Friday, September 11, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, September 11th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
It is of course the eighth anniversary of 9/11 and Americans today stopped, as they should, and reflected, whatever they were doing, just to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
This was very encouraging for our country. At the World Trade Center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
This was the week when the President made his big healthcare speech to Congress, making it the second time in the week that he addressed a bunch of children.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
I know the President is black, but this is not "Showtime at the Apollo."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s conduct at the President’s address to Congress
Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s conduct at the President’s address to Congress
Joe Wilson, to be fair, the next day, he did apologize. He said he didn’t mean to say, “You lie,” he meant to say, "Go back to Africa!"
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Of course, what's so ironic is that the healthcare plan that Mr. Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the Prozac he so desperately needs.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The next day, Sarah Palin on her Facebook page said you know what, she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to know.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The people who took their kids out of school to avoid the President, they need to go back to school.
- Paul Rieckhoff
It was fun to say it to Kathie Lee Gifford’s face and watch her head explode when I said I wanted to outsell the Bible … There’s not one Brooke Shields story in there, which my book has Brooke Shields stories. There’s no plastic surgery photos in the Bible. It sucks.
- Kathy Griffin
New Rule: Next time President Obama addresses America's school children, he has to tell them they're obese and that they should get off drugs. Or otherwise they'll grow up to be Rush Limbaugh.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop with Michelle Obama's arms. Women are clamoring for the new issue of "Women's Health" magazine where Michelle's trainer tells how you can get her guns in just nine minutes a day. But I don't buy that because First Lady Laura Bush's arms never got that cut and she spent eight years holding onto a dumbbell.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Rep. Anthony Weiner, Richard Clarke, Rajiv Chandrasekaran, Paul Rieckhoff and Kathy Griffin.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
New Rule: Float Like Obama, Sting Like Ali
New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. And no, I'm not being gratuitously crude when I say that. I refer to the case of Van Jones, and I'm sure you know who Van Jones is. At least I hope you do, because I haven't a clue, or at least I didn't until this week, when I found out he was the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems like a smart thing to do in a recession, but Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.
Now, I know that right now, I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech -- when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.
What got Van Jones fired was they caught him on tape saying that Republicans are assholes. And they call it "news." And Obama didn't say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped "end of life counseling" from health care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant "death panels" on her Facebook page.
Crazy evil morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.
Same thing with the speech to children this week. If you missed it, the president attempted to merely tell school children to work hard and wash their hands, and Cracker Nation reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in homeroom. Of course, the White House immediately capitulated. "No students will be forced to view the speech," a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Isn't that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they'd say, "He's giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you spineless jackasses don't show it to every damn kid in you school we're cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow."
The Democrats just never learn: Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pussies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.
I love Obama's civility in the face of such contumely, his desire to work with his enemies, it's positively Christ-like. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But we don't need that guy now. We need an asshole.
Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
And speaking of that 70% -- let's call them the sentient majority -- when are we going to actually show up in all this? Tomorrow Glenn Beck's army of zombie retirees are marching on Washington in protest of, well, everything. It's the Million Moron March, although they won't get a million of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington state -- but they will make news. Because people who take to the streets always do. They're at the town hall screaming at the congressman, we're on the couch screaming at the TV. Especially in this age of electronics and Snuggies, it's a statement to just leave the house. But leave the house we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.
Now, I know that right now, I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech -- when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.
What got Van Jones fired was they caught him on tape saying that Republicans are assholes. And they call it "news." And Obama didn't say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped "end of life counseling" from health care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant "death panels" on her Facebook page.
Crazy evil morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.
Same thing with the speech to children this week. If you missed it, the president attempted to merely tell school children to work hard and wash their hands, and Cracker Nation reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in homeroom. Of course, the White House immediately capitulated. "No students will be forced to view the speech," a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Isn't that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they'd say, "He's giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you spineless jackasses don't show it to every damn kid in you school we're cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow."
