QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 16, 2012

Friday, March 16, 2012

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 16, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Mitt is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Rick Santorum’s statement that Rick’s son could out debate him.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls, green.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There were 70 billion dollars in the budget for food stamps last year. There’s 700 billion dollars for defense contractors and the military…there is no difference between welfare queens and Wall Street and the defense contractors if we are going to talk about the entitlement culture in America.
- Alexandra Pelosi

This is what happens with the death of journalism; the world post journalism is just bloggers sitting home in their underwear.
- Alexandra Pelosi on the constant backlash from media on all sides regarding every issue

The tragedy in this situation is that we have been having this conversation since before I was born…and no president in American history has seized the opportunity to lead us to a more efficient structure. Period.
- Dylan Ratigan on the gas prices and reliance on foreign oil

The proportionality of what has happened to America because of unemployment and housing makes everything else look like a flea on a dog’s ass.
- Dylan Ratigan

The Lorax, if you don’t know what it is, it’s a mythical creature who is for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses.
- Bill Maher

I would much rather we rebuild Philadelphia as opposed to Kabul.
- Mick Cornett on getting out of the Middle East

It sounded like a disillusioned lover.
- Amy Holmes on Greg Smith’s editorial in the New York Times about Goldman Sachs

New Rule: If Irish-Americans can manage to celebrate their heritage in just one day, then Southerners should be able to also. That's right, instead of spending the whole year flying your Confederate flags and saying, "The South will rise again," you get just one day. We'll call it St. Cracker's Day.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: If an actor gets so much plastic surgery that they're not quite the same person, they have to change their name so it's not quite the same name. Example: "Did you see Lindsay Lowland on SNL? "No, I was watching an Arthur Schwarzenegger movie." "Which one was that?" "You know, that one with Dickie Rourke and Sylvester Stallion."
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

This week's guests were Alexandra Pelosi, Mick Cornett, Amy Holmes, Dylan Ratigan and Ed Helms.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Sept. 24, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 24th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



There’s nothing about what really, you know, is bothering people, especially on that side of the aisle, how to cut the deficit or decrease spending, it’s just about kicking out Mexicans, keeping Guantanamo open, getting rid of health insurance for sick kids, you know, feel-good stuff.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue, regarding the Republicans “Pledge to America”



It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They blocked, the Republicans did, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don’t know what their problem is with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican party.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



They’re giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Christine O’Donnell in Delaware … There are a lot of questions now about her use of campaign funds and not paying her taxes and not paying her mortgage. And on top of that, some asshole outed her as a witch.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Let me just say to the Wiccans, who are the witch people out there, cause they’re on my case: It wasn’t me, Wiccans, who conflated witches with Satanic stuff, that was Christine did that. I know that Satan worshippers and witches are not the same thing. So please, change my assistant back into a human. Would ya please? It’s funny for a while, but chickens can’t type.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



The one thing that’s definitely true is there’s certainly a cover-up. I mean, I wouldn’t speak on whether they had some CIA operative waiting in a bush to shoot his ass … I think it’s criminal for sure.

- Richard Tillman, brother of killed soldier Pat Tillman, about his brother’s death



What’s the morality of passing legislation that is now keeping businesses from hiring new employees and not offering jobs that would even give the healthcare coverage.

- Amy Holmes, regarding healthcare reform



We don’t need those tax cuts … I personally don’t need those tax cuts.

- Seth MacFarlane, regarding repealing the Bush tax cuts for the rich



The American people didn’t have the ability to debate the issue … They didn’t debate it for a year. People said we will not talk about it with you. They shoved union members into the front of the town halls. They beat people up.

- Andrew Breitbart, regarding healthcare reform



When we invaded Iraq, we invited the UK to come fight with us. We invited France. We invited Germany. Every one of those armies had openly gay soldiers serving in the military. The only other country that didn’t, besides us, was the Iraqi army.

- Seth MacFarlane



Clip from “Politically Incorrect 10/15/98

Panel: Christine O’Donnell, Dee Snider, John Fugelsang, Eddie McClurg.

Christine O’Donnell: You know what evolution, evolution is a myth. Even

Darwin himself…

Maher: Evolution is a myth? Have you ever looked at a monkey?

O’Donnell: Then why aren’t they, why aren’t monkeys still evolving into

humans.?

John Fugelsang: It takes a long time.

- Clip is available upon request



New Rule: Never let your children take an overnight trip with a holy man who wears more than two pieces of jewelry. Atlanta’s gay-bashing Bishop Eddie Long has been accused of buying cars for teenage boys, then inviting them to New Zealand and molesting them, in what authorities are calling “the worst Oprah surprise of all time.” Which leads me to: New Rule: If your minister says being gay is bad, or a sin, or an evil temptation, or has any opinion on it stronger than “who gives a shit,” your minister is gay.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: If they’re going to make a historical epic, full of British actors, in period costumes, about Queen Elizabeth helping her father get over his speech impediment, why bother having the Oscars at all? You win. Unless someone in America is making a movie where Meryl Streep teaches Anne Frank how to box, we give up.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Richard Tillman, Andrew Breitbart, Amy Holmes, Seth MacFarlane, and Ann Druyan.