How about this for a New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. It used to be that there were some services and institutions so vital to our nation that they were exempt from market pressures. Some things we just didn't do for money. The United States always defined capitalism, but it didn't used to define us. But now it's becoming all that we are.
Did you know, for example, that there was a time when being called a "war profiteer" was a bad thing? But now our war zones are dominated by private contractors and mercenaries who work for corporations. There are more private contractors in Iraq than American troops, and we pay them generous salaries to do jobs the troops used to do for themselves -- like laundry. War is not supposed to turn a profit, but our wars have become boondoggles for weapons manufacturers and connected civilian contractors.
Prisons used to be a non-profit business, too. And for good reason -- who the hell wants to own a prison? By definition you're going to have trouble with the tenants. But now prisons are big business. A company called the Corrections Corporation of America is on the New York Stock Exchange, which is convenient since that's where all the real crime is happening anyway. The CCA and similar corporations actually lobby Congress for stiffer sentencing laws so they can lock more people up and make more money. That's why America has the world;s largest prison population -- because actually rehabilitating people would have a negative impact on the bottom line.
Television news is another area that used to be roped off from the profit motive. When Walter Cronkite died last week, it was odd to see news anchor after news anchor talking about how much better the news coverage was back in Cronkite's day. I thought, "Gee, if only you were in a position to do something about it."
But maybe they aren't. Because unlike in Cronkite's day, today's news has to make a profit like all the other divisions in a media conglomerate. That's why it wasn't surprising to see the CBS Evening News broadcast live from the Staples Center for two nights this month, just in case Michael Jackson came back to life and sold Iran nuclear weapons. In Uncle Walter's time, the news division was a loss leader. Making money was the job of The Beverly Hillbillies. And now that we have reporters moving to Alaska to hang out with the Palin family, the news is The Beverly Hillbillies.
And finally, there's health care. It wasn't that long ago that when a kid broke his leg playing stickball, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun put a thermometer in his mouth, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle and you were done. The bill was $1.50, plus you got to keep the thermometer.
But like everything else that's good and noble in life, some Wall Street wizard decided that hospitals could be big business, so now they're run by some bean counters in a corporate plaza in Charlotte. In the U.S. today, three giant for-profit conglomerates own close to 600 hospitals and other health care facilities. They're not hospitals anymore; they're Jiffy Lubes with bedpans. America's largest hospital chain, HCA, was founded by the family of Bill Frist, who perfectly represents the Republican attitude toward health care: it's not a right, it's a racket. The more people who get sick and need medicine, the higher their profit margins. Which is why they're always pushing the Jell-O.
Because medicine is now for-profit we have things like "recision," where insurance companies hire people to figure out ways to deny you coverage when you get sick, even though you've been paying into your plan for years.
When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country, ask what's in it for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.
If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private health care "soulless vampires making money off human pain." The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism.
And if medicine is for profit, and war, and the news, and the penal system, my question is: what's wrong with firemen? Why don't they charge? They must be commies. Oh my God! That explains the red trucks!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - JULY 17 2009
Friday, July 17th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 17th , 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is gonna happen. Now of course, the Republicans say the plan is too confusing and too convoluted. But, you know, these are the same people who claim they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
She got quite a grilling from those Republicans. I was like fellas, she’s a Latina, not a piñata.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Sonia Sotomayor
The tag that they kept trying to hang around her neck was “reverse racist.” They said, you know, it’s reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Sonia Sotomayor
I would never say that Republicans are all racist. That’s ridiculous and wrong. But if you’re a racist nowadays in America, you’re probably a Republican.
- Bill Maher
What he represented in that moment of the professionalism and the integrity and the courage and the humanity. It’s an amazing thing. I don’t think any modern day anchor quite embodies what he was.
- Jason Alexander regarding Walter Cronkite and his reporting on the JFK assassination
New Rule: Stop referring to Sarah Palin as a “renegade”. A renegade is someone who rebels against convention. What is Sarah Palin rebelling against, grammar? Wildlife? Sports analogies? Face it Sarah, you only rebelled against one thing in your life, family planning.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
I defy anyone to watch ten minutes of "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV and not want to strap on a vest and blow up that little snot's birthday party.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
My god, since this Michael Jackson thing happened, I have no idea what's going on with John and Kate.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Brian Schweitzer, Anne Deavere Smith, Markos Moulitsas, Jason Alexander and a satellite interview with Joe Scarborough.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 17th , 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is gonna happen. Now of course, the Republicans say the plan is too confusing and too convoluted. But, you know, these are the same people who claim they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
She got quite a grilling from those Republicans. I was like fellas, she’s a Latina, not a piñata.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Sonia Sotomayor
The tag that they kept trying to hang around her neck was “reverse racist.” They said, you know, it’s reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Sonia Sotomayor
I would never say that Republicans are all racist. That’s ridiculous and wrong. But if you’re a racist nowadays in America, you’re probably a Republican.