The Democrats just never learn: Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pussies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.
I love Obama's civility in the face of such contumely, his desire to work with his enemies, it's positively Christ-like. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But we don't need that guy now. We need an asshole.
Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.
And speaking of that 70% -- let's call them the sentient majority -- when are we going to actually show up in all this? Tomorrow Glenn Beck's army of zombie retirees are marching on Washington in protest of, well, everything. It's the Million Moron March, although they won't get a million of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington state -- but they will make news. Because people who take to the streets always do. They're at the town hall screaming at the congressman, we're on the couch screaming at the TV. Especially in this age of electronics and Snuggies, it's a statement to just leave the house. But leave the house we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - AUGUST 21 2009
Friday, August 21st, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 21st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Apparently they’re going to have a “run-off” election. In Afghanistan, that’s when the Taliban shows up and everyone runs off.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It’s not easy holding an election in a country where 70 percent of the population is functionally illiterate. But hey, if we can do it in this country every four years…
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Apparently it’s no longer enough to be screaming as they’ve been doing at the town hall meetings, they’re now, have you seen this, bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Stupid is a pre-existing condition.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
What advice would you give to kids today who want to break into Atheism?
- Bill Maher to Sam Harris, author of “The End of Faith”
You get the government you deserve.
- Jay Leno
You know who the best journalists are? The ones who used to do it.
- Chuck Todd
By the time I get there, it’ll be worthless. It’s in 4th place.
- Jay Leno about NBC
You prevent future torture by prosecuting past acts of torture.
- Jeremy Scahill
You’re constantly letting these officials off the hook on the fact that Obama’s continuing some of the worst of Bush’s policies when it comes to foreign affairs.
- Jeremy Scahill referring to the media
New Rule: Either bury Michael Jackson’s body, or send it out on that concert tour. Earlier this week, Joe Jackson said Michael would be buried at the end of the month, and now that’s been postponed. I don’t know what’s creepier, the fact that he’s going to spend eternity as a Zombie or that he saw it coming.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. You’re lucky it doesn’t have gravy on it. Besides, if it weren’t for the coke, a dollar wouldn’t have any value at all.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: When you make the runners pee in a cup to check for drugs, you must also check to see if they’re peeing standing up. A South African runner has been ordered to undergo a test to determine if she’s really a woman. Which is fine, but if we’re really interested in testing which track star is what gender shouldn’t we start with Bruce Jenner?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should look into Lasik surgery. You know, there’s the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it’s a great nation—especially if you like fried foods—but it also has its faults. And then there’s the modern-day Republican view: that America is infallible and pure in every way, and the Founders made a mistake when they wrote the phrase “In order to form a more perfect union.” Hello, it’s already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Jay Leno, Rep. Jan Schakowsky, Chuck Todd, Sam Harris, and Jeremy Scahill.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 21st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Apparently they’re going to have a “run-off” election. In Afghanistan, that’s when the Taliban shows up and everyone runs off.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It’s not easy holding an election in a country where 70 percent of the population is functionally illiterate. But hey, if we can do it in this country every four years…
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Apparently it’s no longer enough to be screaming as they’ve been doing at the town hall meetings, they’re now, have you seen this, bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Stupid is a pre-existing condition.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
What advice would you give to kids today who want to break into Atheism?
- Bill Maher to Sam Harris, author of “The End of Faith”
You get the government you deserve.
- Jay Leno
You know who the best journalists are? The ones who used to do it.
- Chuck Todd
By the time I get there, it’ll be worthless. It’s in 4th place.
- Jay Leno about NBC
You prevent future torture by prosecuting past acts of torture.
- Jeremy Scahill
You’re constantly letting these officials off the hook on the fact that Obama’s continuing some of the worst of Bush’s policies when it comes to foreign affairs.
