QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER" Mar. 23, 2012

Friday, March 23, 2012

QUOTES FROM “REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, March 23, 2012. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Newt Gingrich today said he’s jealous because the only tool he ever gets compared to is a dildo.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue about Mitt Romney being compared to an Etch-A-Sketch

By the end of the year, if you want an abortion, first you must defeat the World Wrestling star, The Undertaker.
- Bill Maher on the proposed abortion laws

By this logic, if anybody ever shoots Geraldo, it’ll be because his mustache makes him look like The Bandito.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue regarding Geraldo’s controversial excuse about Trayvon Martin wearing a hoodie

This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

But he doesn’t like black people…what’s in his voice is the word ‘coon,’ we heard that on the tape and then he shot a black kid. So maybe, I’m a leaping to conclusions but what I’m getting is this guy is a racist asshole.
- Bill Maher referring to George Zimmerman

It is the rape defense that she wore something too revealing and was looking for it. There are no ‘come shoot me clothes.’
- Charles M. Blow on Geraldo’s ‘hoodie’ defense

He insists that he did not do this out of homophobia. Some court decided what was in his mind, for him and he risked a lot to insist that he wasn’t a bigot.
- Andrew Sullivan on the Dharun Ravi defense

I think that Republicans have now gone through their five stages of grief…denial – Herman Cain, Bargaining – Rick Perry, Anger – Newt Gingrich, Depression – Rick Santorum and finally acceptance – Mitt Romney…Finally, a robot designed neither to love or be loved.
- Bill Maher

New Rule: You can't wear a blue polo shirt and khakis to Wal-Mart and then get all pissy with me when I mistake you for an employee. And that goes double for the guy in the meat department, wearing the bloody smock. So I thought you worked here - is that really so much more degrading than you just shopping here?
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Stop opening banks. Every time a useful business like a video store, a dry cleaner, or a marijuana dispensary closes, it becomes a bank. They're multiplying faster than Palins. But why? We have the Internet, we have ATMSÉ how many little old ladies with rolls of quarters are there? I've been inside a bank once in ten years, and that was only because I needed a giant cardboard check.
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.
- Maher in his ‘New Rules’ segment

This week's guests were Charles M. Blow, Glenn Greenwald, Wendy Schiller, Andrew Sullivan and Fred Armisen.