- Bill Maher
What he represented in that moment of the professionalism and the integrity and the courage and the humanity. It’s an amazing thing. I don’t think any modern day anchor quite embodies what he was.
- Jason Alexander regarding Walter Cronkite and his reporting on the JFK assassination
New Rule: Stop referring to Sarah Palin as a “renegade”. A renegade is someone who rebels against convention. What is Sarah Palin rebelling against, grammar? Wildlife? Sports analogies? Face it Sarah, you only rebelled against one thing in your life, family planning.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
I defy anyone to watch ten minutes of "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV and not want to strap on a vest and blow up that little snot's birthday party.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
My god, since this Michael Jackson thing happened, I have no idea what's going on with John and Kate.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Brian Schweitzer, Anne Deavere Smith, Markos Moulitsas, Jason Alexander and a satellite interview with Joe Scarborough.
Monday, June 29, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Friday, June 19th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, June 19th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
It’s sad about Iran. What do you expect about a country? It's a government propped up by oil money that’s led by a religious wacko. Kind of like Alaska.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
This could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter because that’s how people are communicating to go to the rallies and so forth and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities of course in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the Internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they are dropped immediately. Or, as T-Mobile calls it, "normal service."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
I love this guy. He is a piece of work. John Ensign was a Promise Keeper; he was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act, and a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. He has hit the Hypocrisy Trifecta.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
This is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama. Because, you know, he won’t come out for gay marriage. He threw them a bone with federal benefits. They didn’t like that. They said, “We are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected.” And he said, “Well that’s like being married.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
There’s a tendency here in America, when it comes to foreign policy, to say these are the good guys and these are the bad guys. A couple of weeks ago nobody had heard of Mir-Hossein Mousavi. Now suddenly, he’s the good guy. Well, I have questions about that, whether he’s a real reformer, and there’s sort of oversimplification that happens here.
- Katty Kay
It does seem like we’re choosing between like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. They’re not even the real leader of this country, right. It’s like they’re having a revolution about the Governor of Nebraska.
- Joel Stein regarding Iran
You’re either this pious, holier than thou person or you’re a skank and all these things. And I came out with my article when I wrote an article and I said that I wasn’t a virgin on national television, and I got all these emails and it was like, Meghan McCain, perverted sex addict. And it’s like you’re either a holy virgin or you have to stay at the point of saying “I’m abstinent. But I meant to be abstinent,” or you’re a perverted sex addict. And I think it’s this really crazy thing in politics, and especially Republican politics. And I think it’s unhealthy, especially for young women.
- Meghan McCain
I’m going to be consistent. It’s none of my business who Senator Ensign sleeps with. I’m much more interested in who the oil companies are screwing than who John Ensign is screwing.
- Paul Begala
I’m a Catholic. We’re taught that sex is a dirty, vile, disgusting, act that you save for the one you truly love.
- Paul Begala
If these were two blonde women, of course there’d be much more of a fuss made about it in the press here.
- Katty Kay regarding Laura Ling and Euna Lee
New Rule: Let's not all act shocked that the new Miss California is also against gay marriage. Of course they're conservative. They're beauty pageant contestants. If they were liberals they'd be in college.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Twitter didn't save Iran. Iran saved Twitter. I'm happy that information is getting out there, but admit it, Twitter users, if anyone had asked you two weeks ago what "Iran" was, you would've said it was the new treadmill from Apple.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Now that the Olive Garden has pulled its ads from Letterman's show because they say his Palin joke was "not consistent with our standards and values" someone has to figure out a way for me to boycott a restaurant I would never eat at in the first place.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Katty Kay, Paul Begala, Joel Stein, Meghan McCain and Hooman Majd.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, June 19th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
It’s sad about Iran. What do you expect about a country? It's a government propped up by oil money that’s led by a religious wacko. Kind of like Alaska.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
This could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter because that’s how people are communicating to go to the rallies and so forth and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities of course in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the Internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they are dropped immediately. Or, as T-Mobile calls it, "normal service."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
I love this guy. He is a piece of work. John Ensign was a Promise Keeper; he was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act, and a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. He has hit the Hypocrisy Trifecta.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
This is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama. Because, you know, he won’t come out for gay marriage. He threw them a bone with federal benefits. They didn’t like that. They said, “We are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected.” And he said, “Well that’s like being married.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
There’s a tendency here in America, when it comes to foreign policy, to say these are the good guys and these are the bad guys. A couple of weeks ago nobody had heard of Mir-Hossein Mousavi. Now suddenly, he’s the good guy. Well, I have questions about that, whether he’s a real reformer, and there’s sort of oversimplification that happens here.