- Jeremy Scahill referring to the media
New Rule: Either bury Michael Jackson’s body, or send it out on that concert tour. Earlier this week, Joe Jackson said Michael would be buried at the end of the month, and now that’s been postponed. I don’t know what’s creepier, the fact that he’s going to spend eternity as a Zombie or that he saw it coming.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. You’re lucky it doesn’t have gravy on it. Besides, if it weren’t for the coke, a dollar wouldn’t have any value at all.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: When you make the runners pee in a cup to check for drugs, you must also check to see if they’re peeing standing up. A South African runner has been ordered to undergo a test to determine if she’s really a woman. Which is fine, but if we’re really interested in testing which track star is what gender shouldn’t we start with Bruce Jenner?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should look into Lasik surgery. You know, there’s the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it’s a great nation—especially if you like fried foods—but it also has its faults. And then there’s the modern-day Republican view: that America is infallible and pure in every way, and the Founders made a mistake when they wrote the phrase “In order to form a more perfect union.” Hello, it’s already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Jay Leno, Rep. Jan Schakowsky, Chuck Todd, Sam Harris, and Jeremy Scahill.
Friday, August 21, 2009
New Rule: No Shame in Being the Sorry Party
New Rule: If Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin all think America has never done anything wrong, we must be doing something wrong. Look at them: an empty suit, an empty heart and an empty head. It looks like the news team on Good Morning Hell. And what they've been competing about lately is who would not apologize the most. America is infallible, and apologies are horrible things that must never, ever be given. Except by me when I make a joke about the Pope. "We're perfect -- deal with it," is their new handshake. But I say, what's wrong with America occasionally saying, "I'm sorry"? Because these are the three sorriest white people I've ever seen.
If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should really look into Lasik surgery. There's the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it's a great nation -- especially if you like fried foods -- but it also has its faults. And then there's the Republican view: that it's perfect and pure in every way and it's always right all the time, just like Leviticus and Ronald Reagan.
If the founders were alive today, Republicans would be giving them shit because the Declaration of Independence says, "In order to form a more perfect union? Hello, it's already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"
One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that Obama is always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush. Who was one of America's biggest mistakes.
In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "
But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism." Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.
In her farewell speech -- if only -- Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?
When did intractability become a virtue? Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. You can find it at Borders, in the "Suck-Up" section. It's such a perfect title, combining paranoia with arrogance: "No one has yet asked me to apologize but, if someone ever does, fuck them."
Conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal pussies do, when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When in fact it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize. Apologies are actually a sign of strength. That's why six-year-olds hate them.
In Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.
Apologies can do great things, and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex.
If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should really look into Lasik surgery. There's the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it's a great nation -- especially if you like fried foods -- but it also has its faults. And then there's the Republican view: that it's perfect and pure in every way and it's always right all the time, just like Leviticus and Ronald Reagan.
If the founders were alive today, Republicans would be giving them shit because the Declaration of Independence says, "In order to form a more perfect union? Hello, it's already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"
One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that Obama is always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush. Who was one of America's biggest mistakes.
In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "
But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism." Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.
In her farewell speech -- if only -- Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?
When did intractability become a virtue? Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. You can find it at Borders, in the "Suck-Up" section. It's such a perfect title, combining paranoia with arrogance: "No one has yet asked me to apologize but, if someone ever does, fuck them."
Conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal pussies do, when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When in fact it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize. Apologies are actually a sign of strength. That's why six-year-olds hate them.
In Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.
Apologies can do great things, and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - AUGUST 14 2009
Friday, August 14th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 14th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Even after Obama took time out to painstakingly explain that there were no death panels, Sarah Palin fired back with a resounding ‘nut uh.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It does seem to me a tad ironic that she’s [Sarah Palin] so against killing old people considering she’s the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
One way to tell your party is a bunch of pussies is when you are bullied by a chick on Facebook.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
We ought to change our motto from E Pluribus Unum to I Am Sam.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the intelligence of the American people
Michael Vick is back in the NFL. He said today he never killed any dogs. He was merely counseling them on end of life issues.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
You have to be either brave or stupid.
