Friday, May 15th, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 15th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, "We didn't torture," then it became, "OK, we tortured, but it worked," now it's "Nancy Pelosi said we could."
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Newt Gingrich yesterday was all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a frivolous politician. Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Sarah Palin said the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks against Miss California is despicable. And then she said, “I feel like you are my own daughter.”
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
New Rule: Stop having the same discussion every year about whether the comedian at the Correspondents' Dinner went "too far." This week, conservatives were outraged that the president laughed - out loud - at a black, lesbian woman. You think you're pissed now? Wait'll he appoints her to the Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9% of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining .1%? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Just because something isn't endangered anymore doesn't mean we have to go back to killing it. There are still only 6000 gray wolves. They're not a threat unless Pakistan sells them nukes. You want to hunt a species that's breeding out of control? How about that "Jon & Kate Plus 8."
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Richard Brookhiser, Amy Holmes, Dan Savage, David Simon and Elizabeth Warren.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Americans, please wash hands before criticizing Obama
Friday, May 8th 2009
New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.
It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?
You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President.
So please, Mr. President, tell us to turn the lights off when we leave the room. Tell us not to buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring Dings and Cheese Nips, and think twice before dating a stranger we meet on craigslist. For God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Not just to save the newspaper industry - though Lord knows I'd miss my Daily Jumble - but because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a President who knows nothing.
There's a name for people who do the right thing for their country, even if it involves sacrifice. And no, it's not "socialists." It's "patriots." We all know the modern definition of a patriot: It's the person who pays the least taxes and listens to the most A.M. radio. But that wasn't what it always meant.
Patriots want their fellow citizens to be able to go to the hospital. They want to make sure no one sells them bread made out of Chinese skulls. They want a country where the deer and the antelope can still play - and not just so Sarah Palin can shoot them from a helicopter. Patriots want to burn less coal and buy less oil. Jimmy Carter put solar panels on the White House roof and Ronald Reagan had them removed. You've heard of "opposite marriage"? This is "opposite patriotism."
Rush Limbaugh celebrated this Earth Day by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees.
During the campaign, Obama suggested that one simple thing Americans could do to help with fuel-efficiency was check their car's tire pressure. And Republicans freaked, because to them, every suggestion for the common good is a direct attack on their personal liberty, and it's unpatriotic to interfere with anyone's God-given right to be big, dumb and selfish.
When the President suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, you're a rugged individualist. But you're not - you're just a schmuck.
Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have predictably and reliably told us that government is always the problem, never you my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious little snowflake. A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.
-Bill Maher
New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. Last week, when America was faced with the pan-global swine flu omega death plague, the President went on TV and told people to wash their hands, and experts tell us this made a big difference, which augurs well for next month's "National Wipe Your Butt Day." Next week, in a fireside chat, he'll tell us not to put a fork in the toaster.
It's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a live press conference to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. If that's not the "Forrest Gump-ification" of America, I don't know what is. Feeling wet, America? Why not try new, "Coming in from the Rain"?
You may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama - you know, the "Audacity of Soap" - was the first specific thing a President has asked the American people to actually do in decades. Unless you count "go shopping." Hopefully it will open the door to other, slightly weightier suggestions from the President.
So please, Mr. President, tell us to turn the lights off when we leave the room. Tell us not to buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring Dings and Cheese Nips, and think twice before dating a stranger we meet on craigslist. For God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Not just to save the newspaper industry - though Lord knows I'd miss my Daily Jumble - but because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a President who knows nothing.
There's a name for people who do the right thing for their country, even if it involves sacrifice. And no, it's not "socialists." It's "patriots." We all know the modern definition of a patriot: It's the person who pays the least taxes and listens to the most A.M. radio. But that wasn't what it always meant.
Patriots want their fellow citizens to be able to go to the hospital. They want to make sure no one sells them bread made out of Chinese skulls. They want a country where the deer and the antelope can still play - and not just so Sarah Palin can shoot them from a helicopter. Patriots want to burn less coal and buy less oil. Jimmy Carter put solar panels on the White House roof and Ronald Reagan had them removed. You've heard of "opposite marriage"? This is "opposite patriotism."
Rush Limbaugh celebrated this Earth Day by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees.
During the campaign, Obama suggested that one simple thing Americans could do to help with fuel-efficiency was check their car's tire pressure. And Republicans freaked, because to them, every suggestion for the common good is a direct attack on their personal liberty, and it's unpatriotic to interfere with anyone's God-given right to be big, dumb and selfish.
When the President suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, you're a rugged individualist. But you're not - you're just a schmuck.
Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have predictably and reliably told us that government is always the problem, never you my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious little snowflake. A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.
-Bill Maher
Saturday, May 2, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" - MAY 1 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 1st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy tonight. Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at The Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Supreme Court appointment
New Rule: The Obama administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee there's a couch.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2000-year old Jew. Where else would he live? But would it kill you to show him with a little tan? Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Barney Frank, Fareed Zakaria, Richard Engel and Dr. David Kessler.
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 1st, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
I know why you’re happy tonight. Finally, some good economic news. They’re hiring at The Supreme Court.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable. And they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding the Supreme Court appointment
New Rule: The Obama administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee there's a couch.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2000-year old Jew. Where else would he live? But would it kill you to show him with a little tan? Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Congressman Barney Frank, Fareed Zakaria, Richard Engel and Dr. David Kessler.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The GOP: divorced from reality
The Republican base is behaving like a guy who just got dumped by his wife.
If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.
