marin Short.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, January 14th, 2011. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
The President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Sarah said that she resented being identified as part of the problem. And then she said we’d have to excuse her, she had to work on her agenda of guns on demand, no health care for the insane and casting the President as a foreign enemy.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
She [Sarah Palin] has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, … they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Ted Williams, who was unknown a week ago and then became a celebrity and already he’s been subpoenaed, been detained by police and checked into rehab. Or as it’s known here in Hollywood, "the full Lohan."
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
The idea behind this is to get it down to a one-page mortgage shopping sheet, so you can actually see what the price is and can make comparisons, a two-page credit card agreement. It’s to try to end the days of word barf, you know, on the page.
- Elizabeth Warren, regarding the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau
In the consumer area, let’s just be real clear, the big problem on these financial problems is, there’s no cop on the beat. The game has entirely been, you put all the words you want, you write the fine print, you do it your way, and whatever you can shoot and skin, belongs to you.
- Elizabeth Warren
Why not have a discussion about mental health or gun control, which this had something to do with?
- James Carville regarding the shootings in Arizona
I‘d like to see a better linkage between the gun control stuff we have now and the crazy-filter. Because if you look at Virginia Tech and you look at this guy, it is too easy for mentally ill people to get guns; because there’s no mental screening anymore.
- Mike Murphy
There’s ten “birthers” in the House of Representatives. So they ask the Speaker, they said, do you believe Obama was born in the United States? He said, I do. And they say, so what about these ten people? He said, it’s not my job to tell them what to do. Of course that’s your job! You have a whip. You have a majority leader. You crack people into line. You go to them and you say, you’re an embarrassment to the Republican Party.
- James Carville
I am watching this show backstage, the first show of your ninth season, and if you’ve lost anything, it’s minimal.
- Martin Short to Bill Maher
That could be seen as a back-handed compliment,
- Bill Maher
No, no. It isn’t. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that you are a genius. Really. Not particularly true, but safe.
- Martin Short
And you look great. Boyish. Always boyish. At first I thought you were Rachel Maddow when I came out here.
- Martin Short to Bill Maher
New Rule: If your movie doesn't contain any actual "history" you can't get mad when they won't show it on The History Channel. The History Channel, which just pulled its Kennedy miniseries because too much of it was just made up. Listen, if you don't want to get in trouble for fabricating, next time just call them the Shmemmedys. Schmack and Schmobby Shmemmedy, and Shmack's glamorous wife, Shmackie. And little brother, Shmed, who drove off a bridge at Shmappaquiddick.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics - "Dancing with the Stars", and now prison, somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were James Carville, Mike Murphy, Chrystia Freeland, Elizabeth Warren and Marin Short.
Friday, November 5, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Nov 5, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, November 5, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
A special shout out to the Independent geniuses who switched sides again because President ‘Chocolate Jesus’ did not make it rain $20’s in two years. You know, Branson wasn’t built in a day folks.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
If you can vote for Bush one year, then the next election for Obama and then go back to John Boehner; you’re not Independent, you’re schizophrenic.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election
I haven’t seen Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election
Mr. Boehner, you’ve got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And also, what’s he going to do if he loses next time, put on a Bjork record and cut himself?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding John Boehner’s acceptance speech
Note to George Bush, when Kanye West messed with Taylor Swift, she got over it. And she was twelve.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Bush’s self proclaimed ‘lowest point of his presidency’
Leave it to a witch to defend a ghost.
- Dana Gould regarding Christine O’Donnell’s concession speech in which she brought up estate taxes
This election was lost when Obama didn’t back the public option. That was the one key thing that said to the people ‘You know what, this is no different then the Al Gore Democrats.’ You know the ole’ Al Gore playbook – ‘Let’s run from our achievements and let’s not stand up for what we believe in.’