- Brad Pitt on why guests appear on “Real Time with Bill Maher”
Don’t you think that having the experience the Clintons went through and understanding that this was going to be controversial, they should have initiated an information campaign upfront so they could have pre-empted many of these arguments, these stories and these falsehoods?
- Anthony Zinni on Obama’s ill-prepared roll out of the new Health Care Bill
Nobody was calling the UK and Canada, who both have free health care or public health care; we weren’t calling them socialists when we were asking them to come help fight a war in Iraq and Afghanistan for freedom and democracy.
- Ashton Kutcher
We have reached a point where the Republican Party is down to such a core that the special interest groups aren’t actually that interested in the Republican Party anymore.
- Ross Douthat
Declaring war on terrorism would have been like Woodrow Wilson declaring war on U-boat attacks. It is a tactic and is ridiculous and so we were chasing the symptom of a greater problem.
- Anthony Zinni
New Rule: Stop acting shocked that a guy who made his living selling chemicals died of a drug overdose. He sold a white powder that solves all your problems really, really fast. The only difference between cocaine and Oxyclean is cocaine worked.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If you’re stuck on a plane that’s not moving for more than five hours, you get to punch a baby.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were General Anthony Zinni, Ashton Kutcher, Ross Douthat, Dana Gould and Brad Pitt.
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, August 14th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Even after Obama took time out to painstakingly explain that there were no death panels, Sarah Palin fired back with a resounding ‘nut uh.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
It does seem to me a tad ironic that she’s [Sarah Palin] so against killing old people considering she’s the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
One way to tell your party is a bunch of pussies is when you are bullied by a chick on Facebook.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
We ought to change our motto from E Pluribus Unum to I Am Sam.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the intelligence of the American people
Michael Vick is back in the NFL. He said today he never killed any dogs. He was merely counseling them on end of life issues.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Democrats and Sarah Palin
You have to be either brave or stupid.
- Brad Pitt on why guests appear on “Real Time with Bill Maher”
Don’t you think that having the experience the Clintons went through and understanding that this was going to be controversial, they should have initiated an information campaign upfront so they could have pre-empted many of these arguments, these stories and these falsehoods?
- Anthony Zinni on Obama’s ill-prepared roll out of the new Health Care Bill
Nobody was calling the UK and Canada, who both have free health care or public health care; we weren’t calling them socialists when we were asking them to come help fight a war in Iraq and Afghanistan for freedom and democracy.
- Ashton Kutcher
We have reached a point where the Republican Party is down to such a core that the special interest groups aren’t actually that interested in the Republican Party anymore.
- Ross Douthat
Declaring war on terrorism would have been like Woodrow Wilson declaring war on U-boat attacks. It is a tactic and is ridiculous and so we were chasing the symptom of a greater problem.
- Anthony Zinni
New Rule: Stop acting shocked that a guy who made his living selling chemicals died of a drug overdose. He sold a white powder that solves all your problems really, really fast. The only difference between cocaine and Oxyclean is cocaine worked.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If you’re stuck on a plane that’s not moving for more than five hours, you get to punch a baby.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were General Anthony Zinni, Ashton Kutcher, Ross Douthat, Dana Gould and Brad Pitt.
Friday, August 14, 2009
New Rule: A-hole in One Shouldn't Be Obama's Game
New Rule: President Obama must give up that awful habit that sets such a bad example for young people. I'm talking, of course ... about golf.
Golf, if you're not familiar, is a pastime where you basically walk outdoors with a bag, muttering and cursing. It's like being homeless in loud pants. Anyway, Time magazine is reporting that since he became president, Barack Obama has taken up golf with a passion, playing almost every weekend for the past few months -- and I feel betrayed. He campaigned as a basketball player. It said to us, "I'm urban and athletic and hip and a team player." Golf says, "I like Lipitor and white collar crime." And it's not just golf -- he's been purposefully eating a lot of hamburgers in public lately, to prove he loves meat. And he said that, unlike before he became president, he prays all the time now and that his Faith and Neighbor Initiatives Director sends him scripture on his Blackberry to start every day. Jesus, is there something about that house that turns people into assholes?