- Katty Kay
It does seem like we’re choosing between like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. They’re not even the real leader of this country, right. It’s like they’re having a revolution about the Governor of Nebraska.
- Joel Stein regarding Iran
You’re either this pious, holier than thou person or you’re a skank and all these things. And I came out with my article when I wrote an article and I said that I wasn’t a virgin on national television, and I got all these emails and it was like, Meghan McCain, perverted sex addict. And it’s like you’re either a holy virgin or you have to stay at the point of saying “I’m abstinent. But I meant to be abstinent,” or you’re a perverted sex addict. And I think it’s this really crazy thing in politics, and especially Republican politics. And I think it’s unhealthy, especially for young women.
- Meghan McCain
I’m going to be consistent. It’s none of my business who Senator Ensign sleeps with. I’m much more interested in who the oil companies are screwing than who John Ensign is screwing.
- Paul Begala
I’m a Catholic. We’re taught that sex is a dirty, vile, disgusting, act that you save for the one you truly love.
- Paul Begala
If these were two blonde women, of course there’d be much more of a fuss made about it in the press here.
- Katty Kay regarding Laura Ling and Euna Lee
New Rule: Let's not all act shocked that the new Miss California is also against gay marriage. Of course they're conservative. They're beauty pageant contestants. If they were liberals they'd be in college.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Twitter didn't save Iran. Iran saved Twitter. I'm happy that information is getting out there, but admit it, Twitter users, if anyone had asked you two weeks ago what "Iran" was, you would've said it was the new treadmill from Apple.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Now that the Olive Garden has pulled its ads from Letterman's show because they say his Palin joke was "not consistent with our standards and values" someone has to figure out a way for me to boycott a restaurant I would never eat at in the first place.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Katty Kay, Paul Begala, Joel Stein, Meghan McCain and Hooman Majd.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 29 2009
Friday, May 29th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 29th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Sonia Sotomayor, her background, wow, graduated first in her class at Princeton, Yale Law School, a prosecutor, a sitting judge for the last 18 years. Or as conservatives call it, "unqualified."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Here’s a woman who was raised in the Bronx, tough neighborhood, without a father. And that's how you know America is a great melting country - when your Supreme Court justice has the same back-story as your lap dancer.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid, getting him his drugs.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
What happens on your plate represents your most important engagement with the natural world and the biggest impact you have on climate change. Meat eating in particular represents a tremendous amount of greenhouse gasses produced.
New Rule: Before the Supreme Court welcomes its first Hispanic Justice, Clarence Thomas must admit he's a little disappointed that Obama didn't pick a lesbian.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Honey Nut Cheerios have to take the bee off the box. It reminds me that all the bees are dying, and if I wanted to start my day staring at something that makes me want to kill myself I'd watch Fox and Friends. We lost almost a third of America's bee population last winter. I can't take another morning thinking about a beautiful striped animal going extinct. Which is why tomorrow I'll have Frosted Flakes.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Richard Pollan, John Bolton, Heather Wilson and Harper Hill.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 29th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Sonia Sotomayor, her background, wow, graduated first in her class at Princeton, Yale Law School, a prosecutor, a sitting judge for the last 18 years. Or as conservatives call it, "unqualified."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Here’s a woman who was raised in the Bronx, tough neighborhood, without a father. And that's how you know America is a great melting country - when your Supreme Court justice has the same back-story as your lap dancer.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid, getting him his drugs.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
What happens on your plate represents your most important engagement with the natural world and the biggest impact you have on climate change. Meat eating in particular represents a tremendous amount of greenhouse gasses produced.
New Rule: Before the Supreme Court welcomes its first Hispanic Justice, Clarence Thomas must admit he's a little disappointed that Obama didn't pick a lesbian.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Honey Nut Cheerios have to take the bee off the box. It reminds me that all the bees are dying, and if I wanted to start my day staring at something that makes me want to kill myself I'd watch Fox and Friends. We lost almost a third of America's bee population last winter. I can't take another morning thinking about a beautiful striped animal going extinct. Which is why tomorrow I'll have Frosted Flakes.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Richard Pollan, John Bolton, Heather Wilson and Harper Hill.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 15 2009
Friday, May 15th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 15th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, "We didn't torture," then it became, "OK, we tortured, but it worked," now it's "Nancy Pelosi said we could."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Newt Gingrich yesterday was all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a frivolous politician. Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Sarah Palin said the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks against Miss California is despicable. And then she said, “I feel like you are my own daughter.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop having the same discussion every year about whether the comedian at the Correspondents' Dinner went "too far." This week, conservatives were outraged that the president laughed - out loud - at a black, lesbian woman. You think you're pissed now? Wait'll he appoints her to the Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9% of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining .1%? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Just because something isn't endangered anymore doesn't mean we have to go back to killing it. There are still only 6000 gray wolves. They're not a threat unless Pakistan sells them nukes. You want to hunt a species that's breeding out of control? How about that "Jon & Kate Plus 8."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Richard Brookhiser, Amy Holmes, Dan Savage, David Simon and Elizabeth Warren.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 15th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, "We didn't torture," then it became, "OK, we tortured, but it worked," now it's "Nancy Pelosi said we could."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Newt Gingrich yesterday was all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a frivolous politician. Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Sarah Palin said the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks against Miss California is despicable. And then she said, “I feel like you are my own daughter.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop having the same discussion every year about whether the comedian at the Correspondents' Dinner went "too far." This week, conservatives were outraged that the president laughed - out loud - at a black, lesbian woman. You think you're pissed now? Wait'll he appoints her to the Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9% of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining .1%? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Just because something isn't endangered anymore doesn't mean we have to go back to killing it. There are still only 6000 gray wolves. They're not a threat unless Pakistan sells them nukes. You want to hunt a species that's breeding out of control? How about that "Jon & Kate Plus 8."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Richard Brookhiser, Amy Holmes, Dan Savage, David Simon and Elizabeth Warren.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Americans, please wash hands before criticizing Obama
Friday, May 8th 2009
New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.