- Bill Maher regarding the midterm election
New Rule: Unless it's a freak, I don't need to see a sonogram of your baby. You know how all babies look alike? Well, not one zillionth as much as all pre-babies look alike. Oh, it's so beautiful. No, it looks like a photocopy of a Polaroid of a black-and-white TV image of the skeleton of Charlie Brown, at the bottom of a well. But he has his mother's eye sockets.
New Rule: Stop putting “Bro” in front of everything. Bromance, brodown, Brodak moment. Way to make shoe shopping with my friend Steve sound gay. Oh, and one way to tell your “bromance” has grown into a full-on gay relationship: when you're giving each other “bro-jobs.”
This week's guests were Bill O’Reilly, Rep. Darrell Issa, Fareed Zakaria, Dana Gould and Mayor Adrian Fenty.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, November 5, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
A special shout out to the Independent geniuses who switched sides again because President ‘Chocolate Jesus’ did not make it rain $20’s in two years. You know, Branson wasn’t built in a day folks.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
If you can vote for Bush one year, then the next election for Obama and then go back to John Boehner; you’re not Independent, you’re schizophrenic.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election
I haven’t seen Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the midterm election
Mr. Boehner, you’ve got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And also, what’s he going to do if he loses next time, put on a Bjork record and cut himself?
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding John Boehner’s acceptance speech
Note to George Bush, when Kanye West messed with Taylor Swift, she got over it. And she was twelve.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Bush’s self proclaimed ‘lowest point of his presidency’
Leave it to a witch to defend a ghost.
- Dana Gould regarding Christine O’Donnell’s concession speech in which she brought up estate taxes
This election was lost when Obama didn’t back the public option. That was the one key thing that said to the people ‘You know what, this is no different then the Al Gore Democrats.’ You know the ole’ Al Gore playbook – ‘Let’s run from our achievements and let’s not stand up for what we believe in.’
- Bill Maher regarding the midterm election
New Rule: Unless it's a freak, I don't need to see a sonogram of your baby. You know how all babies look alike? Well, not one zillionth as much as all pre-babies look alike. Oh, it's so beautiful. No, it looks like a photocopy of a Polaroid of a black-and-white TV image of the skeleton of Charlie Brown, at the bottom of a well. But he has his mother's eye sockets.
New Rule: Stop putting “Bro” in front of everything. Bromance, brodown, Brodak moment. Way to make shoe shopping with my friend Steve sound gay. Oh, and one way to tell your “bromance” has grown into a full-on gay relationship: when you're giving each other “bro-jobs.”
This week's guests were Bill O’Reilly, Rep. Darrell Issa, Fareed Zakaria, Dana Gould and Mayor Adrian Fenty.
Monday, October 25, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Oct 22, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 22, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
It was an amazing week for idiocy in America. I don’t know where to begin. Glenn Beck said that evolution is "ridiculous," cause he’s never seen a half man/half monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the 1st Amendment was in the 1st Amendment. We are truly one nation, indivisible, on the short bus.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Coons quoted the 1st Amendment, "government shall make no establishment of religion." And Christine said, "That's in the First Amendment?" No, it's in Genesis, looney tunes.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Carl Paladino … He left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for FloMax I've ever seen.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
You can’t please all of the war criminals all of the time.
- George Clooney regarding Omar al-Bashir accusing him of encouraging war
I’m not quite sure that we’re in a position to be bombing or attacking another Arab/Muslin country.
- George Clooney regarding using diplomacy in Sudan
This movement, the Sudanese movement, Darfur, the North/South agreement, were really truly embraced by the right even more so than the left.
- George Clooney
I’ve never seen an election cycle with more ignorance than in this one.
- Rob Reiner
He [Hitler] was charismatic and they were having hard economic times, just like we are now. People were out of work. They needed jobs. And a guy came along and rallied the troops. … My fear is that The Tea Party gets a charismatic leader. Because all they’re selling is fear and anger and that’s all Hitler sold. I’m angry and I’m frightened and you should hate that guy over there. And that’s what they’re doing.