I kid the Commander in Chief, he's very far from an asshole, he's a cool dude, and I want to keep him that way! I don't want a regular guy running the country. We tried that for eight years and New Orleans still smells like mildew. Obama was different. He wasn't Joe Six-Pack. He had a six-pack. And when he gave a speech it didn't make English teachers cry. He wasn't some regular schmuck who spent five hours a weekend on the golf course. Why? Because he actually likes his family!
But Democrats have this bad habit of letting the Republicans scare them into acting more "regular guy" than they really are, and then they look inauthentic. Like Hillary drinking shooters. Like Dukakis in the tank. So I'm putting you on notice, Barack Obama: you're from Chicago, the day I see you in a duck blind, I'm taking my hope elsewhere.
So that's why I'm so worried when I see my president playing golf, because golf is a slippery slope. First comes the golf attire, then the golf stories and pretty soon you're telling black jokes. What's worse is that you know Obama doesn't really wanna be golfing, he's just doing it because he thinks it will relax the white people. "How could I be a socialist, I'm putting!" Well, I've got news for you, Mr. President, the people who think you want to kill their Great Aunt Millie aren't going to be swayed by a photo-op on the golf course. They see those photos, they're not thinking you're just like Tiger Woods, they're thinking, "Here comes the Angel of Death, and he's got a nine iron."
There is also a more serious side to this, because golf, hamburgers, and religion are all things that are incredibly bad for the environment. According to the U.N., in 15 years almost two billion people will be living in conditions of absolute water scarcity. And yet, a golf course in Palm Springs consumes as much water per day as an American family uses in four years. Golf courses in America consume over 114 million gallons of water a year on grass that doesn't even get you high. Golf courses also need large quantities of fertilizers and pesticides whose run-off pollutes the ground water for miles around.
This isn't just a third world problem -- there's a water shortage right now in the western United States. If I surpass my monthly water allotment here in Los Angeles, I'll get fined by the city. If I do it twice, they'll send 40,000 prisoners to live in my backyard.
But when it comes to bad for the environment, nothing -- literally -- compares with eating meat. The business of raising animals for food causes about 40 percent more global warming than all cars, trucks, and planes combined. If you care about the planet, it's actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.
There was a news story last week about the U.S. military warning America that the ripple effects from global warming inspired disasters could kill millions of people, but none of them can moonwalk, so nobody gave a shit. But if this "planet" problem is so dire the military is saying they're going to have to start dealing with it, maybe the president should set a better example about how we just can't live exactly as we always have and survive. I'm certainly not suggesting that we "take away" your golf or your hamburgers, but when it comes to being a role model on the environment, this president is out to lunch. With Joe Biden, eating greaseburgers.
Which is a shame, because he and his wife have demonstrated enormous power to lead by example. What they do, Americans want to do, because they're stars, and we're star-fuckers! And, like I said last week, we're not very bright, so we need direction -- if Obama grabbed Biden for lunch next week and ordered a veggie burger -- yes, Sean Hannity will call him a mincing fairy, like he did when Obama used mustard instead of ketchup -- like I ever knew one was more manly than the other. Stop caring what Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin will say about you. Be who you really are - a basketball playing, Jay-Z listening, city-dwelling hipster. The only sand trap I want to see you get out of is Afghanistan. And next time you have to get two guys over for a beer, smoke a little weed.
Guests on this week's program include Brad Pitt, Dana Gould, Ashton Kutcher, General Anthony Zinni and Ross Douthat.