It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?
You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President.
So please, Mr. President, tell us to turn the lights off when we leave the room. Tell us not to buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring Dings and Cheese Nips, and think twice before dating a stranger we meet on craigslist. For God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Not just to save the newspaper industry - though Lord knows I'd miss my Daily Jumble - but because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a President who knows nothing.
There's a name for people who do the right thing for their country, even if it involves sacrifice. And no, it's not "socialists." It's "patriots." We all know the modern definition of a patriot: It's the person who pays the least taxes and listens to the most A.M. radio. But that wasn't what it always meant.
Patriots want their fellow citizens to be able to go to the hospital. They want to make sure no one sells them bread made out of Chinese skulls. They want a country where the deer and the antelope can still play - and not just so Sarah Palin can shoot them from a helicopter. Patriots want to burn less coal and buy less oil. Jimmy Carter put solar panels on the White House roof and Ronald Reagan had them removed. You've heard of "opposite marriage"? This is "opposite patriotism."
Rush Limbaugh celebrated this Earth Day by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees.
During the campaign, Obama suggested that one simple thing Americans could do to help with fuel-efficiency was check their car's tire pressure. And Republicans freaked, because to them, every suggestion for the common good is a direct attack on their personal liberty, and it's unpatriotic to interfere with anyone's God-given right to be big, dumb and selfish.
When the President suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, you're a rugged individualist. But you're not - you're just a schmuck.
Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have predictably and reliably told us that government is always the problem, never you my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious little snowflake. A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.
-Bill Maher
New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.
It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?
You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President.
So please, Mr. President, tell us to turn the lights off when we leave the room. Tell us not to buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring Dings and Cheese Nips, and think twice before dating a stranger we meet on craigslist. For God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Not just to save the newspaper industry - though Lord knows I'd miss my Daily Jumble - but because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a President who knows nothing.
There's a name for people who do the right thing for their country, even if it involves sacrifice. And no, it's not "socialists." It's "patriots." We all know the modern definition of a patriot: It's the person who pays the least taxes and listens to the most A.M. radio. But that wasn't what it always meant.
Patriots want their fellow citizens to be able to go to the hospital. They want to make sure no one sells them bread made out of Chinese skulls. They want a country where the deer and the antelope can still play - and not just so Sarah Palin can shoot them from a helicopter. Patriots want to burn less coal and buy less oil. Jimmy Carter put solar panels on the White House roof and Ronald Reagan had them removed. You've heard of "opposite marriage"? This is "opposite patriotism."
Rush Limbaugh celebrated this Earth Day by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees.
During the campaign, Obama suggested that one simple thing Americans could do to help with fuel-efficiency was check their car's tire pressure. And Republicans freaked, because to them, every suggestion for the common good is a direct attack on their personal liberty, and it's unpatriotic to interfere with anyone's God-given right to be big, dumb and selfish.
When the President suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, you're a rugged individualist. But you're not - you're just a schmuck.
Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have predictably and reliably told us that government is always the problem, never you my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious little snowflake. A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.
-Bill Maher
Saturday, May 2, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 1 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 1st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy tonight. Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at The Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Supreme Court appointment
New Rule: The Obama administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee there's a couch.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2000-year old Jew. Where else would he live? But would it kill you to show him with a little tan? Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Barney Frank, Fareed Zakaria, Richard Engel and Dr. David Kessler.
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 1st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy tonight. Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at The Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Supreme Court appointment
New Rule: The Obama administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee there's a couch.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2000-year old Jew. Where else would he live? But would it kill you to show him with a little tan? Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Barney Frank, Fareed Zakaria, Richard Engel and Dr. David Kessler.
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