- Rob Reiner
She’s a twenty-five year substitute teacher who this week announced she’s Asian. A Libertarian who’s for alcohol prohibition. A Christian values grandma who promotes Scientology. From Las Vegas Nevada, luck be a looney tonight, it’s Sharon Angle. Now Sharon is most famous for suggesting that if Harry Reid beats her in the election, somebody should shoot him. How else does one interpret her call for 2nd Amendment remedies? Which angered liberals and caused Christine O’Donnell to ask, “There’s a 2nd Amendment?”
- Bill Maher in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
She says rape victims should have the baby because it’s part of God’s plan. Finally, a candidate with the courage to stand up to rape victims.
- Bill Maher, regarding Sharon Angle, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
Alvin brings unique ideas to the Democratic bench, like his unemployment program which involves creating jobs by having people, I’m not kidding, make action figures of him.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
Alvin doesn’t speak in soundbites. In fact, he doesn’t speak at all. His stump speech is five minutes of clearing his throat followed by a blank stare. Yes, his quest for office broke all the rules. He made no speeches. He did no campaigning. He shook nobody’s hand. And it turns out that’s exactly what South Carolina was looking for, a black man who’s invisible.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
Are you rooting for her on “Dancing with the Stars?”
- Rob Reiner
Yes I am.
- Levi Johnston
- An exchange regarding Bristol Palin
I’m a big fan of Trojan these days.
- Levi Johnston
We’re debating on that one.
- Levi Johnston, in response to Bill Maher asking whether he’s a Republican or Democrat
New Rule: If you married a manic depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say "In God We Trust."
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment, regarding Lincoln on the penny
New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "Sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner slut and parade around like vixens and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were George Clooney, Rob Reiner, Jake Tapper, Nicole Wallace and Levi Johnston.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 22, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
It was an amazing week for idiocy in America. I don’t know where to begin. Glenn Beck said that evolution is "ridiculous," cause he’s never seen a half man/half monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the 1st Amendment was in the 1st Amendment. We are truly one nation, indivisible, on the short bus.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Coons quoted the 1st Amendment, "government shall make no establishment of religion." And Christine said, "That's in the First Amendment?" No, it's in Genesis, looney tunes.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
Carl Paladino … He left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for FloMax I've ever seen.
- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue
You can’t please all of the war criminals all of the time.
- George Clooney regarding Omar al-Bashir accusing him of encouraging war
I’m not quite sure that we’re in a position to be bombing or attacking another Arab/Muslin country.
- George Clooney regarding using diplomacy in Sudan
This movement, the Sudanese movement, Darfur, the North/South agreement, were really truly embraced by the right even more so than the left.
- George Clooney
I’ve never seen an election cycle with more ignorance than in this one.
- Rob Reiner
He [Hitler] was charismatic and they were having hard economic times, just like we are now. People were out of work. They needed jobs. And a guy came along and rallied the troops. … My fear is that The Tea Party gets a charismatic leader. Because all they’re selling is fear and anger and that’s all Hitler sold. I’m angry and I’m frightened and you should hate that guy over there. And that’s what they’re doing.
- Rob Reiner
She’s a twenty-five year substitute teacher who this week announced she’s Asian. A Libertarian who’s for alcohol prohibition. A Christian values grandma who promotes Scientology. From Las Vegas Nevada, luck be a looney tonight, it’s Sharon Angle. Now Sharon is most famous for suggesting that if Harry Reid beats her in the election, somebody should shoot him. How else does one interpret her call for 2nd Amendment remedies? Which angered liberals and caused Christine O’Donnell to ask, “There’s a 2nd Amendment?”
- Bill Maher in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
She says rape victims should have the baby because it’s part of God’s plan. Finally, a candidate with the courage to stand up to rape victims.