Golf, if you're not familiar, is a pastime where you basically walk outdoors with a bag, muttering and cursing. It's like being homeless in loud pants. Anyway, Time magazine is reporting that since he became president, Barack Obama has taken up golf with a passion, playing almost every weekend for the past few months -- and I feel betrayed. He campaigned as a basketball player. It said to us, "I'm urban and athletic and hip and a team player." Golf says, "I like Lipitor and white collar crime." And it's not just golf -- he's been purposefully eating a lot of hamburgers in public lately, to prove he loves meat. And he said that, unlike before he became president, he prays all the time now and that his Faith and Neighbor Initiatives Director sends him scripture on his Blackberry to start every day. Jesus, is there something about that house that turns people into assholes?
I kid the Commander in Chief, he's very far from an asshole, he's a cool dude, and I want to keep him that way! I don't want a regular guy running the country. We tried that for eight years and New Orleans still smells like mildew. Obama was different. He wasn't Joe Six-Pack. He had a six-pack. And when he gave a speech it didn't make English teachers cry. He wasn't some regular schmuck who spent five hours a weekend on the golf course. Why? Because he actually likes his family!
But Democrats have this bad habit of letting the Republicans scare them into acting more "regular guy" than they really are, and then they look inauthentic. Like Hillary drinking shooters. Like Dukakis in the tank. So I'm putting you on notice, Barack Obama: you're from Chicago, the day I see you in a duck blind, I'm taking my hope elsewhere.
So that's why I'm so worried when I see my president playing golf, because golf is a slippery slope. First comes the golf attire, then the golf stories and pretty soon you're telling black jokes. What's worse is that you know Obama doesn't really wanna be golfing, he's just doing it because he thinks it will relax the white people. "How could I be a socialist, I'm putting!" Well, I've got news for you, Mr. President, the people who think you want to kill their Great Aunt Millie aren't going to be swayed by a photo-op on the golf course. They see those photos, they're not thinking you're just like Tiger Woods, they're thinking, "Here comes the Angel of Death, and he's got a nine iron."
There is also a more serious side to this, because golf, hamburgers, and religion are all things that are incredibly bad for the environment. According to the U.N., in 15 years almost two billion people will be living in conditions of absolute water scarcity. And yet, a golf course in Palm Springs consumes as much water per day as an American family uses in four years. Golf courses in America consume over 114 million gallons of water a year on grass that doesn't even get you high. Golf courses also need large quantities of fertilizers and pesticides whose run-off pollutes the ground water for miles around.
This isn't just a third world problem -- there's a water shortage right now in the western United States. If I surpass my monthly water allotment here in Los Angeles, I'll get fined by the city. If I do it twice, they'll send 40,000 prisoners to live in my backyard.
But when it comes to bad for the environment, nothing -- literally -- compares with eating meat. The business of raising animals for food causes about 40 percent more global warming than all cars, trucks, and planes combined. If you care about the planet, it's actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.
There was a news story last week about the U.S. military warning America that the ripple effects from global warming inspired disasters could kill millions of people, but none of them can moonwalk, so nobody gave a shit. But if this "planet" problem is so dire the military is saying they're going to have to start dealing with it, maybe the president should set a better example about how we just can't live exactly as we always have and survive. I'm certainly not suggesting that we "take away" your golf or your hamburgers, but when it comes to being a role model on the environment, this president is out to lunch. With Joe Biden, eating greaseburgers.
Which is a shame, because he and his wife have demonstrated enormous power to lead by example. What they do, Americans want to do, because they're stars, and we're star-fuckers! And, like I said last week, we're not very bright, so we need direction -- if Obama grabbed Biden for lunch next week and ordered a veggie burger -- yes, Sean Hannity will call him a mincing fairy, like he did when Obama used mustard instead of ketchup -- like I ever knew one was more manly than the other. Stop caring what Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin will say about you. Be who you really are - a basketball playing, Jay-Z listening, city-dwelling hipster. The only sand trap I want to see you get out of is Afghanistan. And next time you have to get two guys over for a beer, smoke a little weed.
Guests on this week's program include Brad Pitt, Dana Gould, Ashton Kutcher, General Anthony Zinni and Ross Douthat.
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