It's been a week now, and I still don't know what those "tea bag" protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who's going to win "American Idol." But it wasn't tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that's when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.
The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because ... well, nobody knows. They're mad as hell, and they're not going to take it anymore. Even though they're not quite sure what "it" is. But they know they're fed up with "it," and that "it" has got to stop.
Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.
And here's the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.
Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?
It's sad what's happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they're the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.
The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, "Bill, that's just the fringe of the Republican Party." No, it's not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that ... Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I'm not sure exactly what Perry's independent nation would look like, but I'm pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.
I know. It's not about what Obama's done. It's what he's planning. But you can't be sick and tired of something someone might do.
Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build "reeducation" camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn't made any moves toward taking anyone's guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.
Look, I get it, "real America." After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You've come home to find your things out on the front lawn -- or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You're not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a whore and key its car.
That's what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him -- obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.
But it's been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She's found somebody new. And it's a black guy.
The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You'll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.
And if today's conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they're better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you're with them or you're embarrassed by them.
The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don't need to. They already beat you in public.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER"
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 13th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Bernie Madoff, the most reviled person in America, except for perhaps that E*Trade talking baby, went to prison. They did the cavity search. They found 63 billion dollars.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
He lost 63 billion dollars of people’s money, never invested a dime in anything. He put all of it in one Chase Manhattan Bank account. You know what I don’t understand, how come the FBI didn't notice this but somehow they found Eliot Spitzer's hooker money.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Bernie Madoff
Michael Steele, the head of the Republican Party, is in very hot water this week once again for suggesting that actually it is the woman’s choice if she’s pregnant, what to do, and also suggesting that homosexuality is something you’re born with. Rush Limbaugh attacked him for being dangerously sane.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Bristol says she wants her baby raised free of ignorance and backwoods superstition. But you can't stop mom from visiting.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
For the sake of our children, this overly powerful and selfish union must be busted.
- Bill Maher, regarding the Teacher’s Union
New Rule: To save taxpayer money, someone must fire those courtroom sketch artists and just take a damn picture. It's 2009. Everything in our pocket has a camera on it now - including the lint. And if you really want to draw the people who laid America low, bring your sketch-pad to Wall Street.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Garbage trucks get to back up without beeping. I'm trying to sleep and you're a giant, churning, groaning behemoth, and when you go backwards, it's at one mile an hour while making the sound of Fran Drescher with her hand caught in a blender. If there's anyone out there who can manage to get run over under those conditions, well, you won't just be letting me sleep, you'll be improving the species.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If President Obama really wants to be transparent and level with the American people, he must replace Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner with an actual deer caught in the headlights. Geithner could learn a thing or two about economic stimulus from the deer. For example, if you want to make a couple of bucks you need a little doe up front.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Andrew Breitbart, Michael Eric Dyson, Sarah Silverman and Steven Pearlstein.
Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 13th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.
Bernie Madoff, the most reviled person in America, except for perhaps that E*Trade talking baby, went to prison. They did the cavity search. They found 63 billion dollars.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
He lost 63 billion dollars of people’s money, never invested a dime in anything. He put all of it in one Chase Manhattan Bank account. You know what I don’t understand, how come the FBI didn't notice this but somehow they found Eliot Spitzer's hooker money.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue, regarding Bernie Madoff
Michael Steele, the head of the Republican Party, is in very hot water this week once again for suggesting that actually it is the woman’s choice if she’s pregnant, what to do, and also suggesting that homosexuality is something you’re born with. Rush Limbaugh attacked him for being dangerously sane.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
Bristol says she wants her baby raised free of ignorance and backwoods superstition. But you can't stop mom from visiting.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue
For the sake of our children, this overly powerful and selfish union must be busted.
- Bill Maher, regarding the Teacher’s Union
New Rule: To save taxpayer money, someone must fire those courtroom sketch artists and just take a damn picture. It's 2009. Everything in our pocket has a camera on it now - including the lint. And if you really want to draw the people who laid America low, bring your sketch-pad to Wall Street.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: Garbage trucks get to back up without beeping. I'm trying to sleep and you're a giant, churning, groaning behemoth, and when you go backwards, it's at one mile an hour while making the sound of Fran Drescher with her hand caught in a blender. If there's anyone out there who can manage to get run over under those conditions, well, you won't just be letting me sleep, you'll be improving the species.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
New Rule: If President Obama really wants to be transparent and level with the American people, he must replace Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner with an actual deer caught in the headlights. Geithner could learn a thing or two about economic stimulus from the deer. For example, if you want to make a couple of bucks you need a little doe up front.
- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment
This week's guests were Andrew Breitbart, Michael Eric Dyson, Sarah Silverman and Steven Pearlstein.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Country First
Whenever we do an editorial chastising America for not living up to its potential, there are complaints. Complaints that I blame America first. Which is silly - I'm not "blaming" America in any particular order. I'm simply of the belief that nothing gets better until you see the problem for what it really is. Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First. For those who disapproved of Friday's editorial about Europe and America, here are two others of similar ilk to choke on :)
Friday, October 10, 2008
Religulous
Hey all, if you haven't seen "Religulous" yet, would you do me a favor and go this weekend? I swear not for me, I am honestly not interested in ever making a movie again - I'm like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this shit." But this one I would like to do well so America gets it that there's a lot of people who at least would like this to be a subject we can talk about and debate. And, its a hoot! I've gotten so many e mails and texts from people who say "I just saw your movie, and at the end everyone applauded. " Something must be going on here, how many times do you see that in movies these days?
Thank you!
Thank you!
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