QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” - JUNE 11, 2010

Friday, June 11, 2010



QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER”



Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, June 11th, 2010. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.



There is good news! BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue



Helen Thomas … They got her on tape saying the Jews should get out of Palestine. Yeah, not good, she had to quit. On the bright side, Hezbollah Magazine put her on the cover of their “Women We Love” issue.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



This week we had primaries and they say this is “The Year of the Woman.” The women dominated. As opposed to the last election cycle, which was “The Year of the Closeted Gay Republican.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



She [ex-eBay CEO Meg Whitman] said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue



My title came from my marriage to my husband, who by the way is a direct descendent of the Prophet Mohammed, and he has both a temporal but also a spiritual role in the eyes of many, not only in Jordan, but in the Muslim world as well, as a direct descendent of the Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him. But for me, from the time I married, to this day, to my dying day, I will simply be a public servant.

- Jordan’s Queen Noor



Republicans are filibustering everything. That’s why. It doesn’t magically take 60 votes to do something. Every time they do that, it is a filibuster. And it’s being used more frequently than it’s ever been used in American history before. And Republicans should answer for that because it’s a really stupid way to run the country.

- Rachel Maddow



It seems like we have to tax something, why not rich dead people? Of all the things you could tax; they don’t have any need for the money, on account of that whole being dead thing.

- Bill Maher



Meg Whitman, the former head of, CEO of, eBay and Carly Fiorina, the former head of Hewlett Packard, both said it; they’d like to run the state like a business. Could we please retire this canard? Why should we run the state, first of all, it’s a different skill-set, but a business is there to serve and protect profits. A politician getting elected should be there to serve and protect people.

- Bill Maher



New Rule: Restaurants that serve the greasiest foods have to stop using the ultra thin napkins that only work if you take 1000 of them. These aren’t even napkins. They’re coffee filters. They absorb so little oil I’m surprised BP hasn’t tried them in the Gulf.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Someone has to explain to me the difference between eating the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap—which is basically a handful of burger chunks, lettuce, and sauce all glopped together on a tortilla—and eating out of the garbage.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



New Rule: Katy Perry and Lady Gaga must admit that what they’re really fighting about is who gets to be Cher.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment



This week's guests were Rachel Maddow, Jon Meacham, Bill Frist, Oliver Stone and Her Majesty, Queen Noor of Jordan.



“Real Time with Bill Maher” will return from its summer hiatus on September 17th.

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - JULY 31 2009

Friday, July 31st, 2009

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, July 31st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I know why you’re happy: racism is over and we did it with a beer
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There was one little awkward moment. When he arrived at the White House,he got out of the car,and he threw Obama his keys.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Sergeant Crowley

You can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in on a new gas-guzzling clunker.
-Bill Maher in his opening monologue about “cash for clunkers”

I think its great that we have a President who we can see having a beer cause he isn’t a dry drunk.
-Bill Maher


My great fear is that Congress is gonna get power over the Fed. That’s the nightmare scenario. We have those crazy people on the hill starting to control American policy. Then I really will go back to Britain.
-Harvard Professor Niall Ferguson who is British

He is Michael Jordan playing on a bad team. There’s nobody to pass the ball to.
-Bill Maher about President Obama and Congress

I think we should airlift all the women out of Afghanistan for 40 years so that the Taliban can’t reproduce and then bring them back and start from scratch.
-Joe Queenan

It’s funny for me to be asked to speak on behalf of women.
-Rachel Maddow

FROM THE NEW RULES SEGMENT

New Rule: From now on, to save valuable airtime, news outlets must only report when a ballplayer is discovered to be not on steroids.

-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment


New Rule: Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. For the past couple of weeks we’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”—the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really born in Hawaii and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, Miss California Carrie Prejean. And there’s nothing you can do to convince these people—you could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate, with the placenta, and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background and they still wouldn’t believe it.

-Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment


This week's guests were Rachel Maddow, Niall Ferguson, Joe Queenan, Michael Ware and Jeff Sharlet.