- Bill Maher, regarding Sharon Angle, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
Alvin brings unique ideas to the Democratic bench, like his unemployment program which involves creating jobs by having people, I’m not kidding, make action figures of him.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
Alvin doesn’t speak in soundbites. In fact, he doesn’t speak at all. His stump speech is five minutes of clearing his throat followed by a blank stare. Yes, his quest for office broke all the rules. He made no speeches. He did no campaigning. He shook nobody’s hand. And it turns out that’s exactly what South Carolina was looking for, a black man who’s invisible.
- Bill Maher, regarding Alvin Greene, in a special segment, “Craziest Candidate”
Are you rooting for her on “Dancing with the Stars?”
- Rob Reiner
Yes I am.
- Levi Johnston
- An exchange regarding Bristol Palin
I’m a big fan of Trojan these days.
- Levi Johnston
We’re debating on that one.
- Levi Johnston, in response to Bill Maher asking whether he’s a Republican or Democrat
New Rule: If you married a manic depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say "In God We Trust."
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment, regarding Lincoln on the penny
New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "Sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner slut and parade around like vixens and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about.
- Bill Maher, in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were George Clooney, Rob Reiner, Jake Tapper, Nicole Wallace and Levi Johnston.
Friday, October 15, 2010
New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances...
New Rule: If a Woman Rejects Your First Dozen Advances, Don't Send Her a Picture of Your Penis
New Rule: If a woman rejects your first dozen advances, don't up the ante by sending her a picture of your penis. This week, we found out that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre allegedly tried to get with a young woman by sending her MySpace messages, voicemails, and notes through a friend, and when none of that worked, and it was third and long -- though, not as long as most of us would have imagined -- he decided to throw the Hail Mary and sext her pictures of Little Brett to close the deal. Brett, I get it: Your dictionary doesn't include the word "quit" or "retire" or "married" but you've got to at least understand "punt." You know the worst part about having sex with Brett Favre? He keeps saying he's finished, and then he comes back to drag it out for another year.
To me, this story isn't about sports or sex or how necessary caller ID is -- it's about how pathetic and clueless white American males have become. Because the kind of guy who thinks there are women out there who just, cold, want to see your cock, is the same kind of guy who thinks Sarah Palin is swell and tax cuts pay for themselves. I will explain that connection further, but first let's just dwell for one more moment on how stupid it is to forget that in 2010 when you text someone a picture of your genitals, you're not just sending it to that person, but to every person she has in her contacts... and then everyone on the planet who has access to the Internet. Somewhere right now there's a tribesman in Samoa thinking, "Brett Favre is texting a picture of his dick to a woman? That shit never works."
And he's right -- no woman in the history of mankind has ever wanted to see a picture of a penis. Go back to the earliest cave paintings. The very first one is of a cock, and after that they're all antelopes and sunrises. But for some reason men persist. Why? Because men have always been in charge, especially white men. Brett Favre is like a lot of white males: he's owned the world for so long, he's going a little crazy now that he doesn't. Also, like many white men across the country, he lost his job to a Mexican, (i.e. Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez).
If Brett Favre's penis could talk, what would it say? Well, other than, "No photos please," I think it would say, "I'm not a witch. I'm you." Because for hundreds of years white penises were America. White penises founded America, they made the rules and they called the shots in the workplace, in the home, and at the ballot box. But now the unthinkable is happening. White penises are becoming the minority: 2010 was the first year in which more minority babies were born in the U.S. than white babies. This is what conservatives are really upset about -- that the president is black, and the best golfer is black, and the Secretary of State is a woman, and suddenly this country is way off track and needs some serious 'restoring.' If penises could cry -- and I believe they can -- then white penises are crying all over America.
