QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 16, 2012

Friday, March 16, 2012

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 16, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Mitt is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Rick Santorum’s statement that Rick’s son could out debate him.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls, green.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There were 70 billion dollars in the budget for food stamps last year. There’s 700 billion dollars for defense contractors and the military…there is no difference between welfare queens and Wall Street and the defense contractors if we are going to talk about the entitlement culture in America.
- Alexandra Pelosi

This is what happens with the death of journalism; the world post journalism is just bloggers sitting home in their underwear.
- Alexandra Pelosi on the constant backlash from media on all sides regarding every issue

The tragedy in this situation is that we have been having this conversation since before I was born…and no president in American history has seized the opportunity to lead us to a more efficient structure. Period.
- Dylan Ratigan on the gas prices and reliance on foreign oil

The proportionality of what has happened to America because of unemployment and housing makes everything else look like a flea on a dog’s ass.
- Dylan Ratigan

The Lorax, if you don’t know what it is, it’s a mythical creature who is for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses.
- Bill Maher

I would much rather we rebuild Philadelphia as opposed to Kabul.
- Mick Cornett on getting out of the Middle East

It sounded like a disillusioned lover.
- Amy Holmes on Greg Smith’s editorial in the New York Times about Goldman Sachs

New Rule: If Irish-Americans can manage to celebrate their heritage in just one day, then Southerners should be able to also. That's right, instead of spending the whole year flying your Confederate flags and saying, "The South will rise again," you get just one day. We'll call it St. Cracker's Day.
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: If an actor gets so much plastic surgery that they're not quite the same person, they have to change their name so it's not quite the same name. Example: "Did you see Lindsay Lowland on SNL? "No, I was watching an Arthur Schwarzenegger movie." "Which one was that?" "You know, that one with Dickie Rourke and Sylvester Stallion."
- Bill Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

This week's guests were Alexandra Pelosi, Mick Cornett, Amy Holmes, Dylan Ratigan and Ed Helms.