And that's where this crew comes in; Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Michele Bachmann; the lovely MILFs of the new right. And their little secret is that their popularity comes exclusively from white men. Look at the polling: minorities hate them, women hate them -- only white men like them. I'm no psychiatrist, but I do own a couch, and my theory is that these women represent something those men miss dearly: the traditional, idiot housewife. Writing on your hand is sheer Lucy. If an election between Obama and Sarah Palin were held today, and only white men could vote, Sarah Palin would be president. Did you know that in 1788, when there were four million people in America, only 39,000 of them -- the richest white men -- got to vote? That doesn't sound good to you? Well, what if I threw in a picture of my cock? Which brings me back to Brett Favre, and I think it's worth noting that in one of the alleged photos of him, he's pleasuring himself on a bed while wearing Crocs. And if you think about it, is there any better metaphor for the sad state of America today than an over-the-hill white guy lazily masturbating in plastic shoes?
Follow Bill Maher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/billmaher
New Rule: If a woman rejects your first dozen advances, don't up the ante by sending her a picture of your penis. This week, we found out that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre allegedly tried to get with a young woman by sending her MySpace messages, voicemails, and notes through a friend, and when none of that worked, and it was third and long -- though, not as long as most of us would have imagined -- he decided to throw the Hail Mary and sext her pictures of Little Brett to close the deal. Brett, I get it: Your dictionary doesn't include the word "quit" or "retire" or "married" but you've got to at least understand "punt." You know the worst part about having sex with Brett Favre? He keeps saying he's finished, and then he comes back to drag it out for another year.
To me, this story isn't about sports or sex or how necessary caller ID is -- it's about how pathetic and clueless white American males have become. Because the kind of guy who thinks there are women out there who just, cold, want to see your cock, is the same kind of guy who thinks Sarah Palin is swell and tax cuts pay for themselves. I will explain that connection further, but first let's just dwell for one more moment on how stupid it is to forget that in 2010 when you text someone a picture of your genitals, you're not just sending it to that person, but to every person she has in her contacts... and then everyone on the planet who has access to the Internet. Somewhere right now there's a tribesman in Samoa thinking, "Brett Favre is texting a picture of his dick to a woman? That shit never works."
And he's right -- no woman in the history of mankind has ever wanted to see a picture of a penis. Go back to the earliest cave paintings. The very first one is of a cock, and after that they're all antelopes and sunrises. But for some reason men persist. Why? Because men have always been in charge, especially white men. Brett Favre is like a lot of white males: he's owned the world for so long, he's going a little crazy now that he doesn't. Also, like many white men across the country, he lost his job to a Mexican, (i.e. Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez).
If Brett Favre's penis could talk, what would it say? Well, other than, "No photos please," I think it would say, "I'm not a witch. I'm you." Because for hundreds of years white penises were America. White penises founded America, they made the rules and they called the shots in the workplace, in the home, and at the ballot box. But now the unthinkable is happening. White penises are becoming the minority: 2010 was the first year in which more minority babies were born in the U.S. than white babies. This is what conservatives are really upset about -- that the president is black, and the best golfer is black, and the Secretary of State is a woman, and suddenly this country is way off track and needs some serious 'restoring.' If penises could cry -- and I believe they can -- then white penises are crying all over America.
And that's where this crew comes in; Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Michele Bachmann; the lovely MILFs of the new right. And their little secret is that their popularity comes exclusively from white men. Look at the polling: minorities hate them, women hate them -- only white men like them. I'm no psychiatrist, but I do own a couch, and my theory is that these women represent something those men miss dearly: the traditional, idiot housewife. Writing on your hand is sheer Lucy. If an election between Obama and Sarah Palin were held today, and only white men could vote, Sarah Palin would be president. Did you know that in 1788, when there were four million people in America, only 39,000 of them -- the richest white men -- got to vote? That doesn't sound good to you? Well, what if I threw in a picture of my cock? Which brings me back to Brett Favre, and I think it's worth noting that in one of the alleged photos of him, he's pleasuring himself on a bed while wearing Crocs. And if you think about it, is there any better metaphor for the sad state of America today than an over-the-hill white guy lazily masturbating in plastic shoes?
Follow Bill Maher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/billmaher
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